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D/s Humour

No, she's not submissive at all

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He picks the alligator up and puts it on the bar. He then turns to face the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you all a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one full minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a $5.00 drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator then closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was being delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

An attractive blonde woman timidly spoke up. . .

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
 
Sex & Diamonds said:
she was tired of being in the closet.. Had to let her out.
Click to expand...
Careful, or i might forget my calm demeanor.

*tosses her a bag of Almond Joys and glides away*
 
:D :D :D



The Top 10 Most Commonly Found Doms On The Net
Author Unknown

The 'I Am Dom Hear Me Roar' Dom:
All shiny new leather wear, with a belt full of toys just bought at Jack's Whip-O-Rama). Of *course* he knows what to do! He read SM101...and even watched Exit To Eden three whole times!

The 'I Just Wanna Get Laid' Dom:
Roams the halls of AOL sending IMs to the ladies in the Chateaux telling them "On your knees! I am a Dom and U R my slave!". When he gets irate IMs back from the Domme he just sent to by mistake (what, read a profile? you *must* be kidding, right?), he quickly changes his tune to "R U a FDom? I am your slave! May I lick your boots?".

The 'Dungeon Slut' Dom:
Has a new 'lady love' each day (sometimes 2 or 3 a day). He swears each time that *this* one is his 'eternal true love'....at least for the next two hours.

The 'Psycho-Stalker' Dom:
Wants to know *exactly* what you do...every minute of he day and night. Insists on BCCs of all sent mail, and Forwards of all read mail, plus access to your account to check up on you. Do you get the feeling that someone is watching you? With this one, you're probably right.

The 'I Just Wanna Be Your *Friend*' Dom:
Offers to guide you and protect you....you innocent sweet thing you. Oh, those other 10 subs? Just friends. Really.

The 'Of Course Im Dom...Uh Oh My Wife Is Home Gotta Run' Dom:
Warning signs: Picks 'no response' on marital status in profile. "No honey you can't call me at home...call my voice mail instead". Often disappears in the middle of a hot n heavy cyber session...uses an excuse like 'my power went out' when asked about it. "Of *course* Im not married!"

The 'Im Not *That* Type Of Dom' Dom:
Squeaky-clean image. The type of Dom that everyone *knows* is a good guy. He would never do something less than up-front and honorable. Uh-huh.

The 'Tom Cruise' Dom:
He's young, rich, handsome and perfect....until you meet him in person. Then you find out that the 'Tom Cruise look-alike' you've been subbing to is 5'4", 400 lbs, bald, 48 years old, and living with his elderly mother. (Oh yeah... and he works as a clerk at 7-11...not as a CEO of a 'major corp').

The 'Alex I'd Like to Buy a Clue For $200' Dom:
Ok, now you've got a sub....now what?

The 'I Don't Have A Sub Bone In My Body' Dom:
Really a bottom at heart, just refuses to admit it...even to himself.


And just in case you submissives out there thought you were off the hook....

Top 7 Subs

POOR-ME SUB:
This "sub" always has something going wrong in her life. Of course, it is never her fault.. she is always being played upon and victimized by others. If only she found the *perfect* dom, her life would be problem-free and forever-blissful.
Favorite IM to send: "Will you be my dom, sir? I am just a helpless little subbie."
Favorite IM to receive: "Just do what I say, slave!"

JUST-DO-ME SUB:
This "sub" just wants to be beaten. It doesn't really matter by who, or what..as long as he (I use "he" here because these are typically male) can feel the lash. Frequently misbehaving on purpose, this sub can drive a dom *crazy*.
Favorite IM to send: "I have been naughty and need to be punished. Spank me now, Mistress!"
Favortie IM to receive: "You are a bad sub and need to be punished! Bendover!"

BARBIE-SUB:
This "sub" just likes the way she looks in leather fashions. She is afraid of the whip, and has never seen a clamp in her life. Her favorite store is "Dream Dresser", and her whole paycheck is spent there each week.
Favorite IM to send: "Would you like to know what I am wearing, sir?"
Favorite IM to receive: "What are you wearing?"

HE-HURT-ME SUB:
This "sub", without any negotiations, talk of limits or safewords, rushes out to a country cabin to to play with a dom she met 2 days ago online. After letting him tie her up and whip her, she decides he is a menace to society, and can't wait to tell all her "sub" friends he is a "BAD dom".
Favorite IM to send: "Subsis, I need to pass on a warning to you!"
Favorite IM to receive: "My poor subsis, you have got to warn everyone about this creep!"

I-JUST-NEED-A-MAN SUB:
This "sub", after exhausting all her singles bar and healthclub meting places, decides that the D/s world would be a good place to meet a *man*. she really has no interest in D/s, she just needs someone to spend the rest of her life with. She is a close relative of POOR-ME SUB. Amazingly, when she "gets her dom", she suddenly looses interest in any type of sex.
Favorite IM to send: "Sir, will you take care of me forever?"
Favorite IM to receive: "I have always dreamed of having a large family."

