Double Blind 3 - Poems and Critiques Only

[Magnetron]

Truth to Flesh

Silent secrets whispered
Shared across the shrunken screen
For only us to see

The mental maze
Played as a lovers game
For the truth of you
And the truth of me

Collective thoughts
Splayed in the deep dark of night
Seized in a communion of sin

Services surrendered
That lie beyond bended knee
Chained in redemption
To the forlorn lives we lead

Degradation of the lonely mind
Knows no shame
Violated with acts and deeds
Rendered from the innocence of flesh
That will never feel its true caress

This image of clarity
Perfect in its consent
Pixilated by the painted whore
With acceptance and need

But the body cries
For the precision of a touch
Begging as a wounded toy
To feel for once
The burn of willing words
As truth to flesh

The revision comes across as more intimate and thus less of a statement about online relationships in general. Exactly what it needed.

You write like I do. What you want to say is already there; the challenge is putting the ideas in the order that does them the most justice.

 

[Magnetron]

Legacy

We so admired the shadow
of our vast wings upon the sands below
and on our lips a honeyed litany
extolling all those principles
we privately despise.
Wrapped in a raiment
of celluloid solicitude
our leader thundered from two teleprompters,
then like a termite queen
disgorged a host
anointed berserkers, untroubled by the niceties
that separate our puppets from our foes
or us;
A million anguished voices silenced, as they sought to flee
swallowed in the heaving murmur of the sea.

I liked the previous version more because it was more open to interpretation.

Now get off my lawn.

 

[greenmountaineer]

The only thing that concerns me is use of the terms like "bro" and "brah" - I immediately think of young white guys.

Damn, you're right! That's a real problem too, given the fact I'm a white guy. As I indicated, the poem was inspired by the gritty HBO series, "The Wire." Now that you mention it, I remember a lot of "y'all." I don't think that works in the first line because it can imply the plural, even though it's often used as a singular form of address on the show. I'm thinking, Man," but am open to other suggestions.

1201 and I had a discussion about this a while back. I come from a "melting pot" background. I like to use ethnic words in a poem that are generally understood in English, for example:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=69477815&postcount=190

I think, however, it's harder when it comes to impersonating an African American in the poem because of the long standing racial divide in this country. The other word men use on the show when addressing each other, particularly when criticizing each other which would have worked in my poem, is "Nigger," but even as I type it now, I cringe.

Words are powerful as any poet knows. Thanks for pointing out, Mags, what remains as a fly in the ointment.

 

[Magnetron]

Damn, you're right! That's a real problem too, given the fact I'm a white guy. As I indicated, the poem was inspired by the gritty HBO series, "The Wire." Now that you mention it, I remember a lot of "y'all." I don't think that works in the first line because it can imply the plural, even though it's often used as a singular form of address on the show. I'm thinking, Man," but am open to other suggestions.

1201 and I had a discussion about this a while back. I come from a "melting pot" background. I like to use ethnic words in a poem that are generally understood in English, for example:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=69477815&postcount=190

I think, however, it's harder when it comes to impersonating an African American in the poem because of the long standing racial divide in this country. The other word men use on the show when addressing each other, particularly when criticizing each other which would have worked in my poem, is "Nigger," but even as I type it now, I cringe.

Words are powerful as any poet knows. Thanks for pointing out, Mags, what remains as a fly in the ointment.

Don't sweat it, Dawg.

I gots yo back, Big G.

 

[Sinseria]

Sinseria I'm sorry you can't put in extra words to make it make sense
QUOTE]

It's ok beautiful lady! You learned me good with this poem Thank you for that! Made me have to go redress mine

I think the best thing to this poem challenge was seeing what others thought and understood of what each of us wrote and what we were actually saying! This Lyricalli was a great challenge thank you there are so many different ways to say things and everyone has there own way!!!



A Good Night Near Oude Kerk


A good night's when no one’s noticed the prosthesis,
the joke fate traded for its pound of my flesh.



I like the changes and the new stanza's in this poem ...to me they make it read as a then and a now and then type recolection! but I agree with the last title being better. ...my only suggestion would be to take out "my" ...to me it wants to read "the joke fate traded for its pound of flesh" ...but that is an either way thing


....
love the changes to this ending hun and really really liked the termite queen

A million anguished voices silenced, as they sought to flee
swallowed in the heaving murmur of the sea.

.....
Itch You Can't Scratch


to sleep on her Salvation Army

This is such a powerful meaning poem Green truly it is ...only critique I could offer sir the previous title stands out better for me of "thirst" ...and this line maybe adding a couch or something after salvation army?




