Does it make me a Dom if..

[Farawyn]

I don't think he sounds like a rapist. I just don't think the things he describes makes him a Dom.

Since OP has come back, maybe he can address our thoughts on what we think is important from a sub's point of view.

Or, repost in the personals.

 

[hylas_]

(...) you made some quite morally ambiguous statements about how you would entirely disregard a hypothetical partner's consent to what you do to them.

Come on now. He was quite specific (emphasis mine):

If I like the fantasy of fucking you in ways that you are uncomfortable with?

If I get off on (...) rape rp?

 

[KimGordon67]

Yeah, I'm not really reading that as saying he wants to rape someone, just that he fantasises about it (and I have a pretty low threshold for 'rape-disguised-as-other-stuff').

I'm little bemused as to why you care whether it makes you 'A Dom' or not though. Can't you just say you enjoy XYZ, and not worry about finding a label to stick on it?

 

[Gotham_Central]

The OP's personal ad aside, there is a lot here that smacks of the "one right way" the community decries elsewhere in numerous threads. Don't misunderstand, I'm not defending the OP, nor do I think he needs defending.

Sometimes I think we confuse dominant with Alpha male/female personalities. And the truth is, I can't tell you what make me or anyone else a dominate; good or bad. In my own walk, the things that fueled my interest and passion for BDSM play have changed and developed. And I believe I'd feel sorry for anyone, PYL or pyl, who after twenty plus years hasn't changed. Hasn't grown as a person and as a partner in a kink relationship.

 

[cascadiabound]

The OP's personal ad aside, there is a lot here that smacks of the "one right way" the community decries elsewhere in numerous threads. Don't misunderstand, I'm not defending the OP, nor do I think he needs defending.

Sometimes I think we confuse dominant with Alpha male/female personalities. And the truth is, I can't tell you what make me or anyone else a dominate; good or bad. In my own walk, the things that fueled my interest and passion for BDSM play have changed and developed. And I believe I'd feel sorry for anyone, PYL or pyl, who after twenty plus years hasn't changed. Hasn't grown as a person and as a partner in a kink relationship.

I agree with this.

I was a bit dismayed as I watched this thread spin out. I was not in a place where I could make a longer post but, while the OP did have a bit of a personal ad feel, it also seemed like it was a genuine ask. I think it is unfair to characterize anything the OP said as rapist behavior. He specifically said *role play* which requires consent. And I, like Kim Gordon, have a high level of sensitivity to this stuff.

The OP seems to me to be interested in rough sex and control. He seems to be searching. He is not sure where he fits and he is trying to figure it out. That's why he came here and posted. As a community we seem to work pretty hard to be a safe place for pyls, but sometimes fail pretty badly at creating a safe place for PYLs who can be just as confused about who they are as they engage with questions of D/s S/M rough sex, control, if they are okay, if they just like rough sex (sometimes described as vanilla with sprinkles) or something else.

This stuff can be as mind bendingly confusing for men as it is for women. Men who have been told all their lives it is *never* okay to hit a woman....That the ideal relationship is equality in all things and sex should be sweet and gentle. It's a lot to figure out.

There is no one right way. There is no true path. We all have to make our way through the complexities of our urges and desires, and kinks and proclivities. Labels are often not all that helpful. It's a big buffet of stuff to choose from. Try stuff. See what works for you. Go slow. Try not to "eat" everything all at once....It'll just make you overwhelmed. Read a lot. Try to find a partner or people who will walk with you as you puzzle it out.

Remember... Almost all of this stuff is a continuum...And rarely are things fixed. How you feel today is just fine...But you may feel rather differently in a year or ten.

Three threads that might be interesting reading for the op... possibly?
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1083983
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1397497
From the BDSM library - advice to a Novice Dominant:
http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/domadvic.html

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Note: I have never done any of the above. I'm in a normal, married relationship where the sex is very vanilla and I can perform perfectly fine, but it isn't mind-blowing.

