Dom out of line?

[Tome Reader]

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[Tome Reader]

Re: Yep

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[Tome Reader]

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[Tome Reader]

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[Snoozebutton2]

I'm in a poly relationship with two of the most wonderful ladies in the world. I was open and honest with the women. I plan on a lifelong commitment and all three of us have had hard times and sorrow as well as joy. Your "Dom" friend sounds like a slacker. He wants it easy, with none of the hard work. D/s alone is very intense and requires a lot of energy from all parties. Both give so much and it's why trust is soo important. My advice is befriend some submissives so you can learn from someone whose been there and isn't trying to seduce or collar you. I'm sorry the person that opened you to this lifestyle was a leach. You can make great friends and even if it's not for you can learn how to spice up those quiet evenings lol.

 

[Technodivinitas]

Ciming in late (as usual...)

I'd have to say ditto to all the folks who say that it varies just as much in D/s as in mainstream, with the possible exception of a greater inensity of all the "stuff", whatever the "stuff" in any given relationship happens to be. (ie; devotion & monogamy, polyamory with heavy trust levels, marriage, multi-marriage, TPE, or PPE, or whatever...)

My Master & I have a moderately polyamorous multi-marriage 24/7, which is not TPE. (Odd, that!) At every point in which "seeing other people" has come up it has been I that initiated the shift, (except with the newest sub). When my Master met and began seeing the woman who is now his wife, I had begun "seeing" someone online. (A novice Dom with whom I had a strong connection.) He and I didn't live together at that time, and one day when he came to spend some time with me, we both kinda mutually said, "We gotta talk". It was one of those "You first... no, you first..." moments, and we both had a bit of a laugh over it once we realized that we both wanted to say the same thing.

It is in our agreement that I can see other people, and he certainly knows that I look, both at women & men, but he's extremely sensitive and possesive, so it's very clear that if I choose to go there with someone, that someone had better be worth a very careful and serious relationship negotiation.

I think that, while the Dom in question here was out of line, (if only because all parties were far from clear on what the rules were,) you, Tome Reader, were at least a little responsible, since he did say "This can't happen". Right then, or soon after, you should have asked why, and refused to go a single step further until all the cards were on the table. Still, I know that sex is a hard reaction to resist once the chemicals start mixing and foaming. After the fact at least, you were probably right to call a big ol' halt to it.

Welcome to the board- I hope you're hearing what you need, and that you find the answers to all your other questions here as well!

 

[Tome Reader]

Re: Ciming in late (as usual...)

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[Tome Reader]

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[Pure]

Tome reader said,
When I found out about his dishonesty, I cut contact. I despise dishonesty. I also emailed his sub and told her precisely what happened. I figured it was the responsible thing to do, as from what I understand of D/s relationships, they must be built on trust.

Now it could be she knew and fully advocated his behavior. I have no idea. It could be she flat out doesn't believe me. Either way, I feel I did my duty.

Let's get this straight. You fuck him. Probably you don't inquire about his status. You find out he 'collared' another, and *guess* he made a fidelity pledge to her.

Feeling guilty you break off with him, and somehow feel 'responsible' to tell her (the collared). Perhaps you feel it serves him right, if he lied.

BDSM relationships must be built on trust, and where it's betrayed you'll 'out' the parties, for the good of the community.

----
My opinion, assuming these facts: You're acting like a self righteous asshole. *You* fucked up, and want to blame the others, and even make possible innocents miserable so *you'll* feel better.

J.

 

[shy slave]

It really varies as much as it does anywhere else.

You will find open relationships, exclusive ones, bisexuals, straight people, people who cheat and people who would not dream of it.

What's acceptable behavior is generally that which the parties involved agree to.

It sounds like his lack of honesty has broken your trust.

Sometimes men and women are bastards (any site anywhere will tell you that in 100 different ways ).

You were pretty strong to break contact.

If you have a read of some threads over the last month or so you will see that Netzach sums it up well, everyone here has a different relationship.

Some play, some don't.

