Communication is the key

[Eilan]

I wasn't around yesterday, so I just noticed this thread.

I'm getting ready to head to the grocery store. I'll chime in later when I've read things over and had some time to think.

 

[silverwhisper]

MG: i'm glad he's begun therapy. i think that there are few people who would not benefit from it, to be honest.

by "shock him out of his complacency" i mean do something dramatic that illustrates precisely how serious an issue this is. does he grasp that your relationship itself is at stake here?

ed

 

[Eilan]

I've read through the thread and I don't know that I have much to add to what's been said already.

Even though M says he doesn't know how to change his behavior, it sounds like he wants to. The key, of course, is that he has to be the one to change; you can't do it for him. Counseling sounds like a step in the right direction.

I hope both of you are able to sort things out.

 

[FurryFury]

What I'm about to say here does not mean that I don't believe in communication as the key to a healthy relationship. I have had a few long term relationships and in some the communication was okay, while in others is lacked.

In my current relationship with M, communication could not be better most of the time, but I have found there is a downside to that. Because I have come to believe that if you can talk about everything, that you can solve everything.

The thing is.... after we have discussed an issue (sometimes for hours and hours), most of the time we reach some sort of 'agreement'. Or at least it looks as if it's crystal clear what we both think and want and need. We promise each other 'things' and such and then we go back to making the same mistakes again. Why is that?

I probably should tell you all a lot more before you can analyze this for us per se, but I would like you to ask me questions you would need to know to answer. Of course more general statements are welcome too here... it does not have to be all about M and me.

So, please, discuss?

Because people are who they are and bad habits are hard to break? That would be my guess. I HATE things that my husband and I go over and over on. It just seems stupid and pointless. Sometimes we can't change and just have to accept each other as what we are, even if, in this one area the other one doesn't like it. Even if we don't like ourselves.

Fury

 

[warrior queen]

i spent over 12 years in a relationship with a man who had emotional/guilt/depressive issues.
he was intelligent, witty, incredibly funny, at times unbelievably attentive.... all that stuff that made it great *sometimes*.

i am now out of it.
i took far too long to leave, thinking with counselling he might actually be willing to become a partner instead of a co-dependant person.
counselling lasted 7 years, and in all that time nothing changed.

i know the feeling of being 'not there' in the morning...

i'd love to be able to tell you that things will improve for you... unfortunately i can't

i wish you all the best with this journey to equality

 

[M's girl]

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[onlyerics]

Hi, M's Girl. I have been following your thread. All I can say is good luck to you and M. I will keep you in my thoughts.

 

[silverwhisper]

MG: to be honest, the fact that you love him is pretty damned clear, at least to me, b/c if you didn't, you would never have created this thread in the first place. you would have just walked away.

please keep us updated. i have a friend in a similar situation about whom i'm also concerned.

ed

 

[Phaedre]

I have been reading this thread and wondering how best to respond to it. I didn't just want to say 'me too' because no situation is ever the same but I do recognise many similarities in our situations.

I'm not sure I'm ready to go into too many details but I empathise with an awful lot of what you describe. I hope it works out well for you, I really do.

I am giving it one last try myself.

 

[M's girl]

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[Kelmar]

I dunno, personally I'm not sure it's up to you to work out at all. You can help him work it out but if he doesn't work it out then you are still left in the same boat.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm sorry for your pain, you two, and am glad you're both getting the help/support you need to get on the right track.

I can't think of anything to add to the wonderful advice you've been given. The therapy is a good start, and it's probably wise for you to get some too, even on your own, M's girl. It doesn't matter what M's doing, you need support and help dealing with the pain and anger if you want to be happy, healthy and give this relationship a chance at succeeding. I know you want to be at your best so you can support M in his journey toward healing and growth as well, so please find yourself a really good therapist who you can at least check in with along the way, oké?