February Poetry Challenge

[HotKittySpank]

The man in the moon is looking at me,
Smiling, so I smile back.
His jovial face shines down on my place,
Keeping blue from turning black.
I stop looking up,
Take a sip from my cup,
No longer questioning what I lack.


(Feedback requested. I really like this one, but I wonder if it strikes a chord with anyone else. Thanks!)

hello - i like this too, although i don't like the capitol letters at the beginning of every line. that's just me though. it does seem to be some sort of poetic convention doesn't it? i have seen that a lot.

--j

 

[HotKittySpank]

we love our stars
to death.

astral projections
to
the long-wait
check-out
aisle...

gum-smacking
conundrum'd
debit card scanner
mister bob i need a price check
candy bar?

thanksgiving's day parade balloon dead at 39
oooh look;

and look to see
who has noted
momentary
personal prurience.

then quickly
crumpled back...


we love
what we cannot be;

above us;
out there

stars​

hey!!! this is cool. i really love your take on this subject.

what about some comas here?

gum-smacking
conundrum'd,
debit card scanner,
mister bob i need a price check,
candy bar?

*and... not sure about this section as the rest of your poem is very simple.

momentary
personal prurience.

okey-doke?
thank you for this poem drown. it was a lot of fun for me to imagine while i read. --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

Anaïs Nin Explains Her Relationship With The Moon

I have tried, after many sleepless
nights, asking the Man in the Moon
to turn off his night light.
He has refused to listen
to my many requests and I have
been forced to consider climbing
on a ladder and unravel his skin
to unscrew the light bulb hidden
under his bulbous exterior.

If that is unsuccessful,
then I will chop him down
and use him for firewood. The world
will not be dark, however,
as any leftover pieces will be used
to power lighthouses.

The sea does not need sleep,
or tides for that matter.

once again C, thank you for your poem here. i always enjoy your work.
the title is freaking me out a bit, not sure why...

AND, i want to change a word in this line:

on a ladder and unravel his skin

could it be:
on a ladder to unravel his skin

?

anyhoo - thank you again, i like the idea behind this one and especially the last bit as you are connecting our cellestial theme with the ocean.

hugs, --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

we look to white dots
in black for some kind
of answers

but we don't speak fission
and the lag is in parseks
these days

so by the time we're heard
and misunderstood

the bright coordinade
has shrieked it's last lungful
and perished in a climax

so who will answer
anyway?

ok..., gush. this is awesome, and i only want punctuation but then i don't at the same time... ???

fav line: 'shrieked it's last lungful and perished in a climax'

gush again...

BIG hugs, --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

The party gets started at seven.
She shows him a bed at eleven,
And teases him there,
Where the moon's shining. Dare
She escort her friend's husband to heaven?

naughty, naughty...
you have posted quite a few poems for this challenge and i thank you once again. --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

a Black Hole swirls in mass-less space
married to the rings of Saturn
wet, warm and wonderful
unlike the sun

yet life is spun
orbits around each other
committed as a comet
to continue on

it is written
in the celestial stars
that appears to be nothing more
than dots in the night sky

hey Art. thank you for your poem here.
once again, i feel the need for punctuation and i want you to capitalize Sun in the fourth line and nix the caps in the first line.

i'm having trouble between these two lines, might you need a period here?

yet life is spun
orbits around each other

so my dear, thank you again for all of your support in my silly endeavors. ya make me smile. --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

What Need

We tried to climb the mountain high
To touch the moon, the stars, the sky
A gentle touch, a muffled sigh
… to climb the mountain high

We tried to still celestial cries
To touch our souls with open eyes
A soft caress we did not try
… to still celestial cries.

