Cuckold and the cheating wife

[culloden]

Something here doesn't make sense. I understand you find it erotic that your wife likes to fuck another guy. That's a pretty common get-off. But the reality seems to bother you, which is also normal enough. In fact, many would say it's the only normal reaction.

In one of your posts, you expressed a fear that your wife would leave you if you wanted to put an end to this, which suggests some insecurity on your part. The question in my mind is whether you're letting the fear of your wife leaving you drive your acceptance of her adultery. Do you love her so much that you don't want to lose what's left of this relationship? Or are you worried that you wouldn't be able to move on?

My sense is that it's the latter, but hey, I don't know you and I could be wrong. But if it is fear of moving on that's keeping you in a situation you obviously have mixed feelings about, maybe it's time to confront the fear. There's an old saying about indecision leaving a ragged wound, and decision leaving a clean scar.

 

[mattastic100]

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[OnceFuturePoly]

You're (probably) dead.

To elaborate, she doesn't seem to want to cum from me. She gets it from him just about every week, cumming more than once, i gather. When we do it, she is fine with just a servicing. (that's why i use that word, because it isn't so mutual). Kind of more embarassing that way too, which i have mixed feelings about.

Sub-consciously you've gotten the message. Now you're figuring out how to accept / deal with it.

Reconsider your decision not to divorce.

1. Can you live / do you want to live with this until the kids are out?

2. Can she fall in love with you again?

3. Has she become a user, keeping you just for her support?

4. Would she totally refocus on you / the relationship in order to keep the friendship / home you have established?

5. If she refocused to just keep her life situation, how long would it last?

6. How would you know the motivations behind her choices?


PS: My experience is to get out sooner than latter. Hanging on for the kids doesn't make much difference in the total amount of suffering.

 

[ramonedarkstone]

It's more than her just using the relationship for the support. Yes, i have a stable job and she appreciates that, but it's not as if I'm getting nothing out of the arrangement. It's not just about the kids either. Can she fall in love with me again? I think so, yes. Maybe that will be 5, 10 years from now, but won't most marriages worth keeping, last at least that amount of turmoil?

And like i say, it's not as if I'm not getting anything out of it. Lots of guys I'm sure would love an arrangement like this, with all of the benefits going on, and my wife still able to get off on her own. I mean, we're fucking regularly now. She does it out of "obligation" but since when have guys really cared why? How many other cultures operate that way by default?

If she really was not vested in this at all, she wouldn't be making efforts to keep me satisfied that way. Yes, I would be afraid of her leaving, or going behind my back, or just plain resenting me if I tried to put my foot down, so I haven't so far. Maybe I have even begun liking her doing this. I don't know what that means for the future, but things are changing all the time.

 

[indyguy78]

I wouldn't put up with that situation I know some like it I would have booted her out. Good way to end up with an STD to boot.

 

[ramonedarkstone]

She's taken precautions regarding e stds. He's clean, and she wouldn't be doing him bareback if he wasn't. It took her 3 months before fucking him like that, so i know she believes he's safe by now, and she was forthright enough to tell me to keep me informed.

 

[culloden]

It's more than her just using the relationship for the support. Yes, i have a stable job and she appreciates that, but it's not as if I'm getting nothing out of the arrangement. It's not just about the kids either. Can she fall in love with me again? I think so, yes. Maybe that will be 5, 10 years from now, but won't most marriages worth keeping, last at least that amount of turmoil?

And like i say, it's not as if I'm not getting anything out of it. Lots of guys I'm sure would love an arrangement like this, with all of the benefits going on, and my wife still able to get off on her own. I mean, we're fucking regularly now. She does it out of "obligation" but since when have guys really cared why? How many other cultures operate that way by default?

If she really was not vested in this at all, she wouldn't be making efforts to keep me satisfied that way. Yes, I would be afraid of her leaving, or going behind my back, or just plain resenting me if I tried to put my foot down, so I haven't so far. Maybe I have even begun liking her doing this. I don't know what that means for the future, but things are changing all the time.