I never read the OP as being a rapist. But, by his description of fantasies and the added note at the bottom...my original comment still stands. Not a Dom, but likes kinky sex. I wasn't being rude, just blunt. And I'm sure everyone's definition of a Dom is different, and there is no ONE defining characteristic that would qualify a person under any label, so I agree that labels are useless for the most part.

I also felt like the OP was happily married and content with his relationship, just maybe wanted to spice it up or explore a bit more. Nothing wrong with that. And my advice would be to do exactly that...forget about the Dom label.

 

[Azuldrgon]

Who needs a label?

I mean do what you want to and what your partner wants to and forget about labeling it. I have been told my voice can sound dominating, but that doesn't make me a Dom any more than singing a high note makes someone an opera singer. Labels pigeon hole people. When you slap a name on something, you identify it perhaps, but then you limit what it can do based on preconceived notions.

Why can't he just be him and forget about the title?

 

[_Necrosomantic_]

First, if you have to go seeking approval or validation from strangers about whether you are or are not something, go ahead and assume you're not. Particularly if your rhetoric is just a thinly veiled attempt at solicitation. Then you opt to get offended when what you say is " misinterpreted ", the reality being that you don't know what the hell you're talking about, and aren't actually asking a question. So, take your little persecution complex somewhere else if you can't see why this train wreck wasn't received favorably by all.

At the same time, liking rough sex or having rape fantasies, doesn't make you a rapist. That's cringe worthy, narrow minded bullshit. OP may be tactless, inarticulate, and slightly idiotic, but he's not malicious or deserving of being made to feel wrong for getting turned on by those things. Take it easy. At least there's a few that actually found merit and discussed the spirit of the topic constructively, that was nice to see.

As for the original " question ", the answer is in that last bit. You have fantasies, probably from watching/reading porn, but that doesn't make you anything. Arbitrarily slapping a label on yourself or asking others to does you no favors. Admittedly, the sex you're having isn't " mind blowing ", but you still find it " just fine ". You're not asking for advice on how to broach the subject or deal with pent up needs, you're looking for an outlet and some woman to " help you ". Hence, you're not a Dom, you're bored.

 

[HisArpy]

Yeah, I'm not really reading that as saying he wants to rape someone, just that he fantasises about it (and I have a pretty low threshold for 'rape-disguised-as-other-stuff').

I'm little bemused as to why you care whether it makes you 'A Dom' or not though. Can't you just say you enjoy XYZ, and not worry about finding a label to stick on it?

As part of the discussion I would say that "sticking a label on it" appears to be the point of the OP's post. Hence the title and the list of things he gave and the request for some sort of "approval" from others.

It feels more like the OP needs the "label" to justify his fantasies in his own head. What would be the point if he only has an otherwise vanilla lifestyle? He didn't even try to allude that he and his partner wanted to explore this area. There was nothing about his partner being involved in his post other than that he (supposedly) has one.

It just doesn't seem to be a true request for information or enlightenment. There seems to be no intent to grow, just a request for wank fodder. Which is why I make the comment about this being better in the personals forum. At that point, whether he is, or isn't a Dom is irrelevant. Either he will fail in getting the attention he wants, or he will find some needy soul to play with. Or be played in return.

 

[cascadiabound]

I think the original post was a bit inartful, but to read the absence of things (no mention of.. xyz) = the OP therefore has no interest in xyz is a bit harsh, not giving him the benefit of the doubt and therefore shutting down the conversation. I think we can be better than this as a forum.

Yes, we are on the cafe side of the ailse where we are often a bit more playful and perhaps less supportive than on the talk side... Perhaps this thread​ would be better served in Talk? I try to meet people where they are, regardless of which side of the BDSM board the post is on.

