"Dare Greatly" - Emotional risk-taking

[faeriefire]

Brilliant post. I've recently realized something: some people are safe and some people are not. Those who are willing to open up and accept when you do the same are really gems hidden and sparkling in the huge mass of humanity. There are lots of people in the world who would rather hear 'all's well, I'm fine' than actually know about something amazing or frustrating in another's life. The people who are willing to hear it all and still embrace with open arms...well it comes across when you talk to them and makes it easier to dole out yourself piece by piece until they know your heart. But then there are others, the ones who say they want honesty but won't accept it if it doesn't meet their needs. It may manifest in the ability to hear others problems, but not divulge their own. Or perhaps the opposite. There is a give and take to emotional vulnerability and with every offered insight or shared step the receiver has the opportunity to build or to demolish trust. And all it takes is one hard hit. The relationship might recover. But with every hit the giver becomes less and less likely to give again. And then trust begins to crumble. Because without trust emotional risk-taking is just too big a risk to chance.

 

[LilyBart]

And ITW, I agree, some people probably aren't wired to get over things, or maybe some things are just too traumatic to recover from.

I hadn't actually considered this point of view before. I thinking "wiring" probably plays a much bigger part than I had acknowledged previously. I wished I'd thought of this before posting earlier.

 

[fishercat]

Really? I can't even believe how it's coming roaring back recently. I wish I could say it's selfless, but it's a need within me too. It's partly a submissive thing - let me take care of you. Let me please you. Let me help...just tell me how. I'll do anything. It's really quite powerful. Especially when the person is withholding, you can project anything you want onto him.

Yeah, point taken. And for some people that need to help is less part of being submissive than needing to fix things, which can actually be a power groove for some. Which does neither person any good in the long run.

Maybe I should have said people who want to help, but are emotionally intelligent enough to walk away when the person being helped will not own up to their issues in a reasonable amount of time.

 

[madetotakeit]

Really? I can't even believe how it's coming roaring back recently. I wish I could say it's selfless, but it's a need within me too. It's partly a submissive thing - let me take care of you. Let me please you. Let me help...just tell me how. I'll do anything. It's really quite powerful. Especially when the person is withholding, you can project anything you want onto him.

I have this habit as well. Sometimes it can be rewarding, and the need to nurture is taken care of, but sometimes people just withhold because they are happy being that way. In those cases it is self-destructive to project. In my experience anyway.

 

[YourCaptor]

This is my favourite quote, written by one of my personal heroes. I strive to emulate this quote, but find myself failing to do so all too often.

Regardless, this post is not about TR. It is about risk taking. Specifically emotional risk taking.

I was talking with a friend that finds herself in a situation, and from a string of similar situations, where she placed herself in emotionally vulnerable positions, took the risk of loss, and the person with whom she took this risk held back. Took no similar gambles. She was asking me if I knew why. I really didn't, and still don't, but it caused me to examine myself a bit.

I realised that I take risks. I try to make sure that they are calculated risks, but they are gambles nonetheless. We all do, any time we really get involved with someone else, really allow them into heart, mind, and trust. Some are just far more risk-averse than others, and I agree with her. I don't really know why.

Yes, I've heard all the stories of how so-and-so burned thus-and-such and they never really recovered, but I honestly find myself at a loss. I've found myself wrecked, emotionally destroyed. Yet I recovered, and took more risks. I've had my trust abused, yet I am still open about who I am, and about my life. So is this friend.

Now, I don't fault anyone for keeping to their own council, or being private. Cool beans. But I wonder about those who won't take emotional risks in relationships. Those who remain aloof and emotionally available. Why? Why enter into a relationship at all if you do not plan to open yourself to that person?

These are honest questions, and not motivated by anything in my personal life. I've no agenda or personal interest. I am simply looking to under emotional reticence, and need to maintain distance even as one ostensibly closes distance in a relationship.

