Discussion: sweetnpetite

[sweetnpetite]

Re: hopefully contructive crit.

To sweetnpetite:



now stretched longer than I ever imagined it could,
unreal; presumably you’ve fucked plenty; how could his dick suddenly actually be longer, even in your imagination? Wouldn’t you be disappointed to see it wasn’t? Also simply trite.

My mouth was crammed full of leather and fabric
untrue; your mouth is full of your panties, presumably the belt simply goes over your mouth; an uncomfortable image to take in intelligibly.

Thank you for your many helpful comments. Yes it was very constructive. I will be taking them into consideration when I re-write. I just wanted to comment on these two.

As has been pointed out, you can have panties and leather in your mouth. Maybe I should be more descriptive to show how this is possible. The belt is a thin to medium thickness, mouth is wide open, tightened to the point that it presses past the lips.

Now about the part about being "stretched longer." Haven't you ever noticed that men (or I should say one man) have different levels of hardness? Sometimes they do seem to stretch bigger than usual. (Somebody back me up on this so I don't think I'm crazy, please)

 

[sweetnpetite]

I'm going to reply to a few of these, sorry if my reply style is off. I'll do the best I can.

Hello sweetnpetite,

I read both versions, but I will comment on the variation version. To be honest beyond the second version being a better read, I couldn't spot much difference.

You know this story puts a whole new meaning on the words 'cock teaser' doesn't it? Personally, I didn’t think you needed to include the phone call from your friend. I think it would have worked just as well with your boyfriend working at the computer, but hey that's just me. No wait, I just had a better idea. How about her friend talking to her about her sex life. You know maybe she could have had guy dramas because he/she wasn't getting enough sex, or the right sex, or any sex!

***I have to admit, I don't like this sort of thing in stories either. But some people do, so I figured what the hell. If nothing else it draws out the tease. I felt it would build more tention than glossing over it. Maybe I should mention that I had mixed feelings myslelf, or that I was annoyed, even though I was asking for it (Girls can be so fickle) I don't know about her guy problems being sexual, that's part of the whole thing- its not sexual. Its a serious phone call with very bad timing. Then it changes to the cat, which brings back to mind the problem at hand. but I will consider that maybe it should be changed. I would like to hear other oppinions on this particular aspect of the story.



Adding to the excellent feedback you have already received, this is what else I noted as I read.

I know people say avoid repeating words, especially nouns, in a story, but more than one cock is just fine with me (no smart-ass comments from the guys here either please), as is cum or semen. Dick, prick, jizz and ball juice don’t really do it for me.

But then I think 'but then' is superfluous. I figured the smart thing would just be to sidle up and look with him. That would hopefully give him the right impression impression or message, and get us both warmed up.


****I will take a look at this. The tone is somewhat conversational, so I will have to see if taking out the superfous words changes that significantly.

Then the phone rang.
Again this could be just me, but I don't think you need 'then' here.

Whatever possessed me to answer it instead of letting the machine pick up, I'll never know but it was my best friend with major guy drama and I couldn't ignore that.
I felt this sentence was too long and could have been broken in two. E.g. Whatever possessed me to answer it instead of letting the machine pick up, I'll never know. It was my best friend with major guy drama and I couldn't ignore that.

Had to be there for her what else could I do?
I know it's not good to begin too many sentences with 'I', but simply leaving them off doesn't really work for me. I'm not sure how others readers feel about that one.

But I still had an itch to scratch so I had to keep his attention. I wasn't loosing out tonight- no way.
I realise it's perfectly acceptable in modern writing to begin a sentence with a conjunction, but I think here again it's just not needed.

So I simultaneously began to ignore and tease him.
I had to stop and re-read this, and I'm still not absolutely sure what you mean, and that's not good. Do you perhaps mean you pretend to ignore him, while you teased? I think too simultaneously was the wrong word to use here, but I'm sorry, I don't really know what the right one would be. Maybe it's just not needed.

****I think you might be right about the word choice. I wonder if anybody else has any suggestions for a more fitting word here?

There were some cushions on the floor; I tossed myself across them and hiked my skirt up;
This is a nice and sexy image however, it feels awkward to me. I think it needs simplifying. E.g. I tossed myself across some cushions on the floor and hiked my skirt up.

"Na."
Na, I don't think so. I would have much rather something stronger here. "You know that is impossible my dear." "You jest of course." "No fucking way babe!" ..Ok none of the above, but something stronger anyway.

***Na. It was a brush off, maybe I'll note that in the re-right. Also goes to his demeaner. Perhaps I'll have to expand on that as well.

He immediately came over and slapped me-hard.
Slapped your ass? I guarantee every reader reading your story will want more detail too. Did it leave a handprint? Did it sting? Did you have to stifle a gasp?

