Can D/s do what therapy can not?

[Kathykitten]

It's always dangerous to look for healing or affirmation in your partner. Not only will it create an unatural need to lean on them, but you put an enormous responsibility on their person as well.
A D/s relation can certainly help with person A's relationship, but by no means heal it.

It needs to come from within person A, and like others have said I'd definently recommend another therapist, they are very different! Person A must continue until she finds someone where the communication and "bonding" is natural and good from day one. (I do think that with some people you simply have it, and others you simply dont)

Good luck!

 

[twysted73]

It's always dangerous to look for healing or affirmation in your partner. Not only will it create an unatural need to lean on them, but you put an enormous responsibility on their person as well.

It needs to come from within person A, and like others have said I'd definently recommend another therapist, they are very different! Person A must continue until she finds someone where the communication and "bonding" is natural and good from day one. (I do think that with some people you simply have it, and others you simply dont)

Good luck!

When you lose a friend, a family member, a spouse or even a pet.....
It is human nature to draw support from those close to you. For some, it's one person. For others it's a family unit.
I disagree.
Not every situation must be fixed from within and alone. I don't think we're all little fonts of self-helping inspiration. And not every psychological hurt should be delivered directly to a therapist.

We are relenquishing our natural coping methods to modern science and medicine.
Much like our immune systems.

By running to psychologists for every booboo mom isn't there to kiss away, we're doing ourselves a disservice.

 

[Netzach]

When you lose a friend, a family member, a spouse or even a pet.....
It is human nature to draw support from those close to you. For some, it's one person. For others it's a family unit.
I disagree.
Not every situation must be fixed from within and alone. I don't think we're all little fonts of self-helping inspiration. And not every psychological hurt should be delivered directly to a therapist.

We are relenquishing our natural coping methods to modern science and medicine.
Much like our immune systems.

By running to psychologists for every booboo mom isn't there to kiss away, we're doing ourselves a disservice.

By worrying about whether mom is there or not we're doing ourselves a greater one. People are OK with being incapable of bucking up. Which doesn't mean not feeling it, but having no idea how to feel it and get over oneself.

This is why therapy is useful, when people actually utilize what they're being given instead of using the therapy as a fodder for their new identity as broken victim.

Whether you rely on your partner or therapy for THAT identity, it doesn't much matter.

Some people don't want to get better, they prefer the attention. How convenient to make your problems the source of your romantic attention.

 

[Instig8r]

A few thoughts

It seems that most if not all of the responses are assuming that person A (the one needing "healing") is the pyl in the relationship. Is everyone assuming that PYLs don't need healing? Or that pyls are aways more broken than PYLs?

Is part of the intent of this thread to prove that D/s relationships are better than vanilla relationships in some manner such that D/s relationships are better at providing this healing?

Some vanilla people would claim that BDSMers gravitate to the lifestyle to avoid acknowledging and resolving some antisocial thoughts and behaviors. Would that be an argument that some are using BDSM as a way to dodge professional help?

 

[rosco rathbone]

Fuck that Jon Jacobs "dom as therapist" shit.

Not interested in that role at all.

 

[twysted73]

By worrying about whether mom is there or not we're doing ourselves a greater one. People are OK with being incapable of bucking up. Which doesn't mean not feeling it, but having no idea how to feel it and get over oneself.

This is why therapy is useful, when people actually utilize what they're being given instead of using the therapy as a fodder for their new identity as broken victim.

Whether you rely on your partner or therapy for THAT identity, it doesn't much matter.

Some people don't want to get better, they prefer the attention. How convenient to make your problems the source of your romantic attention.

Netz, I think I see your point.
Thus the ownace of the problem returns to the rightful source. To the shoulders of the one in need of help.
It is to him/her to take that step to get better regardless of the source(s) they choose to avail in the process. Regardless of what path they take to get there solong as the step is made.
Sure they may lean on others for support but the foreward momentum must be theirs for change to begin.
I agree.
But why must that step be from within only? I refer to initially.
Can we not be inspired from an external source to begin this journey?
This is my lasting question.

Now...

It seems that most if not all of the responses are assuming that person A (the one needing "healing") is the pyl in the relationship. Is everyone assuming that PYLs don't need healing? Or that pyls are aways more broken than PYLs?

