Dusty just made me wonder this

[DustyWolfe]

Re: Re: Still worried about me after reading this?

Forgive me for my two posts on here... My first was tongue in cheek with the comment on weekly beatings. I went 2 whole months without a single cut or the craving to cut prior to my first ever D/s experience. I apologize, I guess my sense of humor is a bit warped right now. I will admit that these last few weeks have been very hard for me because my ex partner has been stalking/harassing me. But prior to that I was doing really well. The only time I have issues with wanting to cut is when things are going poorly. But we are working on ways to help me cope with emotions and such without wanting to cut.

I am so very close to being a whole person and to tell you the truth, the idea that you think I am not is a bit hurtful to me because I have been working so very hard on myself to heal and get to where I need to be. Aside from a few minor setbacks with the cutting I think I am doing absolutely wonderful and making remarkable progress. I've self injured in various ways since our neighbor started molesting at the age of 4 to the age of 7. So it is a long road for me to completely remove this stimulus from my life. But damnit, I can do it and I will do it. It's only normal for setbacks to occur and given the face of my health concerns and other things I think I am doing damn well....
Sorry if I am coming across as abrasive but this is just how I feel.

Oh.. and I can really live without the chemical release and stimulation... I'm really ok... My life is good and I will continually be working to heal myself.

That was me

 

[DustyWolfe]

Dusty, I've been there. Your whole series of posts hits very close to home for me.

Self-mutilation? Check.
Bad experiences? Check.
Hurting myself as punishment? Check.
Hurting myself to feel something, anything? Check.

I've engaged in self-mutilating activities since I was a child. I have burned, cut, and beaten myself. I have bruised, scarred, and internally damaged myself. I have also had those things done to me by others against my will. I don't have the words to articulate the difference between my actions and those forced upon me, nor can I explain why it worked (and still works, at times) as a catharsis and reassurance for me. I do know that it wasn't all about depression. For such a verbose person, I'm shocking without words about it, though.

I don't have the answers, hon. I wish I did. But I'm just living, and trying like hell to choose my actions--even my mistakes--rather than just letting things happen to me, or taking actions without examining them. I hope that you're doing the same, and I wish you all the best.

*HUGS* I'm sorry you have gone through all this as well Risia. I wish I had the words to say but I think I am all worded out. My posts over the last week have been a bit taxing on me because I am still finding my voice after going 4 years without being allowed to really talk. It's still hard for me. It's rather humorous though because I have been shocking my friends by actually carrying the conversation lately instead of just sitting back and listening. I am starting to blossom and grow and it's rather exciting for me.

I've done most of the things that you listed, including pulling out my hair as a child, scratching myself till I bled, biting holes in my lip. Anything I could do really as a child. I was rather dangerous for a couple of years where I would take many many risks like jumping off of houses and suchs... I didn't care, I had been traumatized.

I now examine every action before I take it, that's how I keep from cutting. I stop myself and think "Am I devauling Jen's person? Am I being fair to myself? What good does scarring yourself more do in the end?"

 

[MissTaken]

Back to Serotonin:

The article that I am reflecting upon is at About.com. IF my pc stops crashing when I surf, I will find it and post it.

Sorry!

 

[Richard49]

One thought that ran through my mind as I read this thread
was this:

If I long for something
that longing is deep/intense
I can not identify that longing

I might try things that I do know
to get something close to that longing

When I find that longing
then the near thing becomes a non issue