Threads that are obvious personal ads or spam...I am as quick to report as anyone on the board to get them moved. This wasn't that clear cut to me.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think this is all entirely true ... I know with my in-charge guy, we're very much the process of where we're at with a whole lot of stuff, and that's as much about making sure he's OK with things as I am, thinking about what he's getting out of it all as much as me ... he seems as excited/confused/slight nervous about it all as me, and I actually think that's a good thing because he doesn't have a preordained path he's wanting to lead me down - we talk all the time and make sure each of us knows where the other's at, and think about where we might be going, etc. And sometimes I do go searching for explanations, largely because I'm trying to work out WTF is going on inside my own head.

I guess my concern was his apparent desire to find the 'right' label ... not even to have his list of desired activities 'approved', but rather to work out what that 'makes' him - for me, it just makes him a guy who enjoys these things, and I suppose I'd hope he'd feel that way too. I actually like that something he wrote elsewhere said he 'has dominant tendencies' - for me, that says a lot more than 'I'm a dom' ... but then, I still find the sub/dom dynamic a bit of a mystery, so maybe there's something in being to identify as 'sub' or 'dom' that I'm not quite getting ... in fact, maybe it's the notion of these being identities , rather than sexual preferences, that I'm really struggling to get my head around.

LOL - that was a pretty awesome bit of thread derailment.

I agree with this.

I was a bit dismayed as I watched this thread spin out. I was not in a place where I could make a longer post but, while the OP did have a bit of a personal ad feel, it also seemed like it was a genuine ask. I think it is unfair to characterize anything the OP said as rapist behavior. He specifically said *role play* which requires consent. And I, like Kim Gordon, have a high level of sensitivity to this stuff.

The OP seems to me to be interested in rough sex and control. He seems to be searching. He is not sure where he fits and he is trying to figure it out. That's why he came here and posted. As a community we seem to work pretty hard to be a safe place for pyls, but sometimes fail pretty badly at creating a safe place for PYLs who can be just as confused about who they are as they engage with questions of D/s S/M rough sex, control, if they are okay, if they just like rough sex (sometimes described as vanilla with sprinkles) or something else.

This stuff can be as mind bendingly confusing for men as it is for women. Men who have been told all their lives it is *never* okay to hit a woman....That the ideal relationship is equality in all things and sex should be sweet and gentle. It's a lot to figure out.

There is no one right way. There is no true path. We all have to make our way through the complexities of our urges and desires, and kinks and proclivities. Labels are often not all that helpful. It's a big buffet of stuff to choose from. Try stuff. See what works for you. Go slow. Try not to "eat" everything all at once....It'll just make you overwhelmed. Read a lot. Try to find a partner or people who will walk with you as you puzzle it out.

Remember... Almost all of this stuff is a continuum...And rarely are things fixed. How you feel today is just fine...But you may feel rather differently in a year or ten.

One thread that might be interesting reading... possibly?
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1083983

 

[cascadiabound]

I think this is all entirely true ... I know with my in-charge guy, we're very much the process of where we're at with a whole lot of stuff, and that's as much about making sure he's OK with things as I am, thinking about what he's getting out of it all as much as me ... he seems as excited/confused/slight nervous about it all as me, and I actually think that's a good thing because he doesn't have a preordained path he's wanting to lead me down - we talk all the time and make sure each of us knows where the other's at, and think about where we might be going, etc. And sometimes I do go searching for explanations, largely because I'm trying to work out WTF is going on inside my own head.

I guess my concern was his apparent desire to find the 'right' label ... not even to have his list of desired activities 'approved', but rather to work out what that 'makes' him - for me, it just makes him a guy who enjoys these things, and I suppose I'd hope he'd feel that way too. I actually like that something he wrote elsewhere said he 'has dominant tendencies' - for me, that says a lot more than 'I'm a dom' ... but then, I still find the sub/dom dynamic a bit of a mystery, so maybe there's something in being to identify as 'sub' or 'dom' that I'm not quite getting ... in fact, maybe it's the notion of these being identities , rather than sexual preferences, that I'm really struggling to get my head around.

LOL - that was a pretty awesome bit of thread derailment.

