Feedback Please -- On my latest story
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tickledkitty
Precious.
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MarshAlien said:
I didn't name names. It was a hypthetical message. I coulda been talking about anyone.
(Note I wrote this earlier and pasted it from a Word Doc, I don't know why the asterisks are there, please try to ignore them!)
Overall, I liked the story.* Maybe a number of people guessed his opponent was a woman.* I didn't, but I'm not that hard to fool...
I suppose if I'd contemplated it long enough, I would have wondered just what a knight did when he had to take shit.* I just don't think it needs to be the starting point of this story.* Maybe work it in more subtely, particularly in areas where you talk about how he smells.
The whole "Day in the Life of...Gee it can be a bummer being a knight", i.e. peeing/pooping/scratching/avoiding the rust to me is a unique and humanizing perspective, but it sets the wrong tone for the story, again, if there's a way you could work it into the fabric of the story, then maybe people will read more than the first four paragraphs.* When you mentioned armor being "frozen and useless" I immediately clenched my jaw and began murmuring "Oil Can", but that's just me.* You simply have to accept that smart asses who still say "Hiyo Silver" when they hear the 1812 Overture are gonna read your stories!* (See also "turtle doves"--now did anybody NOT go to "partridge in a pear tree" there?* I'm not saying avoid "turtle doves", just be aware how different people have different connotations)
I liked the exposition re jousting, since I know nothing about it.* Just be sure it's not old news to people who know a lot about it and would therefore feel lectured to.
I can't speak to the historical details as others can.* So long as the knights aren't prancing around clacking coconut shells together a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I'm not able to discern what is or isn't accurate.
In the first sex scene, is the woman truly aroused, or just putting on a show since she was a prize.* Or is that for us to decide?
Some anachronistic speech...
1) lamenting over older models and replacement parts.* If he's going to use phrases like that, just go ahead and have him go online to order them
2) I wanted to rock her world...again, if he's going to use a phrase like that, he might as well be humming Sexual Healing in her ear.
3) I was in the best shape of my career...sounded like a line from a locker room interview with an aging superstar who'd just come off injured reserve.
A proper seat was also crucial to good lance fighting. A well balanced and secure saddle would provide a fighter a good foundation for the critical thrust of a lance. In my early days, I had once used a simple wooden seat. My armor would chaff as it scraped and rattled against the wood. When my opponent's lance hit my shield, the lack of secure seating caused me to simply slide off my horse. As he collected my equipment, I almost felt grateful. Never again would I need to use my worthless saddle.
I didn't follow the last line of the paragraph, I thought the saddle was a good thing.* I might be thick, it's an honest question!
And he did. As the helmet slipped over his head, golden locks of hair fell around his shoulders. That was when I made an important discovery.
"You, you, you're a woman." My mouth was open, jaw slack. If she had possessed a weapon, I would have been a dead knight, I was so shocked.
That was when I made an important discovery.--seems unnecessary to mention.* We're already discovering it with him.
I helped her to her feet. She began to remove her armor. "It is yours now. You have truly defeated me in fair combat. Never have I lost by the sword. You are truly a master of the weapon."
I thought she'd caught a bad break by slipping...or is she just being gracious?
*
Then she glanced back into my face full force, straight at me. "There is a lake nearby. I stink."
Soon the two of us were running toward the water, armor and clothes tossed aside. Splashing in the wetness and warmth, I found her near me and pushed her playfully. She slipped and fell under the water. Laughing I walked further into the lake, the water creeping to my chest.
Despite the fact I knew they were going to fuck, this was bit jolting.* Maybe build up from vanquishing to bath to sex with a bit more tension.
I knew I was drowning. This was to be no quick round of play, a gasp, a squirt, then fair thee well. No, this was the real thing. I had heard that such an event might happen, a rarity to be sure, but still known to occur. Well, it had finally happened to me.
I didn't see this sex as any more titillating to the knight than the fuck at the beginning.* I know I should be convinced she's "rocked his world" unlike any other, but I didn't quite get there.* The sex in both scenes seemed a bit mechanical, I'd like to understand more of what he was thinking/feeling, than just hearing about the "what's".
You dip into the "pussy was tight even thought she wasn't a virgin" well twice.
Ending seemed a bit abrupt, maybe some more lamenting on his part.
