Concrete Criticism Desired

[Perfideous]

I didn't confuse anything, you just started making assumptions again.

I'd love to leave it at that, but you seem to need the last word. I based my opinion on something I can actually see. You based yours on what, a narrow minded guess? And then you say I took a bold leap?

Please, get real...

I thought I was being real. I would much rather write for women than men.

If you want the last word, wrong as it will undoubtedly go for your life. I won't reply because you just want a fight and I can't be bothered.

Oh, and sorry, what can you 'actually see'? I asked you to share last time. What I want is for you to show actual numbers of female V male readers. And if you can't do that, or rather as you can't do that show the numbers on a members' basis then tell me what proportion of reads comprise female members and explain how you can extrapolate that to the non member readers and come up with females make up most of the readership.

 

[CarolinaPeach]

She's not easy

They [male readers] love seeing the girl turned into a raving nymphomaniac by the male characters skilled manipulations and (physical and oral) but they don't like it if she's easy.

If this is what you like, be on the look out for my next story.

I have taken in all this good feedback and I have reworked Amber's Golden Summer. It will be a 3 part story. It took on a life of its own and is very different, not just in mechanics, although it is still hung on the same basic premise. It is with my editor at the moment and with my editor's comments I will probably work on it some more, and then the long wait for it to be approved and posted. At least it feels like a long wait.

I don't know if it will actually be good, but it will definitely be better.

 

[Derroreaper]

I thought I was being real. I would much rather write for women than men.

If you want the last word, wrong as it will undoubtedly go for your life. I won't reply because you just want a fight and I can't be bothered.

Oh, and sorry, what can you 'actually see'? I asked you to share last time. What I want is for you to show actual numbers of female V male readers. And if you can't do that, or rather as you can't do that show the numbers on a members' basis then tell me what proportion of reads comprise female members and explain how you can extrapolate that to the non member readers and come up with females make up most of the readership.

All I said was I see lots and lots of women on the forum, which I take as a sign a fair amount of women come here. Somehow you've decided I said they make up most of the readership?

You win, I'll stay out of your thread.

 

[Perfideous]

Just one other thing

Carolina I don't see any particular affection from your narrator towards either the man with the hand or The Virgin.

It's as if she's at arms length with them emotionally . Is that intentional?

 

[CarolinaPeach]

Carolina I don't see any particular affection from your narrator towards either the man with the hand or The Virgin.

It's as if she's at arms length with them emotionally . Is that intentional?

No, that was a mistake... Live and learn. Only way to do it.

 

[SecondCircle]

Just read the Mardi Gras story, and I have to say there's not a lot of negative from this story.

Having not read "The Hand" I thought it was wise to include that it was a continuation of said story, and I didn't feel thrown into the mix of this one. You touched on what happened to her and I picked right up.

Sure there could have been more vivid description of the Mardi gras scene, though I admit that I personally didn't need it, but it would have enhanced the story to talk about a few more sights and sounds.

You mentioned she was drinking, and that really helped set the mood. You put Mardi gras and drinking and feeling erotic all together, and it made for a really dreamy and drunk sort of atmosphere. I think it matched up very well.

Parts of it felt kinda rushed, but because of what I said above, it wasn't unjustified. Sure it lacked a bit of character development on the part of the couple she meets, but its a short story and I think that was in tune with the drunken "its Mardi gras and what the hell am I doing" sort of feeling.

There were parts of the sex scene I wanted to see more in depth, like the switch from the girl to the guy. She rides him real quick and that's it. These parts are kind of your meat and potatoes, and I wanted more. It wasn't wrong literarily, just my personal taste.

Overall, this was pretty damn good. Short, hot, wild, and sensual in a dreamy way. You've got the bones for short erotic stories. Just add some meat and facial features and your long stories will be just as good.

 

[SecondCircle]

I thought Accidental Virgin was pretty damned good.

For me, this was just a good quick hot story. I think that so far your talent shines in the meat of your stories, that is, in the sexual portion. I suppose that is how it should be here on Lit. One particular thing that you do well is how you describe the sex scene in the moment. It isn't just a play by play of what's happening, you use every sense and emotion to describe what's going on from the character's POV, which helps put us in her position.

There are a few things that are odd to me. Now I'm now sure if you are narrating this story from your own perspective or an individual character's, but you made references to things on the fly. You would stop and take time to say "I remember I learned this back when" or "this came from my fondness of this". I'm paraphrasing of course. I felt like those little tidbits of info could have been subliminally hidden in your storytelling. Its a bit jarring or distracting to say something like that, for it draws the reader out of the context of what is happening in the now. It ain't wrong to do, but to me it was a bit distracting.

