Double Blind 3 - Poems and Critiques Only

[Magnetron]

Truth to Flesh

Line 4 reads as a typo to me. It wants to read as "walls of text".

Line 26 is a bit redundant with "words of text".

The final line would benefit from a question mark.

It's a poem about an online relationship. We read many of these. So what do we have here that already hasn't been said by what is likely thousands of other poets literally in the same way? This poem would benefit more from a fresh or unique take on an already familiar situation.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Truth to Flesh

In my pre-Lit lifetime, I submitted a poem on another poetry website, and the first comment was "Oh no, not another Salomé poem!"

I still think there's alot that can be said about Salomé as well as social media. It isn't so much the "what," but how the "what" is expressed IMO.

There are some really good lines in "Truth to Flesh," including the title. It captured my imagination from the get go. However, i believe the good lines have less impact because some lines don't really add to the poem. If the poet culls those lines, I think the good lines will stand out more.

For example, I'm not sure the first stanza adds anything to the poem. The second, on the other hand, effectively established what the poem is about and with the excellent title, now I'm really curious to know what's coming next.

Furthermore, "technology" is almost an abstraction. Just my opinion, but I don't think that's a good way to start a poem.

"Painted whore.....bended knee" sounds erotic, but for me, at least, the erotic lines that follow speak to something more than a BJ fantasy: "with messages back and forth," "played as a lover's game," and "innocence of flesh" say it better because they suggest.

"Splayed in the deep dark of night" is compelling. I like the pairing of "the truth of you/and the truth of me." The next line, "Lusting to written word" doesn't add anything to the poem. We already know that. Deleting it IMO makes the stanza stronger. In the next stanza, why not say something different than "words of texts," such as "CU46 tomorrow night again," or something similar? In fact, 1 or 2 other "sext" abbreviations inserted in the poem might not be a bad idea, although I wouldn't overdo it.

Lastly, I like the way the last line loops back to the excellent title.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Furthermore, "technology" is almost an abstraction. Just my opinion, but I don't think that's a good way to start a poem.

It has become an annoying pop culture convention to use the term "technology" to mean just the narrow field of digital entertainment/communications. Unfortunately, that seems to be the only area where we are making much progress. OK, now get off my lawn.

 

[Angeline]

I agree with GM's comments (also with AH's comment about the use of "technology"). Truth to Flesh is well written, a cohesive exploration of pixels that go bump in the night. However I tend not to react well to poems on certain subjects like this one (D/s relationships is another), if only because I've read so many of them here at Lit.

While there are some great lines (like GM said, "Splayed in the deep dark of night" is really good with it's sexual implication), the poem could use some editing to lose excess verbiage (no poem this short should use "wanton" twice), but overall it would be more interesting (imo) if it were more specific, if I could attach the drama to specific characters I could envision.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

is well written, a cohesive exploration of pixels that go bump in the night.

Now, that's a good line.

 

[Angeline]

Now, that's a good line.

LOL. Thanks.

 

[Magnetron]

Did we run out of poems already?

I was expecting one with my morning coffee.

 

[Lyricalli]

DB3-4: M'Lady's shallot

M'Lady's shallot

Tis August, organics abound,
tomatoes juicy and round,
potatoes new dug from the ground,
among the delights to be found.
But best is the lowly shallot.
Queen of the oniony rabble
over it M'Lady did babble,
this oft times neglected vegtable,
which Tennyson never forgot.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

M'Lady's shallot

Tis August, organics abound,
tomatoes juicy and round,
potatoes new dug from the ground,
among the delights to be found.
But best is the lowly shallot.
Queen of the oniony rabble
over it M'Lady did babble,
this oft times neglected vegtable,
which Tennyson never forgot.

This one is cute. I presume it to be a companion piece to "That's Shallot!". The Tennyson reference is very clever (egad! an historical reference! Gentlemen, start your search engines!) and the "vegtable" rhyme is so awful that it causes me to suspect Magnetron.

 

[Angeline]

This one is cute. I presume it to be a companion piece to "That's Shallot!". The Tennyson reference is very clever (egad! an historical reference! Gentlemen, start your search engines!) and the "vegtable" rhyme is so awful that it causes me to suspect Magnetron.

Whoever wrote it is riffing on the other poem as well as Tennyson's Lady of Shallot. I suspect Piscator or Tzara, just a hunch...

 

[Magnetron]

M'Lady's shallot

Tis August, organics abound,
tomatoes juicy and round,
potatoes new dug from the ground,
among the delights to be found.
But best is the lowly shallot.
Queen of the oniony rabble
over it M'Lady did babble,
this oft times neglected vegtable,
which Tennyson never forgot.