I didn't read your other story specific feedback in detail, so I hope this is useful and not repetitive.
--------------------------------
To your other points, first of all, I miss fcdc too, and hope she decides to return.
I'd say the people who have commented on your story are most of the people you'd want commenting on it, so if there is some kind of fraternity here, then welcome to it!* I don't see any of the high praise on this board as backslapping at all.* Speaking for myself, I may gush over something VarianP has written for instance, and that might have something to do with my appreciation for the time she has taken to give me feedback on my stuff, but I try to separate that from my objective appreciation for something's she's written, along with anything else I might add that would help improve the story.* "Great beat, easy to dance to" is nice to hear, but to stop there would be doing her or anyone else a disservice, and it's not what people seeing honest feedback are after.
Is there a bit of a Simon Crowell Syndrome creeping in from time to time?* I dunno, maybe.* Speaking for myself maybe I have a little too much fun with the feedback from time to time.** But I hope at least it helps make my feedback stick a bit.* It's never malintentioned and if anything (certainly*in my case), it thinly veils the fact I have no technical expertise or training in writing or editing whatsoever.* In the end, though, I hope I'm helpful.
On that point, Simon Crowell may sing like William Hung, but we'll never know it because Simon's never taking the mike.* But there isn't anyone on this current thread who won't put their own babies out there for feedback, and run the risk of realizing theirs may not be the Gerber Baby they thought they had.* And you have to respect anyone who's willing to put something so personal on the line.* That goes for you, too.
And have I ever made a smart ass comment to someone who's misposted?* Yeah, guilty.* But it's not at all snarly, and not unique to this board...Smartass reigns throughout this site.* That doesn't make it right, but it also doesn't suggest a sense of entitlement to this particular board.* If anything, I'm curious if that guy ever DID find UK Michaela!
That said, all the best to you.* Will keep an eye out for more stories.* In the meantime, feel free to read/comment on my stuff!
Overall, I liked the story.* Maybe a number of people guessed his opponent was a woman.* I didn't, but I'm not that hard to fool...
I suppose if I'd contemplated it long enough, I would have wondered just what a knight did when he had to take shit.* I just don't think it needs to be the starting point of this story.* Maybe work it in more subtely, particularly in areas where you talk about how he smells.
The whole "Day in the Life of...Gee it can be a bummer being a knight", i.e. peeing/pooping/scratching/avoiding the rust to me is a unique and humanizing perspective, but it sets the wrong tone for the story, again, if there's a way you could work it into the fabric of the story, then maybe people will read more than the first four paragraphs.* When you mentioned armor being "frozen and useless" I immediately clenched my jaw and began murmuring "Oil Can", but that's just me.* You simply have to accept that smart asses who still say "Hiyo Silver" when they hear the 1812 Overture are gonna read your stories!* (See also "turtle doves"--now did anybody NOT go to "partridge in a pear tree" there?* I'm not saying avoid "turtle doves", just be aware how different people have different connotations)
I liked the exposition re jousting, since I know nothing about it.* Just be sure it's not old news to people who know a lot about it and would therefore feel lectured to.
I can't speak to the historical details as others can.* So long as the knights aren't prancing around clacking coconut shells together a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I'm not able to discern what is or isn't accurate.
In the first sex scene, is the woman truly aroused, or just putting on a show since she was a prize.* Or is that for us to decide?
Some anachronistic speech...
1) lamenting over older models and replacement parts.* If he's going to use phrases like that, just go ahead and have him go online to order them
2) I wanted to rock her world...again, if he's going to use a phrase like that, he might as well be humming Sexual Healing in her ear.
3) I was in the best shape of my career...sounded like a line from a locker room interview with an aging superstar who'd just come off injured reserve.
A proper seat was also crucial to good lance fighting. A well balanced and secure saddle would provide a fighter a good foundation for the critical thrust of a lance. In my early days, I had once used a simple wooden seat. My armor would chaff as it scraped and rattled against the wood. When my opponent's lance hit my shield, the lack of secure seating caused me to simply slide off my horse. As he collected my equipment, I almost felt grateful. Never again would I need to use my worthless saddle.
I didn't follow the last line of the paragraph, I thought the saddle was a good thing.* I might be thick, it's an honest question!
