Can familiarity/intimacy serve as a challenge for developing Doms?

[MastrJ]

I see no reason she can't still have frank exchanges with you ie: that you are full of shit when you are outside of the times you are having D/s goings on.

If you can't communicate frankly at times I don't think any relationship will work.

I'd say go slow and enjoy trying things together. Not ever fuck has to be the D/s fantasy fuck of a life time. Some can be nilla. Some can be make up after talking shit to one another. You know what I mean? It's ALL good as long as you both enjoy the journey and get what you want in my book.

That's my two cents.

Fury

Right now I am trying to take things slowly. She knows I have a 'toy box', but I don't plan to bring it over for a bit. When she asked why I answered honestly saying that I wanted us to spend some time getting to know each other again.

I know not every time needs to be BDSM, but it's really causing me to make a major change in my perceptions of her. It's that I've never thought of her in 'that sort of way' if people understand what I'm saying.

 

[FurryFury]

I understand. I'll bet she never thought of herself that way before either, or did she? Have y'all discussed that?

Fury

 

[MastrJ]

I understand. I'll bet she never thought of herself that way before either, or did she? Have y'all discussed that?

Fury

No, she had never thought that way either. A book she read got her to thinking about it. I think that's when the couple we know slapped their heads into the top of their desks and made many insulting comments about the both of us. They knew I had been attending munches and stuff and I think were fed up at the two of us not speaking and just being friendly and polite all the time.

 

[FurryFury]

No, she had never thought that way either. A book she read got her to thinking about it. I think that's when the couple we know slapped their heads into the top of their desks and made many insulting comments about the both of us. They knew I had been attending munches and stuff and I think were fed up at the two of us not speaking and just being friendly and polite all the time.

Honestly, I LOVE this!

Y'all sound pretty great together.

I hope things go well from here on out for you both.

Fury

 

[MastrJ]

Honestly, I LOVE this!

Y'all sound pretty great together.

I hope things go well from here on out for you both.

Fury

Thanks. So do I. We've talked about just the vanilla side of things, and realize that right now (as unemployed and looking to go back to school) that now isn't the time to get really serious. We know we'd kill each other. So we're feeling our way around at the moment and dreading all the questions her daughters will eventually have. (I'm the first guy she'll have dated since they were old enough to notice/care.)

 

[graceanne]

I see no reason she can't still have frank exchanges with you ie: that you are full of shit when you are outside of the times you are having D/s goings on.

If you can't communicate frankly at times I don't think any relationship will work.

I'd say go slow and enjoy trying things together. Not ever fuck has to be the D/s fantasy fuck of a life time. Some can be nilla. Some can be make up after talking shit to one another. You know what I mean? It's ALL good as long as you both enjoy the journey and get what you want in my book.

That's my two cents.

Fury

I have to agree. I've been known to tell K he's full of shit. Maybe not in those words. "Whatever" and rolled eyes works, too. Or a 'uh-huh' and a look generally gives him a pretty good idea of what I'm thinking.

 

[Mr. Mann]

Mr. Mann...

If I didn't know better, I'd accuse you of really being my SO! Your comments and sense of humor remind me a great deal of him.

Our relationship is fairly new, and he is new to being asked/expected/wanted to take control in the bedroom. Being bossy is second-nature to him, but this is a very different environment.

*He*, though, took to it like a fish to water. Surprise surprise. I, on the other hand, felt silly at first.

For about 2 minutes.

I think the advantage we had, though, is that he knew about my preferences and tendencies before we became involved. Yours seems to have come out after you had a solid relationship.

I think the end result won't be any different... it'll just take you a little while to get used to it. IMO, it's absolutely no different than having sex for the first time... it's awkward, you're not quite sure what goes where, and it might get messy or silly now and then, but you laugh it off, learn from it, and before you know it it doesn't even require any thinking.

And isn't it a *lot* of fun, then?

Practice makes perfect, they say... so go practice!

Yes, it IS fun! Mmmmm.

The thought of tying her down and seeing her naked and gelpless, giving herself to me. Delicious!

The thought of totuting her little nipples and watching her quiver as hot wax drips down her breasts. Delicious!

The thought of telling her what to do and having her serve me. Delicious!

The thought of taking her, ravishing her, unleashing my desire, hunger, and passion. Delicious!

The thought of firmly controlling her brattiness and turning it into comfort and intimate connection with a stern command and a spanking. Exquisite!

