Does it make me a Dom if..

[Farawyn]

First, if you have to go seeking approval or validation from strangers about whether you are or are not something, go ahead and assume you're not. Particularly if your rhetoric is just a thinly veiled attempt at solicitation. Then you opt to get offended when what you say is " misinterpreted ", the reality being that you don't know what the hell you're talking about, and aren't actually asking a question. So, take your little persecution complex somewhere else if you can't see why this train wreck wasn't received favorably by all.

At the same time, liking rough sex or having rape fantasies, doesn't make you a rapist. That's cringe worthy, narrow minded bullshit. OP may be tactless, inarticulate, and slightly idiotic, but he's not malicious or deserving of being made to feel wrong for getting turned on by those things. Take it easy. At least there's a few that actually found merit and discussed the spirit of the topic constructively, that was nice to see.

As for the original " question ", the answer is in that last bit. You have fantasies, probably from watching/reading porn, but that doesn't make you anything. Arbitrarily slapping a label on yourself or asking others to does you no favors. Admittedly, the sex you're having isn't " mind blowing ", but you still find it " just fine ". You're not asking for advice on how to broach the subject or deal with pent up needs, you're looking for an outlet and some woman to " help you ". Hence, you're not a Dom, you're bored.

The OP came here and posted a list of things. Then, in a later post says he's married with a vanilla relationship and is only trying to find himself. There is NO ATTEMPT to talk to anyone. There is NO ATTEMPT to understand, to find or work out anything in any relationship.

What there is, is a commercial feeling advertisement full of porn vid slang seeking a response.

IF the OP genuinely wanted help, his post would be more in line with "how do I tell my partner..." rather than the "do you like it when..." stuff he posted.

Yes. I see this. Good points, Necro and HA!

 

[Mrtenant]

I read this. Then I went back and re-read your original post. Then I read this again.

I don't believe you.

Your original post used acronyms that someone seeking help wouldn't use - shorthand abbreviations like the one you used for role play (rp) aren't something either a newbie OR an information seeker would use. Not in the context you used them. It was too commercial and too polished for someone stumbling around wondering what was going on with their Self.

Now you switch to the "poor lil ol me" and "please, I'm just misunderstood" thing. And then top it off with "help me understand myself".

Sorry. People who are trying to understand themselves don't do those things. Because those things are designed to manipulate people. Which in your case seems to be working somewhat because you're getting attention in a limited fashion. Notice that few are talking TO you. Mostly they are talking about what you posted. Because most people, even unconsciously, know when they're being used.

I am not the strongest or most aggressive dominant (my personality puts me more toward middle of the road and very vanilla in a lot of things) but when I was trying to figure myself out, there was NO "poor lil ol me" or "help me find me" stuff. Yes I was confused when I was younger. No there wasn't anyone I could talk to about it. What there was, was me.

A lot of soul searching took place. Some of what I felt seemed bad or wrong. Sometimes I'd say something I thought completely normal and people would look at me funny before moving away en mass. I'd be left standing alone wondering what happened. Or worse, thinking that I was some kind of deviant predator who only wanted to hurt those weaker than I was because of the things I felt inside.

It was a truly painful lonely time. Then I began to understand that the problem wasn't ME, it was just me being me that was the problem. I had to learn to be "less ME" and more "like them". It took a long time to find a starting place where I could be sure I was not playing a role to be something someone else wanted me to be.

I never had to learn to be "more me" and "less them". What I had to learn was to tone my personality down to something that didn't frighten other people. Or make them feel a need to overcompensate. I still miss the mark quite often. And the words to express my feelings aren't easily found though I do think my writing has helped me in that.

Be that as it may, you'll note that none of that includes asking strangers what turns them on while trying to make it seem like you're asking for relationship advice after the fact. Instead, its a behavior pattern. I am, because I am. Not because I say I am, or want to believe I am, or want someone else to believe I am.

So, if you're truly here for advice, that's about all I can tell you. If you're dominant, that's enough of a starting point. If you're not, it won't matter. If you're here to find a hookup, you won't listen.

