Bi curious, keep it secret from her?

[midwestyankee]

Let's review a few facts, shall we?

1) You had sex with someone outside of a relationship that was perceived by your partner to be a monogamous relationship.

2) Since you didn't tell us that some burly former WWF wrestler forced you to play hide-the-salami with other guys, I'm going to presume that nothing like this happened.

3) Therefore I deduce that you chose to have these homosexual experiences.

4) Whether your bi-curiosity was sparked by watching some porn or not, you have the curiosity and have acted on it.

5) Now you seem to be plagued by guilt and a fear of your girlfriend's immediate reaction to you when you confess your curiosity and your actions with other men.

In sum, you're afraid that you screwed up. Well, pal, you did. But your screwup wasn't in watching a few skin flicks; it was in hanging on to the thought that it made sense to keep this information from your girlfriend.

As WW said, you seem to be overly concerned with your girlfriend's immediate reaction to your confession. You're afraid you might lose her. Trust me, please, as someone whose memory of saying "I do" goes back to several years before you were born: if she won't accept the real you, you don't want to be in the hell that you will create by entering into a long-term relationship with her.

 

[lm2000]

But real every day life isn't vacation.

Take some time to think and then think some more. It's not going to be easy but to deny a part of yourself for the rest of your life (whether she is with you or not) will only cause emotional pain.

Thank you for being sensative and, your words sound almost soothing. But maybe enduring the pain is a better alternative then losing the woman i love. I know other men do it. And I have other secrets, many people have secrets, many people die with secrets. Is it painful, maybe more so to some than to others, i dont know.

 

[lm2000]

You're suggesting the porn made you bi-curious? Watching porn might contribute to your desire to act on it, but trust me it's got nothing to do with your sexual orientation.

You seem so sure that this is a fact. But is this such an outrageous theory? I dont think so, based on my own life experiences.

Other men suggest the same idea:

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A new subculture awakening?
It is interesting to me how many sites and discussions on the Internet are dedicated to men like us. I think we are all really similar: basically straight, live a "straight lifestyle" and don't want to give it up, just want a little extra fun. (It feels very Athenian, actually.) I wonder if in 10 years this will all seem at least a little normal in some circles, starting with discussions like this.

Here's hoping...

Here's hoping that guy at the coffee house at school is in those circles with me ...

curious_hubby curious_hubby is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: N Cal
Posts: 18
Similar feelings.
I didn't used to be attracted to men I saw in person, only to porn or fantasies, and then only when really horny. Now I am starting to become attracted to real live men. It is interesting.

A bi man I knew once told me he used to be like this--only in fantasy--and then he had sex with a man. After that, he was attracted to men just like women. I am not sure he wasn't lying and trying to get in my pants, however...

Anyway...
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Sorry for the shotty quoting.

Im not placing blame on anyone, or the porn industry for making me bi.

Im simply stating a potential theory i have maybe. This is a new generation, a generation that has had on-demand access to raw hardcore porn at a very young age. Its not so far-fetched IMO.

Not to ramble off topic in my own thread, but, well too late...

I can clearly remember my progression through my porn habits:

1. Discovering porn on the internet. Waiting 10 minutes to download a picture of a woman in a braw, or if i was lucky without a braw.

2. Discovering more "hardcore" porn. Penetration at first...wow sex, this is hot...lots of masterbation ensued.

3. Anal sex, how taboo...and it looks so fun!

4. The quest for the perfect pussy...I would sometimes spend hours on the edge of orgasim looking for the perfect breasts or pussy that fit exactly my ideal type.

5. Only within the last 2 years or so i started noticing cocks could have a "bad or good" rating too. They came in all shapes and sizes just like pussies.

6. Now I would catch myself starting to look at cocks in straight porn, and subconsciously rating them.

7. I now look for cocks that turn me on in straight porn, some of them get me extremely excited like when i was a teenager and stumbled on my first fully nude images of women.

And now im at where i am now, cocks turn me on, plain and simple. Ive even experimented with another mans, and i found it thrilling, exciting and hot. But is it just the next "taboo" thing in my list? Will I get over it? Is it really necessary, to bring the topic back around, is it really necessary to tell the woman I love if its just another phase?

