Dominants that have never heard of safecalls...

[Krinaia]

I wish I'd made this thread a poll... I'm tempted to do a poll now.

But let me get this straight, just to make sure I understand everyone..

with the exception of Betticus, you all think that anyone who hasn't heard of safecalls YET claims to be an experienced dominant must therefore be lying OR new to the online community?

 

[Miss Diva]

Does no one ever just go out and meet for coffee anymore? It's pretty easy, she drives her car there and meets you in a public place. You talk, get a feel for each other. Next time you may meet her somewhere else and meet the friends/family and all that. They make it sound like everyone out in the world is a serial killer preying on subs.

Also, I see that I'd be expected to provide a resume of sorts with references that she can call to confirm stuff.

I'm not a big one for girls that are self destructive but to be honest if one wants to put me through all of this stuff it might not be her that is thinking of running away from it. I'd be thinking that I'm dealing with a schizo.

I usually do what you describe and feel the other peson off. One Dom did not believe in using safe words so I said goodbye (we were still at the coffee stage at this point). Also if I am meeting for coffee only, I put a stick it note on my computer screen with the guy's name and number and place where we are to meet along with his screen name. A little paranoid I know but one never knows. Typically I do not have safe calls for coffee only.

 

[FurryFury]

Skyline Blue,

It sounds to me that you are talking with some twinks.

I don't believe that dominants that haven't heard of safe calls can be very experienced or careful.

If I were ever to be looking for one, I'd want one who was knowledgeable and safety minded. Maybe that's just me. I like to learn from experienced people about what I am interested in, most of the time.

Fury

 

[shy slave]

I wish I'd made this thread a poll... I'm tempted to do a poll now.

But let me get this straight, just to make sure I understand everyone..

with the exception of Betticus, you all think that anyone who hasn't heard of safecalls YET claims to be an experienced dominant must therefore be lying OR new to the online community?

A poll would be a good idea.

I think anyone who hasnt heard of a 'safe call,' whether they are vanilla or D/s may have been hiding under a rock or simply lying.

Even going for coffee in a public place is a risk, after all at some point you have to leave and go home, alone.

If he has nothing to hide he will make sure you feel safe, otherwise there are plenty more Doms in the sea!

But thats just my opinion *shrug*

 

[graceanne]

That is kind of off.

I've never been to one of these munch things, I assumed it's some kind of buffet type of thing. So from reading the link I can assume that meeting someone that you only know online entails being taken to a munch and being grilled by everyone there as to your intentions/experience, etc...

Does no one ever just go out and meet for coffee anymore? It's pretty easy, she drives her car there and meets you in a public place. You talk, get a feel for each other. Next time you may meet her somewhere else and meet the friends/family and all that. They make it sound like everyone out in the world is a serial killer preying on subs.

Also, I see that I'd be expected to provide a resume of sorts with references that she can call to confirm stuff.

I'm not a big one for girls that are self destructive but to be honest if one wants to put me through all of this stuff it might not be her that is thinking of running away from it. I'd be thinking that I'm dealing with a schizo.

I actually can see what you're talking about. Yes, their are risks in meeting someone for coffee, but their are also risks in meeting someone at the mall or a supermarket, but you don't do safe calls on the first date with people like that. On the other hand if you don't think you have the self control to keep from going home with him/her then a safe call would be a good idea. Also, if you decide to go home with him/her calling and letting a friend know, and THEN arranging a safe call, is a good idea.

 

[Betticus]

Your reading comprehension "kind of off" to quote you... "Meet in a public place, like a munch, a cafe, or restaurant and try to steer away from pubs and alcohol; getting tipsy will cloud your judgment"

Coffee is mentioned as an alternative to going to a munch for a first meeting here.
Being unable to properly read through the material if you're going to quote or paraphrase it - makes me sort of discount what you're saying right from the begining... sorry!

Plus, I was talking about the overall concept of using a safecall - not necessarily abou tthis particular author's suggestions on the best way to prepare and execute a safecall. My reason for providing this article was that on the chance one of the lurkers or posters WAS unfamiliar with the terminology - could be introduced to it and in my laziness, this was the first link in my bookmarks that met my requirements.

And uh, you're the schizo cruising for midgets at nightclubs and reading the onion for weight loss tips.

I should have been more clear. When I said "kind of off" I meant that it was out of my realm of experience. You will also have to forgive me for replying after coming home from a 12 hour graveyard shift at work. I was very tired.

It's off for me mainly because I wouldn't try to play with someone before I get to know them pretty well in real life. I don't like it when strangers, people I don't trust or know touch me in a casual manner and I treat others the same way that I like to be treated.

Maybe a lot of people would like to be grabbed and smooched by the cute lil midget girl but like I said, I don't know her well at all and I don't like being touched like that by people I don't trust and know.

The Onion was just funny.

 

[Krinaia]

I should have been more clear. When I said "kind of off" I meant that it was out of my realm of experience. You will also have to forgive me for replying after coming home from a 12 hour graveyard shift at work. I was very tired.

