Domination without Humiliation

[Guest]

Re: Quite so!!!!!!!

Quite so DVS, quite so, if the submissive considers he/she to be in command they will not feel humiliated, on the other hand a lot of submissives do it because they get their rock's on feeling humiliated as well as dominated.

Yep, you've both hit it spot on there, as has Raphy.

I like to play the submissive, I like to feel dominated and even 'used'. However, I am also very strong willed, and like to be in complete control. I suppose you could say that I never fully submit, I 'act' it, but remain in control at all times. I direct whatever goes on, and tell him what I want him to do, then I get completely wrapped up in him doing it, at that point I feel like I've submitted. I never feel humiliated, unless that's what I want at the time.

Now, if I were to meet a man strong-willed enough to completely dominate me, well...

Lou

 

[Guest]

 

[Pure]

At first blush, I agree with renza and lou. you can have an agreed spanking or tying, then get on with dinner.{**Added, correction, below}

However, SeattleZ does have a point: WHY does this grown woman (or man) get off on 'spanking' (being spanked). Surely it's not just the tingly skin of bum. It's humiliating, maybe degrading; adults don't get spanked. Heck, what *teen age* girl could say to her friend's, "When I got home late I got spanked."

So I submit, that the spankees, in fact, support Seattle's point.

Take an act of punishment adults do use, like "I'm not speaking to you. " or "Get outa my life" or "You're an asshole." I bet renza or lou wouldn't find those acts erotic at all.



**Added correction: I see that lou did not in fact specify a way in which she would be dominated (thus did NOT mention spanking or tying). So the degree of humiliation is not possible to tell. She did speak of being 'used', and perhaps in that respect, 'humiliation' does apply--as perhaps she agrees.

 

[Guest]

Take an act of punishment adults do use, like "I'm not speaking to you. " or "Get outa my life" or "You're an asshole." I bet renza or lou wouldn't find those acts erotic at all.

Pure, I not once mentioned spanking.

Spanking isn't, as a rule, something I go for. I have been known to enjoy it on occassion, though, perhaps when I was in the mood for a little humiliation, but this is rare. I guess this kind of reinforces the point that both you and Zack made.

I won't make you blush further by going into detail about the kind of things that we do get up to. Oh, and btw, I do find aggressive name calling erotic, if that counts.

Lou

 

[Guest]

the only humiliation involved is when she tells me I'm useless at it and too gentle.

This did make me laugh, not by the line alone but because I know and love the man. Yet, there's a reality and substance to be gleaned from it per this discussion.

1. First, I think humiliation is not understood across-the-board, so to speak. And please don't pull out your dictionaries (can we go beyond that now). Think of the fact that humility* in itself is neither good nor bad (just deal with the words, please). One's humility or humiliation is in one's control (I excuse defenseless children here); think about it—who else could possibly, at heart, control it?

2. I've said often that any sexual relation (not necessarily relationship) is power-based. No matter the genders, age diffs, etc., it's ultimately about power and "who controls the fuck".

End of points. I'm not going to sum anything up here or answer any questions (or submit to anyone, haha). But I urge anyone making final or exact pronouncements on the original question to think a bit more. Excuse me if that sounds self-important, I simply mean it, and it comes from my own sense of humility.

sincerely, Perdita
________________
* Here I only want to focus on the meaning (vs. definition) of humility. One might think of it at times as a weak human quality, akin with timidity, meekness, servility—but that’s for those who go by the book (dictionary). I offer only one example of the profundity of discovering humility, taken from O. Wilde’s De Profundis, a long letter written from Reading Gaol and published later under that title.

“But while there were times when I rejoiced in the idea that my sufferings were to be endless, I could not bear them to be without meaning. Now I find hidden somewhere away in my nature something that tells me that nothing in the whole world is meaningless, and suffering least of all. That something hidden away in my nature, like a treasure in a field, is Humility.

 

[Guest]

 

[raphy]

At first blush, I agree with renza and lou. you can have an agreed spanking or tying, then get on with dinner.

However, SeattleZ does have a point: WHY does this grown woman (or man) get off on 'spanking' (being spanked). Surely it's not just the tingly skin of bum. It's humiliating, maybe degrading; adults don't get spanked. Heck, what *teen age* girl could say to her friend's, "When I got home late I got spanked."

So I submit, that the spankees, in fact, support Seattle's point.

Take an act of punishment adults do use, like "I'm not speaking to you. " or "Get outa my life" or "You're an asshole." I bet renza or lou wouldn't find those acts erotic at all.

Spanking does not a dom/me make.

To exert your domination over another human being in its purest form requires no force, no raised voices, no insults, no spanking, nor cuffs, nor chains, nor whips or other implements.

You have only to look at them in the right way.

Force of will. That's domination. Everything else is something that happens afterwards.

 

[Guest]

TateLou,
make ME blush then...please.

rhino-fascinated

You asked for it!

 

[Guest]

You have only to look at them in the right way.

Force of will. That's domination. Everything else is something that happens afterwards.

Raff, your whole post is well put, and I agree w/you. I only quote this bit as it reminded me of myself when my sons were very young. I did not need to hurt or humiliate them to have them obey me or do something for me. Their father never understood this.

'dita

 

[Guest]

 

[raphy]

Ah, it was a sub that told me that, once. She taught me most of what I know about being dominant. I don't play around much in 'the scene' as it were (And you probably won't find me over on the BDSM boards.)

I've always figured that if you don't have the force of will and 'that look' in your eye that makes others submit to you purely by presence of personality, then you probably shouldn't call yourself a dom/me.