Insightful. But definitely for another thread.

Is part of the intent of this thread to prove that D/s relationships are better than vanilla relationships in some manner such that D/s relationships are better at providing this healing?

No starting fights. Each dynamic (vanilla/D/s) is only as good for the person it's applying to.
Different strokes, etc.

Some vanilla people would claim that BDSMers gravitate to the lifestyle to avoid acknowledging and resolving some antisocial thoughts and behaviors. Would that be an argument that some are using BDSM as a way to dodge professional help?

Again, the claims of one group on the beliefs & practices of another which they may not be able to nor wish to understand is a gross exercise in ignorance and futility.

I followed societal vanilla expectations at one point in my life. It turned out not to be my "thing".
But all thoughts of my thing asside, there are many individuals on both sides who choose their lifestyles as an excape from soemthing they don't wish to face. But the minority does not represent the majority in any case.







.

 

[Netzach]

It seems that most if not all of the responses are assuming that person A (the one needing "healing") is the pyl in the relationship. Is everyone assuming that PYLs don't need healing? Or that pyls are aways more broken than PYLs?

Is part of the intent of this thread to prove that D/s relationships are better than vanilla relationships in some manner such that D/s relationships are better at providing this healing?

Some vanilla people would claim that BDSMers gravitate to the lifestyle to avoid acknowledging and resolving some antisocial thoughts and behaviors. Would that be an argument that some are using BDSM as a way to dodge professional help?

That iteration is common and I know that when I'm really being rigid about control, I have a much worse time of things - if you're D, you have this added sense of "oh shit, I'm SUPPOSED to be perfect and inviolate" - I think we're less likely to get the help we need.

 

[Netzach]

I think I see your point.
Thus the ownace of the problem returns to the rightful source. To the shoulders of the one in need of help.
It is to him/her to take that step to get better regardless of the source(s) they choose to avail in the process. Regardless of what path they take to get there solong as the step is made.
Sure they may lean on others for support but the foreward momentum must be theirs for change to begin.
I agree.
But why must that step be from within only? I refer to initially.
Can we not be inspired from an external source to begin this journey?
This is my lasting question.
.

You can show people stuff. You can bring things to their attention. But Jesus, don't break your arm patting your back over that - it's really just what friends do for each other, isn't it?

By sexualizing it, charging it, framing it as M/s or as "service" or as - whatever - I think it loads that up with way too much added pressure and baggage.

If someone will only listen to me say that as their OWNER and not merely as the source of some friendly advice, I'm already being manipulated into a role and a fantasy. No go.

 

[twysted73]

By sexualizing it, charging it, framing it as M/s or as "service" or as - whatever - I think it loads that up with way too much added pressure and baggage.

If someone will only listen to me say that as their OWNER and not merely as the source of some friendly advice, I'm already being manipulated into a role and a fantasy. No go.

good call

 

[intothewoods]

<snip>

Some people don't want to get better, they prefer the attention. How convenient to make your problems the source of your romantic attention.

Yeah, I agree.

But I will admit I am a problem solver. When my shit hits the fan, I gather my experts, get the best information and then I take care of business. I don't say, saaaave me, Person X (therapist, Dom, friend, parent, etcetera)!

That's not to say that I don't like to be taken care of, and even really need it in my dynamic. But if we're talking emotional health, I look to him for support and to talk with, figuring out strategies, etc. If I hit a brick wall with him, I know it's something serious I need to figure out, and I tend to call in an expert for help and reference. That's just the way I operate.

 

[Instig8r]

Insightful. But definitely for another thread.

Is it? As Netzach pointed out, some PYLs have doubts. This thread has taken the path that pyls are the only ones. Why is it off-topic on this thread to discuss PYLs using D/s relationships to fix themselves?

No starting fights. Each dynamic (vanilla/D/s) is only as good for the person it's applying to.
Different strokes, etc.

Then you missed my point. If you don't take me seriously that is not me starting a fight. Some believe that D/s relationships are better than vanilla relationships because of trust and communication. Does it follow that those people believe that D/s relationships are a better substitute for professional help than vanilla relationships are a better substitute for professional help? This is presented and asked as it applies to this thread in particular.