And he did. As the helmet slipped over his head, golden locks of hair fell around his shoulders. That was when I made an important discovery.
"You, you, you're a woman." My mouth was open, jaw slack. If she had possessed a weapon, I would have been a dead knight, I was so shocked.
That was when I made an important discovery.--seems unnecessary to mention.* We're already discovering it with him.
I helped her to her feet. She began to remove her armor. "It is yours now. You have truly defeated me in fair combat. Never have I lost by the sword. You are truly a master of the weapon."
I thought she'd caught a bad break by slipping...or is she just being gracious?
*
Then she glanced back into my face full force, straight at me. "There is a lake nearby. I stink."
Soon the two of us were running toward the water, armor and clothes tossed aside. Splashing in the wetness and warmth, I found her near me and pushed her playfully. She slipped and fell under the water. Laughing I walked further into the lake, the water creeping to my chest.
Despite the fact I knew they were going to fuck, this was bit jolting.* Maybe build up from vanquishing to bath to sex with a bit more tension.
I knew I was drowning. This was to be no quick round of play, a gasp, a squirt, then fair thee well. No, this was the real thing. I had heard that such an event might happen, a rarity to be sure, but still known to occur. Well, it had finally happened to me.
I didn't see this sex as any more titillating to the knight than the fuck at the beginning.* I know I should be convinced she's "rocked his world" unlike any other, but I didn't quite get there.* The sex in both scenes seemed a bit mechanical, I'd like to understand more of what he was thinking/feeling, than just hearing about the "what's".
You dip into the "pussy was tight even thought she wasn't a virgin" well twice.
Ending seemed a bit abrupt, maybe some more lamenting on his part.
I didn't read your other story specific feedback in detail, so I hope this is useful and not repetitive.
--------------------------------
To your other points, first of all, I miss fcdc too, and hope she decides to return.
I'd say the people who have commented on your story are most of the people you'd want commenting on it, so if there is some kind of fraternity here, then welcome to it!* I don't see any of the high praise on this board as backslapping at all.* Speaking for myself, I may gush over something VarianP has written for instance, and that might have something to do with my appreciation for the time she has taken to give me feedback on my stuff, but I try to separate that from my objective appreciation for something's she's written, along with anything else I might add that would help improve the story.* "Great beat, easy to dance to" is nice to hear, but to stop there would be doing her or anyone else a disservice, and it's not what people seeing honest feedback are after.
Is there a bit of a Simon Crowell Syndrome creeping in from time to time?* I dunno, maybe.* Speaking for myself maybe I have a little too much fun with the feedback from time to time.** But I hope at least it helps make my feedback stick a bit.* It's never malintentioned and if anything (certainly*in my case), it thinly veils the fact I have no technical expertise or training in writing or editing whatsoever.* In the end, though, I hope I'm helpful.
On that point, Simon Crowell may sing like William Hung, but we'll never know it because Simon's never taking the mike.* But there isn't anyone on this current thread who won't put their own babies out there for feedback, and run the risk of realizing theirs may not be the Gerber Baby they thought they had.* And you have to respect anyone who's willing to put something so personal on the line.* That goes for you, too.
And have I ever made a smart ass comment to someone who's misposted?* Yeah, guilty.* But it's not at all snarly, and not unique to this board...Smartass reigns throughout this site.* That doesn't make it right, but it also doesn't suggest a sense of entitlement to this particular board.* If anything, I'm curious if that guy ever DID find UK Michaela!
That said, all the best to you.* Will keep an eye out for more stories.* In the meantime, feel free to read/comment on my stuff!
Last edited:
Varian P
writing again
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ninefe2dg said:
You may have echoed a few of the thoughts mentioned earlier, but you got a laugh out of me doing it.
Plus, it can be helpful knowing multiple people are noticing the same things--it's a good indicator it's the piece, and not the random straying thought of a lone, mad critic.
writelove said:
Well, if you're doing an alternative universe piece (which I actually think has potential to be a lot more interesting that a straight-up knight-in-midieval-Europe piece), you can do anything you'd like, mixing eras of armor, speech, and the rest. You just have to make an internally-consistent and believable universe, and you have to let us know, somehow, that that's where we are, so we go with the knight in shiny armor ordering his replacement parts online.