ETA: Please feel free to reply if you are emotionally available. I don't want to limit this. All I ask is that this not turn into a rant against those who are unavailable.

I haven’t replied to this yet because I don’t really understand what you are saying. So, here’s a stab at it nonetheless.

I don’t take emotional risks, I don’t think there is such a thing as an emotional risk.

Instead I simply know that all things die.

Relationships die too, it’s only a matter of how long something will live.

Maybe I am different in this, because I don’t fear death.

On a related note, when in my artistic mind set I have often wondered, if my loved one died, would my love literally die too, as in the emotion of love. Would I be capable of loving anybody else.

That’s nothing to fear though.

 

[Netzach]

I haven’t replied to this yet because I don’t really understand what you are saying. So, here’s a stab at it nonetheless.

I don’t take emotional risks, I don’t think there is such a thing as an emotional risk.

Instead I simply know that all things die.

Relationships die too, it’s only a matter of how long something will live.

Maybe I am different in this, because I don’t fear death.

On a related note, when in my artistic mind set I have often wondered, if my loved one died, would my love literally die too, as in the emotion of love. Would I be capable of loving anybody else.

That’s nothing to fear though.

I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm past all fear of death and loss, but I definitely have an eye to the fact that my relationships will end in their current formats, at best case because someone dies, more likely because they've ceased to be right for one or both os us any longer, but either way. So "I'll try my best with you" has supplanted "forever and ever" and things of that nature in my mind, and honestly, it *feels* better to me anyway. I don't think it's pessimistic. It hasn't really changed my intent to grow old with them.

I've had to confront the possibility of an impending death (I'm lucky) and the reality of my eventual death more than a lot of other people my age have, and I've had a lot of thought and a lot of worry about what the people I love are going to do with themselves if I did die now and what it would be like to have to put those relationships to closure with everything else if I did.

So some of this rubs off onto my "if things no longer work" mind. To me there's no less dignity in the latter inherently.

 

[intothewoods]

I have this habit as well. Sometimes it can be rewarding, and the need to nurture is taken care of, but sometimes people just withhold because they are happy being that way. In those cases it is self-destructive to project. In my experience anyway.

Right.

Yeah, point taken. And for some people that need to help is less part of being submissive than needing to fix things, which can actually be a power groove for some. Which does neither person any good in the long run.

Maybe I should have said people who want to help, but are emotionally intelligent enough to walk away when the person being helped will not own up to their issues in a reasonable amount of time.

Yeah, I have both I think. The nurturing caretaking thing, and the controlling I just wanna fix it thing. They really are separate. With the former it's like, just tell me what you need, and I will do it. I will do anything to make you happy. With the latter it's like, ok, can ya just shut up and listen while I tell you what to do already? The latter is really not helpful in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. But I have learned a lot of patience over the years.

I hadn't actually considered this point of view before. I thinking "wiring" probably plays a much bigger part than I had acknowledged previously. I wished I'd thought of this before posting earlier.

Some people don't believe in free will at all. It's all wiring. How can we really know? I think for sure it doesn't make sense to expect people to fundamentally change their nature.

 

[closerIam]

It is about risk taking. Specifically emotional risk taking.
. . . . . . .
Yes, I've heard all the stories of how so-and-so burned thus-and-such and they never really recovered, but I honestly find myself at a loss. I've found myself wrecked, emotionally destroyed. Yet I recovered, and took more risks. I've had my trust abused, yet I am still open about who I am, and about my life.

.

I'm a risk taker. I tend to pick my risks pretty carefully but I enjoy risk taking. I don't understand how you can fully live without being emotionally vulnerable and available to others. I refuse to go numbed and muffled through life.

I refuse to only live half my life, or even less, due to fear. I've been hurt plenty. The things I've been through might have made me shut down. I actually expected at this point in my life to be that way.

