Being an attractive, strong and confident power-female is a problem?

[SpunThings]

...being polite and respectful is the norm for me, most Canadians, so I apologize to anyone I may or may not have offended. Doing so out of sheer cultural identity, of course.

Not a big shocker here: men helpful, women not so much. Story of my life. I suppose I should be grateful my mother liked me.

I have met some wonderful men (NOT pseudo men turned into boys or bullies) but real men...the kind of epic stories and legendary books. The kind that aren't intimidated. The kind that look me in the eye and take what they want because, honestly, they have better things to do with their time, like battle with the world...metaphorically speaking, of course....and so do I. Ouch.

I don't see anyone who was responding as if they were offended, so I'm not sure your apology is really necessary unless you're trying to be passive aggressive. In fact, I think all the women who responded in this thread were polite and respectful. Just because it's something you didn't want to hear, doesn't mean it wasn't polite and respectful. Whether or not it was helpful is for you to determine.

 

[All_4_Love]

I don't see anyone who was responding as if they were offended, so I'm not sure your apology is really necessary unless you're trying to be passive aggressive. In fact, I think all the women who responded in this thread were polite and respectful. Just because it's something you didn't want to hear, doesn't mean it wasn't polite and respectful. Whether or not it was helpful is for you to determine.

*grumbles*

Posts like this certainly won't make her feel welcomed and want to stick around.

Besides, hasn't JBJ covered enough on the topic of passive aggressive for a while? That gets thrown around so much anymore. Sheez!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[All_4_Love]

I feel it would be wrong at this juncture not to state that as if the women here were all lacking the display of these.

Anyway, I don't know you yet all 4 love, how do you do....

And, I feel it would be wrong at this juncture to assume that because it wasn't stated that that was what was being implied...

But, I digress.

I am doing well, Gianbattista, better than I have been in quite some time. I hope that you are doing just the same. It's nice to meet you, although I believe I may have briefly interacted with you on another thread.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[All_4_Love]

My apologies for forgetting ( I am Elle, not G)

Thank you, Elle, but I am hardly deserving of an apology because someone doesn't remember me. You did offer much support, understanding, and encouragement on a thread I started a few months ago, and for that, I am grateful.

OP, my apology for getting off track. Back to your question, you can attract some very decent dominant men here on this board, ones whom I believe to be very strong, powerful, and controlling. It may take some time for them to get to know you before they approach you. They are dominant men, men of quality, so it goes without saying that they will more than likely observe long before they interact with you.

Good luck.

 

[SpunThings]

*grumbles*

Posts like this certainly won't make her feel welcomed and want to stick around.

Besides, hasn't JBJ covered enough on the topic of passive aggressive for a while? That gets thrown around so much anymore. Sheez!

Ugh, really? You're lumping me with him? Maybe that was harsh on my part, but man I don't think my words are anywhere near the stuff he spews.

 

[All_4_Love]

Ugh, really? You're lumping me with him? Maybe that was harsh on my part, but man I don't think my words are anywhere near the stuff he spews.

*chuckle*

You've got a good point! No more lumping... I'm sorry.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[valhallacanwait]

I prefer "aggressive passive", thank you.

Happy Canada Day!

 

[*Twisted*]

I prefer "aggressive passive", thank you.

Happy Canada Day!

Happy Canada day to you!

 

[Dreamliner]

....how do I attract a male Dom??? Men are nervous about approaching me at the best of times.

Why? The Dom/sub dynamic surely is based on respect, not abuse, as many sudo "Dom's" seem to think it is and convey in what they spout on some of the threads. Personally I believe there is a very high level of respect for each in the D/s lifestyle.

If you connect with the "right" person, in your view, there are subtle things you can do to start showing your inner self.

If the guy is not confident within himself, then perhaps he is not a true Dom and finds it difficult to deal with a strong woman, the latter not inferring she does not have submissive qualities. A Dom should be able to pickup on these characteristics, no matter how hidden they may be.

He is out there, take your time. [Happy Canada day]

 

[homewa]

Why? The Dom/sub dynamic surely is based on respect, not abuse, as many sudo "Dom's" seem to think it is and convey in what they spout on some of the threads. Personally I believe there is a very high level of respect for each in the D/s lifestyle.