....
and thank you all for the critiques on mine as well they are always welcome ...did not mean to be cliché heh I am learning what is will try something new next time! hehe and I definitely couldn't use sexting abbreviations lol as I did a google search to find some and well it didn't work out well

anyway I rambled on lots I have to get going now! latter's everyone!

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Truth to Flesh

Silent secrets whispered
Shared across the shrunken screen
For only us to see

The mental maze
Played as a lovers game
For the truth of you
And the truth of me

Collective thoughts
Splayed in the deep dark of night
Seized in a communion of sin

Services surrendered
That lie beyond bended knee
Chained in redemption
To the forlorn lives we lead

Degradation of the lonely mind
Knows no shame
Violated with acts and deeds
Rendered from the innocence of flesh
That will never feel its true caress

This image of clarity
Perfect in its consent
Pixilated by the painted whore
With acceptance and need

But the body cries
For the precision of a touch
Begging as a wounded toy
To feel for once
The burn of willing words
As truth to flesh

I got somewhat confused trying to compare the two versions. They seem quite similar, but totally rearranged. Clearly the poem refers to cyber-sex, among other things. I was wondering about that last stanza, where the narrator yearns for RL sex -- what's the deal with "The burn of willing words"? That sounds like we're back to texting.

 

[Sinseria]

I got somewhat confused trying to compare the two versions. They seem quite similar, but totally rearranged. Clearly the poem refers to cyber-sex, among other things. I was wondering about that last stanza, where the narrator yearns for RL sex -- what's the deal with "The burn of willing words"? That sounds like we're back to texting.

Thank you AlawaysHungry ...perhaps I have to rework the ending ...the hole poem never left the realm of sexting cybering ect ...was suppose to be meant as the yearning and longing ...in the last stanza being the want more than words across the screen ...but the reality of it ...was hoping to get that across by the burn of willing words being as truth to flesh

 

[greenmountaineer]

..........

I think the best thing to this poem challenge was seeing what others thought and understood of what each of us wrote and what we were actually saying! This Lyricalli was a great challenge thank you there are so many different ways to say things....

.....
Itch You Can't Scratch


to sleep on her Salvation Army

This is such a powerful meaning poem Green truly it is ...only critique I could offer sir the previous title stands out better for me of "thirst" ...and this line maybe adding a couch or something after salvation army? .......

Thanks, Sin. To add some perspective for the good or the bad of it. "Thirst" seemed to me to me a bit too optimistic, as if thirsting for something better, which still works, given the first line. However, when I wrote about the son following in the footsteps of the father, I felt a sense of resignation. Nonetheless, the more I think about, I think you're right because the last line does suggest maybe there's hope for a better life.

As to "Salvation Army," my hunch was the reader would fill in the gap as you did with couch. My personal opinion is that if the reader or listener can understand an image in the context of the poem without the poet having to describe the image, it engages your audience more.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

You're an evil woman.

This is certainly true

 

[legerdemer]

Legacy

We so admired the shadow
of our vast wings upon the sands below
and on our lips a honeyed litany
extolling all those principles
we privately despise.
Wrapped in a raiment
of celluloid solicitude
our leader thundered from two teleprompters,
then like a termite queen
disgorged a host
anointed berserkers, untroubled by the niceties
that separate our puppets from our foes
or us;
A million anguished voices silenced, as they sought to flee
swallowed in the heaving murmur of the sea.

I like the first five lines a lot, and wonder if they might form their own stanza.
The last couplet is powerful, and is an effective ending to this political poem, sort of in the spirit of Wilfred Owen.

On the other hand, "celluloid solicitude" doesn't really ring any bells for me. I don't know what picture to form in my mind, as the two words, in this particular context without any further explanation, don't really go together for me.

And I keep reading these lines:
disgorged a host
of anointed berserkers, untroubled by the niceties

Although 'of' is not absolutely needed, I think it trips me up more by being absent.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

On the other hand, "celluloid solicitude" doesn't really ring any bells for me.

Perhaps "Hollywood solicitude" would be more clear. Both formulations have their own assonance and consonance advantages, which feed my aural fixation. But the idea I wanted to convey was one of an artificial, "emote for the camera" kind of simulated liberalism.

And I keep reading these lines:
disgorged a host
of anointed berserkers, untroubled by the niceties

Although 'of' is not absolutely needed, I think it trips me up more by being absent.

I can see your point.

 

[legerdemer]

Itch You Can't Scratch

You more than a beer can, Bro,
more than a four pack of sixteen ouncers
of buzz you get for four dollar
ninety-nine from your new lady's handbag
when she wash dishes in her kitchen,

but you gonna do some tap water, Bro,
so she don't go polish knobs in the projects
to pay the city next month's rent,
though all the streetlights is busted,
the hoops in the park ain't got net,

and your kid who ain't never lived with you
runs in the streets in his Nikes,
side-stepping cock socks and empties
towards his mama's dead bolt door
to sleep on her Salvation Army

where he get some biblical shit
an' mabbee a little somethin' to eat
cos he ain't as thirsty as you is yet.