It's off for me mainly because I wouldn't try to play with someone before I get to know them pretty well in real life. I don't like it when strangers, people I don't trust or know touch me in a casual manner and I treat others the same way that I like to be treated.

Maybe a lot of people would like to be grabbed and smooched by the cute lil midget girl but like I said, I don't know her well at all and I don't like being touched like that by people I don't trust and know.

The Onion was just funny.

the Onion usually is and I do see your point to - why should dominants always have to expose themselves by giving personal information to prospective submissives. This is why I usually ask for a cell number, a name and a picture. It's enough to identify them when I meet them and enough to give the police should something bad happen. At least for a first meeting. And then, I talk the crap out of them before we meet.... and I agree, I dont like when people casually touch me and I don't know them well. At a munch, a guy I had met and chatted with actually asked me if I'd rather shake hands or hug in departing... I really appreciated that courtesy.

Damn graveyard shifts, tiring out our local Dominants.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I'll have to chime in on the side of the "if he isn't at least familiar with the concept of safecalls" he's inexperienced with online meetings. The terminology may be different in other areas.

Shoot, drag him to a munch and let us get out the rubber hoses and we'll give him the 5th degree! (Like the 3rd degree only more so!)
*grins*

Look for red flags, trust your instincts. If something "feels wrong" bug out. Better safe than sorry.

 

[Betticus]

Well, I don't have anything to hide but if she is that paranoid then I have to wonder what other kind of baggage I will have to be dealing with.

If simply meeting me in a public place with the understanding that it is just for us to get to know each other isn't enough I don't think I want to bother.

For the record I've only met one person in real life that I first "met" online. And that was to meet someone who was in the local 4x4 and offroad vehicle clubs.

 

[graceanne]

Well, I don't have anything to hide but if she is that paranoid then I have to wonder what other kind of baggage I will have to be dealing with.

If simply meeting me in a public place with the understanding that it is just for us to get to know each other isn't enough I don't think I want to bother.

For the record I've only met one person in real life that I first "met" online. And that was to meet someone who was in the local 4x4 and offroad vehicle clubs.

I think that paranoia for that kind of thing doesn't mean extra baggage all the time. I mean look at how often even we stress safety and the horrors of strangers. Then you get those news broadcasts about someone who met someone else from online and now they're missing. If you have a good imagination it's easy to get really scared.

Quite frankly, when I switched my msn to graceanne I had to let my mom know so she could add me. I just said it was safer, that I liked to chat with people, but I don't want them to know my real name. Now, if she IM's me first she asks who it is. Just in case someone's hacked my account or something. That's paranoid.

 

[chris9]

Paranoid or not, I tend to ALWAYS tell someone (my sister, parents, boyfriend) where I'm going and when I expect to be back. I see it as courtesy to the people I live with to tell them that much. I never saw it as annoying telling my parents where I was going, as they were doing the same. That way if I'm way too late home, they know something is wrong and can go look for me. (To me especially important when jogging/biking so I can be found should I have an accident.)

So if I were to meet anyone from online, or a casual aquaintance to get to know better, I would tell someone where I was going and with whom and when I would be back.

 

[Snoozebutton2]

I was speaking with a new submissive and brought up safe calls and she had no clue. I proceeded to tell her, she asked if the dominant might get offended. I said if worth his salt he would encourage her to be safe. I also told her she too had a responsibility to the other person who was her safe call. As had a bad experience being the one by the phone for over 12 hours wondering if someone was dead or alive. Calls are there for a reason. And respect is a two way street. So there is a need to set the calls and follow through.

 

[graceanne]

A dominant who is against safe calls is hiding something and you should RUN.

If they just don't know about 'em, explain. But be worried - the bdsm community isn't the only one that uses safe calls. They're suggested anytime you're meeting someone from online.

 

[DreamSensualist]

.......

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

Personally, I have always used them and always will. Recently I went on a trip and checked in with three separate safe calls verbally once a day and via text a couple of times a day. As I grow to know a person better, those will taper off in frequency a bit but will not cease. If I was on a "normal" trip, I would still check in on my friends on a regular basis, so it's not a huge difference to me.

Edited to add:
If I was discussing meeting with a dominant who didn't want safe calls to interfere with our time or didn't think they were important, at best I would assume he was equally careless in play and would steer clear of him.

 

[Homburg]

*blinks*

I've been involved with BDSM for almost ten years. Prior to this past year, and late in the year I might add, I'd never heard of safecalls. I've yet to use one, or had one used by anyone meeting me (to my knowledge. What they did out of my sight I have no idea).

I would hardly call myself inexperienced, I've just never had the urge to meet anyone in person that I met online prior to this year. As a result, "proper" protocols were something that had exactly zero importance in my life.

So I guess I am a bit confused by the people that think that ignorance of safecalls, or even the terminology of safecall, immediately has to mean inexperience or, worse, a predator. If said dom is actively against the concept, I would be suspicious, sure, but just for the horrible crime of being ignorant?

