Desultory and Impulsive

[y=mx+b]

True...

I do hope it is done in curiosity rather than animosity.

Kinda like one of those formal party scenes in a movie.
I just finished holding court and everyone is back to mingling. The brass band is playing a slow standard but the lights have yet to dim.

She walks into the room
My back is turned
Someone drops the ladle into the punch bowl
I turn
She is gorgeous
The band plays softer as everyone looks to her
Then to me
Then to her
Then to me

Some begin to feel a slight unease
As though they are intruding

Others do what they can to exit
Grabbing tissue out of their purses and clutches
Using their shoulder to abruptly open the door out into a dark humid night, the ground wet from a rain just ended

Still others stay to watch


And it all can go so many ways...

A quiet battle of attrition ending with her own haste exit
Me wanting to give chase
Knowing that if I do I justify her reason for leaving
And if I don't--I am left to feel so many eyes of odd interest and admiration now fall upon me in admonishment

 

[raindancer]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/2f/3d/29/2f3d29224e7bed86f9c54fe974d0d409.jpg

 

[xSleepingBeauty]

I do hope it is done in curiosity rather than animosity.

Kinda like one of those formal party scenes in a movie.
I just finished holding court and everyone is back to mingling. The brass band is playing a slow standard but the lights have yet to dim.

She walks into the room
My back is turned
Someone drops the ladle into the punch bowl
I turn
She is gorgeous
The band plays softer as everyone looks to her
Then to me
Then to her
Then to me

Some begin to feel a slight unease
As though they are intruding

Others do what they can to exit
Grabbing tissue out of their purses and clutches
Using their shoulder to abruptly open the door out into a dark humid night, the ground wet from a rain just ended

Still others stay to watch


And it all can go so many ways...

A quiet battle of attrition ending with her own haste exit
Me wanting to give chase
Knowing that if I do I justify her reason for leaving
And if I don't--I am left to feel so many eyes of odd interest and admiration now fall upon me in admonishment

Never animosity. Intrigue.

 

[y=mx+b]

The place just wasn't my kind of pace.

 

[raindancer]

I am spending the night with your tumblr.

 

[y=mx+b]

We often meet in my mind
Often it is while I am walking around the property

Today it was while I walked by a young grove of pine trees
The fluffy long needled kind

I took her back between the trees
Hidden from the world
And it's troubles
And our troubles

I fingered her.

 

[y=mx+b]

I kissed her while I fingered her

I wanted to bring her back
Back to how I wanted our first time to be like

Back when we weren't with each other
But were--then

In my mind.

 

[y=mx+b]

At some point in my life I would like to wake up...

...and not first think- "fuck" -to myself, in a sense of dread.

 

[y=mx+b]

I am awake

And I have nothing to write to attract
Nothing to say

Which is a shame because I got your attention

Well... Seeing how you are here, how are you doing?
Everything okay?

Yeah... I really don't give a shit

For my sake I hope that you are miserable
And long for me to get back to writing about rape
Or dominating someone much like how you would like to be

Even if how you like to be
Isn't something you're comfortable to admit

I'm all out of ideas

That said... I sure would like to slap a woman across the face
I'd like to do so in such a way that the capillaries in her eye burst open
As if I punched her.

Not really.

I'd never do that to a woman

But I would do it to a woman shaped thing
You know... Something...

Something less-than
Something with something inside her
That needs me to crush
And made felt physical.

 

[y=mx+b]

Currently taking the hottest bath I had ever taken.

 

[y=mx+b]

I was going to bitch about being old
But I got to thinking
Women older than me don't give a shit and don't want to hear it
...and girls--all they think about is sex


The pool of empathy is shallow.


And really... I don't even want to fucking hear it.
All I wish to do is sit here reclined back in my chair
And finish my orange soda.

 

[y=mx+b]

I wanted to tell her "shhh"
But I wanted to do it in such a way
That... didn't so much get her excited
But rather got her to feel as though
We were about to do something
We weren't supposed to

You see
...I've gone on missing her

Everything I've said
Everything I've written
Had just...

It had just missed the mark.


The "mark"
Being her heart of course.


But I didn't know how to do it.


I don't know how to do it.


I have so little
Where she is used to so much

Yes--they say "it's the little things"
And perhaps it is

But the little things...
They only offer so much for so long.

Security and satiation
Are not the result of "the little things"

At best "the little things" are only able to offer quaint novelty
And nostalgic memory.

And that's why when I tell her "shhh..."
I have to do so in such a way
That my lips
Just touch her ear
As they would her neck


Softly.