I bolded the bit above that I find the most important for this thread in your post. I think that the sub/Dom dynamic is rather mysterious. Even for those of us who are working it out in RL. Sometimes it goes more smoothly than other times. Sometimes we have ideas in our heads that we cannot get to mesh with our partners. Sometimes it works in amazing ways and it is like *and then a miracle happened*


The op did ask "Is he a Dom?"

I think, and others have also discussed, how the label is one of the less important aspects of figuring all of this stuff out. Yes, as the OP has currently written about himself, it seems that he has dominant tendencies - but perhaps is not "A Dom." Perhaps instead he is on the beginning of the path to become a Dom? Who I am to say? Are Doms born that way? I frankly do not know. Ummmm - it seems to me that it may be a combination of sexual preferences and identity (some of which is cultural or tied to the sexual partner you are with?) and... in my conversations and reading of people who self identify as Doms/ PYL's - many talk about an evolution. They talk about how they came to understand themselves. Many tell about how they had interactions with pyl's who helped them to understand how they might be a PYL. Others talk about *always* having certain urges even from a young age and figuring out as they became adults and sexual beings how to make that work in their intimate relationships.

It may be that the OP asked the wrong question. Perhaps we can grant him a bit of grace as a newbie poster to the forum. He is in a vanilla marriage. He has some ideas in his head. He has some fantasies and urges. He is trying to sort them out. He may well hope to eventually sort them out in the context of his marriage - none of us know what he intends, because we are not inside his head, nor or we inside his marriage.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think what I was trying to get at, very poorly in part because my grammar was so garbled, was the concept of an 'identity', as opposed to a set of actions. Using homosexuality as a corollary, if a guy has sex with another guy, it doesn't make him 'gay' - it just makes him a guy who had sex with another guy. To identity as gay involves a whole heap of other stuff.
So if someone engages in sexually dominant behaviour, does that make them 'a dom', or are there other things that are present in order for that to become an identity, rather than 'dominant tendencies'? [I probably need to take this to another thread ...]

I bolded the bit above that I find the most important for this thread in your post. I think that the sub/Dom dynamic is rather mysterious. Even for those of us who are working it out in RL. Sometimes it goes more smoothly than other times. Sometimes we have ideas in our heads that we cannot get to mesh with our partners. Sometimes it works in amazing ways and it is like *and then a miracle happened*


The op did ask "Is he a Dom?"

I think, and others have also discussed, how the label is one of the less important aspects of figuring all of this stuff out. Yes, as the OP has currently written about himself, it seems that he has dominant tendencies - but perhaps is not "A Dom." Perhaps instead he is on the beginning of the path to become a Dom? Who I am to say? Are Doms born that way? I frankly do not know. Ummmm - it seems to me that it may be a combination of sexual preferences and identity (some of which is cultural or tied to the sexual partner you are with?) and... in my conversations and reading of people who self identify as Doms/ PYL's - many talk about an evolution. They talk about how they came to understand themselves. Many tell about how they had interactions with pyl's who helped them to understand how they might be a PYL. Others talk about *always* having certain urges even from a young age and figuring out as they became adults and sexual beings how to make that work in their intimate relationships.

It may be that the OP asked the wrong question. Perhaps we can grant him a bit of grace as a newbie poster to the forum. He is in a vanilla marriage. He has some ideas in his head. He has some fantasies and urges. He is trying to sort them out. He may well hope to eventually sort them out in the context of his marriage - none of us know what he intends, because we are not inside his head, nor or we inside his marriage.

 

[maveric74]

I bolded the bit above that I find the most important for this thread in your post. I think that the sub/Dom dynamic is rather mysterious. Even for those of us who are working it out in RL. Sometimes it goes more smoothly than other times. Sometimes we have ideas in our heads that we cannot get to mesh with our partners. Sometimes it works in amazing ways and it is like *and then a miracle happened*


The op did ask "Is he a Dom?"