Finally, it's not A dominant, it's just dominant. The difference isn't a character in the alphabet, it's your character

I have read many of your posts previously in many different threads. Just when I think I have a person figured out, ....*shaking my head. All I can say is well said, I am impressed.

 

[HisArpy]

I have read many of your posts previously in many different threads. Just when I think I have a person figured out, ....*shaking my head. All I can say is well said, I am impressed.

Don't be, it's all lies. I would never say such revealing and potentially devastating things in public and have them be true. I mean, could you imagine what someone, like, say some wannabe shieldmaiden, could do if they thought I was soft and squishy inside? Or worse, a real Dom who thought I was intruding into his territory and trying to steal his thunder?

Nope, I am a poseur. A fake. A fraud. A milquetoast and totally vanilla.

Edited to add:

My favorite cycling jersey of all time.

http://elevengear.com/elevengear/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/pos-jer-m_cp-1600.jpg

(I had that as an image but it stretched the screen so click the link instead)

 

[Farawyn]

Don't be, it's all lies. I would never say such revealing and potentially devastating things in public and have them be true. I mean, could you imagine what someone, like, say some wannabe shieldmaiden, could do if they thought I was soft and squishy inside? Or worse, a real Dom who thought I was intruding into his territory and trying to steal his thunder?

Nope, I am a poseur. A fake. A fraud. A milquetoast and totally vanilla.

I knew it. I knew it all along.

 

[SalvDali]

To the OP

So assuming you were just looking for feedback or information you are actually in a good place with knowledgeable people. That being said, they are also protective people. Your OP does read like a personal add. You only ask for feedback from women? Wouldn't you want feedback from anyone who actually knows what they are talking about?

This place gets visited by a lot of trolls and people who come across as sexual predators so any new(ish) person posting is always suspect. So think about that and read your OP. Maybe that will help you better understand why people reacted the way they did. I hope they were wrong, but the sad fact is we will probably really never know.

Where we tread is a dangerous place where people can be hurt emotionally and physically if they trust the wrong person. So whereas part of me thinks some of the responses to your post were over aggressive and yes even vile, I understand why.

Now to answer your question, None of those things make you a Dom. Wanting to kill someone doesn't make you a murderer. Wanting to help your neighbors doesn't make you a giving person. It's in your actions. My opinion of what a dom is may not be from Websters, and maybe it is only my opinion but I feel to be a dom, someone has to want to submit to you, to trust you so much they are willing to give you themselves completely is a way most people can't even understand none the less accept.

I hope you are sincere and if so, you are in a good place to get information. My opinion, you are just into kinky shit. Not saying you can't or won't become a dom. It is obvious you have Dominant tendencies. Stick around, tell us a little about you and assuming peoples 1st impression of you was wrong, you are in a good place if what you seek is actually information and or opinions on BDSM.

 

[hylas_]

So assuming you were just looking for feedback or information you are actually in a good place with knowledgeable people. That being said, they are also protective people. Your OP does read like a personal add. You only ask for feedback from women? Wouldn't you want feedback from anyone who actually knows what they are talking about?

This place gets visited by a lot of trolls and people who come across as sexual predators so any new(ish) person posting is always suspect. So think about that and read your OP. Maybe that will help you better understand why people reacted the way they did. I hope they were wrong, but the sad fact is we will probably really never know.

Where we tread is a dangerous place where people can be hurt emotionally and physically if they trust the wrong person. So whereas part of me thinks some of the responses to your post were over aggressive and yes even vile, I understand why.

^ beautifully said.

(don't fully agree with your definition of "Dom", but more on a "your opinion/my opinion" level.)

 

[HisArpy]

I knew it. I knew it all along.

Damn, totally busted. You saw through me easier than looking though a plate glass window.

