"Dare Greatly" - Emotional risk-taking

[EmpressFi]

I don't think, necessarily, that being emotionally unavailable is always a bad thing. Don't we all have that friend who jumps into one relationship after another, convinced that this one is The One? Each time, the relationships don't work out, usually because these people too clingy and too needy for someone else to fix everything. They wear their hearts on their sleeves and will fall in love over and over and over, hoping that this time, it'll really work out, and never take the time to look at themselves and figure out what it is they really need. They look for happiness in other people, and they're never going to find it because happiness is something you can only find/make/have for yourself.

In my own experience with myself, my friends, and what little bit I did as a practicum while I was finishing up my bachelor's, I've found what 00Syd says to be true.



I want to say more, but I'm unsure at the moment about how to say it and if it even applies to the discussion or not.

I was going to post on similar lines to this.. what about the person who is TOO available.

What was it about my formative years that made it so I feel so many things at once. I am an empath ~ and growing up I was the one in love with "The One" all the time and always getting hurt when the relationship ended badly. Each time, I'd tell myself that I'd never let anyone in again, that I couldnt handle the pain. Many times I've moaned to Malin in frustration because I could ease someone else's pain.

When reading the conversation between Shank and Homburg, I couldnt help but think of my friend. She's afraid to let her ex-husband have sole custody of their 4 year old son because her ex is so controlled in his emotions that he's pretty much catatonic. With him, the loss of his mother as a child made it safer to just not express emotion again ~ no one in his family does and my friend is afraid of what will happen if her son no longer has the outside influences of emotions.. especially for silliness. I also thought of my Master. Due to circumstances in his life, he cut himself off emotionally. Even when he met me, he never intended to allow an emotional attachment.

But, emotional damage is relative. What may be heart-breaking for you (general term) may not have any effect on someone else. Also, I think the number of hurts may help with that. Each loss I've had ~ my parents, my child, my sisters, each one gives another frame of reference for new pains experienced. It's my choice if I want to put myself out there and embrace emotions or shut myself off.

I tried shutting myself off. I succeeded for three days. Then I stepped off the plane and saw my brothers' pain and knew they needed me. I had to make myself emotionally available to them to comfort them...

I just know that I'd rather risk loving and being loved than not...

 

[Netzach]

Some of us aren't emotional in the same ways as other people or as highly emotional, too. Cutoff has nothing to do with it, we just go about other ways of dealing with the world.

My therapist has to really nag me to use the F word. I'm about how I *think* about things.

 

[cherokee_dove]

True that. This idea lends itself to the thought that everyone is damaged though. If so, would emotional availability be the base line? Would it not be something to work towards, and thus not somehow a failing if it is not present?



So many emotional quandaries boil down to that question indeed.

Using my past post in this thread as lead in...emotional unavailability can come from one just wanting and needing the time to heal the emotions they, themselves are feeling.

So the wall goes up, and we become emotionally unavailable for that time period of healing.

But then, the wall will start to come down once the person has dealt with the feelings; and they could become "emotionally available"; but do to say..."small town mindset" (where everybody knows everybody, and their business) they are feeling like it is a major risk; instead of a small one, to take the first steps to becoming "socially available".

Lets face it, anyones group of friends are going to know at some point some of what has gone on.

And the person may not want to keep having to tell the others, "Don't worry about it, i am past it; honestly". It does get to be aggravating when friends seem to build up walls for you that you didnt want built up.

So social availability plays a big part in whether one is emotionally available also. Because the emotions get pissed from having to deal with the friends. IMO anyhow.

 

[00Syd]

I'm not arguing with you, your post kind of just inspired the thought in response to Syd's. I tend to be very on edge when people talk optimistically about somehow giving socratic birth to someone else's emotions, doing them the favor of unlocking them. I think we both probably agree that this is the work a person does or doesn't for themselves.

I don't disagree with you. Whenever someone opens up emotionally in new ways of course they are going to be the person who did the work. But I do think that sometimes some people need (or want, I don't want to say need because I'm sure someone will say "well, nobody NEEDS anything") a little nudging in the right direction.

