Can being a new sub be overwhelming?

[catalina_francisco]

Yea I know and I'm trying to change that. I guess my old HNG tendencies still pop up every here and there and I really want to get rid of those.

Have a good wank before you go online, then you can concentrate more on the things which count...just a thought.

Catalina

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Okay, then in this case, maybe it's an issue, maybe it isn't. Do you ask leading questions and ignore the answers if it doesn't suit you?

Is your search for the learning a search to reinforce what you already know, or learn something new?

In general. (if this is a hijack, say so, I tend to do that, and go off on tangents, which I don't intend as an insult)

For me, I think I had to learn a lot of that the hard way. I now "know" a great deal less, while being a lot more wise about the remaining part of the equation. More evenhandedness in not knowing, but having my opinions still be okay.

My listening skills have improved. But as my listening skills improve, it doesn't necessarily get better, it means that it's pointed out to me how often, listening isn't something people do. It can be very frustrating.

I can say that often in meeting people, also, if you're trying to put in a good impression, it can appear fake. Something you can't sustain.

I ran like hell from my current husband. He says I ran away until I caught him. But this was over a series of years, and he was never impatient or frustrated, and I always came back.

You've raised some excellent points. I'm going to have to sit down and think about it.

Thank you. I'm really glad you didn't disappear.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Have a good wank before you go online, then you can concentrate more on the things which count...just a thought.

Catalina

You know what that is not a bad idea. lol

Thank you.

 

[CutieMouse]

Another thing to consider is how are you improving your "game" for lack of a better term? The quiet self-assured patient Dom you seem to be wanting to be, attracts a whole different kind of person than the HNG approach.

You might read/stop in the Dom Lounge thread and talk with RJ, Netz, JM (and others - Incubus Dark seems very reasonable, although I don't think I "know" him)... how do they manage to interact with submissive women without scaring them off, offending them, or otherwise letting loose the HNG demon?

 

[sister76]

Me pushing too quickly instead of taking my time as I should and also some subs may have not been ready.

It seems like if you were pushing too hard too quickly that a sub would tell you that, but she might not if there was not enough of an attachment built up between the two of you at that time.

 

[BiBunny]

It seems like if you were pushing too hard too quickly that a sub would tell you that, but she might not if there was not enough of an attachment built up between the two of you at that time.

My experience on the submissive side of this equation is that if somebody's pushing me and ignores my gentle attempts to turn the direction of the conversation, then I'm just going to ignore that person completely from now on.

When B. and I were on hiatus a little while ago, I was talking to a Dom I thought was a friend. We'd hung out a few times, and he seemed ok. As soon as he found out that B. and I had separated, though, our conversations revolved around two things: how bad of a person B. was (and I later found out that this guy was just as guilty of the things he was trash-talking B. for doing) and how he was going to own me. After several attempts on my part to tell this guy that I had no desire whatsoever to jump right out of one relationship into another, I just quit talking to him, since he didn't seem to have enough respect for my wishes to listen to me. He still tries to contact me from time to time, but I'm not going to waste any more time on an idiot.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

You might read/stop in the Dom Lounge thread and talk with RJ, Netz, JM (and others - Incubus Dark seems very reasonable, although I don't think I "know" him)... how do they manage to interact with submissive women without scaring them off, offending them, or otherwise letting loose the HNG demon?

Thanks.

I didn't notice that thread. I guess I have some reading to do!

 

[WriterDom]

Part of your problem is you are very young yourself and these new 18 year old subs popping up everywhere are fickle to begin with. Anyone under 25 is pretty much a waste of my time. Yes, there are exceptions, but few and far between.

 

[BiBunny]

Anyone under 25 is pretty much a waste of my time.

Woo-hoo! In a year and 3 months (give or take), I won't be a waste of WD's time. Yes!

 

[the captians wench]

Were you assertive and in control most of your life?

To be honest, no I wasn't. Infact I have a very timid and submissive personality. What had happened was I had just gotten out of a 'nilla marriage where I was in all respects a sub with out that tital. I did everything for my husband like a "good lil house wife" should. Everything was done the way he liked it, dinner on the table when he came home, and me naked 10 mins later. *giggles* But towards the end, that relationship took a bad turn and things got into the abusive catagory. So I was afraid when I heard the idea of what a sub was, and even more scary, a slave.