 

[Miasorrow]

This is a question that gets addressed both directly and indirectly all over this board. I suspect the overwhelming consensus of the board would probably advise that sexually dominant behavior does not equal a Dom/PYL, however all Dom's/ PYLs are sexually dominant.
Yes...There are other qualities that are necessary beyond simple interest in sexually dominant behavior. I will leave it to others to expound. And maybe it needs it's own thread...Or..Just continue on here?

Perfectly stated. I will continue here.

Hey all,

MiaSorrow, in response to your question..

Do you feel the need to control a woman; Yes, I do

her feelings, brains and persona; No, not her feelings, brains and persona. I like strong, independent women on the outside but submissive for me sexually.

protect, claim and own her; Yes, love to own her

get so close to someone that they share their deepest desires and admit their hidden thoughts; make them say things and do things they have never done with another?
Yes and Yes. Love the thought of sharing innermost desires, thoughts with someone and that is so intimate and trusting.

Thank you for answering. I want to point out that you could do all the sexual things you like to do by also being the submissive part of a sexual relationship. Have you ever considered serving a domme and being rough with her when she allows it?

Since you answer that you have no emotional or mental interest other than sexual, how does being a Dom or not actually helps you to fulfill your sexual fantasies?

Being a Dominant is an inner self-exploratative state during which a man or woman comes across many aspects about oneself that are difficult – if not completely disturbing – to accept.

I quote what someone said which I think is very close to what I believe.

"Submissive people feel secure when they understand their lives. They use symbols and categories to reveal the order in the world. Understanding can never be complete because each answer reveals new questions. We must appreciate that the search for truth never ends, so we must also accept that our understanding is always incomplete. When no relevant information is available we must be able to temporarily put aside our search for truth.

A dominant person excels both in the identification of opportunities and the selection of desired outcomes. He wants to “do the right thing.” The moral connotations of “right” are intended, though the determination of what is right is an intuitive process driven by some sort of vision of the world he wants to live in, and some dominant individuals have effectively brought about outcomes that most find morally abhorrent. A dominant person excels in “the vision thing.”

The struggle to “do the right thing” is never-ending. The dominant person must accept this incompleteness. He must learn to put aside his compulsion for right action when the information needed for productive action is unavailable. The world exhausts the dominant person by offering infinite opportunities and frustrates him by refusing to provide the means to achieve some desired ends. He must learn to let go when the exhaustion or frustration becomes overwhelming."

I hope I helped.

 

[Primalex]

I think that's where the alpha male and Dom tropes intersect

or rather where plain old sexism intersects with D/s.

Wait, did I just say that?

Anyway - animals never mess with whom if they can avoid it at all?
Right, an animal mom protecting her kids.

But it obviously has to be the male human dominant whose protective nature is portrayed. The female dominant is never displayed as protective, she is the leather goddess of punishment and a submissive man or woman somehow would never stand in the way of an assailant, although considering the total disregard for their own safety I've seen in a lot of submissive men, I would bet on them doing some really stupid stunt to protect their leather goddess.

It is a misconception that the dominant male is protective. The dominant male goes:"Wait, what? You think YOU can boss me around just because you have a knife? Who the fuck do you think you are that you ruin my evening?"

Rescuing the damsel in distress is just the side effect of punishing the person who dared to disarrange the dominant's sphere of influence.

 

[MeekMe]

I always just thought male dominants sat outside and barked at strangers as part of their noble duty.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

It is a misconception that the dominant male is protective. The dominant male goes:"Wait, what? You think YOU can boss me around just because you have a knife? Who the fuck do you think you are that you ruin my evening?"

Rescuing the damsel in distress part is just coincidence.

I wonder how much of that is true? I think it must be to some extent at least. I've seen many altercations between men where the "safest, more protective" thing to do would be to leave peacefully with the woman...avoid a potentially dangerous situation caused by escalating it with retaliation. But do they? No, of course not. That alpha male thing takes over and it's more of a pissing match than anything else...territorial maybe, but not exactly protective.

 

[Blue]

I always just thought male dominants sat outside and barked at strangers as part of their noble duty.