 

[BiBunny]

I don't disagree with you. Whenever someone opens up emotionally in new ways of course they are going to be the person who did the work. But I do think that sometimes some people need (or want, I don't want to say need because I'm sure someone will say "well, nobody NEEDS anything") a little nudging in the right direction.

I think "reassurance" is the word you're looking for. Almost all of us need to be reassured that we're not setting ourselves up for some sort of monumental fuck-up before we leap. The thing is, some of us need a lot more reassurance than others.

 

[00Syd]

I think "reassurance" is the word you're looking for. Almost all of us need to be reassured that we're not setting ourselves up for some sort of monumental fuck-up before we leap. The thing is, some of us need a lot more reassurance than others.

Ah, yes, exactly! Thank you.

 

[BiBunny]

Ah, yes, exactly! Thank you.

You're quite welcome.

 

[BeachGurl2]

But, emotional damage is relative. What may be heart-breaking for you (general term) may not have any effect on someone else.

I agree with this and with what JM had to say about it. It is relative. The damage done in childhood varies widely - some children who are sexually and physically abused in childhood grow up to be productive adults, others grow up to be abusers and pedophiles. But even those productive adults are still damaged.

Losing people close to you can be so painful that the thought of opening up to that kind of possible pain again can be incredibly paralyzing. But for others, it's just another loss.

Still others fall apart at the end of a 'relationship' that lasted mere weeks, while others are still intact at the end of multi-year relationship.

For myself, I go through cycles with it. The armor is there, to be sure, and it takes quite a bit to get inside of it. But once inside, everything is 100% out there emotionally. And with each new hurt, it takes a bit longer to get inside the next time. But my damage began in childhood and continued on into adulthood. An abusive, alcoholic, completely sick step-father after my father signed away his rights was just the beginning. A marriage to a severe narcissist who was also an emotional and psychological abuser, not to mention a severe control freak, and his continued attempt at control and abuse via the court system. Throughout which, no family or friends there for any kind of support because, hey, you're a big girl, you can take care of yourself. And so I always have. From childhood on, I've taken care of myself.

Did I lose someone close to me? I've lost several people close to me. But that's not what has 'damaged' me emotionally. Sometimes damage isn't about loss, it's about what is done to you by the people you love and who say they love you. But I don't wear it on my sleeve. I still want to be emotionally available. And I think for the most part I am.

While each person has something bad that has happened to them to put their emotional health and well-being at risk, it is all relative. It's hard to feel bad about the person who is 'emotionally devastated' when they get dumped after 3 months when your spouse of 10+ years was just diagnosed with cancer. So yeah, it's all relative.

 

[Netzach]

I don't disagree with you. Whenever someone opens up emotionally in new ways of course they are going to be the person who did the work. But I do think that sometimes some people need (or want, I don't want to say need because I'm sure someone will say "well, nobody NEEDS anything") a little nudging in the right direction.

I get it.

And I see the value in it, we're social animals and sometimes need other people to jolt us into pulling our heads from our butts.
But...

What I see happen too often is a person hung up on a person who's not going to open up to them, not going to be who they want them to, not going to suddenly see how closed off they are to love suddenly warming like spring ice like they do in some movie. A person who maybe is being exactly who they are doing exactly as they've always done and are always going to do, and someone else piling on the false hopes, then blaming the skunk for the stink, to revive that metaphor from earlier.

 

[LilyBart]

Homburg, I still can't multi-quote. I need serious help. I tried to capture a lot of posts tonight but I apparently need help. I'm going on memory now, so apologies if I misquote or forget.

So I will post from memory (reminding everyone that I have a little brain, and my thoughts burst forth without obvious reason.)

If I can first go back to JMohegan's post. My thought is, that you interpret the TR quote differently. No one is wrong. Just a different POV or point of life experience.