It's not what "lots of guys" would love, but what you would love that matters. And it doesn't sound to me like you love this situation. Do you really want to be with someone who admittedly doesn't love you?

I don't think you'd be asking a bunch of strangers on the Internet if this didn't really bother you. I'm stepping out on a limb here, not knowing you. However, I think you know all this on one level, but you don't have the confidence to face the consequences of dealing with it.

 

[papadoc19]

It's more than her just using the relationship for the support. Yes, i have a stable job and she appreciates that, but it's not as if I'm getting nothing out of the arrangement. It's not just about the kids either. Can she fall in love with me again? I think so, yes. Maybe that will be 5, 10 years from now, but won't most marriages worth keeping, last at least that amount of turmoil?

And like i say, it's not as if I'm not getting anything out of it. Lots of guys I'm sure would love an arrangement like this, with all of the benefits going on, and my wife still able to get off on her own. I mean, we're fucking regularly now. She does it out of "obligation" but since when have guys really cared why? How many other cultures operate that way by default?

If she really was not vested in this at all, she wouldn't be making efforts to keep me satisfied that way. Yes, I would be afraid of her leaving, or going behind my back, or just plain resenting me if I tried to put my foot down, so I haven't so far. Maybe I have even begun liking her doing this. I don't know what that means for the future, but things are changing all the time.

I think the fact that you have come here seeking advice on how to handle the situation shows that you have major issues with the state of your relationship. Honestly, I think your wife is being incredibly selfish...she seems to not want you but is unwilling to let you go and find someone who truly wants you and views you as more than obligation (hence her getting you off though not really being into it (or even attempting to pretend to be into it). If you wanted advice from me I would say break free and leave the relationship. Her actions have shown that while she is comfortable with you she doesn't really love and respect you as a husband or a man. You are obviously hurt by the situation and no longer you refuse to stand up for yourself really the more it will continue to hurt.

 

[Jsato55]

Your issue is both strange but familiar to me... my first wife and I were each others first lovers, but in our later high school years, our relationship on and off and I became much more experienced with others. We married when we were in our early 20s, although I was her only BF. Things were fine early on, but as she started her career, she seemed to “come into herself” and started attracting men that she worked with. It started innocently enough, with rides to and back home which was fine as we only had one car. But soon she was working late, or having a drink with the gang after work and I became a little curious about it. Looking back on it, I think then that I knew, but I also think I let it happen. The idea that the other men found her attractive (which she was) was somehow exciting to me, but at the same time I felt jealous and angry about it. It was confusing and yet somehow intoxicating.

She was also feeling the excitement of all the attention she was getting.... but at that time, although I had my suspicions, she never would admit any thing was happening and the explanations all seemed to fit. But what was more troubling to me was that there seemed to be a part of me that secretly wanted her to be doing it... wanting her to do it. I couldn't reconcile that in my small pea sized brain.

We moved and things seemed to smooth out for a while, until she got a teaching job at a local elementary school. There, she met the Principle who was known for his after school curriculum. She used to come home and let me know how wonderful this guy was and it was apparent that she was attracted to him. He was an older man, very accomplished and good looking. For some reason, I found myself asking her questions about him, how she felt about him and finally asking her if she was attracted to him. I found myself excited by it and then actually encouraging her to go for it. But I still felt conflicted.

I loved the fact about how sexual she had seemed to become... how open, adventurous, and desirous she seemed. That really turned me on and when we would make love, I would bang her hard. What I didn't like was that she was doing someone else and somehow that just seemed wrong. But that trade off for that, was the transformation of this woman into a truly erotic being and that was hot, hot, hot!