Master and I have an agreement: He plays I chop His balls off

I like the simple approach

When you find someone who is worth your time and efforts to please them, you will remember your experience and ask difficult questions. Trust your instinct yet at the same time, try not to approach every potential relationship with thoughts of 'will they cheat, do they already have a pyl?'

I hope Techno will not mind if I suggest you read her posts on her situation. It works for her, although I would find it an impossible one, and I have tremdous admiration for her & anyone in a poly relationship.

Don't dwell on him, he's not worth it.
You deserve what is best for you

Edit for spelling, and I checked it this time *sigh*

 

[Kajira Callista]

When I found out about his dishonesty, I cut contact. I despise dishonesty. I also emailed his sub and told her precisely what happened. I figured it was the responsible thing to do, as from what I understand of D/s relationships, they must be built on trust.

Now it could be she knew and fully advocated his behavior. I have no idea. It could be she flat out doesn't believe me. Either way, I feel I did my duty.

Let's get this straight. You fuck him. Probably you don't inquire about his status. You find out he 'collared' another, and *guess* he made a fidelity pledge to her.

Feeling guilty you break off with him, and somehow feel 'responsible' to tell her (the collared). Perhaps you feel it serves him right, if he lied.

BDSM relationships must be built on trust, and where it's betrayed you'll out the parties, for the good of the community.

----
My opinion, assuming these facts: You're acting like a self righteous asshole. *You* fucked up, and want to blame the others, and even make possible innocents miserable so *you'll* feel better.

J.

Thank you pure.

 

[Tome Reader]

Let's get this straight. You fuck him. Probably you don't inquire about his status. You find out he 'collared' another, and *guess* he made a fidelity pledge to her.

Feeling guilty you break off with him, and somehow feel 'responsible' to tell her (the collared). Perhaps you feel it serves him right, if he lied.

BDSM relationships must be built on trust, and where it's betrayed you'll out the parties, for the good of the community.

----
My opinion, assuming these facts: You're acting like a self righteous asshole. *You* fucked up, and want to blame the others, and even make possible innocents miserable so *you'll* feel better.

J.

I knew he was seeing someone. I did not know she was collared, or what it signified in the BDSM community. I did not know it meant he was supposed to be commited elsewhere.

As for the self-righteous part... that's your opinion. Obviously I struck a nerve with you, else why attack me personally?

My opinion, based off of your response: You have cheated on someone in the past, and rather than own up to it like a man and admit you're wrong, you attempt to hide it. Then someone tells your girlfriend, because heaven knows relationships must be built on trust and this person feels obligated to let her know before you continue to fuck around on her, and she breaks up with you. Rather than accept responsibility for your choices, you blame the one who told. What a man.

 

[Tome Reader]

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[shy slave]

Let's get this straight. You fuck him. Probably you don't inquire about his status. You find out he 'collared' another, and *guess* he made a fidelity pledge to her.

Feeling guilty you break off with him, and somehow feel 'responsible' to tell her (the collared). Perhaps you feel it serves him right, if he lied.

BDSM relationships must be built on trust, and where it's betrayed you'll out the parties, for the good of the community.

----
My opinion, assuming these facts: You're acting like a self righteous asshole. *You* fucked up, and want to blame the others, and even make possible innocents miserable so *you'll* feel better.

J.

I often agree with your posts Pure, but this does seem a little brutal.

Tome was asking for advice and support.
Sometimes these boards are the only place people can get information about areas in their life that they cannot share elsewhere.

Of course the good thing about this site is we can all post as we see it.

My 2 cents worth is that this seems a little out of character for you.

*wonders if Pure whats to play Drs and nurses and he can lay on the couch while shy tends to his needs*

 

[FungiUg]

What a man.

Sexism aside, women are just as capable of infidelity as men. Certainly in all of the reading I've done around it, there's been nothing to suggest that it happened more frequently with either gender.

Also, it does take two to tango. So I can see Pure's viewpoint. I'm not entirely sure I agree with it, but I do know I would have suggested you talk to the guy in question (surely you owed him that much?) and find out what the real story was. He may have been in a non-exclusive relationship with his submissive.

