Finding your match on line....

[Paradyce]

My "coming out" reply...??

Okay, so here I am posting a message I never thought I would do on here, or anywhere for that matter. Guess after seeing the original post on this, and about meeting a "match" on line, well, here I am with my reply.

I met someone while not even looking, especially not for a Dom. We talked for a while, and I had no clue as to His "preferences", if you will, but after seeing how He typed, it became pretty clear to me that He was in fact, a Dominant. Well boy howdy, how interesting!! I never would have figured I could even be remotely interested in this lifestyle, but the way He spoke was intriguing me, and I wanted to learn more about it. We spoke more often, and the more we spoke, the more interested I became.

Let's just put it this way... Never has anything in my life turned me on as much as he has. His forcefulness combined with His respect and compassion has brought me to a whole new level of conciousness, and for that, I am forever in His debt. Possibly one day this may lead into a R/T thing, and I may experience so much more, but for now, it shall remain strictly on line and to the phone.

Guess I just needed to say that I was "ignorant" to this lifestyle, but now have a completely new respect for it.

Thanks for listening...

 

[badmatt]

You know...

I had basically given up even coming close to finding a match online. For more reasons than I care to list here. But lit has reinspired me.

One thing I have to say is simply this...

just like you would in any bar or club or other venue, when you meet someone here, give it time, fakes and liars will weed themselves out for you, and before you know it you find the ones you truly want to know. And from there it's a simple measure of how far to take it.

 

[MissTaken]

Paradyce:
I am smiling to myself as I type this. How wonderful for you.

I remember when I first began contemplating submission and the factors that came into play.

At that time, I was building a wonderful on line friendship, which began at lit and moved to instant messengers etc. We chatted often and I liked him...again, as friends only.

Finally, different things started to gel...his demeanor, his tastes and I had to ask the question, "Are you, perchance, a Dom?" Of course, he is.

He remains a wonderful friend and mentor. Your post and my experience serve to support cym's statement that the relationship develops on it's own merits, not on BDSM.

Love the individual for who he is , not for the heat of his whip!

*Just my random thought for the day*

 

[mskittykatt]

i met Lord Sannion here at Lit. actually i read one of his stories and sent him feedback, and we started talking from there. the connection was emotional and spiritual, and from there and a mutual willingness to continue on, and build a friendship it evolved from there. took on a life of it's own!!!
i met my boyfriend on a game i used to play online as well, we chatted and flirted in the game for months as friends, then a little more...soon phone calls and then i moved across the country to give it a shot. that is something i will never regret.
it is my experiance that the fakes and liars *do* in fact get weeded out, usually sooner than later and when you're done (that's the hard part) you're left with real people, with real feelings, hopes and dreams. if you're honest then you can grow a lot online and by phone and (e)mail long before you take that somewhat scary step into RL.
every fear, every minute of insecurity was worth it, i wouldn't change a thing.
and it's actually fun for me now, when people ask how we met to say online. and mouths drop open and people giggle and blush and say really? wow i chat on yahoo, where did you two meet?

 

[Ebonyfire]

Alt.com

I met my boy in WA state and the one I have now in CT on Alt.com. I had an Ad as a Domme, and they both (at different times) emailed me. Something about them struck a cord in me and we started chatting.

Ebony

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: You know...

I had basically given up even coming close to finding a match online. For more reasons than I care to list here. But lit has reinspired me.

One thing I have to say is simply this...

just like you would in any bar or club or other venue, when you meet someone here, give it time, fakes and liars will weed themselves out for you, and before you know it you find the ones you truly want to know. And from there it's a simple measure of how far to take it.

Exactly Matt. I find being online no worse than meeting at a bar, health club, or even church for that matter!

Liars and fakes exist everywhere. The good news is that lies are hard to sustain over time. So take you time, if they are liars and fakes, they will trip themselves up sooner rather than later.

Ebony

 

[froggy_day]

red flags

So can someone help me out by letting me know what some of the red flags are?