 

[wicked woman]

You seem so sure that this is a fact. But is this such an outrageous theory? I dont think so, based on my own life experiences.

Other men suggest the same idea:





Sorry for the shotty quoting.

Im not placing blame on anyone, or the porn industry for making me bi.

Im simply stating a potential theory i have maybe. This is a new generation, a generation that has had on-demand access to raw hardcore porn at a very young age. Its not so far-fetched IMO.

Not to ramble off topic in my own thread, but, well too late...

I can clearly remember my progression through my porn habits:

1. Discovering porn on the internet. Waiting 10 minutes to download a picture of a woman in a braw, or if i was lucky without a braw.

2. Discovering more "hardcore" porn. Penetration at first...wow sex, this is hot...lots of masterbation ensued.

3. Anal sex, how taboo...and it looks so fun!

4. The quest for the perfect pussy...I would sometimes spend hours on the edge of orgasim looking for the perfect breasts or pussy that fit exactly my ideal type.

5. Only within the last 2 years or so i started noticing cocks could have a "bad or good" rating too. They came in all shapes and sizes just like pussies.

6. Now I would catch myself starting to look at cocks in straight porn, and subconsciously rating them.

7. I now look for cocks that turn me on in straight porn, some of them get me extremely excited like when i was a teenager and stumbled on my first fully nude images of women.

And now im at where i am now, cocks turn me on, plain and simple. Ive even experimented with another mans, and i found it thrilling, exciting and hot. But is it just the next "taboo" thing in my list? Will I get over it? Is it really necessary, to bring the topic back around, is it really necessary to tell the woman I love if its just another phase?

Yes you're off topic, but it's your thread so I'll indulge you. It's my opinion I'll admit, but no I don't think porn can change someone's sexual orientation. I think the internet and today's more accepting society (e.g. how it's almost cool for women to be bisexual now and some young women almost feel it's a requirement to see what it's like to have sex with a woman) make it more acceptable for people to admit their curiosity or sexual orientation and even to experiment. I don't think it changes sexual orientation though. It may have been subconcious, but it was there before. That's my opinion. You're certainly entitled to yours.

Either way whether it's just a phase for you or not, it doesn't negate that fact that you've had, and may continue to have, sex with someone other than your girlfriend when she thinks she's in a monogamous relationship. Big issue.

 

[DrHappy]

I can’t believe that there is even a doubt about what is the ethical action to do. You must tell her. It’s not fair to her to withhold this information from her. If she can’t accept this about you, then she’s not the right girl for you. Incompatibility happens all the time for other reasons. You got attached before resolving a possible incompatibility. Now you are asking whether it’s okay to keep it secret from her. It’s not just a small secret, it’s a large secret about who you are. Many would interpret this as asking for validation to lie. She should have this information and it’s not fair to withhold it from her. The answer is an obvious “no”.

If she said: never touch another man or woman again. I would do it for her. But im worried i might get bored? I dont know. Im only 24. What the hell.

You have no business marrying her. Please don't do this to her.

I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with being bisexual, but it’s selfish and cruel to withhold this information from a girl so that you have a relationship with her.

Cheating on her with guys while she’s expecting a monogamous relationship with you would be an additional betrayal.

 

[Ermend]

Okay, advice from someone unqualified to give it here, but I agree 100% with everyone who said "talk to her". Don't think about why you shouldn't. You can't right things here without confronting the situation and being straightforward with your ladyfriend. If you need to, do things in stages, but do it. And give yourself a deadline so you don't keep running away (Saturday seems like a good arbitrary choice).

The more you think about this, the more wrong you'll be. You'll make excuses for yourself to justify your actions and your secrecy and you won't be able to get out of the web you weave.

Just my thoughts, though.

 

[GentleSub_Ivy]

*****

 

[M's girl]

Being Bi and being in a monogamous relationship (or not) are two separate things. She could accept the fact that you're Bi if and when you promise her to be monogamous. The way you put it sounds to me like you think if you tell her about the Bi thing and she accepts this it would automatically imply that she will understand you will HAVE to act this out every now and then.

No matter if you're straight or bi .... if you promise to be in a monogamous relationship sex with another person is off limits. Period.

Oh, and I think she has a right to know this about you if you are planning anything long-term with her!