Conflicts: when you feel like two people

[Vulpesvulpes]

Only two? Shit, I'm like 8 or 10 people on a daily basis. The face I put on depends on the situation and I certainly don't feel any need to apologize for that. Neither does it make me feel conflicted. I think it's all about survival. We learn strategies that help us deal with different situations and since no two situations are identical, we have to be able to adapt.

I don't go to scene parties or munches for lots of reasons, the least of which being that I wouldn't know how to act. I am who I am and I like what I like. Does that make me a Dom or a sub? Don't know... don't care. I mostly like to dominate but I also like to recieve enemas and have a girl's fist up my asshole, so what does that make me? If I ask my sub to fuck my ass with a giant strap-on, I am still the Dom, right?

More importantly, can I get a volunteer?

 

[DVS]

First off, I would like to say hello to everyone, and thanks for being out there! Oh, and can someone please tell me why pyl stands for? Sorry, I see it alot and could t figure it out... :/

alrighty, onto the real point of this. I wanted to know if any subs/doms (etc) ever feel like they are conflicting personalities within themselves? In the way of your "public" personality isn't the same as your "private" roles?
Example: in my public life I am assertive, out going woman in the business world. But my private life I am a sub, and find that I find myself conflicted...
I am trying to date, and that I must be sending conflicting signals as well. I recently went to a well known function in my area for BDSM lifestyle folk, my very first one mind you, but when it came to meeting other singles, I was told I wasn't "submissive acting" enough by friends, hence why I wasn't approached by any Masters.
How do you find the balance?
Is there a way to enjoy these roles without having to be "sub" enough all the time?I mean, I enjoy being talkative and confident... But I still want my needs met!

Help!

Most all of the posts here have had good info/advice for you, but it's now 2010 so I'll just put my little bit of info/advice in here, too...just because.

First, you seem to state two different ways in which a person can be two different people when they enjoy a secret sexual life. Neither of these are abnormal personality traits. In fact, I think they are quite normal, partly because of social surroundings and partly because that's just how the human mind works.

What I mean by social surroundings is your friends and family and how you are almost forced to put on a front with many people, when you don't want them to know how you are inside.

I have very close friends who are vanilla and they don't have a clue that I'm into BDSM. My family is the same way. Some people just wouldn't know how to react, if they knew I enjoyed inflicting pain and torment on women. it has nothing to do with their lack of intelligence, but a lot to do with their lack of understanding of BDSM.

But, most people are brought up to never ever hit a woman and if we do, we're seen as bad people. So, if I divulge that I am into that sexually, all hell would break loose and I would be seen in a very different light by those I love and love me. Sure, it could eventually become better, after a long drawn out battle, but it can also end up with a family torn apart.

Personally, I think it's best to keep it private from people who I don't think would understand. So, I feel I'm living a double life, in a way. Sure, I'll talk about sex in a general way with my male friends, but they don't know and wouldn't understand a very large part of what my sexual life involves.

What I meant when I said it's how our human minds work? Not everybody is the same. Just because I'm a Dom on the inside doesn't mean I look or act like a Dom on the outside. The same holds true for submissives.

Sure, there are some men/women who you can look at and talk to and you KNOW they are dominant personalities. The same for submissive personalities. But there are some, if not most, who have a very different life outside of their sexual preference, where they are a totally different person.

Whatever your sexual preference is, it can be totally opposite to what you are on a daily basis. What I mean by that is, you can have a very strong personality in the rest of your life, and still be submissive in sex. Most of the women I've been with have had strong positions in their day job, and home situations. They didn't act at all as if they were submissive sexually.

One was retired from being a strong corporate figure, the only woman on a board of directors. After she retired, she was still a strong person, owning a landscaping business, hiring and firing, directing workers to job sites, etc. and doing strong, manual labor herself. She was very submissive in her sexual life.

I'm not that manly in my out word appearance, if you'd ask me. I am tall, but not demanding or dominant acting. I like to joke around and make people laugh. But sexually, I consider myself very dominant. I don't think some see me that way, if they were trying to evaluate me. And I don't think many who know me on this board would be able to pick me out of a group, if they were to meet me face to face.

I've read that many corporate executives are submissive in their sexual lives. I've also read that many timid personalities can be dominant in their sexual lives. It's almost like a balancing act within the mind. There is no rule that says a personality will be a certain way because of social contact or sexual desire, but that it just sometimes works that way.

It's thought that sometimes there is a need for release from the hassles of the day and so the sexual mind responds that way. I don't think anybody really knows why for sure, because it doesn't always happen that way. Some people who are dominant in their daily lives are still dominant in their sexual lives. And some outwardly submissive people are submissive sexually.

So, when meeting someone in a setting where you know they are either dominant or submissive, I wouldn't always go by outwardly appearance, unless you ask them their preference...just to be sure.

 

[DVS]

Only two? Shit, I'm like 8 or 10 people on a daily basis. The face I put on depends on the situation and I certainly don't feel any need to apologize for that. Neither does it make me feel conflicted. I think it's all about survival. We learn strategies that help us deal with different situations and since no two situations are identical, we have to be able to adapt.

