February Poetry Challenge

[HotKittySpank]

aaaahhhhhh, just another little sigh of contentment... ya'll are knockin' the old socks off!

so, just as a little poke 'n prod, however you may view it, write MORE!

still working on my submission to this, so there's still prenty of time for you to get yours in as well. hop to it!

--j

 

[HotKittySpank]

*** thought. we, as a species, need a new ditty for the kiddies to remember the planet names and order by now that they nixed poor old Pluto. the whole 'excellent mother, nine pizza' thing was lame anyway.

should this be a seperate challenge - would having ideas posted here suffice?

so that would be:

Mercury
Venus
Earth
Mars
Jupiter
Saturn
Uranus
Neptune

several planetlettes, including Pluto are mixed within but kids don't learn those in school.

if you wish to, run with it...


...

 

[ramonathompson]

lol just in a goofy mood tonight and came up this to submit.


I know you like my penis
So what do you say baby?
Can I see uranus?


2007 Ramona Thompson

 

[bluerains]

To be a moth around the moon
alive in the night
wings shining bright
a mirror to the sun

 

[FifthFlower]

Planet Parade

*** thought. we, as a species, need a new ditty for the kiddies to remember the planet names and order by now that they nixed poor old Pluto. the whole 'excellent mother, nine pizza' thing was lame anyway.

Here comes Mercury, Venus, and Earth,
Our planet, the place of our birth,
Mars, Jupiter, Saturn,
An eight-planet pattern,
Uranus and Neptune come last.

I hope the ordering is right. Too bad about Pluto.

 

[champagne1982]

I wrote this a while ago, when I was writing sets of poems, 4 seasons, 7 sins and 12 zodiacs. It's one of my favourites and represents a planet, a goddess, the ancient Egyptian concepts of the balance where the lightness of your soul is weighed against a feather and the star sign of Libra. That's a lot for a constellation to symbolize, but I think it's up to it.

Libra of Balance

The scales of Justice are true
balanced on a sapphire
on a virgin's hand.
Harmony and peace
rule over your glimmering light
Venus, true blue, in the evening sky.

Bear not guilt's burden
carried deep within your heart.
Come light as a feather
with truth and right
lifting your soul to abide in
The Fields of Peace.

 

[FifthFlower]

Planet Parade, Including the Horrible Thing That Happened to Pluto

Here comes Mercury, Venus, and Earth,
Our planet, the place of our birth,
Mars, Jupiter, Saturn,
An eight-planet pattern,
Uranus and Neptune come last.

Here's an extended version to account for poor Pluto.

Here comes Mercury, Venus, and Earth,
Our planet, the place of our birth ,
Mars, Jupiter, Saturn,
An eight-planet pattern,
Uranus and Neptune come last.
Ah! Uranus, she knows how to fart.
It is juicy. She calls it an art .
So Neptune beware
Should you smell something there.
That poor Pluto got smothered up fast.

 

[HotKittySpank]

hardy har har... glad you put this up. see? we don't need to be so serious all the time. too fun. --j

lol just in a goofy mood tonight and came up this to submit.


I know you like my penis
So what do you say baby?
Can I see uranus?


2007 Ramona Thompson

 

[JPMMURPHY]

I'm going to write something new for this challenge, but, in the mean time, here's something only a few days old:

Astronomy

The sky doesn't exist.
Merely a naked distance
where the rumour of earth reflects
like the echo of your voice,
you should name the moon love
and each star a sigh.

If by chance the tail
of some comet lost
in the splendour of such solitude
happens to be me,
remember what I want the most
and don't say it's just a heavenly body.​

Lauren - I fell in love with two of your lines. If you mind I'll take this down

Celestial Pulse

The moon’s our love,
The star’s our sighs,
Comets burn as lovers eyes.
Venus traps us with her guise
Mars our passion, no reprise.

Dreams of Neptune,
In our head.
Pluto’s cold we soon will shed.
On Jupiter we make our bed.
With Saturn’s ring ‘I thee wed’.

 

[ramonathompson]

hardy har har... glad you put this up. see? we don't need to be so serious all the time. too fun. --j

*grin*

Agreed. It's no fun to be so serious all the time anyway

 

[Unbridled_Passion]

his blue eyes shine
like stars in the night
twinkling thoughts of
life and the love he
shares with the world

heart on his sleeve
feelings drop from his fingers
and fall into my soul
filling it with hope and
the knowledge that love exists

 

[JPMMURPHY]

Lauren - I fell in love with two of your lines. If you mind I'll take this down

Celestial Pulse

The moon’s our love,
The star’s our sighs,
Comets burn as lovers eyes.
Venus traps us with her guise
Mars our passion, no reprise.

