Desultory and Impulsive

[y=mx+b]

Liquefaction

She couldn't see him
But she knew he was there

Somewhere

Somewhere behind the disgustingly old, fat, naked men
That surrounded her
Masturbating to her naked body

She imagined him
Dressed how he said he would be

In a suit
Tie
Cufflinks

Shoes
Sharp
Leather--like salted butter and fuck.

The fat men

She hated them.
She wasn't there for them.

She was there for him
She was posing for him
She was masturbating
And exposing her open asshole
To the grand-baby daddy-boys for him

Because he wanted her to

One of the men that surrounded her she recognized
He rode the same bus as her
She even sat next to him once

There was a faint smell of cat piss and unwashed underwear about him
She felt sorry for him.
He was always alone
He would sit in the library
Alone
And eat his sack lunch
Alone

She watched him eat one day
People walked by him as if he wasn't there
But he was all too aware that they were there
He shifted nervously

She marveled at how his hand was able to hold the apple as he ate it
Short fat stubby little fingers surrounding a fleshy sweaty palm

She never so much made eye contact with him
That didn't stop him from caressing the side of her breast as she sat next to him unable to escape due to the Isle being full of standing commuters.

She brushed his hand away and he stopped for a little bit
But she soon felt it once again
Slowly
Lightly making its way across the side swell of her breast
She tried crossing her arms but with all her books, she had no room
All she could do was sit there as his fat little finger found the nipple she so dearly wished wasn't there.

Once is finger found it
So did his thumb

And they latched onto it
Twisting and tugging it and testing it

The novice carelessness of it all
She was certain she was his first breast he had ever touched
And there was nothing nice about it
She wasn't just being sexually assaulted she was being physically beaten
Right there surrounded by people

Why didn't anyone stop him?
Why didn't she scream out or make a scene?
Why didn't she fight back?
Why did he have to be so mean to her?

And why did she get so wet
Why did she masturbate to the experience remembered

And why
Try as they might and given explicit instructions on how

--couldn't any of her lovers
give back to her body
the control he took away?​

And there she was
Getting wet for him again
Matching his pace
Twisting and pinching and tugging her nipple so fucking hard
Feeling her fucksnot of self hate coat her winking asshole
Hating herself all the more
For wanting to bathe the stale piss stench and crusty nocturnal ejaculate
Out from behind his balls
With her face



Why was he doing this to her?
How did he know about this guy?
Did he know about this guy?
Or any of the others who all looked mildly familiar to her

Grounds keepers
A janitor that said hello to her
The 3rd shift gas station attendant she once saw one late night out with friends

All of them except the one... married
Married and hard for her
Wanting to cum on her
Wanting to breed her with all what was left inside of them
Milky white watery semen wanting to be up inside her
On her face
In her ear
Up her nose
Sperm burning her eyeball
Trying to penetrate it as if it were one large egg needing to be fertilized
Millions upon millions of tiny whipping tails beating across her cornea
Making their way up her tear ducts
Every one of them trying to enter into her
All of them
...part of each man

Wanting her

to help them
all feel whole
once again.​

.

 

[LizzieEr]

...

Every one of them trying to enter into her
All of them
...part of each man

Wanting her

to help them
all feel whole
once again.​

.

This makes me wonder what will make her feel whole again
and if it is in her power to take back the control he took from her.
And it makes me wonder if the man watching likes her broken or
is this him watching her take back the control
And healing...

 

[y=mx+b]

Because having moved up north has apparently "rubbed off" on me. A narrow minded assumption from a prestigiously educated friend.

Not that this justifies or provides an excuse of course

 

[y=mx+b]

This makes me wonder what will make her feel whole again
and if it is in her power to take back the control he took from her.
And it makes me wonder if the man watching likes her broken or
is this him watching her take back the control
And healing...

All good questions.

She hasn't spoken to me as to what she may think might make her feel whole again. I will ponder this as I lay and wait for sleep to take me.