 

[MissTaken]

Some red flags to consider,

a) Is he consistent in what he tells you? Does it mesh with what you see from him? Lies are a huge red flag.

b) If he says he is single but can only e mail you at certain times or limits the times he is available for phone calls etc, it is worth exploring a bit further.

c) Is he confident in what his desires are? OR do you feel like everytime you talk with him he is changeing his opinion and desires to match yours?

d) Follow those inklings and those funny little knots in your stomach, if something doesn' t feel right, it generally isn't.

Now, these are just suggestions. It is always possible that any one of these things may happen and not be a problem. Ask lots of questions, communicate clearly adn honestly and best of luck.



Also, you should read "The On line Predator " thread. I will look for it for you.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Since you are looking for a male sub to play with,

1) Beware if he asks for details of "scenes" constantly asking what you would do for him. Most of the time that means he is looking for wanking material.

2) If he asks for pictures.

3) If he asks you what you do wear or will wear as a Domme.

Eb

 

[skye in silk]

tis funny. i have been chatting with one man for about two months. until very recently i have been wondering if he was really a "vanilla" person in disguise bec he doesn't act like most of the "Doms" online. and to be quite frank i kind of gave up on my idea of persuing a D/s relationship because he acted just too normal, treating me with respect, not demanding me to do certain tasks etc. LOL was i ever wrong, listening to his past experience, was like a big wide eye opening experience to me, and to tell the truth im thrilled and hope to meet him in R/L.

just thought it was funny, that when i stopped looking for a Dom and started caring about a person, chatting with him and meeting on an intellectual level, seems i might have found exactly what i was looking for. go figure.

skye

 

[MissTaken]

Skye?

We are all people, first.

Getting to know the person before the introduction of BDSM is as healthy as meeting someone in the community who sparks your interest and then going on a first date.

That is good news.

I hope that it works out for you, or at the very least, that you hvae made a new friend!

 

[skye in silk]

Skye?

We are all people, first.

Getting to know the person before the introduction of BDSM is as healthy as meeting someone in the community who sparks your interest and then going on a first date.

That is good news.

I hope that it works out for you, or at the very least, that you hvae made a new friend!

thanks MissTaken. yes i know to take it slow, to get to know the person first. but i really didn't think he was into D/s, just from conversing about the subject. Thought he might be someone who was interested in experimenting a bit, but didn't truly understand the power exchange. Talking and learning more and more about him every day, finding out that he keeps things very close to his vest bec he is not interested in online play, but prefers real life...just kind of like finding an unopened christmas present in april.

sometimes newbies like me are fooled by the behavior online and think that it is at least a representation of whats real, in regards to D/s. that when one finds someone who doesn't "fit" the mold, they may dismiss them as someone who doesn't practice. the whole reason i continued talking to him is because he is amazing to me, spiritually, emotionally and intellectually...as a person not as a Label.

still taking it slow every day. getting to know him and looking forward to April when we have a tenative meeting set up.

All My Best, Skye

 

[froggy_day]

Thanl you all for your input, it seems we're doing ok in our search. I like to compare what we're going versus what's worked for others.

 

[justgem]

.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: very slowly very carefully

i met my Grv online and was not in any way shape or form "looking" for anything

- initially: met Him and found i liked Him

- time passed: liked Him more

- time passed: cautiously agreed to make exclusive time for Him when we were both online at the same time

- time passed: nervously gave Him my email address, inadvertantly revealing my given name. He nobly pointed that out and suggested i fix my personal information to not reveal it for safety

- time passed: spoke to Him over the headset, He could hear me but i couldnt hear Him as He at that time didnt own His own headset.

- time passed: He got a headset and i heard His voice.

- time passed: He sent me a picture of Himself

-time passed: He gave me His work number and cell number.

-time passed: i did not reciprocate but would call Him using a prepaid calling card.

- time passed: gave Him my phone number.

-time passed: sent Him a picture of myself.

- time passed: He expressed a growing love for me, i did not respond back with the same, but did not back away.

