Dominance issues.

[YourCaptor]

I'm not talking bondage relationship, I'm giving tips for a relationship where one member is temporally disabled.

 

[hunniebunny]

great question lately I am having issue knowing how to express myself?? lol any ideas somebody??
just guess got lost pleaseing the other side forgot how to please myself ??

 

[LockDownBadBoy]

Pleasing yourself is easy. First, you..., never mind. I'm sure you know how.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I can't answer for anyone else, but it would worsen the situation for me. I would feel like I've lost yet more control because she is having to be prodded to do the things she used to do as part of normal service.

There are other ways though. To use an example, I am not one of those for whom bathroom control is even remotely interesting. Yet MIS makes a point of asking if she may go to the restroom when we are chatting or together. When apart, she goes on he rown recognizance, but if we're interacting, she sees it as a courtesy. Sort of like some asking to be excused from the table during a meal. While she is not prompting me for an order, she is acknowledging that I am her Master and she acts and moves at my whims. If she is going to do something that requires her to leave my presence for a moment, she asks leave to do so first.

It is a reminder of control on both of our parts, and something she initiates in a soft manner that does not in any way connote topping from the bottom or demands on her part. Bathroom, bed, leaving to go to an appointment, etc are all things she asks leave to do. I find it to be an excellent reinforcement, and non-intrusive.

Therein lies the key, in my eyes. If a slave is being slack to force demands on the part of the Owner, said slave is being intrusive, and stepping out of place. Please note, this opinion of mine only relates to M/s. D/s and T/b relationships are different animals. Submissives and bottoms have different boundaries. And, as further disclaimer, this is MY opinion, and relates to how _I_ operate. Your mileage may vary.

The best advice I can give to someone on the other side of the low-mojo Owner problem is to counsel patience. The human problem is one we all face, and hopefully the PYL will eventually pull out of it.

Reading through your answer and rereading my question I can see I really didn't explain clearly...I wasn't advocating topping from the bottom and there is a big difference between gently encouraging and forcing demands. In my case it's not really a loss of mojo as much as real life situations continually making things difficult.

(I tried for a while to think of a example of what I was talking about but I couldn't without revealing too much... Homburg, thank you for taking the time to answer )

 

[ataxia.girl]

The part in bold I would agree with when the Dominant is at his confident best. I wonder though...if the Dominant is not feeling very dominant, self assured , top of their game if the submissive gently encouraged him to make demands by not doing things before he asked for them that this would help?

I ask for personal reasons too, due to circumstances in my own relationship unfortunately

i think it depends on the relationship and the Dominant. i have to rebel a little sometimes because i need to feel the tension. i want to feel His Domination as well as my own submission. Sometimes i think we get in a rut where we can be so focused on being a good slave we don't leave a space for the Domination to really play out. i want to feel Him Dominating me not me dominating me.

If i am feeling not Dominated i react like someone who is not Dominated. i don't necessarily try to have some adult conversation about it where we work through it. That's just way too egalitarian for me. i do something to show the truthfulness of the situation which is that he is, for whatever reason, not Dominating me and let the chips fall where they may.

It is important to be transparent. To me this means not just telling someone what i "think" but what i am feeling. Sometimes that is the very best way. Rather than trying to help him by analyzing the situation and telling him what you think and what you want and trying to solve the problem yourself simply tell him what you feel. i feel frustrated, angry, adrift, confused etc. Let him decide what to do, if anything, about that.

When you don't feel like doing something you have always done because you don't feel like he has been Dominating tell him and let him see the emotion. Make sure it is transparent how you feel about your obedience at all times. It is not your job to make it seem like you are always completely happy in your submission, it is your job to obey.

i've been known in problem moments to just burst into tears or get angry and say "fix it!". It often works much much better than silently letting resentment and martyrdom grow or giving a lot of suggestions.

i really believe in order for Male Dominance to shine you absolutely must let your feminine emotions just hang out no matter how scary and uncomfortable it is for all involved. For me they are much more quickly diffused and more easily dealt with than if i try to suppress it and just march ahead.

 

[ataxia.girl]

I just don't feel like she needs anything from me. I don't feel like her Master.

Rereading this and reading ES's post and then Homburg's really just makes me think that in a lot of ways when we suck it up as subs and continue to serve at our best when things aren't going well the message that is being conveyed is that we don't need our Masters. i get it in the short term but long term i think it can be very detrimental to Him and ourselves.

Maybe you don't feel like her Master because what is being conveyed with her perfect obedience in the absence of your Dominance that you are no longer essential except as a placeholder. i don't believe this is true. She is submitting to the memory of your Dominance and the hope to have it again but the longer she is able to carry on perfectly in the absence of your Domination "now" the less essential you feel.

If His Dominance is broken it makes no sense to me that her submission just continues to flow and survive flawlessly without Him; eventually it has to break or it is not truly dependent on Him and if she really is His her submission is dependent on His Dominance by nature of being His.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Rereading this and reading ES's post and then Homburg's really just makes me think that in a lot of ways when we suck it up as subs and continue to serve at our best when things aren't going well the message that is being conveyed is that we don't need our Masters. i get it in the short term but long term i think it can be very detrimental to Him and ourselves.

Maybe you don't feel like her Master because what is being conveyed with her perfect obedience in the absence of your Dominance that you are no longer essential except as a placeholder. i don't believe this is true. She is submitting to the memory of your Dominance and the hope to have it again but the longer she is able to carry on perfectly in the absence of your Domination "now" the less essential you feel.

If His Dominance is broken it makes no sense to me that her submission just continues to flow and survive flawlessly without Him; eventually it has to break or it is not truly dependent on Him and if she really is His her submission is dependent on His Dominance by nature of being His.

I have to disagree to a certain extent. I made a vow to submit, to obey, to be owned by my PYL. There were no conditions. No "as long as he is healthy", or "as long as he continues to dominate me".

I frequently will keep any frustration or discontent about the relationship to myself. I believe it is disrespectful to complain or nag or pout. As Homburg conseled, I am patient. Usually whatever is upseting me will blow over or I will learn how to accept it. I KNOW that my PYL loves me. For us it is the relationship itself that is more important than the D/s aspects. Even if he were to decide to go vanilla I will still obey and submit to him.

I will admit that I am a better submissive when he is more dominant. I sometimes get a little lax when he seems to not be paying attention. But I get that way not to get attention or to try to force dominance--I just get lazy