Yeah, FUN! Whew... I'm getting myself all worked up.

It's just kind of hard to think of the woman that I loved for being willing to stand up to me in college and tell me I was full of shit, wants to be my submissive.

I know where you are coming from. I maried a red head, if that tells you anything. Yes, she identifies as a very "typical" red head in that she is feircely strong willed and prides herself on being a rather dominant woman.

Yet, this is part of it.

Part of her defiance is also sort of like throwing up a red cape in front of a bull and asking to be charged. Part of her wants to be controlled when she gets out of hand, and part of her wants to know that I am strong enough to do that. She is free to not have to keep it all under control. She is able to lose it with me, and I have the capacity to handle it without thinking she is crazy. Part of the submission is also that it is something special just for me. She is "in charge" and "dominant" with the rest of the world... but I am the only person whom she can/will submitt to and also the only person who can make her submitt.

I probably haven't described it perfectly. I'm sure she could describe it better.

All this to say that art of what attracted me to her was that she WAS strong willed and could call me on my BS. I still want her to be that person and she still is.

It's really a very fluid and dynamic thing. Hard to describe.

 

[MastrJ]

All this to say that art of what attracted me to her was that she WAS strong willed and could call me on my BS. I still want her to be that person and she still is.

It's really a very fluid and dynamic thing. Hard to describe.

I think you hit the nail on the head with what you say in the first paragraph above. For me, I'd just add that she also collects comic books.

 

[Mr. Mann]

OH MAN!

She collects comics! Man, that rocks!

Marvel or DC? Or is she "bi"?

Or does she get into cool underground comics like Crumb, Speigelman, or Clowes? maybe some of the more mainstream, but darker stuff like Alan Moore?

Not to hijack too much, and it has been YEARS since I've been into comics, I had to look this up to remember what it was exactly, BUT..... the origin of Moores' "Watchmen" title...

I hear always the admonishment of my friends:
"Bolt her in, and constrain her!"
But who will watch the watchmen?
The wife arranges accordingly, and begins with them
- Juvenal

Ironic?

 

[Mr. Mann]

Oh yeah... plus there is the whole Wonder Woman thing.

 

[jadefirefly]

Absolutely nothing wrong with standing up and telling your man he's full of shit; just so long as you're not actually going at each other out of anger.

I regularly argue with C. In fact, it's one of the things we like best -- being able to argue with each other, without actually getting angry, and being able to respect each others viewpoints.

And then when all the arguing is done, there's a whole lot of apologizing for arguing and quite a bit of whimpering added in for good measure. He usually wins arguments, in the long run...

Maybe that's why I keep coming up with more.

 

[alice_underneath]

I'm a total newbie here (see post 1). I just had to say that I wish I had the guts to tell my husband what your wife so easily told you. I have to agree with the other ladies who posted here. I wouldn't mind it at all if mine would just take over, even if he did just trim is nose hairs! LOL

Welcome to Lit, OctoberNite.

I would like to help you, but it is difficult for me to do so without having at least a general idea of the type of D/s relationship that you seek with your husband.

For some, the D/s dynamic is a 24/7 thing. For others, it is only applied in the bedroom or "at play". For some, a D/s relationship involves sadomasochism. For others, it does not. Etc.

If you are comfortable providing a general idea of what you seek, it will help me (and others) give suggestions that might help. In the meantime, I would like to share with you a link to an article originally posted by Rosco Rathbone.

http://www.takeninhand.com/node/1018

There are many interesting articles on that website, but this one in particular had an important impact on me. Parts of the article did not ring true, but for me, the fundamental message was invaluable.

The author suggests looking at your husband "as the dominant man you want him to be, and letting that more positive view of him inform all your interactions with him."

She continues....

"And when I say that you should strive to see him as the man you wish he were, I do not mean that he is not that man, I am just using that form of words because that is your perception of him. But actually, as I have said above, the chances are that what you see in him may not be accurate at all. He may well already be the man you wish he were, but you just haven't noticed. Or he may be moving in that direction, but you haven't noticed. Or there may be many things about him that are that man you wish he were, but all you see is the glaring gaps where he is not – or seems not to you.

Interacting with him as though he already is that man will give the two of you the best possible chance to make positive changes. It is the best way to minimise the chance that you will inadvertently prevent him expressing the dominant side of him that may have been hidden for a long time. It is also the best way to open your eyes to the man he already is."

Good luck,
Alice