I'll definatly work on that.

The pain didn't bother me- it was the loud sharp crack.
I felt this sentence was weak, when so much more detail could have really spiced it up. That dash and then the 'loud sharp crack' just didn't seem to related some how. Mmm… maybe it's just me?

Then I went back to the long hungry lick, enjoying several of those as if he where a quickly melting popsicle.
I loved that metaphor! Do you mind if I use it some time? No not really, but it is a good one. Only again drop that damned 'then". I noticed you used conjunctions to at the start a number of sentences, but I'm not going to make a shopping list of them. Besides others may completely disagree with me on this one.

***Your probably right on this "then." Glad you like the metaphore

I felt the sting of leather on my face. Yes, I liked it..
This is the weirdest thing sweets, and it has nothing to do with your writing per se. I'm right into a little rough and tumble bdsm, but slapping the face is a big turn off for me. Sure I understand everyone's different but bear in mind many people, including bdsmers, don't really like it either.

***Yes I've seen the thread. The narrator isn't 100% on this one either, she's not quite sure, but it did give her a thrill. Perhaps I should re-word it. I think someone who normally *wouldn't* like that sort of thing should be able to relate here.

Ok, about here you get panicky and 'wonder if he will honor your request'. Well why didn't you just take, or spit those panties out of your mouth and say something?

***Wow, you forgot how bound I am! I can't spit the panties out because there tied to me.

Call l me a sick little bunny, but I could really relate to that last line. It was a really nice one to finish on.


***Goodie goddie, I'm glad you liked the end. I guess we're a couple of sick little bunnies!
Overall, I enjoyed your story. It's different and I like that. The sex was hot and easy to follow, and especially like that!

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day sweetnpetite,

Alex(fem).

p.s. Oh and perdita, just a minor point of interest - you can have mouthful of panties and leather if your mouth is open wide. Go on be a little devil - try it tonight! [/B]

 

[sweetnpetite]

I like the idea of refering back to the begining. But I am really in love with the ending that I already have I'll have to see what I can do.

Sweetnpetite,

Both stories were good, IMHO, the variation was better. You did a good job with the extended foreplay in that version, making the eventual sex scenes work even better. The storyline was different and interesting; and for those two things alone I’ll forgive almost any sins of grammar.


***
You’ve gotten two first-rate, line item critiques, so I’m going to focus more on one possible problem. IMHO, your story is more a vignette, the telling of an incident, than it is a “real” story. Writing gurus always claim that “change” is a key ingredient in any story, whether it’s a short piece like yours or a “War and Peace” size monster.


***Change is sometimes important. I think conflict is key. (JMHO) Yes, I think it is a vignette. I'm ok with that

Now ‘cause I like you and think you’re a great human being with some real potential as a writer,

****
I’m going to give away an old secret for dealing with this problem when working in short forms of either fiction or non-fiction. Prepare to take notes.

At the end of the piece, refer back to the beginning. (I didn’t say you’d be taking a lot of notes.)

For instance, in the opening paragraphs, your protag said she was determined not to be outdone by all dem nekkid women her man was looking at on the computer. At the end of the story, when he gets up to shower, you could refer back to that by adding onto the last sentence something like, “I’ve got to get him off that computer more often,” or “Bet he can’t get that from Bill Gates.”

Congratulations of two very nice pieces-of prose, that is. If my bilge wasn’t useful, I hope it wasn’t too tedious. Keep up the good work and let us know (maybe at the Author's Hangout) on how the two versions are doing.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[sweetnpetite]

I think it's the awkward constructions more than anything else. I count six "he" [did this and did that] in as many sentences.

I see the point here. I noticed that when I was reading the quote too.

 

[sweetnpetite]

The only thing that sticks out to me is the weight the different parts of the stories are given. It seems to me that too much emphasis is put on the phone call and not enough on the sex in the bedroom, especially on her feelings about what was happening, but it's pobvious that Sweet felt that the idea of flirting with Rod while she was on the phone to be sexually exciting. It wasn't for me, but that's just my feeling.

---dr.M.

Thank you for your many kind words. I'll check out what you said about the bedroom, especially my feelings. Your definatly right that those should be stressed.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Re: sorry if this is off topic, but sence you mentioned it

Can anyone else "hear" these differences, or can you only "see" error? If its too distracting, I guess I'm in the wrong, but its difficult to write in a way that I don't feel conveys what I'm trying to say. (and I don't feel that descriptive phrases are always the way to go)

In other words, can I legitimatly claim this as a style thing? Or am I just wrong?

There is definitely a difference in the examples you cited. However, there's also a difference between "ugh" "Ugghh" and "Hello," he said, "sexy." and "Hello, sexy," he said.