Dreams of Neptune,
In our head.
Pluto’s cold we soon will shed.
On Jupiter we make our bed.
With Saturn’s ring ‘I thee wed’.

From that I went to this. I would like feedback on the first two lines. Two I've borrowed from Lauren (thx - the above blurb) and in the second version I morfed the lines (below). Any preferences?????





Celestial Embrace

With moonbeam love,
And starlight sighs,
Comets burn as lovers eyes.
Venus traps us with her guise
Mars our passion, no reprise.

Mercury’s spin is
Full of lust.
Uranus winks and we just blush.
Terra cool and blue will rush
Beneath old Sol to warm our touch.

Dreams of Neptune
In our head
Pluto’s cold will soon be shed.
On Jupiter we make our bed.
With Saturn’s ring…

……..‘I thee wed’.

 

[HotKittySpank]

Howdy MMURPH - i'm not so good at critique but, i will say that i like this better as it has evolved. it seems that stuff gets better if you put it away a while and look at it with a fresh mind/eyes/ears/what have you...

as you have 'morphed' your first two lines it seems easier on my mind. it is the beginnings of a very sweet poem. and for those of us who get off on rhymes... ahhh. thanks for that.

as you asked for it, serious critique now:

With moonbeam love, (what is moonbeam love?)
And starlight (starlit) sighs,
Comets burn as lovers eyes. (shooting stars? nix burn)
Venus traps (lures) us with her guise
Mars (knows) our passion, no reprise. (don't like reprise - is it a bad thing to love? - want something else here, remember that rhyming doesn't have to be 'exact' all the time.)

so that is my take on the first bit. i want you to know that everyone will have their own opinion and this is only my insignificant one. take it or leave it, you make it your own. since you end this as a wedding thingie, could the rest be re-worked to include more marriage imagery? thinking while writing here...

ok dude/dudette - don't you DARE hate me for all that crap i just wrote. i am no expert at this stuff. : ) just look at my own miserable attempts for proof.

as for critiques on the other poems (eep!) - i promise i will get to it by the end of the month. just don't expect much meat in my critiques, they tend to be more fruit and vegi. HA!

oh yeah, if i genuinely do not understand what someone is writing about or trying to say, don't take it personally - i can be a tad dense when picking up on 'deeper meanings' - if it ain't spelled out for me... whew, right over the ol' noggin.

: ) hugs, --j

From that I went to this. I would like feedback on the first two lines. Two I've borrowed from Lauren (thx - the above blurb) and in the second version I morfed the lines (below). Any preferences?????


Celestial Embrace

With moonbeam love,
And starlight sighs,
Comets burn as lovers eyes.
Venus traps us with her guise
Mars our passion, no reprise.

Mercury’s spin is
Full of lust.
Uranus winks and we just blush.
Terra cool and blue will rush
Beneath old Sol to warm our touch.

Dreams of Neptune
In our head
Pluto’s cold will soon be shed.
On Jupiter we make our bed.
With Saturn’s ring…

……..‘I thee wed’.

 

[HotKittySpank]

what is it then Mother, what are those specks that drift against black?
see there, see my darlings,
as i point back toward the night and revel in the gravity of situation
hung with memory singing through me in tales of comets and planets
and years ago of a mid-summer night romp across meadows to view
a lunar eclipse; startled when one such thought claims my attention.
secretly i horde it, greedy for the tune as i answer back.

it seems a yesterday ago, but it was farther than that in my lifetime,
in that night that slid across my world when we counted satellites,
three lone specks that sailed over the black between flickering points
calling out as the howl of a an exultant mad man slipped dad’s lips
then echoed back over the water, off the back of that lone dark cove,
shaking off Earth’s bonds to float, his boat rocking its lake lullaby
as my sleepy eyes slid shut.

and tonight, this exquisite night, with my own children holding hands,
i find our place remembered in the milky way as it’s arm stretches out
in the call that echoed back.
we point in awe as the mad men we are yell back into that dark chasm,
circling our sacred, we count twenty or more as they crossed so close
in their artful traffic balanced as they vie for sunlight with the moon,
like stars singing their paths, the summer crickets picking up the tune.

…
(like this muy muy – so much fun to work on)
i know it is terribly redundant – same words/phrases over and over – is that so wrong on this one as memory often hinges on that idea?
… thanks for reading it if you did. HUGE hugs, --j

 

[Sapphire_O]

Hi. I'm a total n00b to this site, but I hope I can play too. Here is my love poem with celestial elements in it.


