Do you have sex to feel loved?

[Munachi]

this reminded me of something...

one girl i dated for a while in college thought it was odd that i had to feel an emotional bond with her before i'd sleep with her... i remember we had a whole protracted discussion about it because she just couldn't get a handle on why i felt that way.

just to illustrate that either i'm atypical or it CAN go the other way.

well the guy i have been seeing until i *sniff* had to leave cusco a few days ago, told me i was the first girl he had sex with without already having been going out with her for half a year at least... while i have had a lot of one night stands and short affairs in my life so far, and even in most longer relationships i had sex already quite quickly after first meeting the guy, and have had different fuckbuddies... with him, i had been thinking it was going to be a fb thing as well and it was a bit difficult when i realized that he would never go for that and definitely had something more serious in mind. but then i realized that i feel more for him as well, and well... now i miss him... anyway that is off topic, but i have met lots of guys that wouldn't have sex with someone unless they are in a relationship with them, and on several occasions i have been turned down by guys i hid on because they said they don't do casual sex, or don't do it anymore... so i would say it is quite normal... (unless i am uglier than i think and it were all lies)

 

[HotKittySpank]

I spoon to feel loved.
I have sex because my penis tells me too.
I love to spoon.

That's where I am in life right now. If I need love, I get hugs and kisses. If I need to get off, I have sex. No dick but the bod has the same urges.

 

[HotKittySpank]

Sex without love is just that: sex.

So I agree with you here but, in the context of a long term relationship, where love is a given, I trust in that very deeply, sex for me is just sex. I know the love is there, I don't have to question.

When I was young sex without love was just sex. And, sex with love was all about love and showing my love. Very young and very naive.

 

[M's girl]

We need to put this on a sticky or something for whenever some guy wants to find out how to make his wife want more sex. Great sex has way more to do with what's going on outside the bedroom than maybe some people realize.

Thank you, that was very nice of you to say.
I have noticed that you and I (or is it you and me... I never know...) share the same values and look at life and love the same way most of the times. So do Sweet Erica and Eilan and I feel very fortunate to have found you all here on LIT. I'm leaving out others probably, but you 'guys' are the most apparent to me.

 

[M's girl]

So I agree with you here but, in the context of a long term relationship, where love is a given, I trust in that very deeply, sex for me is just sex. I know the love is there, I don't have to question.

Oh, but I agree... that's why I said "But I don't initiate sex because I need to feel loved every time. Sometimes I'm just horny as hell", or something along those lines (have to find out how to quote from different replies still... )

 

[Eilan]

I have noticed that you and I (or is it you and me... I never know...) share the same values and look at life and love the same way most of the times. So do Sweet Erica and Eilan and I feel very fortunate to have found you all here on LIT. I'm leaving out others probably, but you 'guys' are the most apparent to me.

Aw, shucks. Thanks.

 

[M's girl]

Aw, shucks. Thanks.

back..

 

[SweetErika]

Do men have sex to feel loved?

I think some men do have sex to feel loved. At least I've come across some that have made this assertion. My husband and I went through difficulties similar to the ones Scalywag spoke of a few years ago. We focused on intimacy and still did everything but intercourse. So, the physical needs were satisfied, and that was never an issue. A while into it, my husband commented that he really missed sex. I couldn't understand because I thought it was just physical for men, and that need was being met. He said he missed the closeness of PiV...he felt it was an expression of love for both of us, and he felt a little less loved when we weren't doing it (though he recognized that was just a feeling and not true). After thinking about it, I realized I felt the same...at some point in our relationship, it became more about love, and I wanted to have sex with him so he'd feel that.

I've also met men who have had sex simply to feel accepted and loved. They were kind of misguided like the girl Eilan spoke of...there was something missing in them, and they identified sex as the thing that would fill that void.

Do men feel loved if they have sex?

Again, I think in some cases, yes. I might get some flaming from this, but I see two categories (FWIW, I believe it applies to women, too): (1) The guys who have low self-esteem or feel there's something missing; and (2) The guys who are in loving relationships in which sex is a form of love to them. Both types feel loved when they have sex... they feel special, needed, wanted, but maybe for different reasons.

Do women have sex because they feel loved?

I have trouble having sex if I don't feel loved. At least I need to feel really cared for and believe love will develop fairly soon. So, yes, I'd say when I feel loved, I usually want to have sex. Years ago, I thought I could separate the two effectively and have sex just for the sheer physical pleasure. However, even then, I had problems. Similarly, I had trouble distinguishing the love of sex for the love of ME, or the different types of love, or the difference between desire and sex. The important thing back then was that I felt loved in some way, even if it was for my physical attributes or my friendship. In time, I learned I needed to hear and experience love in order to have sex because anything else felt somewhat empty after the fact.

Do women feel loved if they have sex?