I suspect it was someone other than me who wrote it.

As for critique, I haven't much to offer.

Line 2 needs more. "round" is lonely.

Line 3 could be "newly" instead of "new."

 

[greenmountaineer]

As AH has said, this is cute. I wondered if the misspelling of vegetable was deliberate. If so, I'd write it as veg'table, much like M'Lady, which might add a little more light-hearted affect to the poem.

 

[legerdemer]

M'Lady's shallot

Tis August, organics abound,
tomatoes red, juicy and round,
potatoes newly dug from the ground,
among the delights to be found.
But best is the lowly shallot.
Queen of the oniony rabble
over it M'Lady did babble,
this oft times neglected vegtable,
which Tennyson never forgot.

I like this little ditty - it's sweet as well as cute and so seasonally appropriate. I made a couple of suggestions. In the case of 'red,' I have said it aloud many times and can make it work both with and without red, depending on the speed with which I say 'tomatoes' and the pause I add after it, or not.

I do get a bit tripped up by the hard B sounds following each other in L5, but that's a fairly minor quibble.

 

[Lyricalli]

DB3-5: Thirst

Thirst

You're more than the bottle, once the cap's off,
but you're dying for two more 22 ouncers
you rent for a buzz that takes three dollar
ninety-nine more from your black diamond's rent

but you're gonna have some Kool-Aid instead
so she don't polish knobs in the projects
where all the lamppost lights are busted,
the two bent hoops ain't got no nets,

and your kid who's never lived with you
runs in the streets in his Nike's
around the glass, douche bags, and empties
whose once Abyssinian Baptist ass

is trying to turn his other cheeks
towards Mama to sleep on her K-Mart couch
and get a little something to eat,
since he ain't as thirsty as you are yet.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Thirst

You're more than the bottle, once the cap's off,
but you're dying for two more 22 ouncers
you rent for a buzz that takes three dollar
ninety-nine more from your black diamond's rent

but you're gonna have some Kool-Aid instead
so she don't polish knobs in the projects
where all the lamppost lights are busted,
the two bent hoops ain't got no nets,

and your kid who's never lived with you
runs in the streets in his Nike's
around the glass, douche bags, and empties
whose once Abyssinian Baptist ass

is trying to turn his other cheeks
towards Mama to sleep on her K-Mart couch
and get a little something to eat,
since he ain't as thirsty as you are yet.

One might be forgiven for jumping to the conclusion that this is a vignette from GM. There are a few things here that seem a little off. Is it proper to use an apostrophe to make a plural out of "Nike"? Do people leave douche bags in the street (or is this a metaphorical/colloquial use of the word?) I would put a comma after "empties" so that the grammar of that stanza doesn't confuse. I like "Abyssinian Baptist ass" but I want to make sure the reader associates it with "your kid" and not the empties.

There is some ambiguity about who "she" is, in the second stanza. That may be intentional.

 

[Magnetron]

Thirst

You're more than the bottle, once the cap's off,
but you're dying for two more 22 ouncers
you rent for a buzz that takes three dollar
ninety-nine more from your black diamond's rent

but you're gonna have some Kool-Aid instead
so she don't polish knobs in the projects
where all the lamppost lights are busted,
the two bent hoops ain't got no nets,

and your kid who's never lived with you
runs in the streets in his Nike's
around the glass, douche bags, and empties
whose once Abyssinian Baptist ass

is trying to turn his other cheeks
towards Mama to sleep on her K-Mart couch
and get a little something to eat,
since he ain't as thirsty as you are yet.

The language starts off repetitious.

Spell out numbers or don't; mixing it is a minor distraction but a distraction nonetheless.

 

[Piscator]

Thirst

For me this has has a Tod stamp although I'm not sure they had K-Mart in Oz. K-mart does give an interesting dating to the piece. So perhaps AH is right and it is GM.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Thirst

I get the title, and it does suggest, but I don't think it follows up with anything in the poem. Sure, he wants to deaden the pain of the projects with booze. "Thirst" should suggest something more, but there's only resignation, which appears to be the point, an unfortunate reality.

I'm not as bothered by the repetition as Mags is. It's not exactly hiphop, but it has a certain rhythm.

I like "black diamond" as the image of his new lady. "....Abbyssinian Baptist ass....turn his other cheeks.." doesn't work for me. I like word play more subtle than that.

AH thinks I'm the author. Mabbee, mabbee not...

https://youtu.be/8XnRF5zyIKE

 

[Magnetron]

I'm not as bothered by the repetition as Mags is. It's not exactly hiphop, but it has a certain rhythm.