We are all damaged in some way. No one has the perfect life. I resent anyone who indicates otherwise. And it is a baseline. I tend to think of emotional availability first as how we deal with our siblings and parents. Since our first "bad" experiences no doubt occurred in childhood - the loss of a grandparent, perhaps. Our ability to cope depends on our families, our parents presented and/or coped with us (did they avoid discussion?)

Although Shank's comments are on target. It not just the parents. Perhaps for many of us it was. For our children it is not. There are far more influences beyond our control. Nurture was a much larger per cent 20+ years ago. We need to observe that Nature is gaining ground, at least on the parenting front. And Shank, your Gibran quote was simply perfect and rings so true for me. This does not help Homburg's friend, of course. But I hope you realize its meaning for many of us (at least for me) as a parent.

Bi-Bunny's comment about emotional availability not being required is on target. At least in the short term. I, at least, don't open myself up totally until I am sure I'm safe. (At this point, I'm speaking from the standpoint of deep friendships.)

And UnpreicableBijou's words were also truthful. Honesty goes both ways. I am in the camp of 90% of the the people I meet are well-intentioned. Sometimes, they (or I )screw up in the communication of our beliefs and intentions. That is, " I told you I was a skunk, now don't try to make me over into a kitten."

And then EmpressFi - yeah, we are all just wired differently. And I too would rather risk loving and being loved than not. Any day.

Finally, BeachGurl2, I go back to my comments about how those losses were handled. I grew up in a family where we simply didn't discuss such things. With our own children, some of whom are sort of adults now, we took a more open approach. Which, by the way, appalls my older family members.

Which brings me to: If you can't talk about your biggest fears or secrets with your siblings or your parents or otherwise respective "family," how the hell can you talk about them with anyone else?

Which, of course, raises a whole bunch of other issues if you didn't have something resembling a family while growing up.

This was a big ramble and I'm sorry. Don't yell at me if you disagree. I was posting from memory alone due to my technological shortcomings. That, and I banged my head on a tree limb while out in what passes for my garden today. So my brain might not be working as well as it thinks it is. *S*

 

[BeachGurl2]

What I see happen too often is a person hung up on a person who's not going to open up to them, not going to be who they want them to, not going to suddenly see how closed off they are to love suddenly warming like spring ice like they do in some movie. A person who maybe is being exactly who they are doing exactly as they've always done and are always going to do, and someone else piling on the false hopes, then blaming the skunk for the stink, to revive that metaphor from earlier.

Well said. Made me think of a quote I read recently, not sure where - Men are not like houses, they don't make great fixer-uppers. I'm sure that could equally be applied to women. You can't find someone you think you like and then hope to change who they are to fit your vision of what they should or could be. Romance novels do it, but real life doesn't work that way.

 

[BeachGurl2]

Finally, BeachGurl2, I go back to my comments about how those losses were handled. I grew up in a family where we simply didn't discuss such things. With our own children, some of whom are sort of adults now, we took a more open approach. Which, by the way, appalls my older family members.

Which brings me to: If you can't talk about your biggest fears or secrets with your siblings or your parents or otherwise respective "family," how the hell can you talk about them with anyone else?

Yes, my entire family is pretty much appalled at how I've raised my own girls. My family was the same way. If you don't talk about, it doesn't exist. And if something bad happens, get up, brush yourself off, and get moving again because no one wants to hear about your troubles. Troubles = burdens to other people. Asking for help means you're weak. Crying = weakness. Believe me, I know all about that.

And to further your question, if, within your family unit, you were never allowed to have fears or troubles or anything resembling negativity in your emotions or thoughts, how can you learn to express those things to other people?

 

[LilyBart]

Yes, my entire family is pretty much appalled at how I've raised my own girls. My family was the same way. If you don't talk about, it doesn't exist. And if something bad happens, get up, brush yourself off, and get moving again because no one wants to hear about your troubles. Troubles = burdens to other people. Asking for help means you're weak. Crying = weakness. Believe me, I know all about that.

And to further your question, if, within your family unit, you were never allowed to have fears or troubles or anything resembling negativity in your emotions or thoughts, how can you learn to express those things to other people?

