Extremely long post but help is desperately needed.

[Life_Noir]

True enough. My tirades have been following the original post made here. Seeing the changes in peoples' reactions though here is a very good example of group dynamics though. When everyone thought it was a man and a face they didn't know they said one thing but when the truth of who is being discussed comes out people begin to 180 their opinions. .

Yeah... Funny as hell isn't it??? Well...the first couple of times at least.

I've been made into "The bad guy" in relationships too. It sucks. But I've also seen that come back to haunt the SO that did it. It happened once at least. It usually just ends up I get made the bad guy and I move on to find real friends that won't shine me on.

*grin* Perhaps we need a moratorium on the "I'm so pitiful, they're so evil. Please pat me on the head" threads???

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

When everyone thought it was a man and a face they didn't know they said one thing but when the truth of who is being discussed comes out people begin to 180 their opinions.

'Wrong'

Just like there are two sides to any story there's more than one view of any given person. Just because someone might be a great friend here doesn't mean we see the full person here. I've met more than one person from here on Lit and trust me the real person is almost always quite a bit different than the person I met here on Lit. That's part of why I don't do face to face meetings with anyone from Lit anymore. I'm fine with my fellow Litsters here on Lit but I don't want to meet the real them. It tends to be a big disappointment.

I've been made into "The bad guy" in relationships too. It sucks. But I've also seen that come back to haunt the SO that did it. It happened once at least. It usually just ends up I get made the bad guy and I move on to find real friends that won't shine me on.

The point is the OP chose to come here for support when it is clearly obvious from HottieMama's reaction and posts it was not welcomed by her. She wishes to keep her private life as many here do ( myself included ) private . The OP has not only shown herself to have flaws of character in choosing HottieMama's home ground as opposed to a more sincere choice ( taking her diatribe to another board outside of Lit ) but she has also attempted to compromise via her lack of integrity the apparent nature of the Community here.

As HottieMama has made it clear she does not welcome attention to this topic so far and as she is an established member of the Community here , I believe it is prudent that this thread be treated with disdain and be permitted to float to the archives out of sight . This is not about each of us enforcing ego to make a point , this -to me- is about respecting the wishes of another established member here .

This will be my final post in this thread on this topic. HM if I have made any assertions in my post that are inaccurate you have my sincere apologies in advance.

~ Rebecca

 

[Wyldfire]

agreed. before we knew who the situation involved everyone was saying what an ass, etc, then all of a sudden it's one of our own and opinions start changing, for me however, that's not the case. my opinion still stands, it's obvious there is alot of hurt, probably on both sides, and it needs to be worked through if they want the relationship to work...my opinion didn't change when the face of the one in question, became familiar. the OP needs to stand up for herself and the partner needs to take those feelings into account. and since we don't get to know the other side of the story the only advice we can give is on what the OP posted......it's quite rare on a forum that you get both sides of the story so please explain to me how this is different simply because it's one of our own?

It's not any different. Not to me at least. My opinion hasn't changed on this scenario. If the opinions of your fellow Litsters mean that much to you you should clear the air and give the other side of the arguement. The whole "I won't increase her pain by dragging my side out" is a cop out in most cases. If your willing to trash your R/L relationship by trying to change the parameters of your relationship then what do you care for what other Litsters think of you? Or what do you care for your SO's pain?

 

[Wyldfire]

'Wrong'



The point is the OP chose to come here for support when it is clearly obvious from HottieMama's reaction and posts it was not welcomed by her. She wishes to keep her private life as many here do ( myself included ) private . The OP has not only shown herself to have flaws of character in choosing HottieMama's home ground as opposed to a more sincere choice ( taking her diatribe to another board outside of Lit ) but she has also attempted to compromise via her lack of integrity the apparent nature of the Community here.

As HottieMama has made it clear she does not welcome attention to this topic so far and as she is an established member of the Community here , I believe it is prudent that this thread be treated with disdain and be permitted to float to the archives out of sight . This is not about each of us enforcing ego to make a point , this -to me- is about respecting the wishes of another established member here .

This will be my final post in this thread on this topic. HM if I have made any assertions in my post that are inaccurate you have my sincere apologies in advance.

~ Rebecca

Letting the thread drop.

 

[CutieMouse]

agreed. before we knew who the situation involved everyone was saying what an ass, etc, then all of a sudden it's one of our own and opinions start changing

Nope. Not true. Go back and read the thread, and you will see several people offered advice (pretty much revolving around getting therapy to help sort out the relationship), without jumping on the asshole bandwagon, before anyone knew Hottie was the one being discussed.