What need to climb the mountain high
To touch the moon, the stars, the sky
What need to still celestial cries
To touch our souls with open eyes

What need a gentle lovers sigh
… when climbing mountains high

MMURPH - this is quite sweet and i liked the eye roll face at the beginning - sort of adds to it.
: ) --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

To be a moth around the moon
alive in the night
wings shining bright
a mirror to the sun

blue, this isn't finished yet is it? keep it around for a while and see what comes to you. you always write the loveliest things.

thank you for adding this here. --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

I wrote this a while ago, when I was writing sets of poems, 4 seasons, 7 sins and 12 zodiacs. It's one of my favourites and represents a planet, a goddess, the ancient Egyptian concepts of the balance where the lightness of your soul is weighed against a feather and the star sign of Libra. That's a lot for a constellation to symbolize, but I think it's up to it.

Libra of Balance

The scales of Justice are true
balanced on a sapphire
on a virgin's hand.
Harmony and peace
rule over your glimmering light
Venus, true blue, in the evening sky.

Bear not guilt's burden
carried deep within your heart.
Come light as a feather
with truth and right
lifting your soul to abide in
The Fields of Peace.

so, this is one of those poems that makes me feel slightly dumb. i know you are talking about something very important here but i'm scratching my head. the sapphire thing throws me a bit - i'm not up on the whole 'astrological signs' concept so that's probably it.

once again, thank you for adding your poem to this thread Carrie.
you rock. --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

his blue eyes shine
like stars in the night
twinkling thoughts of
life and the love he
shares with the world

heart on his sleeve
feelings drop from his fingers
and fall into my soul
filling it with hope and
the knowledge that love exists

hey you passionate person you, thank you for adding your poem here. i hope you share this with 'him'. i think he would be so flattered.

--j

 

[HotKittySpank]

Hi. I'm a total n00b to this site, but I hope I can play too. Here is my love poem with celestial elements in it.


At five our love was morning
You held my hand at the bus stop
Caught me salamanders in the rain
Watched the sun rise before cartoons
On lazy Saturday mornings

At twelve our love was afternoon
You walked me to the lakeshore
Splashed cool water over my hair
Watched clouds drift over the dock
On serene Saturday afternoons

At eighteen our love was night
You lay me down for star gazing
Ran your fingers slow across my heart
Watched my body open in the moonlight
On warm Saturday nights

welcome Sapphire! we seem to have a gem theme starting here...
my only hiccup in this poem is this line:

Caught me salamanders in the rain

for some reason it doesn't feel right to me...?
AND - i want my punctuation... : )

but otherwise, i like the idea behind this one and think you should tuck it under your pillow and dream on it a while. this will grow.

--j

 

[HotKittySpank]

Here is Auden's reply to the challenge.....

Looking up at the stars
I know quite well
that for all they care I can go to hell.
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to fear from man or beast.
How should we like it were the stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal indifference cannot be
let the more loving one be me.

Were all the stars to dissappear and die
I should learn to look at the empty sky
and feel its total darkness sublime
But that might take a little time.

yes i agree, this is very nice and works well here. thx. --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

what is it then Mother, what are those specks that drift against black?
see there, see my darlings,
as i point back toward the night and revel in the gravity of situation
hung with memory singing through me in tales of comets and planets
and years ago of a mid-summer night romp across meadows to view
a lunar eclipse; startled when one such thought claims my attention.
secretly i horde it, greedy for the tune as i answer back.

it seems a yesterday ago, but it was farther than that in my lifetime,
in that night that slid across my world when we counted satellites,
three lone specks that sailed over the black between flickering points
calling out as the howl of a an exultant mad man slipped dad’s lips
then echoed back over the water, off the back of that lone dark cove,
shaking off Earth’s bonds to float, his boat rocking its lake lullaby
as my sleepy eyes slid shut.

and tonight, this exquisite night, with my own children holding hands,
i find our place remembered in the milky way as it’s arm stretches out
in the call that echoed back.
we point in awe as the mad men we are yell back into that dark chasm,
circling our sacred, we count twenty or more as they crossed so close
in their artful traffic balanced as they vie for sunlight with the moon,
like stars singing their paths, the summer crickets picking up the tune.

…

and now that i have hopped all over ya'll poems, please feel free to return the favor for me. i would love some good, honest feedback on the above.