I think, and others have also discussed, how the label is one of the less important aspects of figuring all of this stuff out. Yes, as the OP has currently written about himself, it seems that he has dominant tendencies - but perhaps is not "A Dom." Perhaps instead he is on the beginning of the path to become a Dom? Who I am to say? Are Doms born that way? I frankly do not know. Ummmm - it seems to me that it may be a combination of sexual preferences and identity (some of which is cultural or tied to the sexual partner you are with?) and... in my conversations and reading of people who self identify as Doms/ PYL's - many talk about an evolution. They talk about how they came to understand themselves. Many tell about how they had interactions with pyl's who helped them to understand how they might be a PYL. Others talk about *always* having certain urges even from a young age and figuring out as they became adults and sexual beings how to make that work in their intimate relationships.

It may be that the OP asked the wrong question. Perhaps we can grant him a bit of grace as a newbie poster to the forum. He is in a vanilla marriage. He has some ideas in his head. He has some fantasies and urges. He is trying to sort them out. He may well hope to eventually sort them out in the context of his marriage - none of us know what he intends, because we are not inside his head, nor or we inside his marriage.

Wow..such an intelligent post, Cascadiabound..thank you. So many strong opinions elsewhere. This was not a personals ad, this was not me looking to play with someone, wank fodder or me wanting to play the victim card. It was simply to try and understand the urges and feelings I have. Yes, the original post could have been put better but I don't have a template to follow that others who have posted here negatively would prefer. I was simply trying to have a dialogue here that I thought could be helpful/useful to me to understand whether I am or not a person with dominant sexual tendencies.

It is easy to say or ask why a "label". And I understand that. But then if that was the case, why is Literotica itself categorised according to labels? While I don't personally like to label people, in this instance, for a specific situation, the label helps in identifying and understand the issue at hand (but maybe my OP was not coherent enough). Someone called it unsolicited..I thought it was a free forum for all to use, regardless of gender and experience. I thought coming here would help and once I filter out the garbage posts, I'm sure I'll understand this a bit more...I hope..

 

[KimGordon67]

I find it easier to think of the categories as signposts - I don't identify as submissive, but I have submissive tendencies ... therefore I end up in the BDSM boards more than elsewhere.

Wow..such an intelligent post, Cascadiabound..thank you. So many strong opinions elsewhere. This was not a personals ad, this was not me looking to play with someone, wank fodder or me wanting to play the victim card. It was simply to try and understand the urges and feelings I have. Yes, the original post could have been put better but I don't have a template to follow that others who have posted here negatively would prefer. I was simply trying to have a dialogue here that I thought could be helpful/useful to me to understand whether I am or not a person with dominant sexual tendencies.

It is easy to say or ask why a "label". And I understand that. But then if that was the case, why is Literotica itself categorised according to labels? While I don't personally like to label people, in this instance, for a specific situation, the label helps in identifying and understand the issue at hand (but maybe my OP was not coherent enough). Someone called it unsolicited..I thought it was a free forum for all to use, regardless of gender and experience. I thought coming here would help and once I filter out the garbage posts, I'm sure I'll understand this a bit more...I hope..

 

[maveric74]

Yeah, I'm not really reading that as saying he wants to rape someone, just that he fantasises about it (and I have a pretty low threshold for 'rape-disguised-as-other-stuff').

I'm little bemused as to why you care whether it makes you 'A Dom' or not though. Can't you just say you enjoy XYZ, and not worry about finding a label to stick on it?

great point Kim..I think the label just helps me direct the question to the right place and the right people to respond to..looking to people experienced enough to respond..problem is there are too many people on here with strong, one-sided opinions that are tiring to deal with. "You are this and not that" and "that's that". There can't be any grey areas and they certainly can't be wrong on their take on this. Yep, I posted originally and the post was probably not well thought out. Sometimes, I don't know why either or don't have answers to some of the questions people ask me here because I'm still figuring these out myself Confusing, I know!

 

[Farawyn]

Thanks for coming back, OP.

 

[maveric74]

I find it easier to think of the categories as signposts - I don't identify as submissive, but I have submissive tendencies ... therefore I end up in the BDSM boards more than elsewhere.

couldn't agree more. My interests and tendencies lean towards being dominant in a relationship, sexual and otherwise..hence my post here..