I am and I am not bothered by the repetitions.

When I point out redundancies, it is mainly because they are opportunities to use alternate words and thus make the most of every word utilized.

As for myself, it is a Rain Man kinda thing. I am highly susceptible to patterns and inconsistencies and easily distracted by such things while I read.

 

[Sinseria]

ok I am a little behind here guys sorry life is crazy and real!


as for M'Lady's shallot ...it is cute and lyrical and I couldn't find anything to critique ...I suspect ange or taz!


as for Thirst ...deep meaning behind the poem ...I get lost though at the three dollar ninety nine more ...I think perhaps the grammar of it stops my mind from processing it correctly ...as for the repetition of words I have that problem as well and agree with Magnetron about alternate words being utilized


hehe my two cents worth

 

[Angeline]

Thirst

You're more than the bottle, once the cap's off,
but you're dying for two more 22 ouncers
you rent for a buzz that takes three dollar
ninety-nine more from your black diamond's rent

but you're gonna have some Kool-Aid instead
so she don't polish knobs in the projects
where all the lamppost lights are busted,
the two bent hoops ain't got no nets,

and your kid who's never lived with you
runs in the streets in his Nike's
around the glass, douche bags, and empties
whose once Abyssinian Baptist ass

is trying to turn his other cheeks
towards Mama to sleep on her K-Mart couch
and get a little something to eat,
since he ain't as thirsty as you are yet.

This poem is so good it hurts: I read it and hurt for the characters who people it. I see Mag's point that there's a lot of "you" and "you're" but it doesn't really bother me because I feel like it's true to the vernacular of the narrator. I do think it'd be better to use the conditional "you'd" in S1,L3 since, if I understand the poem correctly, he doesn't buy those 22 ouncers. My only advice would be to maybe cut the verbiage back a little. I'm not sure what "black diamond" means (his woman, his girlfriend, his baby mama?). I'm not sure about douche bags either (used condoms was my guess), and I think K-Mart is overstating it, since the whole poem makes it pretty clear this is about poverty.

Overall though the poem is really strong and very moving to me. And I do think it's GM.

 

[legerdemer]

Thirst

You're more than the bottle, once the cap's off,
but you're dying for two more 22 ouncers
you rent for a buzz that takes three dollar
ninety-nine more from your black diamond's rent

but you're gonna have some Kool-Aid instead
so she don't polish knobs in the projects
where all the lamppost lights are busted,
the two bent hoops ain't got no nets,

and your kid who's never lived with you
runs in the streets in his Nike's
around the glass, douche bags, and empties
whose once Abyssinian Baptist ass

is trying to turn his other cheeks
towards Mama to sleep on her K-Mart couch
and get a little something to eat,
since he ain't as thirsty as you are yet.

I've read this one many times since it was posted, and I agree with Angie. The first stanza vibrates with an alcoholic's shake, and is extremely effective, except that I don't get the "black diamond's rent" even after Googling. Perhaps it is regional and/or socioeconomic lingo out of my scope?

The "Abyssinian Baptist ass" at the end of S3 confuses me - I've considered the grammatical confusion AH mentioned, but I wonder if the author (and it's got the gm brand all over) is slyly referring to empties, making the word do double-duty to refer to empty-headed young men... hard to know, but confusing still.

I'm also rather confused about how many characters the poem is talking about: the "you" seems to be Mama, except that in the third stanza it seems possible that the "you" and Mama are not the same. If so, who IS "you"?

So... I love the imagery, but the rough spots make me scratch my head and trip me up, not in a good way.

 

[Magnetron]

Likewise not sure what black diamond is even after Googling.

I missed "rent" being used twice in Stanza 1. Huh.

Maybe the douchebags in Stanza 3 are gangbangers and skateboarders.

 

[Lyricalli]

DB3-6: Legacy

Legacy

We so admired the shadow
of our vast leathern wings upon the sands below
We were descending
We took possession of the land
and like a termite queen
disgorged a host
Berserkers who did not discriminate
between our quarry and our comprador
or us
A million anguished voices stilled
swallowed in the heaving murmur of the sea

 

[Magnetron]

Legacy

We so admired the shadow
of our vast leathern wings upon the sands below
We were descending
We took possession of the land
and like a termite queen
disgorged a host
Berserkers who did not discriminate
between our quarry and our comprador
or us
A million anguished voices stilled
swallowed in the heaving murmur of the sea

Not a clue about what's going on here other than an invasion.

Are the invaders a race of some kind of flying lizard or insect people? Who knows, but my imagination is working.

I would replace "We were descending" and "We took" with something like "having descended," and "taking".