AND, if anyone still wants to post a challenge poem here i will keep my eyes on the thread and give you a quick, although i'm sure worthless, critque. *cring!*

its hard to critique other people's poems when you don't really know what you are doing.

hope what i said helped someone - or at least gave you a laugh.

hugs, --j

 

[ramonathompson]

can i just start by saying that i LOVE the name Ramona? well, it's true - i believe it has something to do with all those Ramona the Pest books i read as a kid. they were grrrreat!

thank you so much for your addition to the challenge. i'm jealous of your many men... ; )

i need punctuation in this and different line breaks.

--j

*smile*

Thanks for the feedback. It is always welcome. lol as for my name-Ramona- *grin* you have no idea what it was like in school to be teased about that. lol I loved those Ramona books thou. I think I've read every single one at least 3 times. *wink* about the men-what can I say? lol they love me and I love them. Having the name Ramona comes very much in handy

 

[champagne1982]

so, this is one of those poems that makes me feel slightly dumb. i know you are talking about something very important here but i'm scratching my head. the sapphire thing throws me a bit - i'm not up on the whole 'astrological signs' concept so that's probably it.

once again, thank you for adding your poem to this thread Carrie.
you rock. --j

HKS! Don't you dare feel dumb about this poem. I'm sure if you'd just read it without my preamble, you'd have seen something totally different.

The sapphire on a virgin's hand refers to the lucky conjunction of the two constellations Virgo and Libra, then the planet Venus (which shines blue - thus true blue). This arrangement caused me to write:

Poetic Justice

Is there a reason you wear that over your eyes?
Why should you be blind?
Can just your glance
unbalance those scales
and cause you to weigh
the evidence unfairly?

Ahhh Astrea! You should be a mother
rather than a virgin
Goddess!
I swear you'd tear
away the blindfold that hides
the truth as well as lies
and use your sword.
It's not just there for decoration.

The night sky of ancient Egypt also featured the constellation Libra, with another name (I'd have to look it up) as well as Taurus which was not the bull, but instead the eye of Ra.

But back to Libra and the way I've tied it to the Egyptians. Ma'at is the eagle-headed goddess of truth, from which the feather is taken. The feather is placed on one side of a balance, held by the guide of the dead - the jackal-headed god, Anubis. The heart of the dead person is on the other side. The heart, in ancient Egyptian belief was the vessel of the mind and soul, you couldn't be elevated into the Elysian feilds (paradise of the afterlife) unless your heart weighed lighter than the feather. If your soul passed the test, you went on to pass eternity in the Feilds of Peace, if too heavy, *where our heavy heart expression comes from?, then the heart is destroyed (Ammit, a demon, eats it) and you are passed out of existence.

It was a lot to fit into a two strophed poem, but I liked how it came out.

 

[wildsweetone]

As I don't have a great deal of extra time just now I'm going to take the first poem posted by each poet and critique. Please remember these are just my thoughts and opinions. If anything is of use to you then please feel free to use it. Please also note that I've not used any smilie faces in the posts as I used too many so simply took them all out instead of wasting time fiddling about with the things.

HKS =
my heart orbits you;
a satellite
drawn to interact,
intercept your waves
and send them back.

A short poem beginning with something akin to a cliche and expanded. I wonder if a satellite sends the waves back to the same place. I also think, no matter how short or long a poem is, the punctuation needs to be consistent. So, capitalise the M for My and keep your standards high.

FifthFlower =
Like ancient lunar lava flows
His deeds persist for all to see.
The crater she made ever glows
And never more will let her be.
It's all forgiven. They don't care
To hear the end of their love song.
It's all forgotten, still we dare
To wonder why it all went wrong.

Interesting alliteration in that first line. There are four 'all's in this poem. I think there should be a stanza split after 'be'. I would prefer to have the capitals only at the beginning of sentences but that's just a preference and I don't know if rhyming poetry is normally set that way. Who's deeds persist?

Lauren Hynde =

Astronomy

The sky doesn't exist.
Merely a naked distance
where the rumour of earth reflects
like the echo of your voice,
you should name the moon love
and each star a sigh.