I would assume female dominants are highly successful serial killers.

 

[MeekMe]

I would assume female dominants are highly successful serial killers.

Have you met Executrix?

 

[Primalex]

I always just thought male dominants sat outside and barked at strangers as part of their noble duty.

It's echolocation. First step is always trying to figure out if the moving object is suitable for mating.

 

[Primalex]

I wonder how much of that is true?

Why would I lie?

 

[MeekMe]

It's echolocation. First step is always trying to figure out if the moving object is suitable for mating.

It makes so much more sense now. If it's not worth fucking, how do you get rid of it?

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Why would I lie?

I'm sure you wouldnt. I trust that everything you say is 100% nondebatablet truths.

 

[maveric74]

I read this. Then I went back and re-read your original post. Then I read this again.

I don't believe you.

I don't care if you believe me or not, mate. Plenty of people here who have helped..

Your original post used acronyms that someone seeking help wouldn't use - shorthand abbreviations like the one you used for role play (rp) aren't something either a newbie OR an information seeker would use. Not in the context you used them. It was too commercial and too polished for someone stumbling around wondering what was going on with their Self.

Jesus! You do have an over-active imagination. Yep, I know some of the acronyms because I have used Lit before and chatted before. Are you seriously saying because I used rp instead of role-play that it doesn't make me a newbie? Or should I say newcomer so I don't come across as being too polished.

FYI, I didn't know what OP was (I guessed) and still don't know what PYL is?

Now you switch to the "poor lil ol me" and "please, I'm just misunderstood" thing. And then top it off with "help me understand myself".

When and where in my posts have I used "poor lil ol' me? I think you like to categorise people according to how you see them and that's that. Trouble with people like you is that you can't see past your own judgemental values how things should be and people should be and it makes for a one-sided point of view..which brings back to what i said right at the start..I don't care..Are you likely to respond positively to someone (even if there is a hint of truth in their response) when that person is attacking your credibility? You have a long way to go before you understand basic human nature


Sorry. People who are trying to understand themselves don't do those things. Because those things are designed to manipulate people. Which in your case seems to be working somewhat because you're getting attention in a limited fashion. Notice that few are talking TO you. Mostly they are talking about what you posted. Because most people, even unconsciously, know when they're being used.

Have you asked people that have posted here whether they are "feeling" that they are being used? Let me guess..no! Again, you have imagined something in that over-active, imaginative head of yours and decided it is THIS WAY. What would I be getting from using people on here anyway? It doesn't make sense..

I am not the strongest or most aggressive dominant (my personality puts me more toward middle of the road and very vanilla in a lot of things) but when I was trying to figure myself out, there was NO "poor lil ol me" or "help me find me" stuff. Yes I was confused when I was younger. No there wasn't anyone I could talk to about it. What there was, was me.

good for you. And because you managed to do it your way, well, let me guess, that's how you think it should be..Are we seeing a trend yet?

A lot of soul searching took place. Some of what I felt seemed bad or wrong. Sometimes I'd say something I thought completely normal and people would look at me funny before moving away en mass. I'd be left standing alone wondering what happened. Or worse, thinking that I was some kind of deviant predator who only wanted to hurt those weaker than I was because of the things I felt inside.

Your first intelligent post..well done. Took you a while but you got there. And that's EXACTLY how I feel. "thinking that I was some kind of deviant predator who only wanted to hurt those weaker than I was because of the things I felt inside"

It was a truly painful lonely time. Then I began to understand that the problem wasn't ME, it was just me being me that was the problem. I had to learn to be "less ME" and more "like them". It took a long time to find a starting place where I could be sure I was not playing a role to be something someone else wanted me to be.

Now, I don't believe you. You ALWAYS know. You either ACCEPT or live in DENIAL. I'm somewhere in between and too AFRAID to go either way. But yes, it is PAINFUL.

I never had to learn to be "more me" and "less them". What I had to learn was to tone my personality down to something that didn't frighten other people. Or make them feel a need to overcompensate. I still miss the mark quite often. And the words to express my feelings aren't easily found though I do think my writing has helped me in that.