:

This is something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately. I've only had one 'real' relationship...my marriage...and there were a lot of things wrong...a lot of hurt...a lot of lying... I felt much like FurryFury as in I shut down and didn't expect to ever let myself become vulnerable like that again. And yet...I've discovered that once I feel a connection with someone...as I do now...a strong sexual/emotional connection that I've NEVER experienced before...I'm 'suddenly' vulnerable. I thought I could 'play' a bit...learn about myself...have a bit of fun. And yes...I'm learning and having fun, but I also realize I'm headed for sadness. This emotional investment/attachment I'm feeling is not reciprocated...as in, it's 'only sex'... I'm glad He's up front about it...because pretense and lying would make it worse in the end... But I know that the longer it continues...the deeper I'll get...and the harder I'll fall when it's over... I didn't expect this. I didn't expect Him to get inside of me like this...to be such a match for a part of me that had previously been undiscovered. How can this not be emotional...?

 

[FurryFury]

This is something I've been thinking about quite a bit lately. I've only had one 'real' relationship...my marriage...and there were a lot of things wrong...a lot of hurt...a lot of lying... I felt much like FurryFury as in I shut down and didn't expect to ever let myself become vulnerable like that again. And yet...I've discovered that once I feel a connection with someone...as I do now...a strong sexual/emotional connection that I've NEVER experienced before...I'm 'suddenly' vulnerable. I thought I could 'play' a bit...learn about myself...have a bit of fun. And yes...I'm learning and having fun, but I also realize I'm headed for sadness. This emotional investment/attachment I'm feeling is not reciprocated...as in, it's 'only sex'... I'm glad He's up front about it...because pretense and lying would make it worse in the end... But I know that the longer it continues...the deeper I'll get...and the harder I'll fall when it's over... I didn't expect this. I didn't expect Him to get inside of me like this...to be such a match for a part of me that had previously been undiscovered. How can this not be emotional...?

Wow.

*HUG*

I feel for you. I really do.

 

[closerIam]

Wow.

*HUG*

I feel for you. I really do.

Thank you FurryFury... I needed that hug.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I've also been thinking about this thread quite a lot since it was first started. Way more than I usually do about any thread on here. Hmmm, wonder what THAT means.

I think that there are a variety of emotional 'types' out there in the area of love.

There are those who have been so devasted emotionally, usually by the loss of someone very close to them, that the devastation put them in a place where they just can't allow themselves to feel that strongly about someone again. There's often a part of them that wants to, but the remembered pain of loss just won't allow them to go there.

There are those who have been hurt in small and maybe even medium sized ways over time, whose only experience in life is being left or let down by those they love. These are the people whose emotional walls build up over time.

And there are those whose hurts have been bigger - again being left or let down by those they love, but often beginning in childhood by the people they first learned about love from. Self-protection begun early, if you will.

I'm sure there are others, but these seem to be the ones that most of us fall into. I'm not talking about the people who are physically incapable of emotional involvement. Those are a given. And to question their emotional daring is just plain wrong.

The problems I see inherent in a discussion about who may or may not be more emtionally daring and whether or not it's a bad thing is that each of us has experienced life differently.

I have lost people very important to me, but since high school, when someone I had barely begun going out with died, I've never had someone I loved in a romantic way die on me. So I can't imagine how difficult that must be to bear. I've never lost one of my children, but I know that if I did, I truly do not know if I would be able to recover from that. So I would never belittle someone who had either or both of these things happen to them.

I have had, as I expressed earlier, a high level of the 3rd type I mentioned above, and following that, some of the second level. And those things have added up over time to certainly build emotional shields to protect me from further pain. However, I find myself in line with FF and the following:

I shut down and didn't expect to ever let myself become vulnerable like that again. And yet...I've discovered that once I feel a connection with someone...as I do now...a strong sexual/emotional connection that I've NEVER experienced before...I'm 'suddenly' vulnerable. I thought I could 'play' a bit...learn about myself...have a bit of fun. And yes...I'm learning and having fun, but I also realize I'm headed for sadness. This emotional investment/attachment I'm feeling is not reciprocated...as in, it's 'only sex'... I'm glad He's up front about it...because pretense and lying would make it worse in the end... But I know that the longer it continues...the deeper I'll get...and the harder I'll fall when it's over... I didn't expect this. I didn't expect Him to get inside of me like this...to be such a match for a part of me that had previously been undiscovered. How can this not be emotional...?