Once I did take that step tho, I found I was happier and I was less stressed out. Then I started moving up the ladder at my job, so now I'm 3rd in command of a brand new store. One of the things my boss stresses to me is that I have to learn to be more agressive. That's a hard one for me, but I've found a suport base that has helped me a lot. Now that's not to say these people support me because I'm submissive, but I would not have met any of them out side of "the life".

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

To be honest, no I wasn't. Infact I have a very timid and submissive personality. What had happened was I had just gotten out of a 'nilla marriage where I was in all respects a sub with out that tital. I did everything for my husband like a "good lil house wife" should. Everything was done the way he liked it, dinner on the table when he came home, and me naked 10 mins later. *giggles* But towards the end, that relationship took a bad turn and things got into the abusive catagory. So I was afraid when I heard the idea of what a sub was, and even more scary, a slave.

Once I did take that step tho, I found I was happier and I was less stressed out. Then I started moving up the ladder at my job, so now I'm 3rd in command of a brand new store. One of the things my boss stresses to me is that I have to learn to be more agressive. That's a hard one for me, but I've found a suport base that has helped me a lot. Now that's not to say these people support me because I'm submissive, but I would not have met any of them out side of "the life".

Thank you for sharing.

And thank you to everyone who has replied.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I just show my goofy side and seems to allow people to relax and smile.

 

[bobsgirl]

I've known I have submissive tendencies for a couple years I guess. I read, and researched and pestered Dom and sub friends for insight and information. It's only been in the past few months that I have been comfortable referring to myself as a sub. I recently had been corresponding via e-mail with a Dom; he made some assumptions that were wrong, and it scared the daylights out of me, even though it was exciting as hell. I felt stupid and naive.

So yes, it is kinda scary to be a new inexperienced sub and have somebody come on too strong.

 

[WriterDom]

Woo-hoo! In a year and 3 months (give or take), I won't be a waste of WD's time. Yes!

Are you a Scorpio? If so we do need to plan the party.

 

[BiBunny]

Are you a Scorpio? If so we do need to plan the party.

Close. Sagittarius--born November 28.

 

[Puman]

Close. Sagittarius--born November 28.

Ah! The BEST sign of the Zodiac.
I'm November 27th

 

[littleone77]

My insertions...

For a moment imagine bath time with a toddler. You draw the water and the baby puts a toe in. Sometimes they don't even want to have anything else to do with it. Too hot or too cold. Other times the get into the water only to discover they really don't want a bath. And also a few have no qualms.

Maybe that would help.

The second thought that occured to me is this...Maybe its you? And I am saying this in the best way possible since I really don't know you at all. But if you have chatted with several "subs" and most leave perhaps its something on your end. Its really hard to see that I know.

Third...Maybe you have just had a run of bad sub luck? lol.

I am one of those subs in the young category. I do not deal with D's under the age of 35. Just how I operate. I found in my experience they do not have enough experience or patience to deal with me. It takes forever to gain my trust but once it is had its a special thing. Or so He tells me

My point is the whole process can take a while. They key is not to give up, learn from it and keep going. Some wait years, some find what they need in a few months and others get lucky on the first try. It also helps if you look at other sites. Bigger fishing pool

 

[ShyVixen]

It is exceedingly overwhelming to be a 'new' sub.

There are a mix of turbulent emotions ranging from the positive - excitement and fulfilment- to the negative - guilt. These emotions can be enough to make a new sub run back to a vanilla relationship/ lifestyle.

In some cases, it may be that sub doesn't know what they want. Speaking personally, it's very overwhelming to experience all these emotions.

 

[minx1]

It is exceedingly overwhelming to be a 'new' sub.

There are a mix of turbulent emotions ranging from the positive - excitement and fulfilment- to the negative - guilt. These emotions can be enough to make a new sub run back to a vanilla relationship/ lifestyle.

In some cases, it may be that sub doesn't know what they want. Speaking personally, it's very overwhelming to experience all these emotions.

[mini hijack]

Hi Shyvixen! *hugs* good to see you back

[/hijack]

 

[Snoozebutton2]

Ah! The BEST sign of the Zodiac.
I'm November 27th

Ohhh no I'm the best sign for being a dominant-Virgo. lol

 

[FurryFury]

When I first started getting interested in this I happened to be blessed with a person in my online life that had some Dom experience. Though he was never my Dom nor I his sub, we did some wonderful role play with the idea of me researching certain aspects.

*sigh*

I so miss that. I can't do it anymore though.