Again, the claims of one group on the beliefs & practices of another which they may not be able to nor wish to understand is a gross exercise in ignorance and futility.

Again I believe you have missed my point. I did not present that question to the vanillas. I presented it here for these people to provide insight as it applies to this thread.

 

[Netzach]

Yeah, I agree.

But I will admit I am a problem solver. When my shit hits the fan, I gather my experts, get the best information and then I take care of business. I don't say, saaaave me, Person X (therapist, Dom, friend, parent, etcetera)!

That's not to say that I don't like to be taken care of, and even really need it in my dynamic. But if we're talking emotional health, I look to him for support and to talk with, figuring out strategies, etc. If I hit a brick wall with him, I know it's something serious I need to figure out, and I tend to call in an expert for help and reference. That's just the way I operate.

I'm the same way, definitely. I have my go-to people and I bend ears as much as I have my ear bent - well almost. But I've been known to assemble the best experts on me and still go "nope, all wrong" and do it differently. Sometimes to my chagrin, but that's not really the point.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm the same way, definitely. I have my go-to people and I bend ears as much as I have my ear bent - well almost. But I've been known to assemble the best experts on me and still go "nope, all wrong" and do it differently. Sometimes to my chagrin, but that's not really the point.

I keep going back to the "normal" v. "freak" divide around here. Are we all freaks at some level? Well, at some level, sure. There are "buck the trend" things that are important to me, but I don't really live my life on the edge.

After I had my son, I had long exchanges with other moms about ways to prevent a c-section the next time. I did a lot of research, and I know a lot of the measures I plan on taking, but at some point I have to throw my hands up in the air and say, you know, I am not going to give birth in the woods alone. If you want to do that, fine, but I'm not going that route. That's just not me. I'll be boring and conventional before I roll around in pine needles all by strong mother earth lonesome.

 

[Netzach]

I keep going back to the "normal" v. "freak" divide around here. Are we all freaks at some level? Well, at some level, sure. There are "buck the trend" things that are important to me, but I don't really live my life on the edge.

After I had my son, I had long exchanges with other moms about ways to prevent a c-section the next time. I did a lot of research, and I know a lot of the measures I plan on taking, but at some point I have to throw my hands up in the air and say, you know, I am not going to give birth in the woods alone. If you want to do that, fine, but I'm not going that route. That's just not me. I'll be boring and conventional before I roll around in pine needles all by strong mother earth lonesome.

I am friends with the pain meds, sounds nuts to me. But this is one more reason I am sure I'm not cut out for that stuff.

 

[faeriefire]

This is kinda a cool question. The title first made me think of BDSM in general, not in terms of a relationship. So I was thinking maybe. There is something therapeutic about pleasure and pain, something uplifting about being restrained, something that breaks free beneath warmed skin. A friend recently said that the stress from his week is building up to a good flogging for his SO. In that sense it is possible to relieve a helluva lotta stress through D/s. I guess that works for hard exercise or sex too most of the time, even without the implements

Expecting someone else to fix whatever ails ya though, nope, no go. At least not for me. I think it's possible to augment happiness in a solid trusting relationship, but if there are psychological barriers worthy of a shrink then a shrink should be the one to address them. If someone is not truly happy with themself their happiness with another becomes dependent and eventually puts too much pressure on the relationship.

That said, people can influence each other. I genuinely believe that the ability to positively impact another's life crosses the spectrums of orientation, kink (or none), age, gender, etc. But at the end of the day people have to deal with their own shit. Putting problems on someone else leaves one powerless to change the situation. Blame game = no winners. I think the first step, yeah, someone says something and it makes a difference, but after that it's up to the individual to assess their reactions and decide where alternations need to be made.

Is it bad that I'd just assume not have 'cure PYL of schitzophrenia/bipolar/depression/anxiety/etc' as an option on the BDSM checklist? And that if I have a similar condition I'd rather not have a partner poking at it

 

[unfoundiamond]

Oooops

 

[unfoundiamond]

But what if.....(one of my favorite lines) the individual is already settled...wife/husband...kids, dogs, the house....american dream....

Yet they still cannot overcome this daily/nightly fear....

Is "the oprah situation" really helpful?