Each time someone new comes into my life, it takes me a bit of time to open up and to trust. As each step in trust is reached, I open up a bit more. (Whether romantic relationship or friendship, doesn't really matter because the chance for emotional pain exists, just on a different plane.) Until I am at the point where I'm fully, 100% emtionally in the relationship. I really don't know how to NOT become emotionally involved. And no matter how fully formed the shields I have may be, once the breakthrough happens, I'm balls-out, 100% there emotionally.

I think that many of us operate that way without really acknowledging it, even to ourselves. Yes, I get it. There are many, many people who are emotionally unavailable. But that doesn't mean they don't hurt just as much as the rest of us. They just don't share that with the people closest to them. In fact, what they are doing is cheating. Because they tell themselves that they don't feel, but in fact, they do. These are the in-betweens. The ones who keep themselves apart, but still feel everything. They just fight it better than those of us who jump in whole heart, I think.

Anyway, enough of my rambling philosophy. Not sure where I was going with it, but I lost momentum there somewhere.

 

[closerIam]

I really don't know how to NOT become emotionally involved. And no matter how fully formed the shields I have may be, once the breakthrough happens, I'm balls-out, 100% there emotionally.
QUOTE]


Yes...this is it, exactly. "Once the breakthrough happens..."

 

[madetotakeit]

Each time someone new comes into my life, it takes me a bit of time to open up and to trust. As each step in trust is reached, I open up a bit more. (Whether romantic relationship or friendship, doesn't really matter because the chance for emotional pain exists, just on a different plane.) Until I am at the point where I'm fully, 100% emtionally in the relationship. I really don't know how to NOT become emotionally involved. And no matter how fully formed the shields I have may be, once the breakthrough happens, I'm balls-out, 100% there emotionally.

I think that many of us operate that way without really acknowledging it, even to ourselves. Yes, I get it. There are many, many people who are emotionally unavailable. But that doesn't mean they don't hurt just as much as the rest of us. They just don't share that with the people closest to them. In fact, what they are doing is cheating. Because they tell themselves that they don't feel, but in fact, they do. These are the in-betweens. The ones who keep themselves apart, but still feel everything. They just fight it better than those of us who jump in whole heart, I think.

I'm the same way. Once I know that it is safe to start exposing my emotions, I'm all in. I think you are spot on with your observation of the in-betweens. Unfortunately as was pointed out earlier in the thread I don't think those who fall into that category would post their thoughts either because they don't realize it or that would be exposing what might be considered a weakness in themselves. To use Hom's comparison, those are the llamas that it would truly be interesting to hear from.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I think you are spot on with your observation of the in-betweens. Unfortunately as was pointed out earlier in the thread I don't think those who fall into that category would post their thoughts either because they don't realize it or that would be exposing what might be considered a weakness in themselves. To use Hom's comparison, those are the llamas that it would truly be interesting to hear from.

In some ways, I think that maybe I qualify on some levels as one of those 'in-betweens' myself. Because I tend to shut down when it hits and not share that with anyone either. Oh, I'm sharing here, but no one here really knows me - well, beyond a few people I've met off the boards. This allows for anonymity that real life doesn't so it's 'safer' to express here. I have a feeling, too, that others who are like me, who take time to allow people in but once in, it's 100%, are similar. We keep our hurts to ourselves and pretend all is well to the outside world. At least that's how I usually am. Keep it inside, don't let anyone know.