I also am not sure about some of the organization of your more complex sentence structures. I feel like here and there, a conjunction could have been used, or merely a standalone sentence. Again, I'm not sure its wrong the way you put it, and it is unique, but odd to me.

The little twist at the end I should have seen coming. Duh, right? But it was a nice touch, and wrapped the story up nicely. Great job on this one. I have to say I like your writing style or "flavor" if you will.

 

[CarolinaPeach]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I asked for concrete criticism and that is what I got above, but it is super gratifying to hear someone got pleasure from my stories.

There were parts of the sex scene I wanted to see more in depth, like the switch from the girl to the guy. She rides him real quick and that's it. These parts are kind of your meat and potatoes, and I wanted more. It wasn't wrong literarily, just my personal taste.

I am extremely pleased you enjoyed this. I would agree here. I am not sure what I was thinking at the time, but def that part could have used a good deal of expansion.

There are a few things that are odd to me. Now I'm now sure if you are narrating this story from your own perspective or an individual character's, but you made references to things on the fly. You would stop and take time to say "I remember I learned this back when" or "this came from my fondness of this". I'm paraphrasing of course. I felt like those little tidbits of info could have been subliminally hidden in your storytelling. Its a bit jarring or distracting to say something like that, for it draws the reader out of the context of what is happening in the now. It ain't wrong to do, but to me it was a bit distracting.

I am delighted you liked this one too.

I went back and read the story and I see what you are talking about... Obviously i didn't think so at the time, but yes, those bits did sort of stick out and interrupt the flow. And something I need to keep on eye on is run-on sentences, sort of throwing everything together and expecting the reader to sort it out.

I will keep what you have said in mind. Your response was quite helpful.

 

[VanArsedale]

Carolina, I just read Amber's Golden Summer. Overall, I like it, but it feels like something is missing. I can't quite put my finger on it because I don't know what type of story you want it to be.

If you just want it to be a short porn vignette, then you can lose a lot of the frame. Just get to the sex and tell us the details about Cody and Amber's relationship briefly during the sex scene.

On the other hand, if you want this to be the story of the summer that your narrator loses her virginity, then we need a lot more detail. We need to know a lot more about her and about Cody so that there is a reason to care about them.

You tell us upfront that Amber has never kissed anyone. I realize that is something of a cliche in first time stories and that a portion of the audience wants to read that. However, just because it is a cliche doesn't mean that you have to treat it like one. You have an 18-year-old woman who we can assume is attractive and she's never been kissed? Not once? Outside the realm of pornography, that's unusual. It seems like there would need to be a good reason for that. Letting the reader know why she hasn't been kissed would give you a good opportunity to show her character and show how she changes over the summer.

And, that leads to the other issue. You basically have a two scene story. In scene 1, you have a girl who has never been kissed. In scene 2, she's having multiple orgasms. You don't really show the reader how she got from scene 1 to scene 2. You tell the reader briefly in one paragraph. The title promises to tell the story of Amber's summer, but the entire summer is told in a paragraph. Why not write a few scenes showing the reader what happened over the summer? You can use that to develop Amber and Cody's characters, and also to show how they got from scene 1 to scene 2. It will give the readers a reason to care about them.

Anyway, as I said, I like it overall. You do a nice job of writing the scenes so that they can easily be visualized. But, I do think you need to decide what type of story you want to tell.

 

[CarolinaPeach]

VanArsedale

Thank you so much for reading and commenting on my story. Everything you say is spot on. I have a bad tendency to think i am through writing my story when I am not actually anywhere near done. A complete overhaul of Amber's story is pending approval. A lot of the stuff you mentioned occurred to me after I posted it. Which tells me I need to learn to discipline myself, have patience and not be hasty in posting a story.

I am hoping I have addressed what you point out and multiple other things. I am pretty disappointed in my first version which I posted and honestly feel surprised anyone favorited it. It was pretty sloppy.

Live and learn. Although from now on I will try to do more of my learning off stage and not subject Literotica to ALL of my mistakes.

 

[CarolinaPeach]

http://www.literotica.com/s/ambers-awakening-ch-01

This is the first part in a three part re-working of Amber's Golden Summer. I tried to take on board all the feedback I received here and put it to use.

Thank you all for your attention, time and thoughtful comments.