The "verse" that comes to mind is Joss Whedon's Firefly. Old West meets the future in space, in English and Chinese. He drew on various cannons and made a compelling and unique realm.
drksideofthemoon
West of the moon. . .
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Varian P said:Well, if you're doing an alternative universe piece (which I actually think has potential to be a lot more interesting that a straight-up knight-in-midieval-Europe piece), you can do anything you'd like, mixing eras of armor, speech, and the rest. You just have to make an internally-consistent and believable universe, and you have to let us know, somehow, that that's where we are, so we go with the knight in shiny armor ordering his replacement parts online.
The "verse" that comes to mind is Joss Whedon's Firefly. Old West meets the future in space, in English and Chinese. He drew on various cannons and made a compelling and unique realm.
I thought his explanation of the alternative universe was a lame attempt to deflect some of the criticism.
I agree, I think the idea of alternative universe has merit, and could make an interesting story. I've only written one "knight' story, and I had a lot of fun with it.
Personally, if he's going to order parts online, why not order the self-lubricating set with the built in porta-potty....
drksideofthemoon said:I thought his explanation of the alternative universe was a lame attempt to deflect some of the criticism.
I agree, I think the idea of alternative universe has merit, and could make an interesting story. I've only written one "knight' story, and I had a lot of fun with it.
Personally, if he's going to order parts online, why not order the self-lubricating set with the built in porta-potty....
I actually thought about how fun it would be if the story HAD been written with a 20th (sorry 21st, sheesh!) Century voice...why say defecate when "dropping a deuce" works just as well.
Seriously w-love, something to consider...
The following quote indicates doubt regarding my story as an alternative universe. Frankly Dark, my goal is to improve my writing. Why should I deflect criticism. If I feel a comment is valuable, then I will pay attention. If none of them are of much worth, I will probably leave the site as a waste of my time. There are a number of writers on this site that are quite good so I am here. Maybe some of it will rub off.
As everyone, I love to be affirmed in what I do. We all love praise. However, the only true praise that has any value is someone willing to pay for your work. I am not there yet. So I try to improve. You say that you don't care about being published, so perhaps you have a different perspective. Perhaps this little pond is your world. Of course you may have just said that to deflect fear, of failure perhaps. I am not trying to put thoughts in your mind, just taking liberties thay you seem to enjoy as well.
You tend to give great criticism and then forget yourself. I can't quite understand it, probably would make a good character in an alternative universe story.
I do believe that a built-in porta potty sounds excellent. I just need to work out the mechanism of where the water will be stored.
Various comments about the lack of balance in using defecation at the beginning as a most inappropriate hook, does have some merit. I will make some adjustments.
And there are many other excellent suggestions that will certainly help me. Giving such feedback is extremely valuable and takes a great deal of time. I plan to do the same for your stories in like manner.
The criticism of ninefe2d has really made me wonder what I was doing. The comment was several places that had phrasing like "lamenting over older models and replacement parts." For some reason I actually liked this phrasing, but I can understand why you don't. I was hoping for a different reaction from you in my use of modern phrasing in a often typically historical setting. I am not sure how I should handle it. I will probably put it all away for a few days, let it incubate and then revisit it. My rule of thumb is that if something distracts the reader like this obviously did, then it should be removed. Like the flashback that some other person noted as troublesome, this too is a problem I think.
Anyway, thanks again for helping me, all of you.
One more thing. Yeah, I learned something from scouries all right. Stir things up a bit and you get what you want, in this case detailed criticism. Maybe I should say "Do not respond to this thread." Now I just need a scribbled to help me out. (and now no one will respond -- no no not that -- please)
As everyone, I love to be affirmed in what I do. We all love praise. However, the only true praise that has any value is someone willing to pay for your work. I am not there yet. So I try to improve. You say that you don't care about being published, so perhaps you have a different perspective. Perhaps this little pond is your world. Of course you may have just said that to deflect fear, of failure perhaps. I am not trying to put thoughts in your mind, just taking liberties thay you seem to enjoy as well.
You tend to give great criticism and then forget yourself. I can't quite understand it, probably would make a good character in an alternative universe story.
I do believe that a built-in porta potty sounds excellent. I just need to work out the mechanism of where the water will be stored.