 

[cascadiabound]

I think what I was trying to get at, very poorly in part because my grammar was so garbled, was the concept of an 'identity', as opposed to a set of actions. Using homosexuality as a corollary, if a guy has sex with another guy, it doesn't make him 'gay' - it just makes him a guy who had sex with another guy. To identity as gay involves a whole heap of other stuff.
So if someone engages in sexually dominant behaviour, does that make them 'a dom', or are there other things that are present in order for that to become an identity, rather than 'dominant tendencies'? [I probably need to take this to another thread ...]

This is a question that gets addressed both directly and indirectly all over this board. I suspect the overwhelming consensus of the board would probably advise that sexually dominant behavior does not equal a Dom/PYL, however all Dom's/ PYLs are sexually dominant.
Yes...There are other qualities that are necessary beyond simple interest in sexually dominant behavior. I will leave it to others to expound. And maybe it needs it's own thread...Or..Just continue on here?

 

[Farawyn]

^
I think it's been touched on here. Let's continue?

What do you think are other traits, behaviors (besides sexual)
I see more protective behaviors indicative of being a Dom, but I've honestly never really thought about it. Feeling safe and taken care of. Not that I cannot take care of myself, but that he wants to.

Yes?

 

[Gotham_Central]

^
I think it's been touched on here. Let's continue?

What do you think are other traits, behaviors (besides sexual)
I see more protective behaviors indicative of being a Dom, but I've honestly never really thought about it. Feeling safe and taken care of. Not that I cannot take care of myself, but that he wants to.

Yes?

I think that's where the alpha male and Dom tropes intersect, the protective aspects. However, if the sub wants to feel in peril, then the ability to adopt a more detached demeanor is essential.

 

[HisArpy]

Wow..such an intelligent post, Cascadiabound..thank you. So many strong opinions elsewhere. This was not a personals ad, this was not me looking to play with someone, wank fodder or me wanting to play the victim card. It was simply to try and understand the urges and feelings I have. Yes, the original post could have been put better but I don't have a template to follow that others who have posted here negatively would prefer. I was simply trying to have a dialogue here that I thought could be helpful/useful to me to understand whether I am or not a person with dominant sexual tendencies.

It is easy to say or ask why a "label". And I understand that. But then if that was the case, why is Literotica itself categorised according to labels? While I don't personally like to label people, in this instance, for a specific situation, the label helps in identifying and understand the issue at hand (but maybe my OP was not coherent enough). Someone called it unsolicited..I thought it was a free forum for all to use, regardless of gender and experience. I thought coming here would help and once I filter out the garbage posts, I'm sure I'll understand this a bit more...I hope..

I read this. Then I went back and re-read your original post. Then I read this again.

I don't believe you.

Your original post used acronyms that someone seeking help wouldn't use - shorthand abbreviations like the one you used for role play (rp) aren't something either a newbie OR an information seeker would use. Not in the context you used them. It was too commercial and too polished for someone stumbling around wondering what was going on with their Self.

Now you switch to the "poor lil ol me" and "please, I'm just misunderstood" thing. And then top it off with "help me understand myself".

Sorry. People who are trying to understand themselves don't do those things. Because those things are designed to manipulate people. Which in your case seems to be working somewhat because you're getting attention in a limited fashion. Notice that few are talking TO you. Mostly they are talking about what you posted. Because most people, even unconsciously, know when they're being used.

I am not the strongest or most aggressive dominant (my personality puts me more toward middle of the road and very vanilla in a lot of things) but when I was trying to figure myself out, there was NO "poor lil ol me" or "help me find me" stuff. Yes I was confused when I was younger. No there wasn't anyone I could talk to about it. What there was, was me.

A lot of soul searching took place. Some of what I felt seemed bad or wrong. Sometimes I'd say something I thought completely normal and people would look at me funny before moving away en mass. I'd be left standing alone wondering what happened. Or worse, thinking that I was some kind of deviant predator who only wanted to hurt those weaker than I was because of the things I felt inside.