 

[Netzach]

I think few things do as much damage to a relationship as the friendly crusader out to save it. Particularly when the friendly crusader has illicitly fucked one of the parties and liked it.

 

[Technodivinitas]

I hope Techno will not mind if I suggest you read her posts on her situation. It works for her, although I would find it an impossible one, and I have tremdous admiration for her & anyone in a poly relationship.

Thank you again, shy- and no, I never mind. I am, as always, flattered. (Although I still don't think my lifestyle is so unusual...*S*)

Also, I don't think the question here is poly/not poly. I think it's a question of respect/no respect. I think it does sound like this top failed to show respect, either to TR, or to his sub, and likely, to both.

 

[Pure]

Well, Tome, your colors are coming through loud and clear.
Let's review a couple posts. On Aug 4, you're wondering about doms and collaring and "reading as much material as I can get my hands on about the lifestyle." You play the naif, and ask advice.

8-04
Tome Reader:
Although the relationship with this Dom was 90% vanilla, he introduced me to D/s and satisfied my initial curiosity while opening the floodgates of craving. And yes, he was already committed to his submissive, had just collared her, in fact.

So now that I've had a taste of it, I'm craving more. I'm looking into local BDSM groups and reading as much material as I can get my hands on about the lifestyle.

My concern is, however, that cheating is a given in a D/s relationship.

....Please advise.
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One day later--see below, Aug 5-- your research has obviously progressed; you compare yourself favorably to the dom, since you were responsible to no other. You judge that "he had a responsibility to his sub. He neglected that."

You earlier admitted, that, at the time you emailed the sub, you didn't know what their arrangement was. Yet you now *know* his responsibility and his ethical duties. Yeah. BDSM judge in one day. Crash course.

8-05
Tome Reader:

I own up completely to my portion of responsibility; what nags is the fact that this experienced Dom did not. I made my choice to be intimate with him and was responsible to no other; he, on the other hand, had a responsibility to his sub. He neglected that. His choice. A choice that speaks volumes about his commitment to her and his own personality, good or bad.

I got burned, I got out. Simple as that. I believe his behavior as a Dom who should have known better was unethical. He wanted it all, without obligation or responsibility.

------

What you fail to grasp is that his IYO unethical behavior (in regard to the third), encouraged by you, is not necessarily any of your business to follow up on, except as you're free to stay or leave. Do you have a moral mandate from the cosmos telling you to expose the wrongdoers of the world? To teach folks the fruits of irresponsibility?

And to bring disturbance, possibly sorrow, to those close to them, so as to increase their punishment.

Coming to your last comment (in part), entirely in mudslinging mode, unresponsive to the points at issue.


8-05
Tome Reader:
I knew he was seeing someone. I did not know she was collared, or what it signified in the BDSM community. I did not know it meant he was supposed to be commited elsewhere.
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OK, so it's clear you knew he was seeing someone. I say your behavior is no different, if we change some inessential details, from this:

A woman meets a guy at a party, and is aware he's 'seeing someone' and fucks him. Next day, she finds he's actually married, so she breaks with him, and phones the wife, and says "I fucked your husband last night."

Tome reader:
As for the self-righteous part... that's your opinion. Obviously I struck a nerve with you, else why attack me personally?

The self righteous part, the moral certainty in the second post I quoted, the vigilantism in the service of exposing evil, is pretty clear.

As to *your* personal attack, I'd ask you to read the original post, and this, and note that your sleazy actions are being commented on. Maybe you're of good character; I have no way of knowing. Maybe you supply breakfasts to the poor kids in your neighborhood.

At least a couple others here have questions about what you did.
Them you pay no attention to, while soaking up the 'strokes' and encouragements.

And this ignoring the issues makes you appear less than straightforward, esp. since a day ago you were the novice.

J.