The first is how you hear it in your head. The reader is not privy to that sound and has no idea that you mean anything different between the two. When I read any sound noises that take up more than four letters, it generally signals to me that the author was trying to lengthen the noise by holding down a key.

I do not recommend you do this.

Here's an example:

"Yesssss!!! Oh, Joe!!! Yesssss!!! I need you!!!! Put it in meeeeee!!!! Put it in meeeeee!!" she whimpered.

Finally he began to drive into her, inundating her with sensations beyond description. She couldn't focus, all she could do was feel unbelievable rapture. Every place something touched her body, an intense input of pleasure resulted. Her hips rocked in time with Joe's slow, insistent thrusts. She felt something different, too. As her hips moved, she became aware there were strange, but delectable, feelings coming from her ass as Joe kept pressing his finger deeper and deeper into her there.

"He's finger-fucking my ass!!!" Helen thought when she finally realized what was happening. It felt so goddamn good! Sparks of delight began to fly between her pillaged openings.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!" Helen babbled, "It's...It's...Oh, God, Joe!!! Oh, God!!! Take meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Take meeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Yesssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!" Her body bucked wildly as the most intense orgasm she'd shared with Joe yet exploded.

"Now!!! Oh, yes!!! Now!!! Take it, baby, take it!!!" Joe cried, erupting into her like a volcano. His free hand grasped her hip, holding her against him as he pumped out his passion.

versus

And then she did scream into the night, loud enough to be overheard by the roaring sounds of the waves as they came crashing into the beach, though dwarfed in the sheer intensity of the orgasm as it pinned her and consumed her. Julie.....hearing this, seeing her, feeling her, soon joined. And just like the Siren's of old, sang their song in unison, a song of legends, enough to make a man go mad....as it did then, so did it now, and one by one, the men joined her. Robert, pumping his semen into the air, watching as it arched out as though it might somehow impossibly reach them, and for a split second, he actually thought it had. Richard too then groaned, and though his own ejaculate wasn't nearly as forceful as it had been earlier, was never-the-less intense, and he too cried out into the night though his own song was quickly swept up and silenced by the magic of the woman's musical song still going on.

After reading the two, which one describes an orgasm better? Which one has better "sound" to it? Which one held better descriptive powers? Which one attracted the reader in you?

The problem with describing sounds is that you really can't reproduce the sound on paper. Little ones, like oohs, ahhs, mmms, and that sort of thing usually translate from the writer's ears to the reader's ears. If you start getting into complicated sounds, then you can't do it because these noises have no generally accepted sound.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

One more thing, directly to Sweetnpetite:

What I myself like most about your writing is exactly the kind of rawness and unpolished feeling that you're in danger of editing out if you follow all of our suggestions. I know you want to improve, but I'd hate to see you lose that lusty nastiness that I like in your stuff. There's too many nice women writers around already. We need more nasties.

I mean, these stories just feel naughty in the way they're told and the style you use. Don't lose that.

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

do keep writing as yourself

I mean, these stories just feel naughty in the way they're told and the style you use. Don't lose that.

Hi again. Yes, he's right. One thing I forget when in editor-mode is the "voice" - what's personal - and you have that. Just take criticism as possible lessons in technique, not even necessarily relevant yet. Keep writing. Best, Perdita

 

[sweetnpetite]

One more thing, directly to Sweetnpetite:

What I myself like most about your writing is exactly the kind of rawness and unpolished feeling that you're in danger of editing out if you follow all of our suggestions. I know you want to improve, but I'd hate to see you lose that lusty nastiness that I like in your stuff. There's too many nice women writers around already. We need more nasties.

I mean, these stories just feel naughty in the way they're told and the style you use. Don't lose that.

---dr.M.

Thank you dr. M. And Perdita as well

 

[sweetnpetite]

Re: Re: sorry if this is off topic, but sence you mentioned it

After reading the two, which one describes an orgasm better? Which one has better "sound" to it? Which one held better descriptive powers? Which one attracted the reader in you?

I have to admit, I like the first one better! Also, while I agree with you about the drawn out and capitolized letters, I usually throw a couple in because I've noticed that despite what other writers say, this teqnique appears on many if not most of the highest rated stories on lit.

My own theory is that some readers click on and scan down to see if the story looks interesting (vs. some who just plunge into the story --I'm one that usually scans the story myslelf.) when they see the capitols, they know they've found the sex.

Crude maybe, but it works. I try not to overdue it.

I also prefer raunchy diologue to flowery description. (maybe its just me and my anorexia- but you can never go wrong underestemating your readers attention span as far as I'm conserned. Even in my regular reading, I often find that I skim much of what is not diologue- especially description- unless I'm very conscientiious about it.

Hopefully my stories are good enough to forgive my judicious use of annoying (but effective) gimmickry.