- time passed: eventually i came to the realization that i loved Him too

- time passed: He got a web cam and i was able to see Him every night when we spoke on the headset

- time passed: He gave me His address so i could send Him snail mail

- time passed: i gave Him mine

- over time: we talked daily, studied together, grew together

- months passed: i got a web cam

- more months passed: i flew to see Him face to face

that happened nearly 14 months after our initial meeting online. over the year i aquired a deep trust in Him yet because of my own harping to others to operate with extream caution i still set up a safety network before i flew to see Him.

result? because of the way we met verbal communication was an absolute must. the transition to face to face was incredibly smooth and natural not one step in our relationship was forced. we already knew eachother well before we were able to physically touch. time had tested our endurance, had we rushed i dont believe the result wouldve been nearly as sweet as it is.

i am the prize winning turtle who slow and steadily won the race.

bw
gem

Wonderful post gem. I totally agree with the concept of caution and discretion.

Eb

 

[LovingDaddy]

Some red flags to consider,

a) Is he consistent in what he tells you? Does it mesh with what you see from him? Lies are a huge red flag.

b) If he says he is single but can only e mail you at certain times or limits the times he is available for phone calls etc, it is worth exploring a bit further.

c) Is he confident in what his desires are? OR do you feel like everytime you talk with him he is changeing his opinion and desires to match yours?

d) Follow those inklings and those funny little knots in your stomach, if something doesn' t feel right, it generally isn't.

Now, these are just suggestions. It is always possible that any one of these things may happen and not be a problem. Ask lots of questions, communicate clearly adn honestly and best of luck.



Also, you should read "The On line Predator " thread. I will look for it for you.

Froggie and Miss Taken, here is a link about online preditors. Forgive me if it's been duplicated.

http://www.houseofdesade.org/safety/predator.htm

 

[LovingDaddy]

I've enjoyed reading this thread and it seems that many of us, Dom and subs have been through similair heartache with finding a match online. I was actually messaged in a yahoo chat room a few weeks ago by a submissive who found my profile interesting. We've been talking and getting to know one another and things are slowly progressing. I can thank her for introducing me to Lit as amatter of fact!
I can usually tell when all efforts to move a conversation from Lifestyle related topics fall on deaf ears. Folks who are online to get off or play games can care less about me and who I am as a man or person. That's probably the biggest red flag for me.

 

[SubChristy]

I am finding myself single again. For whatever reason it did not work between U/us and O/our relationship ended. I agree with you Miss T. it has and is very frusterating sifting through the many emails i get. And thank you for posting some of the red flags to look for....its always good to remind us. I am very happy to read all of the success stories...i hope someday i will find Him.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to say for me, online seemed the best way to go to find the one I wanted to spend my life with, and without having to outlay a lot of money and time I didn't have by doing the clud scene etc. I figured there was just as much chance of finding a jerk that way, likely more if I was tempted to rush into something which looked good but maybe wasn't once you scratched the surface. While I had a lot of players who led you to believe they want R/T but always found a way to put off meeting, I also met a lot of genuine people and ones who became real friends....and most importantly, I met Master. Nearly 2 years later, married, collared, and living on the other side of the planet, I shudder at the thought I could be still out there looking if I had ignored all those signals which defied common sense at the time.

Catalina

 

[LovingDaddy]

Have to say for me, online seemed the best way to go to find the one I wanted to spend my life with, and without having to outlay a lot of money and time I didn't have by doing the clud scene etc. I figured there was just as much chance of finding a jerk that way, likely more if I was tempted to rush into something which looked good but maybe wasn't once you scratched the surface. While I had a lot of players who led you to believe they want R/T but always found a way to put off meeting, I also met a lot of genuine people and ones who became real friends....and most importantly, I met Master. Nearly 2 years later, married, collared, and living on the other side of the planet, I shudder at the thought I could be still out there looking if I had ignored all those signals which defied common sense at the time.

Catalina

Catalina, I'm very happy to hear a success story like yours. I know it's possible and it's just like anything else.....time, persistance, patience, and common sense do pay off eventually.