If by chance the tail
of some comet lost
in the splendour of such solitude
happens to be me,
remember what I want the most
and don't say it's just a heavenly body.

I love the punchy impact of the first line. Excellent. I wonder if there should be a period after 'voice' or perhaps a semi-colon. I like the 's' sounds in this poem, particularly after 'comet' as it gives the comet's tail a sound. I like the images within this poem.

Tzara =
Voice of the Necrophone

With her lacelike parabolic net, she heard
the reflected heartbeat of the dead.

Disembodied from the Earth the spirit was.
He rose, he worked sidereal day. Soon

others found yet faster hearts, tachyrhythmic,
like the resplendent Crab. But that first clock

la belle thought might be another folk, whose ticks
docked thoughts across a universe. That toll

proved off, though not her fault, and no one felt
she’d erred. Our belle’s reward, though, was to lift

her mentor to profession’s highest gift. She—
as student, woman—was left to quaver in the end.

Good grief this seems well above my level of understanding so I'll have to break it down... and boy oh boy was a little research ever more worth the effort? Thank you for this poem Tzara, Edison would be proud. 'He rose, he worked sidereal day.' - do you mean he worked nights? I'd never heard 'sidereal' before, thank you for the learning.

champagne1982 =
reflections from a boreal forest

Drifts of light on a show of quicksilver
moonshine flows liquid over a snow
banked creek bed. Slow, meandering
drifts swept off the low humpbacked
drumlins journey. Winds offshore, blow
through seas of rolling prairie
shallows. Dashed against morraine
reefs, ice floes shatter into glitter.
Night rows the stars' sparkle to spray
far northward into the aurora glow.

I love this poem also. I will read this a few more times as the adjectives are a little distracting. 'morraine' I think has only one 'r'. Great imagery!

Remec =
Lainie got off the bus
this morning with her
eyes full of stars. I
sold her a map to help
in finding them; even
pointing out how to find
the buses that passed
by the best ones.

The twins, the Sisters, our
aging Orion--still a draw
though suspenders have
long replaced his belt--
and the greatest prize,
The North Star, radiantly
awaiting her close-up,
fixed and resting within
the cinematic firmanent.

Lainie takes in it all, best
and easiest sale I'd made
all day, and heads off to
tour the cosmos. "Come back
anytime," I say and she
looks over her shoulder at me
with those glowing, star-filled
eyes and smiles.

Sunblinded, I wave goodbye,
hoping she'll let me know
where on the map to put her.

Nice to read your poetry again! I think the only suggestion for improvement on this that I can make is to try rephrasing a couple of phrases to give them a slightly more poetic twist. Otherwise, I'd leave as is.

KittyC=
Three stars stand.
A strand.
Your belt.
Three stars in a row.

Emptied quiver.
I shiver.
I melt.
Source of all my woe.

Rigid hand.
You stand.
You pull
Back the string of your bow.

Let go your dart.
My heart,
a fool,
Now stung by your arrow.

Not so much a love poem with the words 'woe' and 'stung'. I might have played a little more with the word 'quiver', perhaps using both its definitions in this poem. What exactly is the 'source of all my woe' referring to? I like the presentation of this poem.

ramonathompson =
My man Mars
He always knows just what to do
How to tease and please his lady
Just right every time
Gives me a wicked, wild supernova
When underneath the sheets
We make love


My man Mercury
What a stud he is
Always so hard
Always so willing and able to please
He just can't seem to get enough of me
And I must confess that when I'm down on my knees
In front of him
Licking that big, fat, juicy piece of man candy
Up and down
That I feel the same damm way about him!