Great. I do realise I am dominant in most aspects of my life. Even when I am not being aggressive or alpha-male type, people reckon I am. Just body language as well, people have expressed that they see me as being aggressive. And I have actively tried and tone that down over the last few years because my wife is a gentle soul


Be that as it may, you'll note that none of that includes asking strangers what turns them on while trying to make it seem like you're asking for relationship advice after the fact. Instead, its a behavior pattern. I am, because I am. Not because I say I am, or want to believe I am, or want someone else to believe I am.

And just because I did ask strangers (or a community of people experienced in BDSM where my interest lies, as I see it), does it make it wrong? If I could have figured it out myself over the years, I would have not posted. But the desires and urges have grown stronger over the years and some days they are scarily uncontrollable. Posting on here helps me deal with my feelings and sexual desires in some way which I consider to be a good thing..for me

So, if you're truly here for advice, that's about all I can tell you. If you're dominant, that's enough of a starting point. If you're not, it won't matter. If you're here to find a hookup, you won't listen.

I live in Australia, mate. There are NO HOOKUPS when it is a predominantly US based site.

Finally, it's not A dominant, it's just dominant. The difference isn't a character in the alphabet, it's your character

And that last piece is proof of how self-focussed you are in how you see a certain situation. Just because I say "A Dom" and you say "Dom", you've very cleverly decided that I'm trying to play a character, rather than find my character. Scary stuff mate, whatever goes on in that head of yours.

responses highlighted in BOLD..or so I think

 

[maveric74]

^
I think it's been touched on here. Let's continue?

What do you think are other traits, behaviors (besides sexual)
I see more protective behaviors indicative of being a Dom, but I've honestly never really thought about it. Feeling safe and taken care of. Not that I cannot take care of myself, but that he wants to.

Yes?

yes, extremely protective of my wife. I want to look after her, make sure nothing happens to her. Sometimes, she finds it attractive. Sometimes, she feels suffocated. And I'm still trying to learn to let her just be the person she wants to be. One of the biggest sticking points in our relationship that we constantly have argument over. Me trying to control everything and being quite forceful about it verbally..She's a gentle, kind soul and doesn't take to it well

 

[maveric74]

So assuming you were just looking for feedback or information you are actually in a good place with knowledgeable people. That being said, they are also protective people. Your OP does read like a personal add. You only ask for feedback from women? Wouldn't you want feedback from anyone who actually knows what they are talking about?

This place gets visited by a lot of trolls and people who come across as sexual predators so any new(ish) person posting is always suspect. So think about that and read your OP. Maybe that will help you better understand why people reacted the way they did. I hope they were wrong, but the sad fact is we will probably really never know.

Where we tread is a dangerous place where people can be hurt emotionally and physically if they trust the wrong person. So whereas part of me thinks some of the responses to your post were over aggressive and yes even vile, I understand why.

Now to answer your question, None of those things make you a Dom. Wanting to kill someone doesn't make you a murderer. Wanting to help your neighbors doesn't make you a giving person. It's in your actions. My opinion of what a dom is may not be from Websters, and maybe it is only my opinion but I feel to be a dom, someone has to want to submit to you, to trust you so much they are willing to give you themselves completely is a way most people can't even understand none the less accept.

I hope you are sincere and if so, you are in a good place to get information. My opinion, you are just into kinky shit. Not saying you can't or won't become a dom. It is obvious you have Dominant tendencies. Stick around, tell us a little about you and assuming peoples 1st impression of you was wrong, you are in a good place if what you seek is actually information and or opinions on BDSM.

Cheers Salv..Another very intelligent post, thank you. You are right about the post asking for responses from only women. I posted it without thinking. Yes, it makes perfect sense to ask opinions and feedback from everyone on here about this. It could only help me.

appreciated immensely!

