swtrthnhoney
Really Experienced
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- May 29, 2010
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- 219
Maybe I should give him a divorce and find me someone in his thirties.
Explanation Desired
- Thread starter swtrthnhoney
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innocentscribbles
Experienced
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- Jun 3, 2010
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When a relationship starts getting rocky, it is entirely normal for things outside that white picket fence to start looking better. You've learned the grass really is not always greener and instead of checking out the neighbours, you should have worked on your own yard. It's a tough lesson, but that new wisdom does not save your marriage right now.
The decision is not in your hands right now. Your husband has to decide if he can trust you any longer, and that's a huge decision. It may take time. You cheated. Maybe you did not crawl into bed with Mr. FB but you formed an emotional connection, and the fact that you were misled into it means nothing to your husband. It shouldn't. You still cheated, whatever the circumstances, and an emotional connection is almost worse than a quick physical fix. A quickie can be excused as a momentary one-time weakness, but an emotional bond formed over months, as you described, reflects intent and a blatant disregard for his feelings. You feel guilty now, but how much of that is just because you got caught? If your husband decides he simply cannot rekindle that trust in you again, you need to accept that and give him the divorce. That isn't your decision to make and you need to be the adult and accept whatever decision he does make.
If he does decide he can trust you, be prepared to make your every action transparent to him for a very long time while trust is re-established. Is he worth that much work to you? Just because he says he thinks he can trust you again or wants to try does not mean that trust will magically reappear because you want it to. If you don't think you can handle having your every action questioned for who knows how long, you need to be up front with your husband and work out how to split the house and cars. You also need to figure out why you went that route rather than turning to your spouse. If that reason is something that can be fixed through better communication, great. If it's something deeper, you again need to decide if he's worth the work to fix in your eyes.
Assuming he does decide to trust you, you are willing to make your every action an open book for an unknown amount of time, and the two of you are able to rebuild what was lost, hopefully you take this lesson to heart in the future. When the going gets rough, it's normal to turn to friends for emotional support, but you described yourself as an intelligent woman. You have to admit that as soon as conversations started turning beyond a pure friendship, you knew it was wrong. A good rule of thumb moving forward is, if you receive an email (or whatever) that you don't think you could show your husband without him growing angry, it's inappropriate. Likewise, if you write something you know would hurt your husband if he read, it's inappropriate.
I apologize if any of the above comes across as harsh. I'm married now to a man I would never dream of cheating on for any reason. My previous relationship before him was messy, though, and full of infidelity. I was the cheater because I lost respect for my fiance early and was not brave or adult enough to do the "kind" thing and end the relationship. I learned many things from that previous relationship, and one of the biggest lessons was that cheating may seem like the easy solution, but it is always the most complicated no matter what angle you look at it from. If you ever reach a point when looking outside the marriage seems like a good idea, you need to take all that energy and turn it inward, and if your partner isn't willing to work with you with just as much enthusiasm, it's better for everyone to end it.
The decision is not in your hands right now. Your husband has to decide if he can trust you any longer, and that's a huge decision. It may take time. You cheated. Maybe you did not crawl into bed with Mr. FB but you formed an emotional connection, and the fact that you were misled into it means nothing to your husband. It shouldn't. You still cheated, whatever the circumstances, and an emotional connection is almost worse than a quick physical fix. A quickie can be excused as a momentary one-time weakness, but an emotional bond formed over months, as you described, reflects intent and a blatant disregard for his feelings. You feel guilty now, but how much of that is just because you got caught? If your husband decides he simply cannot rekindle that trust in you again, you need to accept that and give him the divorce. That isn't your decision to make and you need to be the adult and accept whatever decision he does make.
If he does decide he can trust you, be prepared to make your every action transparent to him for a very long time while trust is re-established. Is he worth that much work to you? Just because he says he thinks he can trust you again or wants to try does not mean that trust will magically reappear because you want it to. If you don't think you can handle having your every action questioned for who knows how long, you need to be up front with your husband and work out how to split the house and cars. You also need to figure out why you went that route rather than turning to your spouse. If that reason is something that can be fixed through better communication, great. If it's something deeper, you again need to decide if he's worth the work to fix in your eyes.