Comment

What I like about these DB Challenges is the ability to take some risks in the first draft to see if something will register or not....

The poem was inspired by the HBO Series, "The Wire," most of which deals with life in the Baltimore public housing projects. ...

It's easy to say "Why don't they pull themselves up by the bootstraps" when you don't have to do the same. ...

I like this new version even more than the first, gm, with some quibbles :

I agree about the Bro ('brother' would possibly work better; though that may always bring to mind Undercover Brother to me, not in keeping with your tone here at all). The second Bro is unnecessary, IMHO.

Also in the first stanza, 'for four' bothers me - the closeness of the sounds in this case is confusing to me - not sure why it should be, but for a bit I wondered whether you had the two words switched - as in four for a dollar... lol, my bad.

I hear this line as "but you gotta do some tap water,..." instead.

And:
"side-stepping cock socks and empties
on his way to his mama's dead bolt door"

flows a bit smoother and more in character to me than "toward".

Finally...

I love the DB challenges for the same reason!

The Wire - I was hooked on that show, watched all of it! It was fascinating while at the same time it scoured my stomach. The characters were so complex and tragic and real. I thought it was a true masterpiece of a show, the best of TV. And Bal'more was in my backyard, so to speak - while I didn't know the projects filmed, I visited the city fairly regularly over the span of 30 years, watched it change, and knew some of the grit of it as well as its gentrified side. Later, when I worked a bit farther south, I had black friends who moved to Baltimore to escape Southeast DC.

Well, Trump is going to solve it all, so... we're safe.

 

[legerdemer]

Truth to Flesh

Silent secrets whispered
Shared across the shrunken screen
For only us to see

The mental maze
Played as a lovers game
For the truth of you
And the truth of me

Collective thoughts
Splayed in the deep dark of night
Seized in a communion of sin

Services surrendered
That lie beyond bended knee
Chained in redemption
To the forlorn lives we lead

Degradation of the lonely mind
Knows no shame
Violated with acts and deeds
Rendered from the innocence of flesh
That will never feel its true caress

This image of clarity
Perfect in its consent
Pixilated by the painted whore
With acceptance and need

But the body cries
For the precision of a touch
Begging as a wounded toy
To feel for once
The burn of willing words
As truth to flesh

I enjoyed this version a lot, Sin - there are many lovely lines and images in it, and feelings I've shared.

I have a few quibbles, but if you wish to hear them, I'll have to come back in a bit - I am being called on to be responsible. Drat and bother!

Later... is now.

I have taken the enormous liberty to write it the way I hear it - please forgive me if that's too presumptious. I tried to keep my touches light. My suggestions for rewording are italicized, while my comments are in parentheses.

A very very nice poem.

Silent secrets whispered
Shared across the shrunken screen
Only for us to see

The mental maze
Played as a lovers game
For the truth of you
And the truth of me

Collective thoughts
Splayed in the deep dark of night
Seized in a communion of sin

Services surrendered
That lie beyond bended knee
Chained in redemption
To the forlorn lives we lead

The lonely mind, degraded, (this was in part to correct the grammar - it is the lonely mind, not the degradation, which knows no shame)
Knows no shame
Violated with acts and deeds
Rendered from the innocence of flesh
That will never feel its true caress

This image of clarity
Perfect in its consent
Pixilated by the painted whore
With acceptance and need

But the body cries
For the precision of a touch. ('precision' seems too cold here; warmth?
Begging as a wounded toy
To feel for once
The burn of willing words
As truth to flesh

 

[Sinseria]

I enjoyed this version a lot, Sin - there are many lovely lines and images in it, and feelings I've shared.

I have a few quibbles, but if you wish to hear them, I'll have to come back in a bit - I am being called on to be responsible. Drat and bother!

hehe quibbles away when you are done being responsible always welcomed hun and thank you!

 

[legerdemer]

hehe quibbles away when you are done being responsible always welcomed hun and thank you!

Sin, I just modified my earlier message to add my comments and suggestions. Cheers!

 

[Magnetron]

I'm glad that Robert Plant stopped writing lyrics after two stanzas, because you can bet your bottom dollar that the third stanza would have hobbits.

We come from the land where little Hobbits grow
taters so precious and giant squash for show

 

[Sinseria]

Sin, I just modified my earlier message to add my comments and suggestions. Cheers!

owwww thank you ever so kindly for taking that extra time!!! it is always much appreciated! I shall go over them with a fine tooth comb after I face my days responsibilities!!! hehe again! Thanks you!