Do you think it's more difficult for BDSMers to find partner that meets

[Esclava]

No, finding BDSM partners is not difficult at all ...

... if all you want is someone to unleash their Dominant desire on you with no concern for attending to your submissive needs.

RL Personal experience:

Eighteen "cups of coffee" or "Let's chat" meetings in the last year resulted in 18 rejections because they say I'm not submissive enough - because I don't just fall into whatever abyss is opened for me to fall into at a Dominant's feet.

True conversation in a "lifestyle" club. I went in with other friends and they were in scene - but this guy followed us around for 20 minutes until my friends got busy. After about 10 minutes conversing about the scene before us:

Him: I could really take care of you. Why don't you go find a station you like and get naked?
Me: And you think you could take care of all my needs?
Him: Of course! I understand what you need.
Me: How can you understand my needs without knowing what they are? (After which I walked away and he did not follow.)

But the Dom\me couple I play with occasionally enjoys me - they don't ask much - just abject submission in scene. They have no patience for those who say they are submissive and act in ways that are not. So, ...

Does knowing what I want/need and not being afraid to express that make me not submissive? No, I don't believe so.

Does it make finding a partner more difficult? Yes ... at least as far as my RL experience has shown.

Esclava

 

[Scarlet_Lady]

Reading through the thoughts of those who have real life experience in searching for a compatible D/s partner has unfortunately not been very encouraging. I still wanted to thank you though for sharing them.

The odd thing is that considering how much pretence there seems to be going on in most ordinary relationships around me, I would have thought that the awareness of one's expectations and the open communication that I associated with D/s from my online experiences may result in a more effective search.

Of course, the more specific things one is looking for the harder it is to succeed, but the hope of evetually finding someone compatible still seems a better option to me than settling for an arrangement that is bound to leave me unsatisfied and unhappy sooner or later.

I am 23. Perhaps in a decade or two, once the idealism and naivety of youth have faded, I shall know better.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Reading through the thoughts of those who have real life experience in searching for a compatible D/s partner has unfortunately not been very encouraging. I still wanted to thank you though for sharing them.

The odd thing is that considering how much pretence there seems to be going on in most ordinary relationships around me, I would have thought that the awareness of one's expectations and the open communication that I associated with D/s from my online experiences may result in a more effective search.

Of course, the more specific things one is looking for the harder it is to succeed, but the hope of evetually finding someone compatible still seems a better option to me than settling for an arrangement that is bound to leave me unsatisfied and unhappy sooner or later.

I am 23. Perhaps in a decade or two, once the idealism and naivety of youth have faded, I shall know better.

You are young. You have a golden opportunity to find what you what sooner. That being said, you will have to find the patience necessary to discern who is real, and who looks good.

I talk to many young people and the one thing I tell them is that they must take the time to learn what they really need, and then pursue that goal. It is not easy, but even vanilla relationships are not easy. So why should a D/s relationship be any different?

Be willing to walk away from a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Learn to examine a situation that looks too good to be true.

And do not think that a partner's job is to complete you. You should be complete before you hook up with someone else. I prefer to find submissives who complement me.

Good luck to you.

Eb

 

[Esclava]

You are young. You have a golden opportunity to find what you what sooner. That being said, you will have to find the patience necessary to discern who is real, and who looks good.

I talk to many young people and the one thing I tell them is that they must take the time to learn what they really need, and then pursue that goal. It is not easy, but even vanilla relationships are not easy. So why should a D/s relationship be any different?

Be willing to walk away from a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Learn to examine a situation that looks too good to be true.

And do not think that a partner's job is to complete you. You should be complete before you hook up with someone else. I prefer to find submissives who complement me.

Good luck to you.

Eb

Scarlet_Lady,

Eb has offered EXTREMELY sound advice! It is the same advice given to me by Francisco when I first ventured to these boards more than 3 years ago and it has guided / protected me ever since.

Yes, it makes the search more difficult - but not impossible. IMHO, if you're true to yourself and know yourself well enough to share that knowledge with someone to whom it's just as important to meet your needs as to have theirs met, you will know it. It is an incredible experience and I can't wait to hear about it happening for you!

Esclava

Edited to correct a misspelled word - dang fingers are not awake yet!

 

[kayte]

Oh yeah, to this day I miss Artful. I really miss him!

What a good bump to bring this thread back to the top.


Nodding, yes Artful was such a special man. I believe he is missed by many of us.

 

[omniavincet]

The pessimist in me says the difference between looking for vanilla soul mates and looking for bdsm soul mates is like the difference between pretty shitty and pretty damn shitty. Just look at the math: about 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce.

The optimist in me says that bdsmers seem like the kind of people who are a lot less likely to settle for shitty because they are more likely to know what they want (at least after a couple false starts).

Since I prefer optimism, I choose door #2. Who's with me??

OV

 

[Ebonyfire]

The pessimist in me says the difference between looking for vanilla soul mates and looking for bdsm soul mates is like the difference between pretty shitty and pretty damn shitty. Just look at the math: about 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce.

The optimist in me says that bdsmers seem like the kind of people who are a lot less likely to settle for shitty because they are more likely to know what they want (at least after a couple false starts).

Since I prefer optimism, I choose door #2. Who's with me??

OV

It has been said that practice makes perfect. I always like to suggest that people look at the new person in their life as a new friend to be discovered, rather than the their long lost soul mate. In other words practice and one day you will get it right.

Eb

 

[Evil_Geoff]

The odd thing is that considering how much pretence there seems to be going on in most ordinary relationships around me, I would have thought that the awareness of one's expectations and the open communication that I associated with D/s from my online experiences may result in a more effective search...

*chuckles*
Hi Scarlet,

This struck me because I was recently discussing this with someone else. In the Leather/BDSM lifestyle, we're still dealing with people. And people are people are people. Some are honest and ethical, some are liars and cheats. Some exam themselves and know this is the path of their heart, some think it looks cool, shows the world they are special and different, with the added bonus of kinky sex thrown in. Some are genuine, compassionate, caring people, some are ruthless, narcisstic, unfeeling sociopaths.

We, as a sub-culture, are not better, or worse, than the unwashed masses who have not discovered the Deeply Hidden Secret Mysterious Glorious Path Of BDSM... (Note for the humorously impaired: the previous phrase should be heard coated with a sarcastic glaze and a side of irony. It is not meant to imply that I have somehow, magically, discovered the one true way and will lead you, my people, out of the wilderness)

It's nice (and very human) to think we are somehow "special", "above the crowd", "different" or "enlightened" or "rebels" because we belong to this kink little offshoot of mainstream society. Unfortunately it isn't belonging to the sub-culture that makes us different. We are who we are, regardless of who we surround ourselves with. We are "special", "above the crowd", "different" or "enlightened" or "rebels" because it is who we, as individuals are.

We gather together here, or at munches, or dungeons, or other places with like minded people because we are searching for emotional or spiritual watering holes. Humans, being herd (or pack) animals, have a need to congregate. We look for mates, for community, to give and receive support, etc. It's easy to find someone to mate with if all you want is sex... But if you want someone to share your life and path with, THAT takes work. And time. It's a HUGE freaking herd.

For those searching, good hunting. Just keep a wary eye out for the alligators, pumas, pythons, and wolves in disguise... They will feed on you if you let them.