 

[FurryFury]

*sighs*

Of course knowing the poster, in the limited way that we do on this board, doesn't mean he or she is "perfect" or above reproach but neither is it surprising that it gives people an entirely new POV on this.

It shouldn't be surprising that when one thinks the OP is hurting and being as emotionally honest as one might be in a moment like that, that others might not want to give comfort, tell them their feelings do count and so on.

If the post hits on emotional issues for some of us and therefore rants happen that too is understandable.

When we find out that the party who seems to be in the wrong is one of our own, you are damned right that gives us pause and well it should.

Of course a person can be great on a board like this and still be imperfect or even awful to one or more persons but I'd want to know the other side. I wouldn't expect to be told the other side but I'd want to know just for my own edification.

Now I'm not one of the people who knows Hottie Momma well enough to know all that she has told some so I'm clearly missing out on the other side but I know there are always two sides, at least two.

I'm simply not the sort to seek getting closer to most people here. I care though. I'm just already so damnably busy I am fucking up my own world left and right, yanno?

Fury

 

[Netzach]

Oh Fuck this bullshit!

She posted here because she wanted to. How do I know this? Because she's talking about me. Change "husband" to "female domestic partner," and Mistress to Master...and there you have it. You ARE NOT getting the whole story, and i'm not going to sit here and waste my time telling it. You all think I'm an asshole, GREAT. Think she should leave me? Wonderful... I know everything I have done to make this relationship work. I know what a great parent I am...no matter what I choose to do in my private life. So think whatever you want...I officially don't give a shit.

A single side of a story does not the whole story make.

And I've been in your situation, that of the person who changed and who had needs. The bottom line was that my needs could not in any way shape or form be reconciled to the needs of the person I was with.

Being in love with him enough that I was in total denial about the fact that it would not be reconcileable didn't make me an asshole, either. I did some stuff I'm not proud of, but I don't think it's all so black and white.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

we only saw one side of the story, therefore that's the only side we could comment/give advice on....i understand HM being mad and upset but i don't understand her being upset at us, as we were just giving the advice that was asked for, having NO idea that HM was who the OP was talking about.....that is how i feel the board was manipulated, maybe not by HM, but certainly by the OP. if we questioned every single poster on this board as to who they were talking about, my god we'd never be giving advice, we'd just be sitting here being suspicious of everyone....

 

[Netzach]

Maybe it's a good reminder that this stuff is not so obvious and black and white and right and wrong. I mean, Jesus H, we're talking about the human heart, people who get all morally freaked out are just blind to the shitty things they've done/are doing/would do in love.

 

[myinnerslut]

i do feel a bit mislead by the changing of some facts and the fact that HM did not seem to want this out in the open yet here it is

i sincerly hope that things work out

 

[Toa_lin]

I'm sorry if I ruffle some feathers with this, but as I meant to make short and simple in my first post, things aren't rihgt, adn something needs to change, short and simple. My oppinion has not changed even though teh person in question is HM, if I say something, i stick to it. if I've annoyed anyone, you have my appologies, but i don't beat around teh bush, I taek all teh facts I ahve, what i know i lack, and I say the only oppinion I shall ever have, and with this, i shall now close my posts on this thread and allow it to take it's slow demise.

 

[sunnii]

Wow

i am SO glad i read all the posts before i replied. i had a feeling this thread was gonna go sideways.

i think the bottom line is the the OP should first and foremost consider private counseling. although the situation presented here is pretty compelling (the intensity of both sides is very apparent) my original thought when i read the post was this person seems to be doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. (imo) a lot of people are advising couples counseling which is a good idea but, i really think some private counseling is needed to get to the bottom of, and resolve her own personal issues.

just a thought......

 

[the_pet]

I'm sorry life seems such a mess.... try and get some counseling, it will help bring clarity if nothing else.

 

[Ice2000]

Christ what a soap opera..

I can't imigine posting or defending all my twisted needs in a public forum.

luck to you both..

 

[FurryFury]

i am SO glad i read all the posts before i replied. i had a feeling this thread was gonna go sideways.

i think the bottom line is the the OP should first and foremost consider private counseling. although the situation presented here is pretty compelling (the intensity of both sides is very apparent) my original thought when i read the post was this person seems to be doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. (imo) a lot of people are advising couples counseling which is a good idea but, i really think some private counseling is needed to get to the bottom of, and resolve her own personal issues.

just a thought......

If couples counseling can't or won't be done then sure individual counseling can help the individual BUT when one part of a couple grows and changes it's best not to exclude the other part in the process.