As far as having the power to take back the control she lost to the guy on the bus? Fuck yes she does. How do I know this? Because women are fucking resilient. It's bizarre. 50 year old man has a heart attack? Dead. 70 year old woman has a heart attack? Playing cards with the ladies 3 days later.

Also... consider the kind of abuse submissive/masochistic women sign up for versus that of submissive/masochistic men do in bdsm porn. Granted I have not delved all that far into the depths of FemDom blah d' dah but I've yet to see the male equivalent of this.


Now... all that said I wish to talk to the assholes out there for a second.


Okay asshole listen
Sure women may be freakishly resilient
This possible fact does not give you the green light to do as you fucking please

Don't be stupid
You are not entitled
And if at any point in your existence you believe to be so entitled?
Figure out a way to work up the kind of courage it takes
To take the jagged edge of a broken beer bottle

And shove it into your eyeball.​

I'm off to bed now. If I wake up at the usual bullshit hour of 3am/4am I'll go about answering the last to questions.

 

[y=mx+b]

The man clearly likes her broken
And he likes breaking her
He likes breaking her intimately
Intricately

He likes her shaking in fear
And lust
And hate

Watching her intelligence
And physical strength
Corrode into frustration
And impotent seething hot rage



He likes it

Because he knows




He knows how alone she felt
When she was first forced to feel those things

And he knows how abandoned she felt afterwards


And he knew how she wanted someone to bring all these things to her front door like a retriever, and drop them at her feet and never leave her and never interfere and to let things go when she's had enough and chase them back down when he knew she was ready and chase them away when he knew she wasn't

Because he knew how capable she was
In taking back the control she lost
And in the healing of herself
Just by being there
Doing nothing

--except watch it happen.

 

[y=mx+b]

Intermission

 

[y=mx+b]

 

[xSleepingBeauty]

YES!!!

 

[rubydlite]

Fuck...

 

[Wife of Bath]

The man clearly likes her broken
And he likes breaking her
He likes breaking her intimately
Intricately

He likes her shaking in fear
And lust
And hate

Watching her intelligence
And physical strength
Corrode into frustration
And impotent seething hot rage



He likes it

Because he knows




He knows how alone she felt
When she was first forced to feel those things

And he knows how abandoned she felt afterwards


And he knew how she wanted someone to bring all these things to her front door like a retriever, and drop them at her feet and never leave her and never interfere and to let things go when she's had enough and chase them back down when he knew she was ready and chase them away when he knew she wasn't

Because he knew how capable she was
In taking back the control she lost
And in the healing of herself
Just by being there
Doing nothing

--except watch it happen.

 

[y=mx+b]

 

[LizzieEr]

Oh my goodness.
This is glorious

... and thank you.​

 

[y=mx+b]

YES!!!

How often and for how long?

Fuck...

Gladly. As long as you don't hold back.

Oh my goodness.
This is glorious

... and thank you.​

You are welcome.

 

[y=mx+b]

http://68.media.tumblr.com/3ce3046883cc728ffd3828b92370663f/tumblr_ohu3zy56Gb1vlv1w6o1_500.gif​

 

[Wife of Bath]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GP1M_DoTBYI

 

[y=mx+b]

Implant

Remember the river?

The memory came about while I quietly caught myself falling asleep while in the bath.
The rippling sound the water made around my body at the sudden alertness to my sleep was like that of your feet stepping tentatively bare along the slow moving shallows.

I'm not going to say that moment was when I fell in love with you
Because I wasn't supposed to
But for all I know
You already knew that I did.

I watched you as you walked .
You pulled all your hair to one side
And held on to it over the front of your shoulder
As if to keep it from getting wet

I loved how you loved it all

Everything was always so new to you
Because everything was always doing new things
And each new thing--a new moment. A new experience.

The smell of rain in the air cooled the otherwise hot day
And I looked down when you turned to look at me

You were always able to read me well enough
Without having to look into my eyes.

 

[y=mx+b]

I wonder if part of the reason why I have so much trouble sleeping is because that.

Because of you.