NO-ONE-CAN-TOP-ME SUB:
This "sub" longs to submit, yet claims no dom is strong enough to top her. Some say she is really just a domme in disguise.
Favorite IM to send: "Think you are strong enough to put me in my place,jerk?"
Favorite IM to receive: "No, Mistress, I am really just a weak and helpless slave. ::falling to the floor and kissing your boots::

SUBMISSION IS THE GREATEST GIFT Submissive:
This submissive has stars in her eyes and naivity in her heart. She swoons at the mere thought of a dom, any dom, asking her to pass the salt. She writes her dom's name in the corner of her notebook with little hearts and flowers around it. She declares that there is no better way to love than through submission, and that d/s is a "better" and "higher" manner of loving than anything a silly old vanilla person might do. She lives on an emotional roller-coaster, sentimental enough to cry when seeing a long-distance phone company commercial.
Favorite IM to send: "You are all of life to me, there is nothing about life worthwhile without you."
Favorite IM to receive: "I am everything you'll ever want or need, and I'll protect you from everything."
 
waiting.jpg
 
Sex & Diamonds said:

The 'I Am Dom Hear Me Roar' Dom:
The 'I Just Wanna Get Laid' Dom:
The 'Dungeon Slut' Dom:
The 'Psycho-Stalker' Dom:

The 'I Just Wanna Be Your *Friend*' Dom:
Offers to guide you and protect you....you innocent sweet thing you. Oh, those other 10 subs? Just friends. Really.

The 'Of Course Im Dom...Uh Oh My Wife Is Home Gotta Run' Dom:
Warning signs: Picks 'no response' on marital status in profile. "No honey you can't call me at home...call my voice mail instead". Often disappears in the middle of a hot n heavy cyber session...uses an excuse like 'my power went out' when asked about it. "Of *course* Im not married!"

The 'Im Not *That* Type Of Dom' Dom:

The 'Tom Cruise' Dom:
He's young, rich, handsome and perfect....until you meet him in person. Then you find out that the 'Tom Cruise look-alike' you've been subbing to is 5'4", 400 lbs, bald, 48 years old, and living with his elderly mother. (Oh yeah... and he works as a clerk at 7-11...not as a CEO of a 'major corp').

The 'Alex I'd Like to Buy a Clue For $200' Dom:
The 'I Don't Have A Sub Bone In My Body' Dom:

And just in case you submissives out there thought you were off the hook....


POOR-ME SUB:
JUST-DO-ME SUB:
BARBIE-SUB: HE-HURT-ME SUB:
I-JUST-NEED-A-MAN SUB:
NO-ONE-CAN-TOP-ME SUB:

SUBMISSION IS THE GREATEST GIFT Submissive:
This submissive has stars in her eyes and naivity in her heart. She swoons at the mere thought of a dom, any dom, asking her to pass the salt. She writes her dom's name in the corner of her notebook with little hearts and flowers around it. She declares that there is no better way to love than through submission, and that d/s is a "better" and "higher" manner of loving than anything a silly old vanilla person might do. She lives on an emotional roller-coaster, sentimental enough to cry when seeing a long-distance phone company commercial.
Favorite IM to send: "You are all of life to me, there is nothing about life worthwhile without you."
Favorite IM to receive: "I am everything you'll ever want or need, and I'll protect you from everything."
Click to expand...

Oh Sex... *grins* Thanks.
 
Last edited:
Sex & Diamonds said:
*winks* Anytime Cleo *hugggssss*
Click to expand...
and why didn't you "rethread" the link for the difference between a Dominant's orgasm and that of a submissive?

That one still makes me smile most of all.
 
AngelicAssassin said:
and why didn't you "rethread" the link for the difference between a Dominant's orgasm and that of a submissive?

That one still makes me smile most of all.
Click to expand...

Oh yes... link me Sex....

;)

(I still miss screaming out your name - the new one just isn't as much fun.) :kiss:
 
AngelicAssassin said:
and why didn't you "rethread" the link for the difference between a Dominant's orgasm and that of a submissive?

That one still makes me smile most of all.
Click to expand...


:confused:
 
Cleo32 said:
Oh yes... link me Sex....

;)

(I still miss screaming out your name - the new one just isn't as much fun.) :kiss:
Click to expand...



well lil miss, you are going to have to wait. at least until i have a clue what i'm linking....;)
 
i give up

... this is the closest thread i could find without hijacking, or pissing gasoline on the fire. i enjoyed it, in a black humor kinda way, but then all of you know what kind of sadistic male chauvenistic pig i really am. Thanks to Kajirra for her link to the site where i found this post.