Spot on BeachGurl2!

Although I'm not against the concept of "get up, brush yourself off and get moving." Its a good concept. As long as some discussion is involved. I mean, don't pretend that there wasn't a fall.

hijack/ hello neighbor
end hijack/

 

[rida]

Interesting topic.

I've bolded two quotes that ring very true in the way I live my life.

I have been surprised at the fact I rarely regret the things I do as much as I regret the things I didn't do.

"I did my best. I'm all that I will be."

I am very wary of how close I am going to let people in, so most of the people are kept at a fairly safe distance. I am friendly and will talk about everything and even tell you a lot about me and my life, but that does not imply any emotional closeness.
However, if I feel that I want to be emotionally close to the other person, I will open the gates ... more often than not scaring the other person away.
The result being that I have very few close friends, and a lot of social acquaintances.

As for the impact of emotionally wreaking events, I agree with BeachGurl2 that it is all relative.
There are indeed event that are objectively more devastating than others, but at the end the damage that such events will do is relative to the person.
And if the person is suffering and being devastated, it is not other people's place to tell them that their "loss" does not qualify as a really damaging one.

 

[FurryFury]

I get it.

And I see the value in it, we're social animals and sometimes need other people to jolt us into pulling our heads from our butts.
But...

What I see happen too often is a person hung up on a person who's not going to open up to them, not going to be who they want them to, not going to suddenly see how closed off they are to love suddenly warming like spring ice like they do in some movie. A person who maybe is being exactly who they are doing exactly as they've always done and are always going to do, and someone else piling on the false hopes, then blaming the skunk for the stink, to revive that metaphor from earlier.

True that. This is in the category of they are just not that into. Often the unavailable person will marry the very next person they date, after the first person has suffered and finally, finally, finally gotten a clue and left. Why is that? They just weren't that into you in the first place, that's why. It didn't matter what you did, how long you stayed, it was never going to happen. It sucks for you and everyone else.

 

[JamieB]

I'm emotionally unavailable, and I like it

Too many great insights in this thread to quote, really. I think I'm largely emotionally unavailable, so I'll toss my thoughts out here.

Sometimes it's due to depression disguising itself as boredom, saying to myself "Oh Jesus Christ. I just do not have the energy to engage with this person right now, so I'm just going to smile and nod for a while and hope they go away so I can go take a nap or a bike ride." Other times it's genuine disinterest...people are just not as interesting as they think they are.

It doesn't always happen, but when it does, it happens in a variety of contexts, a conversation with someone new, comforting a friend, a love relationship, and ESPECIALLY being comforted by a friend. When I'm really low, I tend to crawl under a rock, not take phone calls, not reach out to other people. I know...exactly the opposite of what you're supposed to do.

I also have a natural caution that applies to all areas of my life. I have several ostensibly dangerous passions, bicycle racing, mountain biking, motorcycling, including riding at the race track (what they call "track days"), snow-boarding, rock climbing...but I've never been seriously hurt. I push very hard, go very fast, but I know where the real danger zone is and I stay out of it. That caution applies to social situations as well. I don't mind making an ass out of myself in public, but If I think there's a risk of real, deep-down embarrassment or humiliation...exposure might be the right word, actually...I keep my trap shut.

Anyway, I imagine people think I'm distant because of those things. They're probably right.

I do have some extremely close family and friends, people who understand the things I've referred to above, whom I talk to daily even though some are on different continents or the other side of this one. When I find a connection with someone, it almost always pays off in a close friendship that lasts decades. It doesn't happen often, though.

Emotionally unavailable or no, I think I'm generally happy and fulfilled, and I don't feel a strong motivation to change the way I deal with people.

J

 

[Pure]

note re serijules

SJI'm especially bad about trusting people as friends. I've been burned by a lot of friends, but moreso because they didn't live up to my expectations of the friendship. Not really something I can blame THEM for as they are just being who they are. My perception of what kind of people they were was flawed, and thus, I was hurt.

