Despair

[UnderYourSpell]

Oh I know you can, dear. But I have also seen yr boobies. xxx

OMG I had forgotten about that!! shhhhhhhh lol or Ariel will be wondering what people on this board have been getting up to in the past!

 

[arielsgoddess]

Alright all you horny wenches....

This WAS supposed to be a serious discussion here--lol--Now Fool & Angeline's MAd HAttery has turned into the Topless Tea Party!!!!--lol--You know that would be a great name for a thread...

 

[UnderYourSpell]

This WAS supposed to be a serious discussion here--lol--Now Fool & Angeline's MAd HAttery has turned into the Topless Tea Party!!!!--lol--You know that would be a great name for a thread...

You should be glad that's the norm round here!

 

[Homburg]

There are ladies on this forum?

--

AG, I like this. I'm not one to suggest (or even heed*) rewrites, so I won't go there. I will say that I dig some of the tangled imagery here. And, well, the subject matter is close to me lately, though under different auspices obviously.




* - As some here have probably noted, I don't usually care to go back and revisit anything I write. The moment of conception and act of writing is really all that matters to me. I don't even save what I've written here. The only art of mine that matters for me is the temporary stuff anyway. After all, memory soothes the flaws away, and I only keep the core expressions.

 

[Angeline]

The topless Tea party part was Fool's idea. I just know it.

No one has noted that eagleyz's current avie is a car. So I'll be dancing with an automobile. That made me laugh.

 

[champagne1982]

Good rewrite! As I said, I merely suggest and not direct. I like what you've done so far; but, I think you need to change the past tense of the verb to lie. As it is you're using the past participle of the verb to lay. If you keep "laying" then I'll think you're a chicken and want to steal your eggs.

Note: Sleeplessly lying...

 

[arielsgoddess]

There once was a lady of Tulay...

Who wasn't a lady, but hey--

Hmmm--so I'm constantly 'laying': isn't that an expected side effect of being a nymphomaniac? Sigh! I can't be the only one here whose words are doing what I wish I was, when I am not....

 

[UnderYourSpell]

There are ladies on this forum?

--

AG, I like this. I'm not one to suggest (or even heed*) rewrites, so I won't go there. I will say that I dig some of the tangled imagery here. And, well, the subject matter is close to me lately, though under different auspices obviously.




* - As some here have probably noted, I don't usually care to go back and revisit anything I write. The moment of conception and act of writing is really all that matters to me. I don't even save what I've written here. The only art of mine that matters for me is the temporary stuff anyway. After all, memory soothes the flaws away, and I only keep the core expressions.

I would love to hogtie (is that the right word?) you and give you a dose of your own medicine ..... watch you ranting and raving against the ropes trying to tear loose. The air would be blue with expletives and threats as to what you would do when you got free! and I would believe you but oooooooooooh it would be worth it!!!!

 

[champagne1982]

<snip>You are so good. You're a damn sponge.

I just realized this... Lauren's the sponge splooge.. What does that make Charley?

(I'm worried I'm like a sort of strange procreative device and --That just creeps me out.)

Are you like, calling me some kind of weird mollusk dildo?

 

[Angeline]

I just realized this... Lauren's the sponge splooge.. What does that make Charley?

(I'm worried I'm like a sort of strange procreative device and --That just creeps me out.)

Are you like, calling me some kind of weird mollusk dildo?

Only in your mind could we go from me complimenting your poetry critiquieness to you being a mollusk dildo. And you know--hint hint--I've never seen a mollusk dildo poem here, like a sonnet or somethin.

 

[Homburg]

Good rewrite! As I said, I merely suggest and not direct. I like what you've done so far; but, I think you need to change the past tense of the verb to lie. As it is you're using the past participle of the verb to lay. If you keep "laying" then I'll think you're a chicken and want to steal your eggs.

Note: Sleeplessly lying...

NOTE: I do dislike the suggestions. I think they're fantastic, and were I not a pinhead about my own work I'd probably find them useful.

--

I would love to hogtie (is that the right word?) you and give you a dose of your own medicine ..... watch you ranting and raving against the ropes trying to tear loose. The air would be blue with expletives and threats as to what you would do when you got free! and I would believe you but oooooooooooh it would be worth it!!!!

A certain cheeky someone is feeling her oats tonight

 

[UnderYourSpell]

my dommy side is taking over!! does a switch have dual personalities?!! Just a thought

 

[Homburg]

my dommy side is taking over!! does a switch have dual personalities?!! Just a thought

Only inasmuch as a coin has two sides.

 

[The_Fool]

Only in your mind could we go from me complimenting your poetry critiquieness to you being a mollusk dildo. And you know--hint hint--I've never seen a mollusk dildo poem here, like a sonnet or somethin.

Sonnets are the sign of the devil. Sestinas are a symptom of demonic possession.

And I could see Carrie writing a poem about the a dildo shaped like an object that really gets her off. A Mini Cooper.

 

[Angeline]

Sonnets are the sign of the devil. Sestinas are a symptom of demonic possession.

And I could see Carrie writing a poem about the a dildo shaped like an object that really gets her off. A Mini Cooper.

Sonnets are a sign, sestinas are symptoms. Such a poet you are.

 

[arielsgoddess]

Hey I feel the same way about cold showers--

I'm sure that the 'great masters' that wrote entire books of sonnets, sestinas, pantoums, etc--were so OCD that you could keep them busy all day by splattering a little Hershey syrup on their French cuffs or seriously screw with their minds by tilting everything in their house by a few degrees to the left. Not that I would ever do that. And certainly not leave fingerprints if I did!

