Criticism Forum

[karmadog]

waiting for the other shoe to drop

I had intended for the characters to be linked in the readers mind, but I had not thought of the structure of the poem creating space. That was purely accidental, but I see what you mean.

Humble opinion. Hah!

Thanks for your comments, I can hardly wait for the critical part.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: waiting for the other shoe to drop

Left shoe, right slipper

We have a nice juxtaposition, a girl on the road and a boy in his bed, listening to the sea-like humming of the freeway, with its other sounds. Very nice. There r also certain alien accents introduced. The girl feels guilty. The boy at one time became an invalid. It would be better not to have this weight. It's like a partial investment with no conclusion, a waste. U either invest to the end and get poetry out of it or leave it out. The pure juxtaposition has created a delicate scene, the reader is moved, is free to imagine whatever s/he wants to. Instead the text intends to grab the reader's "heart" with an iron fist, saying feel bad about the boy! While the pure scene is poetic, the extras by themselves r not. No situation grants poetry automatically, pity doesn't do it either.

It's not too bad in the poem, the damage was limited. Fortunately we were not told why the girl felt guilty. Did she leave the guy once he became an invalid? Did she caused a car accident which caused the boy's drama? This is not spelled out. Not mentioning these things at all would be still better.

Now I'll turn to the technical moments. Lines 3 & 4 introduce noise of a logical engine (of author's thinking). This is a subtle point because these lines r pretty good. We still want them better. If U only mention that the window is slightly open, and next, but independently-like, that there is white noise, then U get pure reporting, no logic (U may even say that this is a juxtaposition). It's up to the reader to deduce or not that the noise edges thru the window slit. On the other hand if U mentioned that the edge of the window is shaking (vibrating), it would be quite good, pure, objective, cinematographic reporting, no subjectivity, no logical engine noise.

First line of stanza 2 (line 5) is inefficient, apoetic. In poetry it is enough to have the following longer distances: a mile, ten miles, a hundred miles, a thousand miles, ten thousand miles and "miles". Expression "four miles away" is boring, should be saved for accounting -- "miles away" will do instead. In poetry distance and other entities r not measured by numbers but by poetic means. If somewhat precise distance is truly (meaning poetically) important then it is described by its related effects. U can say that people looked like ants or houses like post stamps on a postcard. Or U may describe the sound effects which induce the feeling of the distance. Also "a short drive", "a brisk walk away until U sweat" (or "...warm up"), etc. Such non-numeric descriptions of physical variables have to be integrated with the poem, the induced images have to harmonize with the poem.

In line 6, verb is is typical placebo, it does poetically nothing. Each word, each element of a poem should serve poetry, should carry poetry (I don't mean "prettiness"). Grammar, logic etc are unacceptable excuses for having a word or a punctuation mark, or whatever, in a poem. It is not easy in the case under consideration to write a better phrase than the one in the poem. Poetry is not easy.

Both the girl's guilt and the boy's predicament r thrown at the reader somewhat brutally, without any preparation. Then it's not possible for the reader to feel much.

U start the last stanza with another "explanation" (the first two lines) but all together this is a beautiful stanza anyway, with a great 3-line finish.

The line next to the last in the poem should be the last. This is a very good stanza but it ends on a predictable, hence uninteresting phrase. <i>Highway,/i> should be mentioned first, when not expected yet, and then the reader is kept on her manicured toes to the end. Each little phrase in a poem should add something fresh, juicy, unpredictable.

It is a very good poem, it will be hard to improve it (it is easier to damage a good poem). If necessary, wait patiently, even over years, until lucky ideas/words will strike U. Just keep coming back to it. (In the meantime, it's good that U have posted   New Sneaker Blues   already).

(KD, it didn't hurt, did it )?

Best regards,

 

[daughter]

Sweetwood

Thanks for the detailed critique.

I will save your notes. I appreciate the time you invested in the read.

Peace,

daughter

 

[karmadog]

Thanks, SJ

Regarding the line "A mile and more away.."
I like that line. It continues the alliteration that I (perhaps) overused in this poem, and I like the way the repetitive "mm" sounds echo the sound of the highway. It may be that the phrase is somehow regional in origin. My grandfather used to describe distances that way. "A foot and more" "A days drive and more"

Anyhow, thank you for an indepth critique. I appreciate the time and thought that you put into it. I had been trying to think of ways to fix this poem, but had been stuck. Perhaps I'll find a way now.

Thanks again,
k-dog

 

[daughter]

Holy War: America Trains Her Soldiers On Sunday

We listen intently
We believe.
We hold steadfast to Righteousness
And His love. Our God,
Our Truth and salvation.

We slaughter with conviction.
Only one Way. No way,
no how, can we allow
Another.

We thank Him for His love
And His mercy.
We stand on Righteousness.
Slay solider. Slaughter them.
Our way is the Way.
No way for them.

They look like you.
Bleed like you.
But they are not you.
They do not BELIEVE
like you.

Slaughter them.
No way, no how.
We will not love them.

Hold steadfast to Righteousness
And His love. Our God.
Our Truth And salvation.

Only one way,
our way,
one voice.
Righteousness is our
salvation.

 

[REDWAVE]

Sky Pilot

Good poem, daughter. Reminds me somewhat of Eric Burdon's "Sky Pilot" and Mark Twain's "The War Prayer." It used to be "kill a commie for Christ." Now it's "we'll see your jihad and raise you two crusades." Same con, different "enemy." The real enemy is at home.

Ooops, I'm getting political. Time to head over to the general board.

 

[daughter]

Political

RED--

Say it ain't so. You ain't a rebel, an activist. Lawd help us. LOL

Oh the replies I've gotten. Like most, I'll put in the revision folder. I tend to take my time tweaking.

Thanks for commenting.

Peace,

zawadi

p.s. Love your analogy, "Now it's "we'll see your jihad and raise you two crusades!"

 

[REDWAVE]

"With God on Our Side"

Also reminiscent of Bob Dylan's "With God on Our Side":

O, the history books tell it
They tell it so well
The cavalry charged, the Indians fell
The cavalry charged, the Indians died
For the country was young then, with God on its side . . .

The Second World War, boys, it came to an end
We fought the Germans, and now they're our friends
Though they murdered six million, in the ovens they fried
The Germans now too have God on their side . . .

 

[Nomadic Lady]

Would not mind some input on my work. http://geocities.com/nomadicxxlady/ ......oh no can I handle this....yes I can...yes I can...yes I can....okay, think I convinced myself. Lay it on me.