The following is a quote from my story. Note the reference to Eagle Mountain. Eagle Mountain is a place in another story (The Mirror of Love pt 2) that contains an alternative universe in which eagles have intelligence. This is not medieval England or some other European nation that have specific historical significance and rules about armor and swords. I would never be able to figure that out.drksideofthemoon said:
So all the comments about armor will not be used in a re-write of my story. That is not a criticism that I will encorporate.
Various comments about the lack of balance in using defecation at the beginning as a most inappropriate hook, does have some merit. I will make some adjustments.
And there are many other excellent suggestions that will certainly help me. Giving such feedback is extremely valuable and takes a great deal of time. I plan to do the same for your stories in like manner.
The criticism of ninefe2d has really made me wonder what I was doing. The comment was several places that had phrasing like "lamenting over older models and replacement parts." For some reason I actually liked this phrasing, but I can understand why you don't. I was hoping for a different reaction from you in my use of modern phrasing in a often typically historical setting. I am not sure how I should handle it. I will probably put it all away for a few days, let it incubate and then revisit it. My rule of thumb is that if something distracts the reader like this obviously did, then it should be removed. Like the flashback that some other person noted as troublesome, this too is a problem I think.
Anyway, thanks again for helping me, all of you.
One more thing. Yeah, I learned something from scouries all right. Stir things up a bit and you get what you want, in this case detailed criticism. Maybe I should say "Do not respond to this thread." Now I just need a scribbled to help me out. (and now no one will respond -- no no not that -- please)
marshalien said:
drksideofthemoon
West of the moon. . .
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I have no problem with your alternative universe idea, however, when you do your re-write, I think you need to mention something, and possibly drop the reference to the "Crusades", or give it a slightly different name.
Why couldn't you write an authentic medival knight's story. All it takes is research. I've probably got over 200 hours of research on the Lakota for Montana Summer. Yeah, at times it can be dry work, but in the end, the story is better for it.
Now, as for watertank, I think a 5 gallon holding tank built into his breast plate and the piece that goes on the back...you could also use it for cooling...(and no, I'm not trying to be facetious)...
Remember the "Stillsuits" in Dune? You could actually do something along that line...
Why couldn't you write an authentic medival knight's story. All it takes is research. I've probably got over 200 hours of research on the Lakota for Montana Summer. Yeah, at times it can be dry work, but in the end, the story is better for it.
Now, as for watertank, I think a 5 gallon holding tank built into his breast plate and the piece that goes on the back...you could also use it for cooling...(and no, I'm not trying to be facetious)...
Remember the "Stillsuits" in Dune? You could actually do something along that line...
Hi W/L...I've gone back and forth on this a bit...I'm not sure I have a "problem" with replacement parts/rock world/best of shape of my career. I had difficulty reconciling this with the language below, which is anything but modern...
My knight," she cried. "You have won all of me. Now give me that one boon I must have."
"Anything," I whispered, barely able to talk so consumed was I by her silky legs and the tightness of her pussy. "What is it? What do you want?"
"I want your soul," she cried. "You must grovel before me, let me walk over the embers of your wasted life."
"That is one boon I cannot give," I said in return. "I can however give you something far grander, like the elephant is to the mouse, this boon will tower above all other gifts."
"And what is that my Lord," she said softly in my ear, her tongue twisting inside the lobe. Each twist of her tongue caused my penis to jerk as though I was about to erupt.
"My princess," I said. "I want to carry your scarf on my arm as a banner of our endless love. No slave to your demands but Lord to Lady and Lady to Lord."
"But that would be true love," she said jerking against me so I was thrust into her, my pelvis hard against her clitoris.
With my hands on her buttocks I pressed her against me, my penis throbbing inside of her, her clitoris hard against me. We stayed that way several minutes quivering like a dear and stag in heat, craving the release, almost finding it but allowing it to fade before the onslaught of our contemplations.
"I would you be my slave," she said, "And you mine. I want to feel your hand on the rosy cheeks of my bottom, feel the pain of my naughtiness, then explode into pleasure at your passion."
"You are such a naughty girl, no Lady at all," I said at last. "Yes, I think you should be punished greatly for your sins."
So saying I raised my hand and popped it against the softness of her buttocks.
"Again," she cried. So, I did it again and again.