She had some lingerie that she was teasing me about. I asked her to wear it. She refused. I told her to wear it. She refused. Then I told her again, and she stopped me and said, "Don't tell me, tell me."

So I paused, looked away for a moment, then turned back, looked at her, and then I told her.

She wore it.

 

[Guest]

Raffo, that's great. You'll make a fine Dad (plus based on what else I know about you).

warmly, 'dita

 

[Chicklet]

Sweet...

I think you need to just sit down and write, staying away from any topics that you consider humiliating. Write a dinner out where the dom does nothing more than order for his sub, maybe they play footsy under the table and act like a normal couple otherwise. Asking how to write a story without humiliation in it without any details...it's hard to say "how to write it" - I need to know what kind of story you want to write. Or else, just write it, and then have your editor help. That's my say.

Chicklet

 

[destinie21]

As usual Raph you hit the nail on the head, and Dita your non answer is accurate. In anycase it dosen't matter who is the apparent "submissive" because I can tell you without a doubt whether I'm spanking her or not I'm always willing to "submit" to Renza wishes.

The Mrs who you can't judge by her cover

 

[raphy]

Raffo, that's great. You'll make a fine Dad (plus based on what else I know about you).

warmly, 'dita

*hugs 'dita* ..

The costume designer for the amateur movie I'm involved in has two charming girls, one is 7, the other is 4. I'm spending a lot of time with them right now, being that I get to oversee all of that type of stuff as production designer.

Her kids love me. They call me Unle Dave and cry when I leave. It's cute =)

 

[Guest]

Her kids love me. They call me Unle Dave and cry when I leave. It's cute =)

Yeah, I'd cry too.

'dita

 

[sweetnpetite]

Pure, I not once mentioned spanking.



I won't make you blush further by going into detail about the kind of things that we do get up to. Oh, and btw, I do find aggressive name calling erotic, if that counts.

Lou

OH, PLease do!!! Or if you would not like to talk about it here, go ahead and post on my BDSM thread, where I have gone more into detail about the story and the reason for it

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=203637&perpage=25&pagenumber=1

 

[pop_54]

Re: Re: Quite so!!!!!!!

Yep, you've both hit it spot on there, as has Raphy.

I like to play the submissive, I like to feel dominated and even 'used'.

Now, if I were to meet a man strong-willed enough to completely dominate me, well...

Lou

Umm, I'll try to be really butch, honest, I can do it, honest

 

[sweetnpetite]

Ah, it was a sub that told me that, once. She taught me most of what I know about being dominant. I don't play around much in 'the scene' as it were (And you probably won't find me over on the BDSM boards.)

I've always figured that if you don't have the force of will and 'that look' in your eye that makes others submit to you purely by presence of personality, then you probably shouldn't call yourself a dom/me.

She had some lingerie that she was teasing me about. I asked her to wear it. She refused. I told her to wear it. She refused. Then I told her again, and she stopped me and said, "Don't tell me, tell me."

So I paused, looked away for a moment, then turned back, looked at her, and then I told her.

She wore it.

God that's sexy...

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: Quite so!!!!!!!

Umm, I'll try to be really butch, honest, I can do it, honest

Go on then, babe, give me your best shot.

Loulou

 

[Guest]

OH, PLease do!!! Or if you would not like to talk about it here, go ahead and post on my BDSM thread, where I have gone more into detail about the story and the reason for it

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=203637&perpage=25&pagenumber=1

I might just do that, or at least go and have a lookie. Maybe I'll pluck up the courage. Thanks for the invite.

*Edited to say: perhaps not, I don't think I'm quite brave enough to get stuck in there. Sorry to wimp out. I will go into a little more detail here, (although I won't discuss any of the rough, more physical stuff). I enjoy being cuffed and tied up, I also love to be blindfolded, and play the game of 'guess the object'. I'll leave the rest up to your vivid imagination.

Lou

 

[sweetnpetite]

Tell me how 'guess the object' works. I'm intrieged.


(why so scared- they don't bite. Well, some do, but online bites don't hurt that much, lol)

 

[Guest]

I'll PM you.

Lou

 

[sweetnpetite]

Re: Sweet...

I think you need to just sit down and write, staying away from any topics that you consider humiliating. Write a dinner out where the dom does nothing more than order for his sub, maybe they play footsy under the table and act like a normal couple otherwise. Asking how to write a story without humiliation in it without any details...it's hard to say "how to write it" - I need to know what kind of story you want to write. Or else, just write it, and then have your editor help. That's my say.

Chicklet

Good point, and good advice.

I should point out that the sub will be male, and it is important for him to still feel like a man through out. (A man who is secure enough to let the woman take charge) That is why -no humilliation.

 

[raphy]

Well, SnP - The rules for that sort of domination are the same for men as they are for women - You're submitting because you want to please your partner. Their needs are your needs. Their desires are your desires. Their pleasure is your pleasure. There doesn't need to be humiliation involved, and a domme who knows that her male sub is submitting because of a desire to please, rather than a desire to be humiliated (everyone's different) will know how to dominate without humiliating.

Remember, a cliche is only a cliche because it's mostly true - And a lot of male subs do actually come from the stereotypical high-power business community. For them, it's not about humiliation, it's about the loss of control.

It's an old story, but quite often it's true - A person who is a strong-willed control freak in their life can find being dominated a very exciting thing, and a turn on...

And the look that I was talking about earlier - The tilt of the head, the look in the eyes, the set of the hips.. The entire set of body language .. That isn't restricted to men. A good dominant will have that look, no matter what gender they are.

Good luck on the story, and let us know when it's finished. I'd love to read it (and I'll throw out an offer to edit it, should you need it)