At five our love was morning
You held my hand at the bus stop
Caught me salamanders in the rain
Watched the sun rise before cartoons
On lazy Saturday mornings

At twelve our love was afternoon
You walked me to the lakeshore
Splashed cool water over my hair
Watched clouds drift over the dock
On serene Saturday afternoons

At eighteen our love was night
You lay me down for star gazing
Ran your fingers slow across my heart
Watched my body open in the moonlight
On warm Saturday nights

 

[JPMMURPHY]

Howdy MMURPH - i'm not so good at critique but, i will say that i like this better as it has evolved. it seems that stuff gets better if you put it away a while and look at it with a fresh mind/eyes/ears/what have you...

as you have 'morphed' your first two lines it seems easier on my mind. it is the beginnings of a very sweet poem. and for those of us who get off on rhymes... ahhh. thanks for that.

as you asked for it, serious critique now:

With moonbeam love, (what is moonbeam love?)
And starlight (starlit) sighs,
Comets burn as lovers eyes. (shooting stars? nix burn)
Venus traps (lures) us with her guise
Mars (knows) our passion, no reprise. (don't like reprise - is it a bad thing to love? - want something else here, remember that rhyming doesn't have to be 'exact' all the time.)

so that is my take on the first bit. i want you to know that everyone will have their own opinion and this is only my insignificant one. take it or leave it, you make it your own. since you end this as a wedding thingie, could the rest be re-worked to include more marriage imagery? thinking while writing here...

ok dude/dudette - don't you DARE hate me for all that crap i just wrote. i am no expert at this stuff. : ) just look at my own miserable attempts for proof.

as for critiques on the other poems (eep!) - i promise i will get to it by the end of the month. just don't expect much meat in my critiques, they tend to be more fruit and vegi. HA!

oh yeah, if i genuinely do not understand what someone is writing about or trying to say, don't take it personally - i can be a tad dense when picking up on 'deeper meanings' - if it ain't spelled out for me... whew, right over the ol' noggin.

: ) hugs, --j

Thanks a lot HKS. I'm on the run this morning. Let me digest all this and get back. My thinking at the time of write was the passion of honeymoon nite.

 

[richtx]

Not Original, but Appropos

Here is Auden's reply to the challenge.....

Looking up at the stars
I know quite well
that for all they care I can go to hell.
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to fear from man or beast.
How should we like it were the stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal indifference cannot be
let the more loving one be me.

Were all the stars to dissappear and die
I should learn to look at the empty sky
and feel its total darkness sublime
But that might take a little time.

 

[HotKittySpank]

Like ancient lunar lava flows
His deeds persist for all to see.
The crater she made ever glows
And never more will let her be.
It's all forgiven. They don't care
To hear the end of their love song.
It's all forgotten, still we dare
To wonder why it all went wrong.

ok, critique starts now or i will never get it all done...

i liked this moon corpse poem, rhymes! yea!

although i get a bit confused about who He(His) and she are in the poem. i always think of the moon as a woman. if it is clear to everyone else, its just a brain fart on my part and you can feel free to ignore me. : )

 

[HotKittySpank]

I'm going to write something new for this challenge, but, in the mean time, here's something only a few days old:

Astronomy

The sky doesn't exist.
Merely a naked distance
where the rumour of earth reflects
like the echo of your voice,
you should name the moon love
and each star a sigh.

If by chance the tail
of some comet lost
in the splendour of such solitude
happens to be me,
remember what I want the most
and don't say it's just a heavenly body.​

hey LaLo - promises promises... even if you don't post something new, this more than suffices ; )

just a thought: what if you placed a period after voice?

like the echo of your voice.
You should name the moon love
and each star a sigh.

thanks for your contribution! --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

Voice of the Necrophone

With her lacelike parabolic net, she heard
the reflected heartbeat of the dead.