Even with both involved it can take couples to a parting of the ways. Of course a parting of the ways might happen regardless and it might be best in many cases. I'm just saying if they want to stay together couples counseling would better facilitate that than individual counseling alone.

Finding a counselor that "fits" them and works well with one person or the couple isn't always easy either. You have to keep trying if it's really worth it to you both.

Fury

 

[BiBunny]

Christ what a soap opera..

I can't imigine posting or defending all my twisted needs in a public forum.

luck to you both..

I'm not defending either party because I'm a little confused and, therefore, withholding judgement, but I will say that you never know what you'll do in a certain situation until you're faced with it. I've posted here about my own relationship issues more than once. I wanted some fresh perspectives and additional people to turn to for moral support.

 

[QueenPentacles]

Okay first off since we're outting this, this is my real handle here on Lit - those that wanted to place me on permanent ignore, please feel free to do so but do it to the right handle!

The point is the OP chose to come here for support when it is clearly obvious from HottieMama's reaction and posts it was not welcomed by her. She wishes to keep her private life as many here do ( myself included ) private . The OP has not only shown herself to have flaws of character in choosing HottieMama's home ground as opposed to a more sincere choice ( taking her diatribe to another board outside of Lit ) but she has also attempted to compromise via her lack of integrity the apparent nature of the Community here.

Okay lets clear this misperception up right now. HM and I discussed this off and on for almost a week prior to my posting here. I was encouraged to post here to get a different perspective than the one I stated I have. We've been chasing this issue around and talking / arguing at times till we're both blue in the face. Recently it's turned hurt full, meaning the talks, and we both agree that we're not geting any where at this moment. Which is why I went ahead and posted, even though I though I would get an over whelming BDSM D/s view point.

What I believe she took offense to and I take offense is the assumption that just because we have this disagreement / heartache in our bedroom, that she is there for some how a bad parent in any way. The whole D/s BDSM would never take place in our home, nor around our children. She and I are both loving caring parents who both believe that our children come first in all matters. In regards to the rest of our relationship we are pretty much compatible - regular day to day stuff couples have... Our troubles are with this one issue.

I came here to find advice on how to find middle ground, so that we could stop beating each other up with our own view points. I laid out my histroy in an attempt to explain what I am feeling and why - Yes I changed genders around in an attempt to protect our "dirty laundery", but this was not an attempt to manipulate the board or the people here.

Thanks to those that offered advise on how we could meet in the middle and the suggestion of therapy, this is something we are discussing now.

Queen of Pentacles

 

[Netzach]

Our troubles are with this one issue.

I would never say that this makes you bad parents or bad people.

I will say that this issue will not go away. I've been in the situation of wishing it would in a relationship in which our sexualities were not matched. Seriously, me dating a non-kinky guy was like me dating a woman who's 95% straight - no matter how much adoration there is there is a fundamental sexual disconnect that in my situation wasn't surmountable.

Its persistence will always be a source of conflict and disconnect for couples who are not able to find a meeting place where both parties are honestly comfortable - OR where both parties are totally unable to have to give up on certain ideals in the name of compromise.

Good luck.

 

[Gil_T2]

All I have for you is 1 word......

HONESTY lacking in your post.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Okay first off since we're outting this, this is my real handle here on Lit - those that wanted to place me on permanent ignore, please feel free to do so but do it to the right handle!



Okay lets clear this misperception up right now. HM and I discussed this off and on for almost a week prior to my posting here. I was encouraged to post here to get a different perspective than the one I stated I have. We've been chasing this issue around and talking / arguing at times till we're both blue in the face. Recently it's turned hurt full, meaning the talks, and we both agree that we're not geting any where at this moment. Which is why I went ahead and posted, even though I though I would get an over whelming BDSM D/s view point.

What I believe she took offense to and I take offense is the assumption that just because we have this disagreement / heartache in our bedroom, that she is there for some how a bad parent in any way. The whole D/s BDSM would never take place in our home, nor around our children. She and I are both loving caring parents who both believe that our children come first in all matters. In regards to the rest of our relationship we are pretty much compatible - regular day to day stuff couples have... Our troubles are with this one issue.

I came here to find advice on how to find middle ground, so that we could stop beating each other up with our own view points. I laid out my histroy in an attempt to explain what I am feeling and why - Yes I changed genders around in an attempt to protect our "dirty laundery", but this was not an attempt to manipulate the board or the people here.

Thanks to those that offered advise on how we could meet in the middle and the suggestion of therapy, this is something we are discussing now.