~ Dim Dom/mes, Clearly Clueless and "helpless subbies" ~
by CC Copyright © 2003

I have often heard submissives say …"I'm new to the lifestyle. I was drawn to it because of the structure, protocols as well as my desire to "serve". But … (and then it begins) I'm at a loss as how to deal with various questions that come up from both people I "know" who claim to be "experienced" in the lifestyle as well as those who are clearly clueless. How do I deal with them without being rude or acting "unsubmissive"?"

Well, well, well… I'm going to say some things here that I am fairly certain that will tick off a few people, especially the so called "experienced" (as opposed to those that actually are), as well as those who are clearly clueless. After I've gotten off my soapbox I'll share a few ways to deal with those two groups of individuals that generally work rather well. Please feel free to copy and paste or rearrange them so they work for you.

First of all I would like to address the concept that a submissive has to act in any preconceived "submissive" manner to someone, other than their dominant(unless of course one's dominant says to do so) or that Dim Dom/mes are "worthy" of one's consideration other than a cursory polite greeting if they do not recognize politeness and manners as a two-way street. I strongly suspect with the concept that submissives must be submissive to any and all at all times has been perpetuated by the aforementioned Dim Dom/mes and "clearly clueless".

IF in the "real world" someone that you did not respect or care about asked you to do something you didn't wish to do or asked you questions that you considered inappropriate or made you uncomfortable how would you respond? Would you do what was asked or respond to the question and continue the conversation? I would hope not!!! Many seem to treat the Internet as a shield to ask and expect responses to things they wouldn't dream of requesting if they were face to face? Why? If they were to do request these things or ask these questions in the "real world" it would mean exposing themselves to real time scrutiny and have others become aware of the mannerless uncouth bores that they really are. Conversely, if one accepts these inappropriate invasions without stopping them, one has consented to them by default. This only feeds and encourages the Dim Dom/mes and the clearly clueless … so if you accept this behavior you have to understand that it perpetuates itself and expect more of the same. Using generalities, the reason that many are "in the lifestyle" is their perception that "lifestyle" equals access to those that may feed their hunger for "safe" kinky, erotic sex or power that often escapes them in their real life. So do you really want to go there with them? If you do then there isn't a problem. If you don't wish to go there then all you have to do is show them your "sign".

I can hear the wheels turning now. My sign? Have you ever heard the country song, "Here's Your Sign"? With a few alterations you too can have a supply of "signs" just waiting and ready the next time you are invaded by those claiming rather than exhibiting the best the lifestyle has to offer or share with the clearly clueless.

Here's Your Sign (Get The Picture)
(The fractured version )

I just hate stupid people.

They should have to wear signs that just say I'm a Dim Dom or clearly clueless and or "helpless subbie." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.

It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like when my sub and I "moved," on-line personal website and all. The site told about our kinky, but monogamous lifestyle. So, this Dim Dom comes over and says, "Hey, are you two kinky?"

"Nope. We just like the look of leather, and getting questions from guys like you."

"Here's your sign."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the modern Internet Dim Dom or clearly clueless and /or "helpless subbie". So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds ... Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

A couple of months ago I went to a dungeon and as we pulled
into the parking lot and we got out with my sub in tow leash and all I glanced at the idiot coming my way that says, "Hey, did you catch that one?

"Nope, talked her into giving up."

"Here's your sign."

Why can't they get the picture? Why don't they understand?
We're not dealing with the planet of apes, we're talking about the modern Internet Dim Dom or clearly clueless and /or "helpless subbie". So you people with them itsy bitsy teensie weensie tiny minds ... Here's your sign. Here's your sign.

I was watching one of those on-line chatrooms and there was a guy telling about taking his sub to a dungeon. He told of holding a brand new whip reading whip instructions 101. He said there's only one way to learn to use that and that is practice. "Alright subbie darlin, you got great naked behind and ohhh it looks so good... step right up and let me practice on you, and you tell me if it hurts when the cuts into your skin and I accidentally take out your eye." She smiles and steps right up and excitedly says "Yes, "Master"! Thinking …hey he has a whip he MUST be a Dom!!!

See ... if I'd been there and they'd been wearing their signs, I could have stopped them!!!

Craft Project! (you too can make these at home)

Signs you can make (or lines you can use when approached by a Dim Dom/me, the clearly clueless or "helpless subbie"

DISCLAIMER: FINE PRINT
For an e:file of these signs Send $2.95 + 25.95 shipping and handling to:
OMG you're kidding
PO Box
Clueless,
USA

…..or call 1-800- Iam-dumb and we'll take your credit card information over the phone for an extra $15 convenience fee.

We are not responsible for your usage in any way, shape or form.
 
It's the pic of the sign that made me laugh for 10 min.

I think it's bedtime.
 
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