 

[Angeline]

I'm sure that the 'great masters' that wrote entire books of sonnets, sestinas, pantoums, etc--were so OCD that you could keep them busy all day by splattering a little Hershey syrup on their French cuffs or seriously screw with their minds by tilting everything in their house by a few degrees to the left. Not that I would ever do that. And certainly not leave fingerprints if I did!

I like good form poetry and I've written a lot of it. I know a few people here (and you know who you are lol) really disagree, but I believe form teaches discipline, helps one learn the kind of self-editing one must do to progress as a poet. Having said that, writing in form can get old fast. I can't imagine writing nothing but form poems or even mostly form. It does feel OCD and the greatest danger, imo, is you get so hung up on rhyme or meter or word position that you lose touch with the mysterious but true muse that always steers you in the right direction.

I got sick of the Survivor Challenge right quick because of all the damn rules. Hah, I hold Lauren directly responsible!

I think my best free-verse stuff has def been improved by my practicing form poetry.

 

[Homburg]

I believe form teaches discipline, helps one learn the kind of self-editing one must do to progress as a poet. Having said that, writing in form can get old fast. I can't imagine writing nothing but form poems or even mostly form.

I'm writing a character in a game I'm running that has a bit of a mental issue. Part of it is that he only communicates in rhyme.

AA
BB
AA
BB

CC
DD
CC
DD

Etc.

It is giving ME a mental issue.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I'm writing a character in a game I'm running that has a bit of a mental issue. Part of it is that he only communicates in rhyme.

AA
BB
AA
BB

CC
DD
CC
DD

Etc.

It is giving ME a mental issue.

A rhyming talking cock lol?

 

[EroticOrogeny]

I like good form poetry and I've written a lot of it. I know a few people here (and you know who you are lol) really disagree, but I believe form teaches discipline, helps one learn the kind of self-editing one must do to progress as a poet. Having said that, writing in form can get old fast. I can't imagine writing nothing but form poems or even mostly form. It does feel OCD and the greatest danger, imo, is you get so hung up on rhyme or meter or word position that you lose touch with the mysterious but true muse that always steers you in the right direction.

I got sick of the Survivor Challenge right quick because of all the damn rules. Hah, I hold Lauren directly responsible!

I think my best free-verse stuff has def been improved by my practicing form poetry.

I pretty much agree. Form has helped me (I still have a ways to go). Sometimes think in rhyme (for me alliteration is natural & perhaps addictive) and hope that iambs mostly fall out naturally (but I hate adding 'fill' words to make the meter).
I haven't done all of the forms yet, but its the combination with the triggers that's a killer with the Survivor Challenge - we got some poet's choice for the forms, but none on the triggers

 

[Homburg]

A rhyming talking cock lol?

That would truly hurt my head

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I pretty much agree. Form has helped me (I still have a ways to go). Sometimes think in rhyme (for me alliteration is natural & perhaps addictive) and hope that iambs mostly fall out naturally (but I hate adding 'fill' words to make the meter).
I haven't done all of the forms yet, but its the combination with the triggers that's a killer with the Survivor Challenge - we got some poet's choice for the forms, but none on the triggers

Angeline being a jazzy type person can 'hear' the rhythms of iambs whereas they slip right by me and off the page! I like both forms and free verse equally I think which is rather a revelation for me because when I first came here everything rhymed, but through trial an error (a lot of that!) I've found that I can at times be poetic just by pouring everything out onto the page whether it rhymes or not. I'm not hot on editting ...... if it wasn't right the first time then it can slip into oblivion I don't want it back!

 

[arielsgoddess]

That would be a Foolism--

The_Fool has a quote, something like once you write something and put it out there it belongs to everyone else--very zen. But then he also is very analytical, so maybe it's just his prophylactic to prevent OCD editing of his own work--

 

[poetedge5455]

Very Nice

Nice atmosphere. Good job communicating the sensual details. Overall it works well.

A few things to nitpick. Might be the years of proofreading overriding the poet in me but verse two first line jarred me. Hens lay, people lie. Poetic licence give you a get out of jail free card here, but consider the pitch of the line as is. Ee, the highest pitch, to ay, (middle C, just about).
If you use lying, it is ee to eye, a step down from ay. It almost sounds like a stretching yawn.
Eeee-eye-inn. The rest of the verse is great pitch was, all the short i's after you mention the scraping are perfectly hissy.

Verse three lines 3,4. Inadvertent rhyme is jarring. I would suggest ' tension lays hands'
But you have to weigh what that does to the next use of hands in the follwing verse. Also, laying hands has the religious connotation, and works against tension. Not sure if the paradox works. I do know the rhyme doesn't since it is the solitary instance of it.

The rest is exquisite right through to the last two lines, which I think need tweaking. I think you need to find a substitute for 'form'. Beats me what, though. And the last line should be

To hope for tonight.

We already know who is hoping. I am also a little concerned about all those t's at the end. LefT, To, TonighT. But it's not that bad.

This made me want to find more of your work.

Peace and blessings

Your touch lingers
Like tangles of spiderwebs
Every move across the bed
Whispers of madness
Coming from the sheets

Sleeplessly laying in
The shadow of our past
Memories of your voice
Scraping and knocking
Like treebranches on a window
Disturbing during a storm
Ominous in this silence

No heart to be found
Repeating for another
As tension draws lines
Icy and rigid in my spine
Roaring surf of nothingness
As ears strain painfully
For familiar footfalls
That echo here no more

Raspy breaths seek the scents
Of your aura on this pillow
Fingers numb past aching
From wrapping around air
Even dreams are empty husks
But eventually darkness comes
Mercy the only form of love left
For me to hope for tonight