I don't go to scene parties or munches for lots of reasons, the least of which being that I wouldn't know how to act. I am who I am and I like what I like. Does that make me a Dom or a sub? Don't know... don't care. I mostly like to dominate but I also like to recieve enemas and have a girl fist up my asshole, so what does that make me? If I ask my sub to fuck my ass with a giant strap-on, I am still the Dom, right?

More importantly, can I get a volunteer?

I agree completely. Oh, but I'm not a volunteer...sorry.

 

[MisterSir]

I'm certainly two people, but I've never felt like there's a conflict between my vanilla self and my perverted self. It's simply that my perverted self - the dominant, assertive, and thoroughly sadistic side - is quite lazy and my vanilla self - the quiet and rather reserved bit of me who speaks softly and carries a giant pole - deputises. I'm quite content to go with the flow most of the time (read: unless the flow is going in a direction I don't want it to go).

 

[Primalex]

http://www.mulberryhall.co.uk/Images/RoyalCopenhagen/ChristelZodiacFigures/GeminiWhite_13681.jpg​

I'm Gemini, so of course I feel like two people. But their personalities are not divided into a kinky^1 and non-kinky part. It's much more complex.








^1 Yeah, I've heard that "kinky" is the new no-no word. GFY.

 

[Aquila1]

Most of the time I think it is pretty seamless with me - I'm the same person almost all of the time - with a few exceptions I suppose.
Case in point: I went shopping with friends the other day, and while browsing a very cute art supply/stationery store, I came across some bags of very cute miniature wooden clothes pegs/pins (they are about half the size of regular ones). Of course, I automatically snapped up the remaining three packs without thinking - I mean a bargain is a bargain, right?. Plus, I had never seen such cute ones before.

Standing at the counter I realized that my friend was giving me some very strange looks....and then she proceeded to ask me why I needed all three packets. All I could do was mumble something about "oh they are cute and might come in handy for a crafting project."


I will say though, the older gentleman at the counter raised his eyebrows at me in a most interesting way and gave me a truly wicked smile.

 

[Bustymagoo]

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and kind words. I feel more sane (lol) knowing I was understood, and that your right, I should just be myself, and not trust myself to someone who doesn't respect or like my personality aside from sexually.

Oh, and to the post above, ha ha ha... The shopkeep probably wanted your phone number! Lol

 

[where]

I was first introduced to the idea of high and low status behaviors through Keith Johnstone's book, "Impro." It's a book on improvisation for actors that was very popular when I was in college.

He says all human social behavior can be boiled down to status interactions. Here in this forum, the most crude forms are the interactions between D and s. But there are infinite shades and nuances. You can have a D who plays "low status." Or an s who plays "high status." And status shifts constantly from one person to another. We give each other status, or try to take it away.

Johnstone would say that though we all fall into these behaviors rather unconsciously, it is possible to identify specific status markers, (i.e. eye contact, speech patterns, physical postures, and language) that can be consciously manipulated to play different characters on stage.

Obviously a lot of BDSM ritual plays on the same markers.

We talk about "natural dominants" and "submissive natures," that may be innate and/or habitual. But it is possible for anyone to manipulate the status markers. Experiment with your eye contact. Hold someone's gaze long enough for them to break contact. Or, drop your eyes to the ground and then look back. Look at someone indirectly, from the side. Talk to someone without lowering your eyes, but refusing to look at them.

You can also manipulate your speech patterns, your physical posture. Your choice of words.

You'll immediately feel where you are most comfortable. But you can also learn new habits if you want to, too. And it sometimes changes how you feel about yourself.

So, one time when I was mistaken for a domme, I know that I was trying to cover up the fact that I was nervous. My posture was very straight, with my head and chest held high, and my eye contact was direct. And I moved through the room deliberately, as though I knew where I was going. It read "high status." And I was totally dumbstruck when someone approached me because he wanted to kiss my feet.

On the other hand, on my "new slave" night out, I stood rather awkwardly by a wall, with one hand holding one finger of the other hand, and I only peeked at the people around me, without holding anyone's gaze at all. I stood there for a long time, and when men became interested, I could feel them looking at me, so I'd look up and get scared, and drop my eyes, and kind of take an open-mouthed breath. Only unattached doms were interested in playing that night.

These moments were influenced by my emotional state at the time, and weren't consciously manipulated. But I've experimented with it openly at various times in my life, artificially choosing to exhibit one behavior or another. It's very interesting.

ahhh first apologies for missing this when first posted.

That's really interesting and it kind of explains some of my issues I suppose because I find it almost impossible to act 'low status'. which of course kinda makes it interesting although I do seem to tend to attract submissive men rather than doms!

Case in point: I went shopping with friends the other day, and while browsing a very cute art supply/stationery store, I came across some bags of very cute miniature wooden clothes pegs/pins (they are about half the size of regular ones). Of course, I automatically snapped up the remaining three packs without thinking - I mean a bargain is a bargain, right?. Plus, I had never seen such cute ones before.

Standing at the counter I realized that my friend was giving me some very strange looks....and then she proceeded to ask me why I needed all three packets. All I could do was mumble something about "oh they are cute and might come in handy for a crafting project."


I will say though, the older gentleman at the counter raised his eyebrows at me in a most interesting way and gave me a truly wicked smile.

heh.. I was sorting all my paperwork out and came across these diddy spring bull clip type things. my first thought was... 'oooh! nipples!'