 

[Farawyn]

yes, extremely protective of my wife. I want to look after her, make sure nothing happens to her. Sometimes, she finds it attractive. Sometimes, she feels suffocated. And I'm still trying to learn to let her just be the person she wants to be. One of the biggest sticking points in our relationship that we constantly have argument over. Me trying to control everything and being quite forceful about it verbally..She's a gentle, kind soul and doesn't take to it well

Do you ever rp with her?

 

[maveric74]

Perfectly stated. I will continue here.


Thank you for answering. I want to point out that you could do all the sexual things you like to do by also being the submissive part of a sexual relationship. Have you ever considered serving a domme and being rough with her when she allows it?

My personality type wouldn't accept it, I don't think. I need to be in control of all aspects of my life and hers..In my ideal scenario, I would have the right to decide when to be rough with her as long as she enjoys it as well though and is 100% comfortable with this. My wife is also not a Domme, so I couldn't even try that to be 100% certain though


Since you answer that you have no emotional or mental interest other than sexual, how does being a Dom or not actually helps you to fulfill your sexual fantasies?

I responded to Farawyn's post a while ago stating that my wife tells me constantly that I am "overly protective" of her. I can be forceful in wanting things my way (verbally) and for my wife who is a kind, soft, gentle and generous soul, this is difficult. She loves that I am protective of her, but not when it gets too suffocating for her to just be who she wants to be..a butterfly that floats all over the world.

Being a Dominant is an inner self-exploratative state during which a man or woman comes across many aspects about oneself that are difficult – if not completely disturbing – to accept.

I quote what someone said which I think is very close to what I believe.

"Submissive people feel secure when they understand their lives. They use symbols and categories to reveal the order in the world. Understanding can never be complete because each answer reveals new questions. We must appreciate that the search for truth never ends, so we must also accept that our understanding is always incomplete. When no relevant information is available we must be able to temporarily put aside our search for truth.

A dominant person excels both in the identification of opportunities and the selection of desired outcomes. He wants to “do the right thing.” The moral connotations of “right” are intended, though the determination of what is right is an intuitive process driven by some sort of vision of the world he wants to live in, and some dominant individuals have effectively brought about outcomes that most find morally abhorrent. A dominant person excels in “the vision thing.”

The struggle to “do the right thing” is never-ending. The dominant person must accept this incompleteness. He must learn to put aside his compulsion for right action when the information needed for productive action is unavailable. The world exhausts the dominant person by offering infinite opportunities and frustrates him by refusing to provide the means to achieve some desired ends. He must learn to let go when the exhaustion or frustration becomes overwhelming."

I hope I helped.

The last two paragraphs about the nature of the dominant and their struggles to do what's right? Scarily true. I need to control every aspect of my life to the point of OCD. Again, drives my wife mad. I get frustrated and angry when people don't do the right thing (according to me) and after a day of being out and about amongst people, I am exhausted physically and emotionally spent. As much as I can, I avoid crowds, shopping, public areas where people congregate. I get my energy from myself and don't need to be part of a social group/gathering. And when I see unjust things, it makes my blood boil.

responses highlighted in bold. Not sure if I know the answers to it all though..Thank you for helping..

 

[cascadiabound]

FYI, I didn't know what OP was (I guessed) and still don't know what PYL is?

OP = Original Post

PYL = Pick Your Label.

when it is capitalized it refers to the D side of the slash
when it is lower case it refers to the s side of the slash

It is a convention adopted by this board some years ago in an effort to be inclusive of all versions of how people characterize themselves without getting bogged down in
Master/ Dom/ Sir/ Domme etc

and

slave/ sub/ sissy/ little girl etc

it is defined more precisely in the sticky at the top of the Talk side of this board.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=306646

 

[Primalex]

It makes so much more sense now. If it's not worth fucking, how do you get rid of it?

Oh. You want me to reveal the tricks of the trade?

Not going to happen, sorry.

 

[MeekMe]

Oh. You want me to reveal the tricks of the trade?

Not going to happen, sorry.

Damn! Plans foiled. :kicks rocks: