Following my Own Advice

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I have no idea what people mean when they speak of COMMUNICATION. No such animal exists.

I took the old lady out for steak on Valentines Day. HOWYA WANT IT? THE WAITRESS ASKED. The steak wasn't as rare as the old lady prefers, so she makes a mental note to stress RARE next time.

Guys are like microwaves, we don't know till you press the right buttons. I tell my wife, NUKE MY POTATO AN EXTRA 30 SECONDS!

Make yourself clear!

 

[NightL]

just curious: why so emphatic? feeling cranky?

ed

Oh sorry! I didn't realise I needed to pussy foot around you, ed. Feeling delicate?

Well - lots of feely feelies

just as long as everyone remembers that communication can be delivered with a heart felt smile and warmth. Throwing a whole bunch of seriousness into simple expression will inevitably require mediators. They always have their own agendas.

Sorry what were you saying ed and Rainshine? - I got sidetracked again.

Ok - I will address this a little more directly - Ellafun, ask yourself "Can I express my desires and wishes simply and maybe including a bit of fun along the way or do I go down the serious serious approach with diagrams, charts and make this really intense and freak us both out?"

The communication can be delivered in an exciting and fun and simple way.

Oh - your children at nearly 18 and 20 are no longer teenagers - they are young adults. They are having sex and they know you are as well. Neither have to advertise it - but just accept that all understand. "This weekend - Get out of the house - Mom and Dad are having a party" - they don't need to know you are not inviting anyone else.

 

[NightL]

I

I I I I I I I I I I - oh fuck just multiply that "I" a thousand times

 

[GrrlFriday]

I like the 'having a party' approach, it gives a plausible deniability to it. Ella, if your kids had serious boyfriends or girlfriends, where would they sleep? Would you feel the need to talk about that with them, or just let them sort out where their bf/gf will sleep? (Including two bunched up in the single bed with elbows everywhere... XD )

 

[Cathleen]

Well, Ella, I can certainly see why and how this is a difficult situation for you to address. It seems counter intuitive but discussing the most intimate things with our most intimate person is tough. As others have said, it's that we have something to lose I suppose.

Regarding having a conversation with your husband about your lack of satisfaction with your sex life is going to be really rough. I think I'd go in with the "I know I should have talked about this since the beginning but..." Keep the onus on you. I'd also keep the steps small, "Rome wasn't built in a day" idea. I like the suggestion of an "I'm in control tonight," so it gives you the opportunity to show him what you want and it might relieve him of some anxiety he may have about this. Again, just one or two small changes can get you two on a good road.

I have a feeling it's something of a fine line to not hurt his male pride...not sure you can avoid a bruise. However, for the sake of your pleasure, not to mention for the sake of honesty, I think it's something you need to attempt.

I wish there was an easy answer but there isn't. I suppose the question could be where did/does the responsibility lie? Clearly it would've been best for you to speak up sooner but that gets you no where.

(Also, it's definitely not uncommon for women to need more than PIV stimulation for an orgasm. I suspect you know that, though.)

All the best on this, Ella.

 

[NightL]

Regarding having a conversation with your husband about your lack of satisfaction with your sex life is going to be really rough.

All in the wording and approach "Hun you don't do it for me" will probably not go down well - produce a whole bunch of anxiety and insecurities that become an extra burden to the situation. However, "Now the children have grown up I am wanting to put more effort into us. I am curious to see if we can build the spice up again in our sex life and maybe discover even more than we have. What would your ideas be? I have some things I would like to try as well".

 

[Cathleen]

All in the wording and approach "Hun you don't do it for me" will probably not go down well - produce a whole bunch of anxiety and insecurities that become an extra burden to the situation. However, "Now the children have grown up I am wanting to put more effort into us. I am curious to see if we can build the spice up again in our sex life and maybe discover even more than we have. What would your ideas be? I have some things I would like to try as well".

Far better wording and thought than I expressed, Night. That is an excellent approach. Above all, great care needs to be taken.

 

[Ellafun]

Thank you for all your thoughtful responses. I haven't disappeared on you; just having to deal with this never ending winter. Mother Nature apparently needs to get laid, too.

 

[Ellafun]

I hope things are improving, Ella. x

Thank you, that's very nice of you.

Things are the same. By the same, I mean I haven't had sex since (goes to check calendar...flips back a month) sometime in March? Maybe? I dunno. I went from winter to drought. It is what it is at the moment. My sex life isn't the priority right now, so I haven't really done much in the way of trying to pursue a solution.

I am hoping that at some point in the near future I can go back and read through this whole thread and put some of the good advice I received into action. For now though, I'm just happy to have someone to kiss goodnight.

el.

 

[Acktion]

Umm. Not to be a cloud in a silver lining as this was a pretty awesome thread with lots of good tidbits.

However... I've got that thing that killed the cat seven times already and I just have to ask...

Ella, you've mentioned that HE is a bit nervous about the kids hearing and so forth. I'm just wondering, where are YOU in all of this?

Understand, please, that I am in no way belittling what you are saying in your desires for a little more foreplay and specifically oral sex. I'm just wondering how it is that you feel when you are taking those less than five minutes in the bedroom and he is inside you... I'm just wondering if you, too, might be thinking about the children hearing you or the fact that it's already after ten and you have to get him up at four and so forth and that might play some small part in what you are feeling as well.

Not really looking for an answer there so much as wondering if you had thought about it and considered it for yourself.

Having some idea of just what it is that Sex Therapists that NightL mentioned do (dropped out when they told me I wouldn't get PAID for the practicum), I'd say he does have a very valid point that I would like to reiterate. They can help.

But, also, don't be surprised if about 90% of their help is focused on communication.

Having said that, I can admit as a man and with friends that are men, that we tend to get... comfortable? I wrestled with words such as "nostalgic" or "sentimental" there, but I suppose comfortable is the best fit. I mean, if you think about it, how many females actually WEAR their old "lucky sweatshirt" from their college years even with the motheaten holes in them.

And wow, I just realized that could have come across really, really non-complimentary and I didn't mean it that way.

But, yeah, some of us tend to not think in terms of "improvement" sometimes, particularly when we are already pretty enamoured with what we have got.

However, I would also like to flip something that was said on it's edge as well. While you have 28 years invested in the relationship, so does he. So, he will most likely not grab his clothes slam out of the house back to his parents and then break up with you as you experienced so long ago. I know that doesn't help you feeling and fearing he might, but I just wanted to toss it out there.

Best of luck with your personal journey in taking your own advice.

 

[In Anticipation]

Thank you, that's very nice of you.

Things are the same. By the same, I mean I haven't had sex since (goes to check calendar...flips back a month) sometime in March? Maybe? I dunno. I went from winter to drought. It is what it is at the moment. My sex life isn't the priority right now, so I haven't really done much in the way of trying to pursue a solution.

I am hoping that at some point in the near future I can go back and read through this whole thread and put some of the good advice I received into action. For now though, I'm just happy to have someone to kiss goodnight.

el.

I'm guessing you've had 28 years of not sharing a lot of stuff about how you feel. It's hard to start that all of a sudden without making yourselves both feel pretty bad about it. I may have missed something but have you considered having counselling together? Usually when you start being totally honest it's good to have someone neutral there to allow you to say what you need to say without interruption. Otherwise (in my experience) it's just going to degenerate into an argument.