 

[closerIam]

In some ways, I think that maybe I qualify on some levels as one of those 'in-betweens' myself. Because I tend to shut down when it hits and not share that with anyone either. Oh, I'm sharing here, but no one here really knows me - well, beyond a few people I've met off the boards. This allows for anonymity that real life doesn't so it's 'safer' to express here. I have a feeling, too, that others who are like me, who take time to allow people in but once in, it's 100%, are similar. We keep our hurts to ourselves and pretend all is well to the outside world. At least that's how I usually am. Keep it inside, don't let anyone know.

This is how I am, too... My real life friends don't know anything about what I'm going through now. The anonymity of Lit...and of the internet in general has somehow given me permission to share parts of myself that are usually kept hidden inside. It has also allowed me to open up to Him quickly. He knows more about me...more about my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and sexuality...than anyone else...and in a matter of a few months. This is one reason I feel such an emotional attachment. He's gotten inside my head...inside the essence of me. It could have taken years to learn that much about me in real life, as I'm shy and quiet...and DO keep feelings and emotions hidden.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm the opposite. I blabber all my emotions. And then I sit back and think. It's not particularly smart and it doesn't always serve me well. You live, you learn.

 

[graceanne]

I guess the willingness to take a risk depends on how much you think you're going to get from that risk. In other words, if your relationships were never that great for you (ie you put all, and s/he did squat), then why would you put yourself out there again?

I know that it's very difficult for me to trust people, and make friends. I've been burned badly in friendships and relationships, and it was rarely worth the burn.

Beyond that, I'm not a very brave person, and it takes bravery to keep putting yourself out there to be hurt. After awhile you just say 'enough is enough' and stop putting yourself out there. Or, when you do, you protect yourself.

 

[graceanne]

This is how I am, too... My real life friends don't know anything about what I'm going through now. The anonymity of Lit...and of the internet in general has somehow given me permission to share parts of myself that are usually kept hidden inside. It has also allowed me to open up to Him quickly. He knows more about me...more about my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and sexuality...than anyone else...and in a matter of a few months. This is one reason I feel such an emotional attachment. He's gotten inside my head...inside the essence of me. It could have taken years to learn that much about me in real life, as I'm shy and quiet...and DO keep feelings and emotions hidden.

I occasionally let things go online that I wouldn't in real life. But I'm normally really upset and tired, and am embarrassed the next day that I blurted like that. I'm a very private person, both online and off, cause I've learned that letting people you don't trust know that stuff about you is giving someone power to hurt you.

 

[BeachGurl2]

I occasionally let things go online that I wouldn't in real life. But I'm normally really upset and tired, and am embarrassed the next day that I blurted like that. I'm a very private person, both online and off, cause I've learned that letting people you don't trust know that stuff about you is giving someone power to hurt you.

I agree. And I've never had an online 'relationship' but I have had what I considered to be online friendships where I trusted people with a very large part of myself. Until I got burned. More than once, actually. So I don't do that anymore, either. Funny how that works, isn't it? I've found myself over the last not quite year stepping back from the boards because of that. Not putting myself out there the way I did before. Hadn't really thought much about that until I read what you posted. But another self-protective measure, to be sure.

 

[closerIam]

I occasionally let things go online that I wouldn't in real life. But I'm normally really upset and tired, and am embarrassed the next day that I blurted like that. I'm a very private person, both online and off, cause I've learned that letting people you don't trust know that stuff about you is giving someone power to hurt you.

You are very right...and even though I know this, I seem to have disregarded it lately. Thank you.

 

[YourCaptor]

After reading some responses on this topic. If this thread is about allowing new acquaintances into your personal life, I think we are all more or less the same in how we do it. We tell people more and more gradually according to what we think they will understand and or be interested in.

There is no point in telling a nun about how I like to choke girls while fucking them. However she may want to talk about some of my understanding of religion. And I'm sure she will understand that I think cathedrals are beautiful.