So when I move on and meet a new friend or open up to a new person, I'm more wary each time. I'm less trusting of my judgement. I'm more sensitive to their reactions to me. But at least I try.

I'm an open person in general. I will answer almost anything asked of me with an open, honest and straight-forward reply. However, when that comes back to bite me in the ass, I'm not always so great at accepting that responsibility.

Basically, *I* hurt me. So in the end, it's *myself* that I have to learn to re-trust again.

P: There is a lot to say for this point. Also the points raised by JMohegan. The original quote, about "daring" and taking your lumps and getting up again is fine for many of life's situations. It construes life as like an athletic event, or a series of them. There's always another race to be run.

At the same time, the stance is rather confrontational; as if the "other" is the opponent. As has been pointed out by some posters, leaving aside the psychos, MOST people --in our relationships-- are not out to hurt us. They simply have their agendas and priorities.

Also, the metaphor assumes a lot of control. Obviously one has to have some sense of agency, but the role of will and choice in the relationships we happen into, is overrated. One often sees the paradox: Someone says, "I'm NOT very available. I will scrutinize VERY carefully next time." In fact, a few mos later we see they've "fallen for" someone. All the screening criteria went out the window. And possibly it's a good thing.

Consider the 'other side' of the story, for each of your major hurts or betrayals. How would that story go? "I got his/her trust and betrayed her." No. But rather, "I got close to X, and hoped s/he'd 'be there' and s/he wasn't. So I moved on."

On the availability issue, yes, certainly people are walled off. I've been at some times. But it's also important to note that 'availability' is NOT a constant, or fixed characteristic. In intimate relationships, there is often a cooling. What causes it? Fear? Routine? Here is one factor: having a stake in things. You might tell a 'first date,', "Yes i go hunt rabbits, shoot them, skin them and have a nice rabbit stew." If she doesn't like it, too bad. With one's intimate, sometimes it just seems too risky. Taking the Clinton's saga according to the publicly stated facts: Why not, long before it's compelled, before the 'shit hits the fan,' go to Hillary and say, "I got several blow jobs from my intern." One says, "There's too much at stake." But clearly that wasn't a very good piece of reasoning, if it happened.

--

Another good point raised by several posters is realism. When there's a complaint, "X let me down," how realistic was the expectation?
The always available, always-getting-hurt person is NOT exactly that. He or she is one who's open, in one way, yes, but one who declines to, or doesn't see, what she or he is dealing with. She or he forgets the simple axiom: people generally don't change much. As least not to suit us. If you meet someone with three marriages in the past, each lasting a couple years, and you marry them, it's pretty likely, and certainly possible that a couple years is the span of your marriage. It COULD be 20 years, and the person could 'turn over a new leaf,' but one can't count on it.

 

[Homburg]

The original quote, about "daring" and taking your lumps and getting up again is fine for many of life's situations. It construes life as like an athletic event, or a series of them. There's always another race to be run.

At the same time, the stance is rather confrontational; as if the "other" is the opponent. As has been pointed out by some posters, leaving aside the psychos, MOST people --in our relationships-- are not out to hurt us. They simply have their agendas and priorities.

I do not relate that quote as confrontational with the "other" in a relationship. If there is a confrontation, it is internal. The individual confronts their own weakness and desire to simply give up, and resolves to struggle on. But the core to the quote, and the lesson that I take from it, is that willingness to try is the most important factor. That the willingness to expose onesself to loss is the only way to truly gain.

Another good point raised by several posters is realism. When there's a complaint, "X let me down," how realistic was the expectation?
The always available, always-getting-hurt person is NOT exactly that. He or she is one who's open, in one way, yes, but one who declines to, or doesn't see, what she or he is dealing with. She or he forgets the simple axiom: people generally don't change much. As least not to suit us. If you meet someone with three marriages in the past, each lasting a couple years, and you marry them, it's pretty likely, and certainly possible that a couple years is the span of your marriage. It COULD be 20 years, and the person could 'turn over a new leaf,' but one can't count on it.