I wish porn could get rid of all that--you know?
I guess it kind of does.

At least in the beginning

But somewhere in the middle something just happens
And it's interesting because in the beginning it's my mind that wants something to feel good
And my body could really care less. Contented. Unencumbered by emotional memories it need of forgetting--or nostalgically reliving for a moment of reprieve from a contemporary reality.

But then there's a switch. It happens the moment my body gets onboard.

A slow realization that none of what I am doing is real. What I am seeing is not you. And what I am feeling is not us.

And so I switch channels. Another porn clip hoping it will be something closer to what I wished was. Another story. Something harder. Something violent. Something that I think that you would like. And there's always so much and I begin to think "next time...", "next time..." "next time...".

And I'm nowhere near us anymore
All I'm doing is shopping for things for a chance that may never happen

And I'm left empty.


An all too familiar experience triggering yet another contemporary reality that I wish I could escape from--back to feeling you looking at me and knowing that I would.

 

[raindancer]

Haunting. Beautiful.

 

[y=mx+b]

This is something I have tried writing a number of times
Only to find myself deleting each attempt for it's very own reason.

It is a moment with her that; for me, is highly intimate
And I can't explain why

And it's an odd kind of intimate that combines beauty, love, and what i can best described as a clinical fascination of the human body.

For whatever reason I find myself feeling embarrassed discussing it which makes me feel all the more foolish about it because there really is no reason.

I think the embarrassment comes from having failed to wax poetically on and on about it ad nausea

But whatever.

Ready?

Okay. Here we go.







Fuck...
Fuck it.

I like how her teeth feel as I slide my thumb across the top edge of them.
Each one
It's own tiny little blade.

The very first time I slid my thumb into her mouth
She sucked it
Which fuckall feels fucking awesome
--unbelievably so

But the last time...
The last time she kept her jaw slack
Her tongue relaxed
And her lips soft

She just sat there looking up at me
As I slid my thumb all along her teeth
Each one.
All along the front of them
Along the top edge
And behind them as best I could

They are so small
And pretty

And straight.

My teeth are not
They not need be.

Not any more.

Hers are... elegantly child-like
I felt an overwhelming sense of wanting to take care of her
And make sure she felt pretty--always
Her dark bright eyes looking at me as my touch studied her....

I miss her.

I do and it's stupid
And I hate how I tear up saying so.
And how all this came about by telling you about her teeth

The hard soft wetness of her mouth

The closest I can get to caressing her skeleton
The frame of which carries her so well.

 

[Wife of Bath]

be still my heart.

 

[y=mx+b]

But my fingers remember so much more then that

Tracing the curve of her earlobe
From temple to jaw
And how her jaw gave way to the outer edge of her neck

The way she tilted her head
Exposing more of herself for me to feel
Granting me access to study her further
Making note of how I moved
Moved her


Write
Delete

Write
Delete

Write
Delete

Write
Delete

Write
Delete


Just fucking write goddammit!

I can't continue on like this.
I'm throwing the scripts I wanted so badly to believe I had
Up into the air.

Ladies and gentlemen we are about to enter into the realm of hyper stream-of-consciousness.
I make no promises

But something good or embarrassingly horrible is about to happen.

 

[y=mx+b]

Stand
A little
Walk a lot
Just to stand and stand and watch and look and walk on and over and over
And moving on

On to green
A world of thinking of a new empty everything
To cloud the thoughts and memories of what was once thought of as true

As real


As real as the pain everything based on nothing makes us feel...

 

[Massive Grooves]

and those who watch reality television are praying for something embarrassingly horrible

 

[y=mx+b]

Feeling of where you are
And of not what you are doing

There is a cigarette smoking somewhere

A real one
The kind that holds onto the analog of what is meaningful
Of what cannot be magically deleted
The kind that causes the kind of cancer we wish to never feel

That of doubt
And distrust

That of a sharp knife with a chip taken out of its edge...

 

[y=mx+b]

and those who watch reality television are praying for something embarrassingly horrible

I love this

This is gold.