Again, haven't read all the comments in detail, I think VarianP pointed out some inconsistencies in language, not sure if that's what she meant. I would have NO problem with it being "all out" modern speak, so long as it's not over the top and gets in the way of the story/the sex/etc...right down to him lamenting..."hey I just got HOSED!" No problem with that whatsoever!
It sounds as though my comments in general were thought provoking. I hope they were. Certainly your story was and for that, I thank you.
Speaking of the built in shitter, wouldn't five gallons of water weigh a lot??
drksideofthemoon
West of the moon. . .
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ninefe2dg said:
About 50 lbs, but what the hell, you're riding around in a steel suit, what's a few more pounds...
Dark, You do intrigue me regarding actually doing research. I confess to laziness in this regard, but the pursuit of such accuracy might be fun.
The reference to the Crusades is gone.
Also, I am a great lover of Dune. An armored stillsuit, cool in the summer, warm in the winter, sounds quite good.
Ninef2db, Your point about consistency in regard to the language is excellent. I don't know what else to say other than - you are right. I need to choose one or the other.
This has been most educational.
The reference to the Crusades is gone.
Also, I am a great lover of Dune. An armored stillsuit, cool in the summer, warm in the winter, sounds quite good.
Ninef2db, Your point about consistency in regard to the language is excellent. I don't know what else to say other than - you are right. I need to choose one or the other.
This has been most educational.
christabelll
Too...Gone Baby Gone
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Well thats only if you look at Northern "european" traditions of shields.
One of the most feared and useful tactics in Southern europe was that of greek and roman shield walls. They were virtually indestructible, could withstand a hail of arrows, properly linked were nigh to impossible to push aside or through among other things.
The most valuable piece of equipment they owned (outside of shortswords and spears), was their shield.
Sheild Mate meant exactly that - your mate/friend/defendent you trained with with to lock and hold shields together.
Come back with your shield or on it - was not just a saying it was deadly serious.
They were very valuable, and were passed father to son -
Egads - I am waxing again!
An event I went to a few years ago had a troop of 40 or so with period style greek shields. They had practiced for months and months using the shield wall techniques of the greeks and romans.
THey WON every competition that year. Every single one. More than 200 other competitors tried everything they could think of to defeat that shield wall and nothing worked. In the end, it was an all flank - literally every possible angle of attack that brought them down. And even then the attackers had MASSIVE casualities (mock) before they even began to unravel the strength of the defending team.
Phew... what a sight that must have been nigh 1500 years ago
a greek or roman phalanx trained in shield wall techniques????
the movie 300 tries...
anyway I am goping to run away now >:-}
One of the most feared and useful tactics in Southern europe was that of greek and roman shield walls. They were virtually indestructible, could withstand a hail of arrows, properly linked were nigh to impossible to push aside or through among other things.
The most valuable piece of equipment they owned (outside of shortswords and spears), was their shield.
Sheild Mate meant exactly that - your mate/friend/defendent you trained with with to lock and hold shields together.
Come back with your shield or on it - was not just a saying it was deadly serious.
They were very valuable, and were passed father to son -
Egads - I am waxing again!
An event I went to a few years ago had a troop of 40 or so with period style greek shields. They had practiced for months and months using the shield wall techniques of the greeks and romans.
THey WON every competition that year. Every single one. More than 200 other competitors tried everything they could think of to defeat that shield wall and nothing worked. In the end, it was an all flank - literally every possible angle of attack that brought them down. And even then the attackers had MASSIVE casualities (mock) before they even began to unravel the strength of the defending team.
Phew... what a sight that must have been nigh 1500 years ago
a greek or roman phalanx trained in shield wall techniques????
the movie 300 tries...
anyway I am goping to run away now >:-}
Your point about the shield wall is truly accurate, that's why the Roman javelin was designed with a soft rather than tempered head. Once the point entered a shield the point bent and the shaft dragged the ground often causing the shield bearer to drop his shield or leave it's cover to wrench said javelin loose thus exposing himself to further javelins or sling shot. Of course in your re-enactment you can't very well risk throwing javelins at your fellow performers, that would be just a tad too realistic.
christabelll
Too...Gone Baby Gone
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yeah boffer headed spears made for slightly hysterical viewing...
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