This is something I have seen time and again. Past performance is not an absolutely reliable indicator of future deeds, but it sure does help you figure out the patterns. Your words are very true here.

 

[fishercat]

Sometimes damage isn't about loss, it's about what is done to you by the people you love and who say they love you.

I've been reading this thread when I can, and have wanted to comment, but this quote has driven me to finally add my thoughts.

I've been reading Emotional Unavailability by Bryn Collins, a psychologist, which I picked up both to avoid getting into a relationship with someone who could not connect with me, but also to gauge my own ability to connect with others.

BeachGurl2's quote spoke to me because I was raised in a chaotic situation, with no touch, no words of love, no trust between anyone. My parents were completely unpredictable, and so I learned not to trust them. We all eventually grew up and got closer to each other emotionally, but the early damage was done.

Since they've passed away, I'm realizing the extent to which I can't quite trust people, particularly men. Today I went on my first date in years, which was great fun, but coming home I thought of earlier relationships, and realized for the first time that I had unconsciously picked men who were unable to commit. I've never been in a relationship with a man who could wholly and truly love me, and who I could trust enough to return the emotion in turn.

I'm happy to say that I'm seeing the issues, and dealing with them, and am taking the risks. Finally.

Thanks for starting this thread, Homburg.

 

[Homburg]

Thanks for starting this thread, Homburg.

Quite welcome, Fishercat =)

 

[SubKekiLee]

Dare Greatly
It is not the critic who counts; nor the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcomings; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end, the triumph of high achievement; and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

~ Theodore Roosevelt (1858–1919)

Ive been following this thread for the last few days and it has finally inspired me to post my thoughts about this.. When I first read this thread.. I loved Homburg's post and it made me think about how I am.. Ive personally been thru the ringer in my life and sometimes I think I punish those around me with my emotions cause of hurt ive been through.... it makes me think of something very recent.. some of you will remember that I recently went through some heartbreak with another dom before my Sir entered my life with him disappearing.. well after my moms death he called and I got some anwsers and when I last saw Sir he asked me point blank at dinner "Pet now that you got the anwsers are you done punishing me? and ready to comit and trust me fully ?" Wow what a shock to come from him unexpectedly... But he was right.. I had been punishing him by acting insecure, and thinking he didnt care and that he was going to leave when all along he thinks of me daily and wants to be that person for me.. so it was about getting up and brushing off and knowing I have him and seeing that he is ALWAYS there for me, proof of that is when my mom died.. We were miles apart but it was like he was right there next to me... So I think at times you can be emotionally unavailible but if you find the right person they will show you, you dont have to be you can show your heart and fear not that will not hurt you and bring the warmth and love you deserve out.... Life takes it toll and turns and twists and life is about growth and journies and being hurt is one of them you grow from it..

Thank you Homburg for starting this thread

To my Sir...
You continue to amaze me everyday.. You make me smile everyday and I am thankful you chose me in this journey and I am proud to call you my Sir.....
Your Humble Pet

 

[Homburg]

Thank you Homburg for starting this thread

You're welcome, SKL.

The more I see this, the happier I am that I started this thread. Thanks to everyone that contributed.

 

[intothewoods]

I get it.

And I see the value in it, we're social animals and sometimes need other people to jolt us into pulling our heads from our butts.
But...

What I see happen too often is a person hung up on a person who's not going to open up to them, not going to be who they want them to, not going to suddenly see how closed off they are to love suddenly warming like spring ice like they do in some movie. A person who maybe is being exactly who they are doing exactly as they've always done and are always going to do, and someone else piling on the false hopes, then blaming the skunk for the stink, to revive that metaphor from earlier.