Anyway, to make a long story a little shorter, I loved my wife and still do. I think we married young and were, at the time our “best friends”. A part of me was very hurt and jealous during all of this and a part of me was very happy that she had a chance to have experiences in her life as well. Through this all, I never stopped caring for her or started to disrespect her as a person. I think we all have our “own” lives and that we sometimes travel down the road of life with a person or two for while or maybe for the whole trip until the end. I understand now that I can love someone with all of their faults and that she wasn't “doing anything to me”, but rather she was doing something for herself. I could either accept that or drive myself nuts. I think some people are willing to risk things in order live their lives the way they want. Your wife is obviously one of them. If you respect that, then either you accept it the way it is or move on. To stay and not fully accept it, is to prolong your conflict – unless it works for you in a way that you both can respect each other fully. If she is not happily fucking you and you have to coerce her into doing it, then she is not fully respecting you or the arrangement. That's just my opinion. There are people with open marriages that can fully accept it and respect each other behaviors.

Anyway, do what's right for you and good luck with it all...


Kaz

 

[Jsato55]

*****

 

[njlauren]

I think I agree with Culloden,the OP is obviously torn and to me the wife is playing a nasty game. She basically for whatever reasons thinks she has fallen out of love with the husband and has a boyfriend she has regular sex with and with hubby she basically is giving him a mercy fuck out of obligation or whatever. Maybe it is me, but having sex with someone I am in a relationship with that is a mercy fuck would be like having sex with a prostitute, it takes away the meaning. It isn't even like having sex with a fuck buddy, because there it is mutual.

Basically what the wife is doing is having her cake and eating it too. She can be the bon vivant, out there having fun without any of the consequences, she has the safety of a home to go to, a marriage that makes her look at that conventional to friends and family, she has her kids there, it is all neat with a guy who is willing to deal with it. It reminds me of what gay and lesbians often used to do, they would get married to maintain the illusion of being straight, but in that case they both are getting something out of it. Sure she doesn't fight with her husband, she probably believes he won't do anything, that he will go along with this and so forth. I just don't see the mutuality here, what I see is a woman who basically either isn't attracted to her husband any more, who lives with him as husband and wife simply to maintain the air of respectability, and quite honestly I doubt she even loves him any more, I suspect her BF is now her emotional center as well.....

I may seem harsh, but quite honestly I can't see anything else here, it is a marriage of convenience that really only benefits her. It found some of the writing a little ironic, where the wife doesn't really talk about what she is doing, not 'throwing it in his face', yet in a sense, she is doing just that because she is taking from the relationship and not really giving much back to him; mercy fucks are not lovemaking between mates and what this reminds me of is an old expression my therapist used to use when describing one sided relationships, it is like playing tennis by yourself.

For the OP I am not judging you (your wife on the other hand I think quite honestly is a stone hearted, cold bitch, truly, she might not be mean to you with words, but she is by actions, she basically is using you, you probably are a decent guy who really still loves her, she knows that, and is using you) and I really wish the best for you. I think you are only fooling yourself if you think she eventually will fall back in love and so forth; maybe in 10 years time, when she has gotten older and the men are no longer drooling after her as much, she might realize she doesn't have the hold on other men she does now, and might sort of come back to being a spouse, but do you really want that, to be once again nothing more then the safety net she knows she can come back to?

My advice would be to confront her with what she is doing and force her to make a decision. After reading the posts I can't even see you getting that much of a thrill out of the cuckold fetish thing, it sounds like you are conflicted and not happy with the situation, and why stay in it? Among other things, I can't see the kids not being affected by this, kids sense a lot more then you think, they read what is going on, despite all the smiles or saying that mom and dad are okay, and they are going to realize something is up, whether it is that mom is away a lot or the emotional distance I can read in your descriptions. You don't have to fight for kids to sense tension and it isn't good for them, it will be much worse to stay together then to split up in that case. If your wife won't try to work with you, if she insists this is the life she wants, please don't let her use you as I think she is, because you are going to pay the price as are the kids.