It was a truly painful lonely time. Then I began to understand that the problem wasn't ME, it was just me being me that was the problem. I had to learn to be "less ME" and more "like them". It took a long time to find a starting place where I could be sure I was not playing a role to be something someone else wanted me to be.

I never had to learn to be "more me" and "less them". What I had to learn was to tone my personality down to something that didn't frighten other people. Or make them feel a need to overcompensate. I still miss the mark quite often. And the words to express my feelings aren't easily found though I do think my writing has helped me in that.

Be that as it may, you'll note that none of that includes asking strangers what turns them on while trying to make it seem like you're asking for relationship advice after the fact. Instead, its a behavior pattern. I am, because I am. Not because I say I am, or want to believe I am, or want someone else to believe I am.

So, if you're truly here for advice, that's about all I can tell you. If you're dominant, that's enough of a starting point. If you're not, it won't matter. If you're here to find a hookup, you won't listen.

Finally, it's not A dominant, it's just dominant. The difference isn't a character in the alphabet, it's your character

 

[Lord_Johnny]

I like the thought of controlling when we have sex, where we have sex and how we have sex?
If I like the idea of fucking you in every hole and seeing how much pleasure you derive from it as your eyes roll back in your head and your mouth stays open and there is a guttural, animalistic moan in your throat?
If I love the thought of cumming inside you, over you, in your mouth and on your face?
If I like the idea of tying you up, blindfolding you and using you for my pleasure for as long as I like?
If I like the fantasy of fucking you in ways that you are uncomfortable with?

If I get off on the following?
anal? rape rp? dress up like a slut or a prostitute? use you like a fucktoy? whisper dirty words in your ear as I fuck you? make you squirt or cum uncontrollably? video our fuck sessions and then watch them back as you suck my cock?

spank your ass and slap your tits, pinch your nipples and bite your clit and finger your ass as you orgasm?

love some help from some experienced women to help me understand these tendencies..

Note: I have never done any of the above. I'm in a normal, married relationship where the sex is very vanilla and I can perform perfectly fine, but it isn't mind-blowing.

An interesting question. So the very easy over complicated answer is that no, it doesn't make you a Dom. On the other hand, it doesn't make you NOT a Dom either.

Just the same way that not having these doesn't make you a Dom or not a Dom.

I will say, in case someone hasn't said it already (and I skipped a bit after some very rude individuals) that you should talk to your partner about such things before implimentation, though if you're like the vast majority of people, you already knew that. Definitely a sit down, no one is the Dom, kind of talk, and see if they are actually comfortable with that kind of relationship. If they are...well have at it, and enjoy the relationship!

 

[Farawyn]

I think that's where the alpha male and Dom tropes intersect, the protective aspects. However, if the sub wants to feel in peril, then the ability to adopt a more detached demeanor is essential.

But that can fluctuate.

 

[HisArpy]

An interesting question. So the very easy over complicated answer is that no, it doesn't make you a Dom. On the other hand, it doesn't make you NOT a Dom either.

Just the same way that not having these doesn't make you a Dom or not a Dom.

I will say, in case someone hasn't said it already (and I skipped a bit after some very rude individuals) that you should talk to your partner about such things before implimentation, though if you're like the vast majority of people, you already knew that. Definitely a sit down, no one is the Dom, kind of talk, and see if they are actually comfortable with that kind of relationship. If they are...well have at it, and enjoy the relationship!

The OP came here and posted a list of things. Then, in a later post says he's married with a vanilla relationship and is only trying to find himself. There is NO ATTEMPT to talk to anyone. There is NO ATTEMPT to understand, to find or work out anything in any relationship.

What there is, is a commercial feeling advertisement full of porn vid slang seeking a response.

IF the OP genuinely wanted help, his post would be more in line with "how do I tell my partner..." rather than the "do you like it when..." stuff he posted.