I would never say a Dom/me's guidance should be taken over that of a trained psychologist/psychiatrist.
It's not wise.
What I am asking is: with such a close connection, bond, etc. Could the Dominant not assist in getting the submissive to see the need for help by pushing past those barriers erected against years of self-coping, failed therapists and resultless attempts?
Acting as a tool..a starting pistol of sorts to get the ball rolling towards a need and/or desire to seriously seek out and engage in professional counciling?

This point continues to poke it's annoying finger into my ribs ever since I read this post.

In that's case my mom seems to think she's a ''starting pistol'' Domme too... and my grama, and my dad, and my aunt and my cousin wendy... and my...

**((trails off counting fingers as she flimspes a butterfly floating by**))

 

[Kathykitten]

When you lose a friend, a family member, a spouse or even a pet.....
It is human nature to draw support from those close to you. For some, it's one person. For others it's a family unit.
I disagree.
Not every situation must be fixed from within and alone. I don't think we're all little fonts of self-helping inspiration. And not every psychological hurt should be delivered directly to a therapist.

We are relenquishing our natural coping methods to modern science and medicine.
Much like our immune systems.

By running to psychologists for every booboo mom isn't there to kiss away, we're doing ourselves a disservice.

When there is an issue that is as deep as its suggested here, you shouldn't bring it on your partner. It will turn your partner into a part-time therapist, and that's not healthy for neither of you.

 

[Kathykitten]

How convenient to make your problems the source of your romantic attention.

Bingo. It's Just... Not... Healthy. It will turn the very thing you associate your romanse with to "the issue". And person A might actually end up needing this special half-therapist treatment from the partner to feel healthy and sane. Where does that leave the partner? =/

No one argues that it isn't great with support, comfort, and help from your partner. But I am convinced that a deeper rooted problem should be explored with someone besides your partner. Doesn't have to be a therapist either, could just be a close friend, family member, or such.

 

[kinkyknickers]

Coming into this discussion on the tail end, my insight is not as a long term thing but..... the_mgp has had a rather rough trot lately, and my life has been no basket of apples either, hence, M is also rather stressed at the moment.
So, even though play has been the furthest thing from my mind this week, I intend that we do something quite out of the box for all of us when I am with them in the next few days. I think it will be quite theraputic for all of us.

You know, forget the world and have some fun. It's just what the dom ordered.

 

[twysted73]

Coming into this discussion on the tail end, my insight is not as a long term thing but..... the_mgp has had a rather rough trot lately, and my life has been no basket of apples either, hence, M is also rather stressed at the moment.
So, even though play has been the furthest thing from my mind this week, I intend that we do something quite out of the box for all of us when I am with them in the next few days. I think it will be quite theraputic for all of us.

You know, forget the world and have some fun. It's just what the dom ordered.

Oooooutstanding,.

i need to sleep...

no more guinness! greygoose is just wrong

 

[the_mgp]

**********

 

[Marquis]

Reading this thread, I can see that there's been a lack of really awe-inspiring D/s in my life for a little while now, which is probably why I haven't been posting much recently.

I have certainly been in the situation, and plan to be again, where D/s can make you feel really whole and honest. If it's not sincerely therapeutic, it can certainly feel cathartic, at least.

When you're experiencing those kinds of feelings, it's easy to see how so many people can be seduced by the idea that if you just get (or keep) your D/s relationship right, everything else will fall in place. Unfortunately, I don't think that's how it tends to work out. To the contrary, if you don't have everything else in place, the D/s rarely lasts long.

 

[twysted73]

When you're experiencing those kinds of feelings, it's easy to see how so many people can be seduced by the idea that if you just get (or keep) your D/s relationship right, everything else will fall in place. Unfortunately, I don't think that's how it tends to work out. To the contrary, if you don't have everything else in place, the D/s rarely lasts long.

*claps*

 

[SweetDomme_29]

As a therapist I would have to say that my answer to all of the questions posted by you is "yes".

The trust and openness in a D/s relationship can be very therapeutic for many people because of the intense emotional and physical bond it establishes between the couple.

However, for others, especially those with severe mental illness that limits their grasp on reality, the intensity of a D/s relationship may prove to be too much. This is because often these people are unable to judge when a scene begins and when it ends.

Likewise, as Dom/Dommes these individuals have the potential to be dangerous because they have little to no impulse control.