 

[Icy1]

This made me wonder.
Maybe it's not the little things that matter.
Or the big things.
Maybe what matters is both needing and wanting the same things.

 

[y=mx+b]

I was wistfully looking at her photo while on break today
Thinking thoughts I often think

If only I had held out
If only I blah blah blah....

Because I love her

But as I got to thinking
My thoughts changed and I realized
That had I, and had we met sooner in my life...



She would have broken my heart

It would have sucked


But then I thought what a crock of shit that was because I was comparing her younger self, and her younger ways with my older self and my older ways

Which, to momentarily reflect upon that--I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that right at this moment. So I will address it later

Back to what I was thinking about before I got to thinking about.

So yeah. A crock of shit. Very dickish of me.

Truth be told.
I would have pissed her off and we'd fight and break up and I would hold a grudge and hate her well into my old age.

My younger self was a monumental dick.

Said it once
I'll say it again

This thought is over.

 

[y=mx+b]

This made me wonder.
Maybe it's not the little things that matter.
Or the big things.
Maybe what matters is both needing and wanting the same things.

This has pleasantly vexed me all day ever since I read it this morning.

I keep finding myself feeling as though I'm about to raise my hand to say "yes but..." only to find I have nothing to follow it with.

Well done

 

[y=mx+b]

...of course my older self is just as much a dick.

I wonder why my older self feels as though her younger self would break my heart
It's not like I'm all the more delicate than I was.

 

[y=mx+b]

That's not entirely true

I'm more delicate in many ways
Mostly in the awareness that I have zero control over anything.


Luxey is dead
She joined lit a year after me
And though others were closer
We were still fundamentally in the same "lit. grade"
So it's like learning a classmate has died.

What's interesting about age and death
The older you get
The more seriously real it becomes

This isn't to say the loss of life is any less tragic the younger you are.
No. Not at all.

Like everyone else I've lost friends in my teens, twenties and thirties to accidents, suicides, and natural causes. My dad died when I was a child so.... fuck it right? I'm alive, I'm winning!

But then... and then they are gone. All of them. The movies of their lives---the one you were in some way a part of----over. It's over. Done.

And yours continues--with one less cast member.

 

[y=mx+b]

Jerked-off, fell asleep, woke up.

Well that was a great fucking nap

So now.... more words.


My drive to work is a rural one. Along the way I stop at an intersection where I turn left. At this intersection across the way there is this farm that has a wooden fence the owners decorate.

Recently they put up the dumbest question a human could possibly ask--in my opinion. The question? What would Jesus do?

There are only two correct answers. Get pissed and break shit (or) Run-away

Any other answer is motherfucking wrong. Go fuck yourself if you feel otherwise.

I know you fuckhead sensitive religious types are all being fucking stupid about this right now and want to school me about your bullshit. Fuck you. You are on a forum for a website that features rape, incest and a lot of other things. Not only that but you are on my thread in said forum so fucking shut it you stupid worthless fuck. Go hate yourself, slit your wrists and write my name in blood on the bathroom walls.


.

Same goes for you fuckers tempted to post one of those memes of a Hispanic man named Jesus answering the question. That shit was funny the first time around. After that--not so much. So spare me feeling embarrassed for you unoriginal fuckvoids.

 

[y=mx+b]

Smoke drifts lazily through the air
Like a relaxed cat

 

[y=mx+b]

I took her out to dinner tonight

She beamed when I asked if she would like to go out
We don't really go out
Not to dinner

We run errands
Go grocery shopping
That kind of stuff

It was nice

She's strikingly beautiful
Men are attracted to her in such a way that captivates me

Because I see it. I see why. I was the first to see why so long ago.

She is home

 

[y=mx+b]

I love how the sound she makes when I first slide in her sounds as though it really really feels good to her.

 

[y=mx+b]

Unable to sleep
I am currently sitting in the living room

This is going to be everywhere and go nowhere

I kinda painted her in bad light last night
For this I am sorry

I confess... I know women have a thing for masculine hands that look as though they've never seen the inside a velvet glove--but I kinda like the idea of having one of those brain-type jobs that don't require much of anything but thinking and telling others how they could do their job I know nothing about--better.

Not really.

No one likes those people.


That said... They really don't get much credit beyond their inflated paychecks. The world needs smart people to tell capable people what to do.


I think I had another thought on the subject but I'm pretty sure I let it go




Yeah... The thought is gone.

Sorry.

 

[y=mx+b]

Fuck that.

I'm not sorry at all.

Misery loves company.
Enjoy your sleepless night of wondering what my thought may have been.

 

[y=mx+b]

It was a pretty good thought too.

 

[y=mx+b]

Here's a hint...