My man The Moon
OOh how does he smooth
Rubbing his hands
Gentle and slow
Up and down
All over my skin
Melting me
Tempting me
Until I am helpless
A slave to his every kinky, naughty desire


My man Jupiter
Once a lover of other men
Now to one woman
Now to me only
Does he belong
All night long
In my bed
Giving me such delicious head
He can do no wrong
Removing my thong....
With his tongue


Mars, Mercury, The Moon and Jupiter
These are all my men
These are all my lovers
Eagerly sucking and fucking
Licking
My tits and pussy
Their goldren glory
Their goldren first prize
High up above the clouds
In a race to the stars
This is our Heaven
This is where we find
The most wonderful of all human treasures
Sweet, sweet orgasms
Far above and beyond
Any earth bound emotion ever created

Three things for you... A quick tidy up of the spelling errors would be beneficial. I would reword to omit the way you've used the word 'just' (three times). I would look at the capital letters at the beginning of each line and ask if they were necessary, or useful to the poem in any way.

unapologetic =
The man in the moon is looking at me,
Smiling, so I smile back.
His jovial face shines down on my place,
Keeping blue from turning black.
I stop looking up,
Take a sip from my cup,
No longer questioning what I lack.

I quite like the quirky aspect of this poem. I think I'd relook at the lack of stanza breaks, and also the capital letters at the beginning of each line.

drown =

we love our stars
to death.

astral projections
to
the long-wait
check-out
aisle...

gum-smacking
conundrum'd
debit card scanner
mister bob i need a price check
candy bar?

thanksgiving's day parade balloon dead at 39
oooh look;

and look to see
who has noted
momentary
personal prurience.

then quickly
crumpled back...


we love
what we cannot be;

above us;
out there

stars​

Interesting poem. Personally, I'd like to see initial capital punctuation, and I note I've not seen 'oooh' recorded that way in a dictionary as yet, so I'd stick with just 'oh'. I think the apostrophe in 'thanksgiving's day' should be after 'day'. Nice repetition on the first and last thoughts.

vampiredust =
Anaïs Nin Explains Her Relationship With The Moon

I have tried, after many sleepless
nights, asking the Man in the Moon
to turn off his night light.
He has refused to listen
to my many requests and I have
been forced to consider climbing
on a ladder and unravel his skin
to unscrew the light bulb hidden
under his bulbous exterior.

If that is unsuccessful,
then I will chop him down
and use him for firewood. The world
will not be dark, however,
as any leftover pieces will be used
to power lighthouses.

The sea does not need sleep,
or tides for that matter.

I'd delete one of the two 'many's that you've used.
Line 7 change 'and' to 'to'.
Line 8 change 'to' to 'and'.
I love the imagery in this poem.

Liar =
we look to white dots
in black for some kind
of answers

but we don't speak fission
and the lag is in parseks
these days

so by the time we're heard
and misunderstood

the bright coordinade
has shrieked it's last lungful
and perished in a climax

so who will answer
anyway?

I'd be tempted to leave the question mark off the end of this poem, just to see how quirky it felt. 'it's' should be 'its' I like how this poem unfolded.

MyEroticTrail =
a Black Hole swirls in mass-less space
married to the rings of Saturn
wet, warm and wonderful
unlike the sun

yet life is spun
orbits around each other
committed as a comet
to continue on

it is written
in the celestial stars
that appears to be nothing more
than dots in the night sky

Knowing you, I'd say you purposely kept the punctuation like this so I'll save my usual comment. I really like this poem. I think 'appears' should be 'appear' and I need to practice reading more as I am unsure what is written in the celestial stars.

JPMMURPHY -
What Need

We tried to climb the mountain high
To touch the moon, the stars, the sky
A gentle touch, a muffled sigh
… to climb the mountain high

We tried to still celestial cries
To touch our souls with open eyes
A soft caress we did not try
… to still celestial cries.

What need to climb the mountain high
To touch the moon, the stars, the sky
What need to still celestial cries
To touch our souls with open eyes

What need a gentle lovers sigh
… when climbing mountains high

Nice to see you made it to the Poetry Forum.

