Dirty Jokes

[jfinn]

The truth is that they're seeded onto our planet by aliens, as part of their psychological studies of our puny species. They want to know why we think a man who wears his scrotum for a bowtie* is funny, but Michael Jackson isn't.


---dr.M.

* See "Doc, Doc, ya gotta help me!" Jokes: The Man Who Lost Too Much Weight Too Fast And Had To Massage All His Loose Skin Up To The Top Of Hi s Head And Tie It In A Knot

Thanks for clearing that up, I always wondered...

Jayne

 

[DurtGurl]

Has anyone heard any good dirty jokes lately? I need a fix and haven't heard anything in a long time.---dr.M.

I don't suppose "Rastus and Liza" jokes would be appropriate here.
MG

 

[Just_John1]

THe nun in the airport in Atlanta

A nun goes into the airport in Atlanta about 45 minutes early for her flight to Chicago. She checked her bags and got her boarding pass and went to the terminal to wait for her flight. As she was sitting there, she noticed a penny weigh machine in the terminal across from her, the kind that you put a penny in and it gives you your fortune. She figures what the heck I've got some time I'll try it.

She walks over and puts a penny in and it spits out a small peice of paper that says "You're a nun, you're 5'4" tall you are booked on flight 502 to chicago and you will soon have a musical experience."

She thinks; "no way they kicked me out of the chorus because I can't even sing. As she turns to step off the machine this feeling rushes over her and she bumps into a fiddle player from a southern rock band that happens to be walking by. He drops his fiddle case which, when it hits the floor pops open and she picks it up and plays a burning fiddle tune. As she finishes she puts the fiddle back gives it back to the stunned fiddle player and resumes her seat.

She sits there for a moment or two eyeing this machine and figures what the heck, it was right once she had to try it again.

As the piece of paper comes out it says; "You are a nun, You are 5'4" tall You are booked on flight 502 to chicago and you shall soon pass gas" She thinks there's no way this time I have never farted in my life! again as she turns to step off the machine she feels this sensation, her stomach bloats and she farts so loud people turn to stare. She is absolutely mortified and she rushes off to the ladies room to hide.

A short time later she returns to her seat and again eyes this machine. Its been right twice and she decided she HAD to try it one more time. As the piece of paper comes out she is mortified to read; " You are a nun, You are 5'4" tall You are booked on flight 502 to Chicago and You shall soon have a sexual experience."

She was so freaked she again rushed back to the ladies room to hide. The woman doing her make up in the mirror finished and left and the woman that was in the stall turns out to be a guy in drag. The feeling returns rushing over her and she throws the guy up on the counter and has her way with him right there...

After she dragged her clothes back on and staggered back up the terminal to once again drop exhausted into her seat she continued to eye this machine. She finally decided she absolutely HAD to try it ONE MORE TIME. As the piece of paper came out and she read it she was mortified to read


"You are a nun, You are 5'4" tall and you fiddled, farted and fucked around so long you've missed flight 502 to chicago!"

 

[Guest]

You people crack me up. Thanks for the laughs. Someone sent me this once.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign, which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

 

[TheEarl]

A young Catholic priest gets on a long haul flight and discovers that he's been seated next to the Pope, who is doing a crossword. The young priest is really excited and thinks, "I'm good at crosswords. Maybe the Pope will get stuck and he'll ask for my help."

Almost immediately the Pope turns to him and asks, "Excuse me, can think of the answer for 'Referring to a woman.' Four letters, ending in U-N-T."

The priest thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that!" and racks his brains for an alternative answer. Finally he turns to the Pope triumphantly and announces, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Ah, yes, of course," the Pope says. "Umm...I don't suppose you have any Tippex do you?"

The Earl

 

[Erlikkhan]

Okay, if priests and nuns are the flavor of the day here's mine.

A Bishop, Priest and Curat were in line to buy tickets on a flight to Pittsburgh. The Curat, being the youngest, was chosen to do the purchase. When they reached the counter there was a beautiful young lady very well endowed and practically falling out of her top. The young Curat became tongue-tied.

"Um... uh... ma'am we'd like three tickets to... um... Tits-burgh."

He was quite embarrassed. The Priest pushed him aside. His eyes widened when her saw her cleavage, but he tried to maintain his composure.

“Ma’am, you’ll have to forgive my young colleague. We want three tickets to Pittsburgh. And could we please have our change given to us in NIPPLES and dimes.”

Well the impatient Bishop pushed the Priest away and decided to take charge himself.

“Ma’am, we want three tickets to Pittsburgh and we want our change in nickels and dimes. And ma’am, if you keep exposing yourself so shamelessly, when you die and go before the pearly gates old St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you!”

 

[MathGirl]

St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you!”

And don't forget the big peter pull at St Taffey's.
MG

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Damn it Earl! What's 'Tippex'???