I'm certainly not speaking for women in general, but for me personally, yes. I've always felt loved after sex. But when there really wasn't love on behalf of my partner, the aftermath was bad. Eventually, I recognized that I needed to align my desire to be loved with the feeling of love after having sex. That is, I would focus on having sex with people I shared love with (and shared is the key word there). At this point in my life, I don't want to have sex with someone I don't share love with because I want the feeling of being loved after sex to be genuine.

 

[h_i_s]

Do you have sex to feel loved?

No.

An interesting twist toward the original question: Perhaps some give love to get sex.

 

[butterfly_rosen]

Do you have sex to feel loved!

I think it all depends! There are times I have sex to get off. There are times I have sex to give pleasure to another. There are times when you are loving with someone and leads to to sex. But I suppose the question is Do you have sex to feel loved, so a direct answer NO. The love is already there and the sex is just one more way to feel connected.

 

[sweet_marie]

I was reading one of the stories in the How To category on Lit, and the author said something I thought was interesting. Her view is that men have sex to feel loved and women have sex because they feel loved in their relationship.

I don't disagree, though I probably wouldn't have put it that way, and I'm curious as to what others might think. My view is that both men and women have sex for the physcial gratification, and, if in a relationship, to express love for each other. Beyond that, I think women also have sex to feel loved, and might not have sex if they don't feel loved. I don't really know the man's point of view.

Do men have sex to feel loved? Do men feel loved if they have sex? Do women have sex because they feel loved? Do women feel loved if they have sex?

Hello
I have not read all the posts here, will do so. Just thought I'd put my two cents in.

I know of three types of men.

1. The loony toons. They don't count, usually psycho, therefore high sex drive, abnormally so. Stay the heck away...that's experience talking.

2. The "warm body in the dark type"....most men are like this, from my understanding, which is why it sometimes makes sense NOT to have sex with a man if you want him to take you seriously/ ie respect you. May not like you, but will not forget you and you will get grudging respect. My brother, for instance....he is a great guy. He only goes out with the bimbos. Why? Because all holes are warm in the dark....or put another way, all cats look the same in the dark. I'm not saying men are mean/awful/cruel/rotten...its just that they see most women with the same goal factor they might use for a weight lifting bench. Its there to be useful, it serves a purpose, you're not going to take it home with you, and you know where to find it again for next time. When its not always there, though, they go on the hunt.

3. When a man clicks with a woman....well, its a sight to behold. And then, I believe, they don't have sex with a woman. They try and make love to her, with her, and for her. Hasn't happened to me, but I've heard about it.

4. She's a really good hole. And he stays with her because the sex is so great. Ever wonder why a man stays with a woman like that? well, that's why.


For women, I think its more along the lines of needing to be loved and accepted and sometimes even posessed/made vulnerable, or whatever floats your boat. For me, and yes, I'm a survivor of abuse....but for me, soft floaty dancing can mean more to me than the best sex ever. Why? Because its so hard for me to accept it, and its given even more rarely...therefore, its more treasured.

Well, that's certainly rambling. But that's what I know.
Now to read what everone else knows!
Marie

 

[Munachi]

2. The "warm body in the dark type"....most men are like this, from my understanding, which is why it sometimes makes sense NOT to have sex with a man if you want him to take you seriously/ ie respect you. May not like you, but will not forget you and you will get grudging respect. My brother, for instance....he is a great guy. He only goes out with the bimbos. Why? Because all holes are warm in the dark....or put another way, all cats look the same in the dark. I'm not saying men are mean/awful/cruel/rotten...its just that they see most women with the same goal factor they might use for a weight lifting bench. Its there to be useful, it serves a purpose, you're not going to take it home with you, and you know where to find it again for next time. When its not always there, though, they go on the hunt.

Sorry, I have to disagree with that, as I find such thinking silly and somewhat dangerous (in the sense of that it emphasizes on cliches and role images). Of course there are some guys that will think like that, but imho they are far from being a majority. Apart, if a guy disrespects me for having had sex with him, well then do I care what that guy thinks? He is obviously quite stupid for thinking so, and hey, at least I got my fun before realizing that, because once I know I won't have a whole lot of respect for him either...

 

[Nickie Smiles]

For women, I think its more along the lines of needing to be loved and accepted and sometimes even posessed/made vulnerable, or whatever floats your boat. For me, and yes, I'm a survivor of abuse....but for me, soft floaty dancing can mean more to me than the best sex ever. Why? Because its so hard for me to accept it, and its given even more rarely...therefore, its more treasured.

Well, that's certainly rambling. But that's what I know.
Now to read what everone else knows!
Marie

I didn't have to read this to figure out you were a survivor of abuse or possibly being abused now. It's written all over your post about men. I'm sorry you had to go through what you had, but I totally disagree with almost everything you said regarding men. But of course, you're entitled to your opinion.

To answer the above post:

No. I do not have sex to feel loved. It starts with love then to making love.