If you connect with the "right" person, in your view, there are subtle things you can do to start showing your inner self.

If the guy is not confident within himself, then perhaps he is not a true Dom and finds it difficult to deal with a strong woman, the latter not inferring she does not have submissive qualities. A Dom should be able to pickup on these characteristics, no matter how hidden they may be.

He is out there, take your time. [Happy Canada day]

I'm not terribly experienced here, but isn't expecting a dom to be dominant and confident outside of the bedroom like expecting a sub to be a submissive doormat outside of the bedroom?

 

[Dreamliner]

I'm not terribly experienced here, but isn't expecting a dom to be dominant and confident outside of the bedroom like expecting a sub to be a submissive doormat outside of the bedroom?

No, not in my view. It is not about physical, psychological or sexual abuse. It is about the respect of a D/s dynamic. Respect the person.

 

[homewa]

No, not in my view. It is not about physical, psychological or sexual abuse. It is about the respect of a D/s dynamic. Respect the person.

It is the same though. You're saying that a person who isn't confident and dominating outside the bedroom isn't a "true dom". It'd be the same thing as if I said, a person who isn't submissive and obedient outside the bedroom isn't a "true sub". I didn't mention or even associate abuse to this, I wasn't talking about that. What I was saying is that what somebody enjoys in the bedroom, may not be the person they are outside, and this is a true for dominants as it is for submissives. Anything else would be a double standard, and those are generally bad.

Edit: I mean the very start of the thread is the OP being afraid that she won't find a dominant because she appears to be so outside of the bedroom. What we want in the bedroom, isn't necessarily the person we are outside. Or at least so I assume.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I'm not terribly experienced here, but isn't expecting a dom to be dominant and confident outside of the bedroom like expecting a sub to be a submissive doormat outside of the bedroom?

Sub and dom have nothing to do with abuse. Their interactions are complementary like between a military genius, say Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson. Lee and Jackson were on the same page. Lee was the superior strategist, Jackson was the superior actor, and they kept Lincoln awake nights for a full year.

The fools here never get it.

 

[DesEsseintes]

It is the same though. You're saying that a person who isn't confident and dominating outside the bedroom isn't a "true dom". It'd be the same thing as if I said, a person who isn't submissive and obedient outside the bedroom isn't a "true sub". I didn't mention or even associate abuse to this, I wasn't talking about that. What I was saying is that what somebody enjoys in the bedroom, may not be the person they are outside, and this is a true for dominants as it is for submissives. Anything else would be a double standard, and those are generally bad.

Edit: I mean the very start of the thread is the OP being afraid that she won't find a dominant because she appears to be so outside of the bedroom. What we want in the bedroom, isn't necessarily the person we are outside. Or at least so I assume.

Of course that can be so. But there is a difference between role playing in the bedroom, and living it 24/7. Some people think the latter is impossible, because it means never letting the mask drop. But that implies that every Dom and sub is always wearing a mask.

 

[Dreamliner]

It is the same though. You're saying that a person who isn't confident and dominating outside the bedroom isn't a "true dom". It'd be the same thing as if I said, a person who isn't submissive and obedient outside the bedroom isn't a "true sub". I didn't mention or even associate abuse to this, I wasn't talking about that. What I was saying is that what somebody enjoys in the bedroom, may not be the person they are outside, and this is a true for dominants as it is for submissives. Anything else would be a double standard, and those are generally bad.

Edit: I mean the very start of the thread is the OP being afraid that she won't find a dominant because she appears to be so outside of the bedroom. What we want in the bedroom, isn't necessarily the person we are outside. Or at least so I assume.

You talked about the sub being a doormat, that in my view is incorrect. The dynamic between a D/s can be fluid. It is btw the two, excluding outside interaction. A confident person in the workplace, as in this example by the OP, is how they project their personna, in behind is that sub desire and needs.

 

[homewa]

Of course that can be so. But there is a difference between role playing in the bedroom, and living it 24/7. Some people think the latter is impossible, because it means never letting the mask drop. But that implies that every Dom and sub is always wearing a mask.

I agree. My main issue with his advice was that if the roles were reversed it would cause the OP to exclude somebody like herself, a submissive who acts in a dominant fashion in their daily life.