Okay: not very dirty, but semi-religious

A Mohel (pr. 'moil') is the man who does the cutting during a Jewish circumcision (he may or may not be a rabbi)

So a man catches the bus every day outside of a shop. In the window is a beautiful clock standing on a velvet pedestal, but the clock is apparently not running.

Day after day he catches his bus there. The window display never changes: always the clock on the pedestal, not running.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, and he goes into the shop. An old man comes out of the back.

"Excuse me, but what kind of shop is this?" he asks the old man.

"This shop?" the old man answers. "I'm a mohel. I do circumcisions."

"I see. Well then, why the clock in the window?"

"Tell me Mister," the guy says. "If you were a mohel, what would you put in the window?"


---dr.M.


Wait, wait! Hey, what's the square root of 69?





(Eight something)

 

[Guest]

Thanks, Doc, I was to embarrassed to ask about Tippex.

"I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty."
- John Waters

Perdita

 

[oggbashan]

Tippex

Tippex is a trade name for a white paint on error obliteration liquid. It is almost impossible to remove from clothing.

When dry it can be typed over - if you applied it correctly. If not it forms a lump on the paper that would jam in the typewriter and smear all over the platen.

Thank goodness for wordprocessors and spellcheckers. Tippex is becoming obsolete except for children's homework.

Og

 

[TheEarl]

Damn it Earl! What's 'Tippex'???

I'm not entirely sure whether you're being sarky there, so I'm not sure whether to answer.

What happened to the short-sighted circumcisor?
He got the sack.

Lowering the tone,

The Earl

 

[oggbashan]

Do not spill Tippex on the private parts.

It is very difficult to remove.

Experto crede.

Og

 

[TheEarl]

I always find that Experientia docet stultos.

The Earl

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: Tippex

Tippex is a trade name for a white paint on error obliteration liquid. It is almost impossible to remove from clothing.

Most commonly known as Whiteout(tm) or Liguid Paper(tm) in the US.

A priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other other on a commuter flight.

The plane hits an air pocket or downdraft, and drops a few hundered feet in just a few seconds.

After the pilot regains control, the priest notices th rabbi touch his face, abdomen, left breast and right breast in quick succession.

"Excuse me, Rabbi, but I didn't know your faith made the sign of the cross."

"What sign of the cross? I was taking inventory." The Rabbi repeats the motions slowly saying, "Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet, and Watch."

 

[Guest]

How 'bout naughty limericks?

in keeping the clergy theme . . .

There was an old abbess quite shocked,
to find nuns where the candles were locked.
Said the abbess, "You nuns,
Should behave more like guns,
And never go off 'til you're cocked!"

 

[oggbashan]

Limericks

A sportive young queer from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
Said she "Before starting, dear,
Let's make it quite clear -
Who does it, with what and to whom?"

Og

 

[TheEarl]

And on the theme of religion:

A Man Utd (substitute team which is hated by all and sundry in your country here) fan dies on match day and rises up to heaven in his Man U shirt, scarf, bobble hat, etc.

When he reaches the pearly gates though, St Peter steps forward and says, "Whoah, where do you think you're going?"

The Man U supporter says, "I'm going into heaven."

"There's no Man U supporters allowed in heaven."

The Man U fan is shocked. "But I've lead a good life. I deserve to go to heaven."

"What have you done that would deserve going into heaven then?" St Peter asks.

"Just last week I gave a tenner to Oxfam."

"Yeah, what else."

"And the week before that I gave a tenner to the RSPCA."

"Go on."

"And the week before that I gave a tenner to Comic Relief."

St Peter thinks about this for a second, then says "All right, wait there. I'll go and have a word with God and see what he says."

A few minutes later St Peter returns and says, "I've had a word with the big fella and we're both agreed. Here's your 30 quid back, now piss off."

The Earl

 

[oggbashan]

Not me.

There is a old man from Kent
whose penis is twisted and bent
He tried and he tried
To deflower his bride
But instead of cumming, he went.

Og

 

[MathGirl]

There was a young pirate names Bates,
Who did the fandango on skates,
But he fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

 

[MathGirl]

Oops, forgot something

That naughty old Sappho of Greece,
Said, "What I prefer to a piece,
Is to have my pudenda,
Massaged by the tenda,
Pink tongue of my favorite niece."

 

[Guest]

There was a young man of Madras,
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
When jangled together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

 

[Guest]

There was a young man of Madras,
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
When jangled together
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

____



(Butt slut.)

 

[Guest]

Okay - last one -

There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venis
His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than

t
h
i
s
.

 

[Guest]

(Butt slut.)

Your point?












I mean, it takes one to know one!!

 

[oggbashan]

There is an old man from near Dover
Who thinks as a writer he's in clover
His prose is just awful
His poetry's a jawful
His stories go on and on and on and on till you shout "Over!"