 

[MissTaken]

Have to say for me, online seemed the best way to go to find the one I wanted to spend my life with, and without having to outlay a lot of money and time I didn't have by doing the clud scene etc. I figured there was just as much chance of finding a jerk that way, likely more if I was tempted to rush into something which looked good but maybe wasn't once you scratched the surface. While I had a lot of players who led you to believe they want R/T but always found a way to put off meeting, I also met a lot of genuine people and ones who became real friends....and most importantly, I met Master. Nearly 2 years later, married, collared, and living on the other side of the planet, I shudder at the thought I could be still out there looking if I had ignored all those signals which defied common sense at the time.

Catalina

Yes, and for me, to find someone special or find a jerk, it can happen in both arenas, on line or real time. Hell, my next door neighbor could be a predator.

However, what finally worked for me was to find someone I cliqued with on line and take it to real time rather quickly. It was easier to do as we only live a hundred miles apart.

Scooter and I have talked and realize we would have NEVER found our soulmates without the internet.

 

[Lancecastor]

There are NO matches made online...the 'net simply enables you to look further for potential dates.

But, to repeat, there is NO match to be made without a significant amount of face time...text and phone are not a relationship.

Case in point...this thread is two years old.

 

[stephb]

I can say, from (unavoidable) experience, that you can have a relationship online and over the phone.

I have been in the long distance relationship that I'm in now for over a year and a half. I really don't regret the relationship either. I wasn't really looking for anyone. It had been 2 or so years since my last relationship and I can say that I had pretty much given up on the dating thing, at least for the time being. I had gradually come to the conclusion that I was bisexual and very much into the kinkier side of things but wasn't ready to explore that in real-time yet. I had also found the Open Source Software movement and realized that I was very interested in web development and programming. I started going to an IRC server that catered to those interested in such things and was very happy going on and on about the stupidity of some web designers and my liking for strict structuring in web design.

Then I started talking to someone in PM about my interests. As we talked more and more we realized that our interests were very, very similar. I wanted to try and keep it casual just because of the fact that he was so far away - Australia to my US - but I couldn't help the fact that I was falling for him quickly. We ended up admitting to each other that maybe we were getting past the point of casual friendship.

And yes, there was a lot of messing about. We're both human and we have needs. But it was only with each other. We've both been entirely faithful during this time even though it's been hard.

When I started to fall for him, I really didn't know that he was into learning about BDSM. I was still questioning my sexuality a bit and wondering if I was really into men at all. After my last relationship I was, in all truthfulness, ready to give up on the male population for good. I was tired of no one understanding my needs. I was tired of no one taking me for what I am. Everyone wants you to be someone you aren't in this world now...

Getting back on track, we found out that we both were a bit kinky. After a while, we found out together that we were a whole lot kinkier than a little. I decided that I would want to start experimenting with at least that part of my sexuality and at the same time I had grown so close to this man that I didn't want to do it with anyone else but him.

So we pretty much come to the present time now. We're still very far apart and we don't know when that will change. Hopefully this year late, but we really don't know. Things have come up that make it very difficult to set a date of any kind to meet. The money just isn't there for either of us, but we're not willing to give it up. It would hurt too much to lose what I have just because of a stupid distance problem. I love him. I'm not going to stop loving him because we're half a world apart from each other. I don't want anyone else. I don't want to explore this lifestyle with anyone else. Hell, I really don't want to spend my LIFE with anyone else. And we've just sent pictures, talked via email and IM, and the phone.

You can meet people online that are your perfect match. You can do it by accident. I think this was a fluke. It was meant to be. I'm not about to go messing with fate or whatever you call it. He makes my life better and I'm not going to give it up.

I have to ask, Lance, what you would call this?

 

[esclave_PP]

Master and I found each other quite by accident in the yahoo bdsm chats back in 1998 -- we both lived in the Bay Area at the time and met up in person and our relationship bloomed from there (http://www.angelfire.com/journal2/malcah_ms/girl.html if you are interested in reading our history together). Because we both now live in separate towns (wahhhh...) we make due with communicating online and seeing each other when we can. We both are RL and use the online as a means of staying in touch. Although we're only 4 hours apart (Him in Vegas, me in SoCal) so it isn't too horrible. But yes meeting someone online and then in person can be both scary and disappointing. My best advice is to go to local munches and play parties, get to know the folks in your area and then perhaps find the Master/sub you've been looking for!