Obviously I am doing this from reading posts but I just can't see this being a healthy situation for you and your kids. I could almost see a wife having sex with other men for fun and having her primary relationship with her hubby, but I don't see that, I see her having a marriage that is convenient and safe and her primary being outside at this point. Maybe if you talk to her, tell her you aren't happy, maybe it will wake her up to what she is doing (I find it interesting that she is on the pill and doing the guy bareback; does that mean she always made you use a condom? What does that say about her?) and she might realize she still loves you enough to want to try and make it work. Someone else posted on here that at least you are getting sex but do you really just want the physical act of getting off like that or do you want intimacy where you are making love, not being thrown a mercy fuck....

My big recommendation might be to get counseling, to see what you want to do. Quite honestly post by people on here, including myself, might be well meaning, but we can't really decide what you should do. A therapist can help you make those decisions and decide what you want, they aren't there to judge you or your wife, only help you find what you need. Maybe you are happy with the way things are and counseling can help you find that, but maybe it can help you see what is going on and make a decision in another way. In the end that is your decision, and whether you want to be the cuck husband who loves his wife enough to want her to have freedom yet be married, or whether you decide enough is enough, you need to be happy with the decision.

 

[PhaonsBrother]

OP, I have a feeling you might just be telling stories to get off, not that I care if you are or not. My wife loved to fuck me, drink and smoke with her girls then just fuck me all night before she got pregnant. I knew she fucked a few dozen guys before me and it didn't bother me that much because I was getting a loyal girl who really liked dick.

During her first pregnancy it became difficult for her to orgasm and she's never been a fan of cunnilingus(which makes my job more difficult) so I came and she didn't and it continued when we started having sex again after the kid. So now she basically only fucks out of marital duty and I'm trying everything I can think of to make her orgasm. She's basically only came a handful of times in the past year plus.

I seriously want to fuck her and make her come hard like we used to but it's most likely mechanics and part psychological which I can't do much about. I'd let her fuck some random if it brought back her past love of all night dicking. So, what's this rambling anecdote have to do with this thread? Maybe nothing, but if you aren't getting better pussy from her at home after she's getting it from other dudes you need to drop her cuz she's a greedy leech who's probably using you for her financial support and/or to take care of the kids.

PS. My advice: Treat your wife like a bitch in bed and maybe she'll respond better. You're strapped by the lovemaking missionary junk and she's turned on by kink. Lick her asshole out of the blue and if she acts like it's so gross, even better.

 

[Typo Fu Master]

I'm probably too late to the "party" but I've been wondering some things after reading this thread.

Basically she was determined to look outside the marriage for sexual fun. She was no longer attracted to me and she had already made the decision.

This is the entire reason for this thread (it seems) and yet the details of this have been completely overlooked.

WHY was she no longer attracted? Has she given a specific reason? Do you engage in vanilla sex? Same routine? No toys? Predictable? Have you let yourself go in some fashion?

Have you made any attempt to discuss this with her other than just accepting her decision? Is it YOU or something she wants that you're not doing or aren't interested in?

She seems to have a steady BF so this guy is apparently giving her whatever it was she felt was lacking in the sex between you two.

 

[littlemissy05]

Why don't you sit down an think about what it is exectly you want for yourself, your marriage etc, you cant make plans untill you know what you want. But do keep in mind that just as your wife's needs are important so are your's and if you want to work at your marriage it will take both of you, if not your flogging a dead horse.

If as you say she's in a relationship with this other chap then its logical to think that one of two things will happen 1 he's in it for a good time an will ditch her when he's bored r meets someone else,2 or she will eventully want to move on with him...so ask yourself if you are prepaired to be there to comfort her when he's gone knowing she will most likely just need you till the next one comes along, or will you be upset if she tells you she's leaving you for him?

There are children involved and you can bet they know alot more about whats going on then you or your wife think they do...so start to take control of the situation an move forward...dont get stuck in a rut and let all the decisions be made for you...

Just one more word of advice, there is a whole world of people out there an you will meet someone wonderful in time who will respect you an show you what it is to be treated as an equal and will enjoy all aspects of a loving relationship with you.
All the best...