I have a distinct feeling this is a specific poetry form and I can't remember which one. It certainly feels like one and if it's not, then I'd take that as testament to your ability to smooth the seams that rhyming poetry tends to rip open in my mind. I like this poem. I like the images you've shown. Keep writing.

bluerains =
To be a moth around the moon
alive in the night
wings shining bright
a mirror to the sun

Such a distinct image. Moth, moon and wings caught with the sun's kiss. Very simplistic, haiku-like poem. Excellent clean imagery. To improve I would cut it back more... if the moth is around the moon then it is obviously alive and obviously it is night. Maybe just use the first and last lines and see what you can make. Beautiful.

Unbridled Passion =
his blue eyes shine
like stars in the night
twinkling thoughts of
life and the love he
shares with the world

heart on his sleeve
feelings drop from his fingers
and fall into my soul
filling it with hope and
the knowledge that love exists

My suggestion for improvement for this poem would be to look at your line endings. The last word on each line is very important and yet here there are some wasted chances for impact, Line 3 for example.

Sapphire O =
At five our love was morning
You held my hand at the bus stop
Caught me salamanders in the rain
Watched the sun rise before cartoons
On lazy Saturday mornings

At twelve our love was afternoon
You walked me to the lakeshore
Splashed cool water over my hair
Watched clouds drift over the dock
On serene Saturday afternoons

At eighteen our love was night
You lay me down for star gazing
Ran your fingers slow across my heart
Watched my body open in the moonlight
On warm Saturday nights

I like the 'story' in this poem. I'm not sure I like the repetition effect but it's got some merit. I don't like the capital letters beginning each line and I would prefer to see punctuation in this poem. I like the images in this poem. 'lakeshore' should be 'lake shore'.

richtx =
Here is Auden's reply to the challenge.....

Looking up at the stars
I know quite well
that for all they care I can go to hell.
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to fear from man or beast.
How should we like it were the stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal indifference cannot be
let the more loving one be me.

Were all the stars to dissappear and die
I should learn to look at the empty sky
and feel its total darkness sublime
But that might take a little time.

Hi, I don't think I've met you before, so welcome.

I like this poem. I like the story you are telling. A comma after the penultimate line might be worth trying and I see there are a mixture of capital beginnings to some lines and not others... I recommend consistency in that aspect at least, actually I recommend getting rid of the ones that aren't necessary. 'dissappear' should be 'disappear'.



Whew! i think I made it to the end. Thanks for the challenge HKS.

 

[JPMMURPHY]

Thank you...



WSO,


Just wanted to say thanks for your critique and time.

JP

 

[HotKittySpank]

End Of Feb. Challenge

a BIG hi to all...

tomorrow is the end of this month's challenge, and if you still wish to get something in on this subject please feel free. : )

it has been such a pleasure to read these poems and hear feedback. i had a great time working on this and i hope you did as well.

looking forward to next month...

and many thanks again, --jenn

 

[Tzara]

Afterbirth

I think of Cytherea,
pure and vestal,
and how I sullied her.

Now this moon's light
is colored red and black,
so always is it night

in these environs.
Still I think of her,
will ever, on her back,

on her lovely back,
dimly illuminated
where the air is cold.

 

[HotKittySpank]

Afterbirth

I think of Cytherea,
pure and vestal,
and how I sullied her.

Now this moon's light
is colored red and black,
so always is it night

in these environs.
Still I think of her,
will ever, on her back,

on her lovely back,
dimly illuminated
where the air is cold.

hey Tz, thank you for another poem here.

i had to look this chick up. : ) there are several women, an orchid and even a clam that share this name. go figure.

thanks again sweetness. --j

 

[Sapphire_O]

Thanks Kitty!

welcome Sapphire! we seem to have a gem theme starting here...
my only hiccup in this poem is this line:

Caught me salamanders in the rain

for some reason it doesn't feel right to me...?
AND - i want my punctuation... : )

but otherwise, i like the idea behind this one and think you should tuck it under your pillow and dream on it a while. this will grow.

--j

Thanks for the feedback. The 1st stanza is true while the others are fiction, so I'd have a hard time of letting go of the Salmanders because it's something I loved so much about him But, perhaps with time under the pillow I will let it go.

Do you always want punctuation in poems, or is that comment unique to this poem?