Disembodied from the Earth the spirit was.
He rose, he worked sidereal day. Soon

others found yet faster hearts, tachyrhythmic,
like the resplendent Crab. But that first clock

la belle thought might be another folk, whose ticks
docked thoughts across a universe. That toll

proved off, though not her fault, and no one felt
she’d erred. Our belle’s reward, though, was to lift

her mentor to profession’s highest gift. She—
as student, woman—was left to quaver in the end.

gosh. verrrrry pretty. although your big words scare me off a bit (but that's just me).

this is my favorite part:

whose ticks docked thoughts across a universe

thanks for your contribution dearie. hugs, -j

 

[HotKittySpank]

reflections from a boreal forest

Drifts of light on a show of quicksilver
moonshine flows liquid over a snow
banked creek bed. Slow, meandering
drifts swept off the low humpbacked
drumlins journey. Winds offshore, blow
through seas of rolling prairie
shallows. Dashed against morraine
reefs, ice floes shatter into glitter.
Night rows the stars' sparkle to spray
far northward into the aurora glow.

ok - can i please go there sometime? i want to see the aurora borealis before its gone.
this poem has such a nice, mellow tone to it, like its the deepest of night.
i'm wondering about the line breaks on this one. i want it to read a little differently, like:

Drifts of light
on a show of quicksilver moonshine
flow(/s) liquid over a snow banked creek bed.

Slow,
meandering drifts swept off the low
humpbacked drumlins journey.
Winds offshore, blow through seas
of rolling prairie shallows.
Dashed against morraine reefs,
ice floes shatter into glitter.
Night rows the stars' sparkle to spray
far northward into the aurora glow.


so these are just my ideas... thank you, thank you, thank you for your poem here.

hugs, --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

Lainie got off the bus
this morning with her
eyes full of stars. I
sold her a map to help
in finding them; even
pointing out how to find
the buses that passed
by the best ones.

The twins, the Sisters, our
aging Orion--still a draw
though suspenders have
long replaced his belt--
and the greatest prize,
The North Star, radiantly
awaiting her close-up,
fixed and resting within
the cinematic firmanent.

Lainie takes in it all, best
and easiest sale I'd made
all day, and heads off to
tour the cosmos. "Come back
anytime," I say and she
looks over her shoulder at me
with those glowing, star-filled
eyes and smiles.

Sunblinded, I wave goodbye,
hoping she'll let me know
where on the map to put her.

this is just straight up fun. i'm glad you chose the 'star' route and ran with it. i love a good story.

this is another poem where i would like to see different line breaks because i'm wanting to read it with a slightly different rhythm. but, once again, this is just *my* feeling on it.

dearest dustbunny, many thanks for your poem here. : )

--j

 

[HotKittySpank]

interesting topic! I have been entangled with a certain McNaught for the last month or so...


Comet McNaught

We are fettered by the ink
that spills between us
connected and yet untouched,
joined yet unseen.
How can it be that my soul
has found its mate
and this mate is beyond
these wretched clouds
that have blinded me.

hooray for comets! i'm glad you chose this, i did not get a chance to see this comet as there are too many mountains to get a good view of the setting sun on the horizon. dang it.

i'm wanting a coma after "between us," and possibly after 'my soul,'.

WSO - thank you so much for popping this up. its lovely. --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

Three stars stand.
A strand.
Your belt.
Three stars in a row.

Emptied quiver.
I shiver.
I melt.
Source of all my woe.

Rigid hand.
You stand.
You pull
Back the string of your bow.

Let go your dart.
My heart,
a fool,
Now stung by your arrow.

this little ditty about Orion is very sweet KittyC. thanks for your interest in the poetry forum and in the challenge.

hugs, --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

My man Mars
He always knows just what to do
How to tease and please his lady
Just right every time
Gives me a wicked, wild supernova
When underneath the sheets
We make love


My man Mercury
What a stud he is
Always so hard
Always so willing and able to please
He just can't seem to get enough of me
And I must confess that when I'm down on my knees
In front of him
Licking that big, fat, juicy piece of man candy
Up and down
That I feel the same damm way about him!


My man The Moon
OOh how does he smooth
Rubbing his hands
Gentle and slow
Up and down
All over my skin
Melting me
Tempting me
Until I am helpless
A slave to his every kinky, naughty desire


My man Jupiter
Once a lover of other men
Now to one woman
Now to me only
Does he belong
All night long
In my bed
Giving me such delicious head
He can do no wrong
Removing my thong....
With his tongue


Mars, Mercury, The Moon and Jupiter
These are all my men
These are all my lovers
Eagerly sucking and fucking
Licking
My tits and pussy
Their goldren glory
Their goldren first prize
High up above the clouds
In a race to the stars
This is our Heaven
This is where we find
The most wonderful of all human treasures
Sweet, sweet orgasms
Far above and beyond
Any earth bound emotion ever created


2007 Ramona Thompson

can i just start by saying that i LOVE the name Ramona? well, it's true - i believe it has something to do with all those Ramona the Pest books i read as a kid. they were grrrreat!

thank you so much for your addition to the challenge. i'm jealous of your many men... ; )

i need punctuation in this and different line breaks.

--j