Assuming he does decide to trust you, you are willing to make your every action an open book for an unknown amount of time, and the two of you are able to rebuild what was lost, hopefully you take this lesson to heart in the future. When the going gets rough, it's normal to turn to friends for emotional support, but you described yourself as an intelligent woman. You have to admit that as soon as conversations started turning beyond a pure friendship, you knew it was wrong. A good rule of thumb moving forward is, if you receive an email (or whatever) that you don't think you could show your husband without him growing angry, it's inappropriate. Likewise, if you write something you know would hurt your husband if he read, it's inappropriate.
I apologize if any of the above comes across as harsh. I'm married now to a man I would never dream of cheating on for any reason. My previous relationship before him was messy, though, and full of infidelity. I was the cheater because I lost respect for my fiance early and was not brave or adult enough to do the "kind" thing and end the relationship. I learned many things from that previous relationship, and one of the biggest lessons was that cheating may seem like the easy solution, but it is always the most complicated no matter what angle you look at it from. If you ever reach a point when looking outside the marriage seems like a good idea, you need to take all that energy and turn it inward, and if your partner isn't willing to work with you with just as much enthusiasm, it's better for everyone to end it.
swtrthnhoney
Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 29, 2010
- Posts
- 219
I know this should be a dead thread (in more ways than one) by now but...
I woke up this morning and attempted to give myself some pleasure and my thoughts eventually turned to him.
How does one make it stop? It wasn't as if I started out with that intent but seemed to wind up there.
At any rate, I don't want to think of him and yet I do. Not nearly as often but it still pops up.
At this point, I don't even want to think of him at all. Ifeel like I am going crazy.
Before you write me telling me that I should only be thinking of my husband, I started out thinking of him but mentally wandered.
Yes I am still married, Yes we live in the same house (in separate bedrooms) and Yes we may be getting a divorce.
I woke up this morning and attempted to give myself some pleasure and my thoughts eventually turned to him.
How does one make it stop? It wasn't as if I started out with that intent but seemed to wind up there.
At any rate, I don't want to think of him and yet I do. Not nearly as often but it still pops up.
At this point, I don't even want to think of him at all. Ifeel like I am going crazy.
Before you write me telling me that I should only be thinking of my husband, I started out thinking of him but mentally wandered.
Yes I am still married, Yes we live in the same house (in separate bedrooms) and Yes we may be getting a divorce.
LuvtoDream
Dream a little dream
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2009
- Posts
- 1,721
I don't think you can control random thoughts like that..just go with them and work them through. Time and distance is always the best memory eraser if you ask me. I still have random thoughts of someone I dated 14 years ago and I am happily married. It can be a song, a place or whatever. I used to be like you and tried to forcibly forget, but you just can't. As difficult as it is, building new memories in whatever you pursue in life do push the old ones further back on the burner. I know this might not be much consolation, but it does get easier eventually.
silverwhisper
just this guy, you know?
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2005
- Posts
- 11,319
i'm gonna hazard a guess that your libido had been MIA until this relationship. if that's a fair statement, i think it only makes sense that you might associate sexuality in general with him, to be honest. it will take some measure of retraining for this to change, i would imagine.
ed
ed
nfrrdscnnr1
Really Experienced
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- Jul 18, 2010
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- 576
thinking
Seems to me you, the OP, are beating yourself a bit more than you really need to. First, fantasies don't hurt anyone unless they become the basis for action. Even if the fantasy is about a turd who played you in cyberspace, you still haven't DONE anything to warrant self recrimination. I'd suggest you work on what it is that you need that you don't get, what it is that will help scratch the itch that led you to respond to the invitations and how you might go about getting those needs met without divorce, cheating, etc.
Seems to me you, the OP, are beating yourself a bit more than you really need to. First, fantasies don't hurt anyone unless they become the basis for action. Even if the fantasy is about a turd who played you in cyberspace, you still haven't DONE anything to warrant self recrimination. I'd suggest you work on what it is that you need that you don't get, what it is that will help scratch the itch that led you to respond to the invitations and how you might go about getting those needs met without divorce, cheating, etc.
swtrthnhoney
Really Experienced
- Joined
- May 29, 2010
- Posts
- 219
Husband moving out this weekend. Bittersweet event. Can't seem to revive the relationship. Hurts to know that almost twenty years is - more or less- gone. Relief that we are no longer making each other miserable.
Tough day.
Tough day.