 

[Sapphire_O]

I like the 'story' in this poem. I'm not sure I like the repetition effect but it's got some merit. I don't like the capital letters beginning each line and I would prefer to see punctuation in this poem. I like the images in this poem. 'lakeshore' should be 'lake shore'.

Thanks. Hmm, good point about the capital letters. I think I'm guilty of that in many of my poems. "Lakeshore" must be a regional thing because my dictionary has is as one word. I often wonder if my Canadian spellings put people off when they read my stuff on the web.

 

[Sapphire_O]

If it's feedback you wants, it's feedback you gets!

what is it then Mother, what are those specks that drift against black?
see there, see my darlings,
as i point back toward the night and revel in the gravity of situation
hung with memory singing through me in tales of comets and planets
and years ago of a mid-summer night romp across meadows to view
a lunar eclipse; startled when one such thought claims my attention.
secretly i horde it, greedy for the tune as i answer back.

it seems a yesterday ago, but it was farther than that in my lifetime,
in that night that slid across my world when we counted satellites,
three lone specks that sailed over the black between flickering points
calling out as the howl of a an exultant mad man slipped dad’s lips
then echoed back over the water, off the back of that lone dark cove,
shaking off Earth’s bonds to float, his boat rocking its lake lullaby
as my sleepy eyes slid shut.

and tonight, this exquisite night, with my own children holding hands,
i find our place remembered in the milky way as it’s arm stretches out
in the call that echoed back.
we point in awe as the mad men we are yell back into that dark chasm,
circling our sacred, we count twenty or more as they crossed so close
in their artful traffic balanced as they vie for sunlight with the moon,
like stars singing their paths, the summer crickets picking up the tune.

…
(like this muy muy – so much fun to work on)
i know it is terribly redundant – same words/phrases over and over – is that so wrong on this one as memory often hinges on that idea?
… thanks for reading it if you did. HUGE hugs, --j

Hi. I thought the imagery and rhythm of the poem were very pretty and served the story well. It seems to be begging for the prose poetry form though -- have you considered it?

My favourite moment is "as the howl of a an exultant mad man slipped dad’s lips
then echoed back over the water, off the back of that lone dark cove,
shaking off Earth’s bonds to float, ." Very powerful imagery that totally clicked with me.

In the last stanza you return to this image with "we point in awe as the mad men we are..." I don't think it works as well here, because it suddenly made the narrator and all the children male, which is not how I had been experiencing the poem up to that point. Can you think of somethink else "mad" rather then "men"?

 

[HotKittySpank]

Do you always want punctuation in poems, or is that comment unique to this poem?

: ) - that's just me... as you can tell by reading threads round here, ideas vary on absolutely everything. but, i have come to realize that things tend to flow better for the reader if you note where to take a breath or where to pull a hard stop as you move on to another thought.

hope that helps explain my logic. --j

 

[HotKittySpank]

Hi. I thought the imagery and rhythm of the poem were very pretty and served the story well. It seems to be begging for the prose poetry form though -- have you considered it?

My favourite moment is "as the howl of a an exultant mad man slipped dad’s lips
then echoed back over the water, off the back of that lone dark cove,
shaking off Earth’s bonds to float, ." Very powerful imagery that totally clicked with me.

In the last stanza you return to this image with "we point in awe as the mad men we are..." I don't think it works as well here, because it suddenly made the narrator and all the children male, which is not how I had been experiencing the poem up to that point. Can you think of somethink else "mad" rather then "men"?

prose poetry... i started on a huge learning curve last year and will eventually figure out things like that. thanks for the tip.

funny, i pondered that 'men' decision for a while. yeah... i get that 'men' seems male but 'men' could be a universal signifier of human here - which was what i was sort-of going for. hmmm, 'mad mixed gender group' seems a bit funky - hardy har har... : )

i was worried that the bit about 'shaking off Earth’s bonds to float' was WAY too cliche - i seem to be a walking one of those sometimes... : )

(((Thank You So Much))) for reviewing this poem for me and letting me know your thoughts.

hugs, --j