<snip>
Ive been following this thread for the last few days and it has finally inspired me to post my thoughts about this.. When I first read this thread.. I loved Homburg's post and it made me think about how I am.. Ive personally been thru the ringer in my life and sometimes I think I punish those around me with my emotions cause of hurt ive been through.... it makes me think of something very recent.. some of you will remember that I recently went through some heartbreak with another dom before my Sir entered my life with him disappearing.. well after my moms death he called and I got some anwsers and when I last saw Sir he asked me point blank at dinner "Pet now that you got the anwsers are you done punishing me? and ready to comit and trust me fully ?" Wow what a shock to come from him unexpectedly... But he was right.. I had been punishing him by acting insecure, and thinking he didnt care and that he was going to leave when all along he thinks of me daily and wants to be that person for me.. so it was about getting up and brushing off and knowing I have him and seeing that he is ALWAYS there for me, proof of that is when my mom died.. We were miles apart but it was like he was right there next to me... So I think at times you can be emotionally unavailible but if you find the right person they will show you, you dont have to be you can show your heart and fear not that will not hurt you and bring the warmth and love you deserve out.... Life takes it toll and turns and twists and life is about growth and journies and being hurt is one of them you grow from it..

Thank you Homburg for starting this thread

To my Sir...
You continue to amaze me everyday.. You make me smile everyday and I am thankful you chose me in this journey and I am proud to call you my Sir.....
Your Humble Pet

SKL - That's a very sweet story.

But I think many people do not deep down are not wired to have that moment where they crumble into mush, and say, thank you, darling.

I've long had a fantasy of reaching the heart of that emotionally unavailable, wounded guy. I was once hurt very badly by someone like this. He turned kind of mean, to get rid of me, and it didn't matter. I kept coming back for more.

He was a victim of child abuse. He still had a scar from the time his dad put out a cigarette on his hand to punish him for something or other. He told me he loved me after the first time we slept together, and then freaked out and spent the rest of the time acting like an asshole. I was about 21 at the time. You live you learn. I still wondered about him for years and years though. It was so passionate between us.

 

[fishercat]

.. some of you will remember that I recently went through some heartbreak with another dom before my Sir entered my life with him disappearing.. well after my moms death he called and I got some anwsers and when I last saw Sir he asked me point blank at dinner "Pet now that you got the anwsers are you done punishing me? and ready to comit and trust me fully ?" Wow what a shock to come from him unexpectedly... But he was right.. I had been punishing him by acting insecure, and thinking he didnt care and that he was going to leave when all along he thinks of me daily and wants to be that person for me.. so it was about getting up and brushing off and knowing I have him and seeing that he is ALWAYS there for me, proof of that is when my mom died.. We were miles apart but it was like he was right there next to me... So I think at times you can be emotionally unavailible but if you find the right person they will show you, you dont have to be you can show your heart and fear not that will not hurt you and bring the warmth and love you deserve out.... Life takes it toll and turns and twists and life is about growth and journies and being hurt is one of them you grow from it..

But I think many people do not deep down are not wired to have that moment where they crumble into mush, and say, thank you, darling.

I've long had a fantasy of reaching the heart of that emotionally unavailable, wounded guy. I was once hurt very badly by someone like this. He turned kind of mean, to get rid of me, and it didn't matter. I kept coming back for more.

First, SKL, your story made me cry. You truly have a wonderful person in your life.

I too am dealing with insecurity, and your story made me see how unfair it would be to any partner of mine to have to deal with that. It would seem like an obstacle course with no finish line. While I'm owning my insecurity, and trying to overcome it, knowing there are people who will love you through it is inspiring.

And ITW, I agree, some people probably aren't wired to get over things, or maybe some things are just too traumatic to recover from. It's lovely that you wanted to try to help: I wish there were more people with a heart like yours.

 

[intothewoods]

And ITW, I agree, some people probably aren't wired to get over things, or maybe some things are just too traumatic to recover from. It's lovely that you wanted to try to help: I wish there were more people with a heart like yours.

Really? I can't even believe how it's coming roaring back recently. I wish I could say it's selfless, but it's a need within me too. It's partly a submissive thing - let me take care of you. Let me please you. Let me help...just tell me how. I'll do anything. It's really quite powerful. Especially when the person is withholding, you can project anything you want onto him.