can or should a Dom/me or Top have a safeword?

[Quint]

Perhaps expanding on the role-playing theme, perhaps going in a slightly different direction:

I'm not always astoundingly intelligent. Sometimes I let my pride or my fear of being a disappointment interfere with my better judgment. So I can conceive of a time (hasn't quite happened yet) when I'm taking a lot more pain than I really can handle, or when I'm terrified and not in a sexy way anymore, and I'm thinking "red red red red" but I don't say it. In such a situation, well, first it IS my fault and I shouldn't be passing the buck to T, but if he notices that I'm sobbing more than I really should be and he feels uncomfortable, he could (and I think should) safeword out for my sake.

I know that this will spark the thought "why not just stop? He's the dominant!" My reply is that it is for MY sake that he explicitly says "red," which even to my potentially-traumatized mind will mean that it is over, period. There have been times when I thought we were through and we could cuddle up together, and it turns out he was simply luring me into a false sense of security to create a bigger sense of shock and fear when he lashes out again. I won't say I'm NEVER at ease around T for this reason, but if I'm already so far gone that I'm desperately wanting to red out, then I need the scene ended in as unambiguous of a way as possible. Hence his safeword.

How's that for a scenario, Mr Blonde?

 

[Netzach]

I'm with lark s, I like plain English.

I have safewords, I recognize them, but I don't think we've used them much. I like them in theory but not in practise. A bottom should have a way to ask a top to slow down or change something, and a way to stop things, if needed, at least with me.

I look at behavior. I look at body language. I can almost always tell when I need to lean in and ask "what needs to change" and then I will get a specific answer.

I will change that how I see fit. Sometimes the expression of dislike is a reason to ramp up the activity, or ramp up the level of the activity with a different focus, sometimes it's a signal that tolerance is beginning to wane and it's time to cool down. Sometimes I'll say "you can take (five) (ten) (x number) more." I never dole out more than promised then, that's a really nasty bait and switch in my book.

If all I hear is "yellow!" I don't know what that means, why, or what about. It's useless. I once got chewed out by someone for slowing down when he coded "yellow" 'cause I was hitting the same spot on his shoulder repeatedly and should have known to move to a different area. (asshole).

That was the end of my reliance on safewords alone, and a lesson in how they are flawed. Obviously, if someone said "red" I'd stop...but I insist on more information in addition. I tend to read people very well, too.

Another flaw in safewording:

I have never used "red" or the "stop word" as a bottom. DAMNED if I would! Absolutely. No matter how many times someone said it's ok, it's normal, it's natural, I still felt enormous resistance to it. I've communicated "no" in other ways, I've communicated it without words, but I was never going to use that stupid word.

I have never played with anyone who used "red" or a stop word. I've had M tell me "you are awfully close to red."

Subs/bottoms don't like to use it. They don't like to feel like they are dictating the action, controlling the scene, chickening out, unable to handle whatever's going on. I think it's good to have, like some emergency pull cord, but I think you have to really watch and listen and pay attention to what's NOT being said more.

 

[Netzach]

To answer the actual question, if I need to stop something because it doesn't feel good to me I'll do and say just that.