Anyway, online people are fickle in general. They get busy, life changes or they get pissed and poof! Some are just fucking NUTS too.

He and I lost touch when he got a promotion that left him little time for online activity. We both moved on. I do hope he has found a way to meet a sub in RL though and that he is happy. That's what I wish for most of my online buds, that they meet the right RL person and are happy.

It's irritating as hell when people drop out of your life with little or no warning, but that's life and human beings, particularly when you are not working toward to goal of actually meeting and becoming part of the other person's life.

I never did seek out an online Dom until much later and even then I was seeking a BDSM Guide more than anything. I've found that I have far too little to offer most. At least in my own mind that is true. When the burden of that knowledge gets to be too much of a downer, I've found lately that I bailed, something I've never, ever done in a relationship before. It totally blew my mind that I could and felt I had to do that.

If I were single and didn't have a host of responsibilities, it sure would be easier in that mythical place and time to submit, and give what I think I should. Though I know that there would still be plenty of challenges for me.

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

Woo-hoo! In a year and 3 months (give or take), I won't be a waste of WD's time. Yes!

hehe i don't think you would be a waste of time and think he thinks the same eventho he said he prefer woman 25 years old and up

Something tells me he would do an exception in ur case


To answear your question Daddy2mylilgirl:
Yes being sub can be very overhelming for a new sub, at least it is very often for me



~Kate

 

[the_pet]

In my experience, the reasons for subs cutting out on Dom/mes they talked to online are one of two things.

#2--The Dom/me pushed too hard, too quickly, raising red flags in the sub's mind. The need for self-preservation kicked in, and that was that.

I think #2 is too often overlooked or passed off as #1. Nobody wants to admit that they've screwed up, and it's easier to blame things on a sub's insecurities. When I was seriously chatting with Dom/mes online, I found that if I talked to 10 of them, at least 7 or 8 of them made me feel uncomfortable right off the bat.

I didn't need to read any further than this and nodded in agreement!


pet

 

[sexycaz22]

For me, as a "new" submissive/bottom, I almost hate it when Doms ask about what I look like, right on the first meeting online, or ask for a photo, before we can go any further. While I do understand their reasons for this, i.e. that I am actually a girl, not a boy, it does bother me a little bit, that they asked for that on the first meeting online, maybe a second one or a third one, would be fine, AFTER we get to know each other.

One time, I was talking to a Dom, he seemed so nice, and then suddenly he talked about rules and a contract for us to enter, and I was like...hang on...it was not what I was looking for - I was just wanting to chat with you as a person, and not as a submissive/bottom.

I was lucky enough to have met some nice Doms, from here, from CM and from IC. One of them, I went on to meet in real life, as he talked about books, movies etc, did not ask for a picture, he offered his first...then didn't ask for mine...I offered my picture all by myself and we chatted, met at a munch, chatted online some more and then met in real life.....it was lovely.

When you talk to a new submissive, the best way for you is to give her time and let her go at her own pace. Do not ask for a picture or anything straight away, talk to her as a person, talking about things, rather than about the BDSM...at least in the beginning. Do NOT assume anything from her.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[FurryFury]

For me, as a "new" submissive/bottom, I almost hate it when Doms ask about what I look like, right on the first meeting online, or ask for a photo, before we can go any further. While I do understand their reasons for this, i.e. that I am actually a girl, not a boy, it does bother me a little bit, that they asked for that on the first meeting online, maybe a second one or a third one, would be fine, AFTER we get to know each other.

One time, I was talking to a Dom, he seemed so nice, and then suddenly he talked about rules and a contract for us to enter, and I was like...hang on...it was not what I was looking for - I was just wanting to chat with you as a person, and not as a submissive/bottom.

I was lucky enough to have met some nice Doms, from here, from CM and from IC. One of them, I went on to meet in real life, as he talked about books, movies etc, did not ask for a picture, he offered his first...then didn't ask for mine...I offered my picture all by myself and we chatted, met at a munch, chatted online some more and then met in real life.....it was lovely.

When you talk to a new submissive, the best way for you is to give her time and let her go at her own pace. Do not ask for a picture or anything straight away, talk to her as a person, talking about things, rather than about the BDSM...at least in the beginning. Do NOT assume anything from her.

I wish you the best of luck.

Great post, IMO! I always equate those who push right off and/or demand a picture with a HNG and write them off immediately. That's not ever going to fly with me.