Queen of Pentacles

i'm not getting where ANYONE said that either of you are bad parents. all that was said was that children feel the vibes when something is not right in a relationship with their parents. you said you thought you'd get 'overwhelming BDSM/D/s advice...you did get exactly that. BDSM/D/s does not always mean Poly, and when advice was given it wasn't what was expected therefore offense was taken. when you post on a forum such as this my suggestion is to be ready for any kind of reply not just the one you really want to hear. we all have different views and when asked for advice most of us are not going to hold back so that feelings don't get hurt, that's just life.

i am glad you're talking about counsling as i think this will help. i don't know what it's like to not have BDSM in every part of a relationship as this is not how Master and i live. D/s IS our life, so if there is a problem with that then there is a problem with our entire life, but it seems even with you, it's affecting the relationship as a whole. i do wish you both the best of luck and hope you can find a happy medium.

 

[Quint]

..............

 

[the captians wench]

Okay first off since we're outting this, this is my real handle here on Lit - those that wanted to place me on permanent ignore, please feel free to do so but do it to the right handle!



Okay lets clear this misperception up right now. HM and I discussed this off and on for almost a week prior to my posting here. I was encouraged to post here to get a different perspective than the one I stated I have. We've been chasing this issue around and talking / arguing at times till we're both blue in the face. Recently it's turned hurt full, meaning the talks, and we both agree that we're not geting any where at this moment. Which is why I went ahead and posted, even though I though I would get an over whelming BDSM D/s view point.

What I believe she took offense to and I take offense is the assumption that just because we have this disagreement / heartache in our bedroom, that she is there for some how a bad parent in any way. The whole D/s BDSM would never take place in our home, nor around our children. She and I are both loving caring parents who both believe that our children come first in all matters. In regards to the rest of our relationship we are pretty much compatible - regular day to day stuff couples have... Our troubles are with this one issue.

I came here to find advice on how to find middle ground, so that we could stop beating each other up with our own view points. I laid out my histroy in an attempt to explain what I am feeling and why - Yes I changed genders around in an attempt to protect our "dirty laundery", but this was not an attempt to manipulate the board or the people here.

Thanks to those that offered advise on how we could meet in the middle and the suggestion of therapy, this is something we are discussing now.

Queen of Pentacles

Okay, first off, changing genders really does change the situation. Men and women think differently and I believe feel differently. So while a man may say one thing it could mean something completely different if a woman says the same thing.

I wondered about if a domme would really insist that her sexual needs be met by some one, and so I came to the conclution that it was probably more likely that the man was wanting to fill the domme's need rather than her demanding it. Now that the gender's have changed I can see the dom wanting your so, HM to please him after all is said and done and not being happy with out completion.

I think by changing some things you have totally manupulated the out come, whether you ment to or not. I'm not saying that you intentionally did it, I'm just saying with slightly different facts you will get a slightly different outcome.

If you go back and read your own post here I think you may see why people would jump onto the whole you're right he's wrong thing. The way you discribe things sounded like he did not really care nor consider your needs. Which doesn't seem to be the actual case.

HM, my opionion of the situation she discribes does not change, however the situation that she discribed is not yours. I will say this, IF it is true that you want to keep her out of this other part of your life, you have to understand how hard that is for some people. I could never be in a polly relationship. I could not share my time with my love with another person on any sort of regular basiss. I have a friend who just took on a new slave and they are all happy as punch about it. If she can't handle it, I'm not sure that there is a way to comprimise, as hard as you try there will most likely be resentment building. And if you do not let her into this part of your life, then there will be suspision building, from what she describes, and that will just highten things.

There are obviously a lot of hurt feelings and emotions flying around here. and I don't think this board is really going to be able to help.

 

[HottieMama]

Now that the gender's have changed I can see the dom wanting your so, HM to please him after all is said and done and not being happy with out completion.

Given that you don't know Him in the least, i think this is an assumption based on a stereotype and not reality.

 

[the captians wench]

Given that you don't know Him in the least, i think this is an assumption based on a stereotype and not reality.

It is, I admit that. I understand that not all men are that way, but if that is all that I know is he's a man that is how I am going to lean. I'm not saying it's wrong, or unfair, I'm just saying that I can see it that way.

I also understand that it could be that a domme would demand that of her male sub. And me knowing what I know about myself, I would probably demand it because I have such a high libedo.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

Given that you don't know Him in the least, i think this is an assumption based on a stereotype and not reality.

i think you are jumping on being defensive (not saying i blame you, i understand). i also understand what she meant by this comment, it makes sense to me, and you're right its an assumption. i dont' think she was saying He's wrong for this, it's just women and men think differently, and for a Man it's all about 'getting off' MOST of the time. no one is putting Him down for it, just simply saying that changing the genders made a big difference on the outcome of the advice....