 

[heckle]

Some good points have been brought up. While Tome Reader feels that someone has been wronged in this situation, who really knows. It is so hard to figure out the dynamics of another relationship without actually meeting someone. If the Dom in question was in a D/s relationship with a collared slave and had sex with someone who is "vanilla", how does one know for sure that the Dom was cheating? They could have a poly relationship, they could be swingers, the D/s relationship could be only during playtime and not 24/7. So, Tome (who claims to be either vanilla or a novice), has sex with the Dom (who actually initiated the sexual moments? ), finds out that he has a collared slave and feels cheated. Lets assume that the Dom IS in a poly type relationship. Should he have told Tome that he was in a poly relationship then had to explain what it was? Was the sex between the Dom and Tome just a "one night stand"? Did the Dom's other partner know about the Dom having intimate relations with others? By informing the collared submissive, how close did Tome come to the awful "outing" which is so frowned upon in the BDSM community?

I know that a person is not able to understand all of the different styles or nuances of the BDSM lifestyle overnight or even in a few years. There is no rule book or manual that tells you how things are. There is no "cut and dry". What works for one dynamic may not work for another. What you should have done (and hopefully you have) was to talk to the Dom about the situation and how you felt. You never know, you may have learned something instead of rocking the boat.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[kitty4ever]

Don't get me wrong, I think that you're commendable for getting out of a bad situation that would probably get worse. However, I don't think it was right to tell the other sub. That was not your responsibility. Telling him what a horrible, lying piece of scum that he is, was your option.

Now, since you knew he was seeing another, you shouldn't have slept with him. I know, when the juices are going, it's hard, but I've not been with a Dom that did not, up front, ask me for my safe words. If something went out like that, I have every right to say no. Now, I've never had a Dom misuse my trust that he wouldn't take it to that step, so it's possible that he wouldn't listen to me.

You've done some good, some bad. Like the rest of us, you're not perfect.

 

[Tome Reader]

Do you have a moral mandate from the cosmos telling you to expose the wrongdoers of the world? To teach folks the fruits of irresponsibility?

Funny how you accuse me of this, yet you're doing the very same thing. Do you have a moral mandate to call me on my shit?

I thought not.

And to bring disturbance, possibly sorrow, to those close to them, so as to increase their punishment.

As you are not open to the reasons why I told, I will not debate them with you. It's not any of your business, either.

OK, so it's clear you knew he was seeing someone. I say your behavior is no different, if we change some inessential details, from this:

Seeing someone, yes. Did I know it was exclusive? No. I figured he was man enough to act appropriately.

The self righteous part, the moral certainty in the second post I quoted, the vigilantism in the service of exposing evil, is pretty clear.

Seriously Pure, one could say the same of you. Pot calling the kettle black?

As to *your* personal attack, I'd ask you to read the original post, and this, and note that your sleazy actions are being commented on. Maybe you're of good character; I have no way of knowing. Maybe you supply breakfasts to the poor kids in your neighborhood.

Sleazy. Thank you, I got a chuckle out of that, especially considering the source.

At least a couple others here have questions about what you did. Them you pay no attention to, while soaking up the 'strokes' and encouragements.

Thank you oh God Pure for calling me on my shit. I didn't know you were called to serve, pardon my infraction. Yes, please flog me and absolve me of my sins. Thank you for pointing out the error of my ways. In future I will try to live by Thy rules since you do, in fact, know it all.

And this ignoring the issues makes you appear less than straightforward, esp. since a day ago you were the novice.

J.

The only thing you're proving by all of this is that you're a confrontational ass with a personal agenda.

Could I have been smarter, given the situation? Hell yes. That's not the question. The question was if this Dom acted out of line in regards to his collared submissive.

Did I act appropriately given the information I had -which was, at best, half truths? Yes. I could have asked the same questions dozens of times and still gotten the same version of the "truth" from him, which wasn't the truth at all. Hindsight's 20/20.

To each their own. My "right" isn't yours, and yours sure as hell isn't mine. Why not jump down off of your judgmental high horse and agree to disagree.

 

[Tome Reader]

Also, I don't think the question here is poly/not poly. I think it's a question of respect/no respect. I think it does sound like this top failed to show respect, either to TR, or to his sub, and likely, to both.

Thank you. I couldn't agree more.

 

[Tome Reader]

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[Tome Reader]

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[Tome Reader]

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