C'mon y'all, ignorance is treatable. It's stupidity that's terminal. I would hate to see someone worthwhile passed up because they were ignorant of a term that nothing intrinsic to do with BDSM, just online dating. It doesn't make sense to me that lack of a minor criteria like this could be a deal-breaker.

 

[Yasashii_Kaze]

I guess I should clarify. I am talking about meeting someone from online, going from online to real life. Unfortunately that's really all I can do right now. If I was able to go to a munch and meet people and develop a relationship the average way, safe calls would not be as much of an issue.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

But let me get this straight, just to make sure I understand everyone..

with the exception of Betticus, you all think that anyone who hasn't heard of safecalls YET claims to be an experienced dominant must therefore be lying OR new to the online community?

Welllll... considering the number of people above who said they're familiar with the concept but didn't recognize that particular term, you might have to couch your poll in such a manner that safecalls were defined so people who knew the concept but not the term would know what you meant.

 

[EmpressFi]

Welllll... considering the number of people above who said they're familiar with the concept but didn't recognize that particular term, you might have to couch your poll in such a manner that safecalls were defined so people who knew the concept but not the term would know what you meant.

yeah, I agree. It wasnt until safecall was defined that I realized what was being asked.

I know Malin's former Domme used safecalls, in fact he was her safecall a couple of times.

 

[Fauna]

*blinks*

I've been involved with BDSM for almost ten years. Prior to this past year, and late in the year I might add, I'd never heard of safecalls. I've yet to use one, or had one used by anyone meeting me (to my knowledge. What they did out of my sight I have no idea).

I would hardly call myself inexperienced, I've just never had the urge to meet anyone in person that I met online prior to this year. As a result, "proper" protocols were something that had exactly zero importance in my life.

So I guess I am a bit confused by the people that think that ignorance of safecalls, or even the terminology of safecall, immediately has to mean inexperience or, worse, a predator. If said dom is actively against the concept, I would be suspicious, sure, but just for the horrible crime of being ignorant?

C'mon y'all, ignorance is treatable. It's stupidity that's terminal. I would hate to see someone worthwhile passed up because they were ignorant of a term that nothing intrinsic to do with BDSM, just online dating. It doesn't make sense to me that lack of a minor criteria like this could be a deal-breaker.

I agree with Homburg. I've doing this for about eight years now and all of my partners have been people that I've met through other people. I've never done a safe call. When I was dating, I'd let someone know where I was going, with who and when I'd be home. My mom or friend would usually call at some point of the date to check in on me. So maybe that was a safe call, but not pre-arranged.

I don't think I'm a predator or inexperienced. Ignorant of what you are talking about, yes. I would suggest though that if someone got angry or was trying to be too controlling of you checking in (either Domme or sub), like a safe call, then that is something to worry about.

Not everyone has the same level of online dating experience.

 

[serijules]

Um, I have to say I think the safecall thing is something that was born in the online community so I can certainly see people of either side of the coin not having heard of them if they are not big on the online participation.

It's also something I feel is fairly new. Older dominants and submissives that have been active in the lifestyle for many years are not necessarily going to think in the same "protection" mode that younger people do. Years ago meeting people at bars and going home with them was nothing to blink at. Nowadays most people would have a cow at the mere thought. Safety needs and requirements have changed a lot over the years. Why is it so hard to imagine the same would apply for a safecall?

I personally agree with safecalls but I would not write someone off as a newbie or an idiot if they had never heard of one. I would reserve that reaction for someone who refused to RESPECT my desire for a safecall.

 

[00Syd]

Shit, I've been meeting people online for years and have never heard of safecalls.

Learn something new everyday, huh?

 

[graceanne]

all of my partners have been people that I've met through other people.

Exactly. They're people who you either know or someone you know, knows. A safecall is not as important as it is when you know nothing CONCRETE about a person. In online meets, the person you meet could be telling the truth or they could be a serial killer. Don't believe me? Ask Evil Geoff - he lost a friend to a serial killer.

 

[Fauna]

My point was that even though I never did it or knew what a safecall was, it doesn't lessen who I am as a Domme, which is what I thought this thread was about -- basically that Dommes who don't know what safecalls are aren't good Dommes.

If you read my entire post, it seems I was doing safecalls anyway, just not specifically planning them. I have been VERY reluctant to meet anyone who I didn't meet through a friend for fear of getting hurt.

I met my current sub online and my husband came with me to meet him. My husband has extensive self-defense training.

You can never be too cautious!!!

 

[celticsunspiral]

The two times I have met someone I met online I had safety procedures in place. Of course, I am new to the online communtity.

For me as a mom (17 yr old daughter) and teacher (middle school computers) I have spent years drilling into kids heads the dangers of the internet, and how people could pretend to be anyone or anything. Internet predetors. I guess I drilled it in my mind as well.

Better safe than sorry!