And I agree that if one is looking for a 24/7 thing then criteria should be different. After all if it's all the time then you would have to find a person that was comfortable with being submissive all the time, and the reverse as well.

I disagree about the mask though, we are all always wearing masks, of one sort or another, or at least that's my opinion; and we trade them out as needs dictate.

You talked about the sub being a doormat, that in my view is incorrect. The dynamic between a D/s can be fluid. It is btw the two, excluding outside interaction. A confident person in the workplace, as in this example by the OP, is how they project their personna, in behind is that sub desire and needs.

I said that expecting a dominant to be dominant all the time was the same thing as expecting a sub who was a submissive doormat all the time. That was the point I was trying to make. If one is wrong, then the other is likewise wrong.

 

[DesEsseintes]

I disagree about the mask though, we are all always wearing masks, of one sort or another, or at least that's my opinion; and we trade them out as needs dictate.

Oh, absolutely, and I have made the same point here before in a different context. My point ought to have been that the Dominant/submissive mask is, for some, the closest mask to the truth, and does not imply 'faking it'.

 

[jezzilee]

I disagree about the mask though, we are all always wearing masks, of one sort or another, or at least that's my opinion; and we trade them out as needs dictate

I call this multiples. Because I love multiples. Everyone has multiple personalities whether they admit it or not. The person you show to your children, the person you show to your friends, the person you are to your lover(s) the person you are to your coworkers.... multiple personalities.

 

[homewa]

I call this multiples. Because I love multiples. Everyone has multiple personalities whether they admit it or not. The person you show to your children, the person you show to your friends, the person you are to your lover(s) the person you are to your coworkers.... multiple personalities.

Also the person we show to ourselves, and the person we really are.

 

[Ishmael]

....how do I attract a male Dom??? Men are nervous about approaching me at the best of times.

There are some thoughtful replies here.

Think of it as a real estate venture. It all depends on what you want (expect) and where you look.

I don't think any Dom worth his salt is going to be put off because you happen to be attractive and strong in your own domain. Quite frankly, that should add to the chemistry.

Could part of it be that you are making snap decisions without some discussion regarding your expectations? That is a question that only you can answer. You may have missed some opportunities along the way.

To my mind a good part of it is discussing what you want. As far as to where to look, I'm certain that there is someone here that can point you in the right direction for your locale.

Ishmael

 

[*Twisted*]

I call this multiples. Because I love multiples. Everyone has multiple personalities whether they admit it or not. The person you show to your children, the person you show to your friends, the person you are to your lover(s) the person you are to your coworkers.... multiple personalities.

That's a really good point Jezzi
In the army when we talked about leadership we had a phrase. You are three people, who you are, who you think you are, and who others think you are. None of them are the same person.

 

[SpunThings]

Of course that can be so. But there is a difference between role playing in the bedroom, and living it 24/7. Some people think the latter is impossible, because it means never letting the mask drop. But that implies that every Dom and sub is always wearing a mask.

I have to point out that there aren't two choices, "role playing in the bedroom, and living it 24/7." That kind of statement sort of encourages this view that people who choose a dominant role have to be dominant all the time (or they're not "true") or the opposite for submissives. People are complex, and social interactions are complex. Some people take a more dominant role with certain people (whether they realize it or not) and they'll take a more submissive role with others. So too can an individual take either a dominant or submissive role in a relationship with one person depending on the circumstances, without it ever being an act or "role play". I don't know if this is just my definition of roleplay, because I do that recreationally with friends, and under those circumstances it is acting. My husband has explicitly stated, on multiple occasions, that I make the decisions. However, in the bedroom he is in charge, and my submitting to him under those circumstances is not some show or act that is put on.

I think the original poster has made up her mind as to why people don't choose to form relationships with her, but I wonder if she's ever actually asked them? It could be any number of reasons. Sure, some men might be turned off by attractive, strong, and confident people (the "out of my league" mentality). It could be any number of other things too, including aspects of her personality. I don't say this as a barb either, because I'm not exactly drawing tons of close friends to myself and I know some of that is my personality. Some people have personalities that draw people in and make them want to be close to that person, and others don't.