Getting a female perspective on approaching

[Monazwx]

I know there are dozens of ways to approach a woman. You can ask an opinionated question, and have it lead into some kind of conversation.

Not to segway from the topic, but why do (some) guys use this tactic? It only pisses me off.

 

[emap]

Just a guess, but I think because they bought some so called 'expert' books and it said to do that in the book.

 

[PublicAffection]

I think some "experts" don't know the difference between starting an argument with a complete stranger, and beginning a conversation in which the other person will return interest in who you are and what you are saying.

Yes, when I'm arguing I'm communicating. But it isn't pleasant for me, and definately doesn't leave me wanting more.

 

[smoothbikini]

Ummm actually, most women are attracted to masculine qualities is a myth. Most women are attracted to a couple things, masculinity or lack of it are not one of them by and large. Take a look at some of the wants in the personals, I can tell you right off, almost every woman who says I want a big strong guy who wants to take care of me, doesn't give a rats ass about the first, they want a guy who makes a ton of money and will pay her way through everything. Even a I like strong men woman will fall head over heels for a geek if he has everything else she wants, like brains, sense of humor likes her for her and doesn't give a rats ass about her faults.

My guy for instance, he is a little taller than I am, not that heavily into games, alot of the time not romantic, he surprises me with a rose or a present sometimes, most of the time his romance is I love you babe. What drew me to him, not that he is hung, strong or hunky, I did not actually know until I met him in person, he has a sense of humor, and he listens to me, he actually wants to know how my day was and pays attention. Granted I think he pays attention so he does not think about what he is doing to me at the time now, then, he actually cared about me. He didn't say i want your body, he did not ask what I did that day and space out, he cared about me, he made me laugh and when he said I love you, he meant it.

I fell for him before I met him, we didn't trade photographs so we fell for what is under the skin, not how he acts, not how I act, but how we both think. Well sometimes I am not sure he does that, but so what, he is just such a wonderful person. I never knew he had masculine qualities until i met him, namely the strong bit, or that he will do the things I find repulsive. I did not know any of that, all I knew was he is funny, he cared about me and well OK I have to admit his voice is drop dead gorgeous, I so did not say that though.

wise woman...

 

[finaljustice_20]

Not to segway from the topic, but why do (some) guys use this tactic? It only pisses me off.

It's a low-risk, easy way to start a conversation with a woman. If it doesn't go well it's not a big deal as it was just a small question to get the ball rolling. It can also be a good way to get over approach anxiety. I've done it a couple times but never really found a way to use it to move into a real convo. If I was to use one now it'd probably be some off the wall type question so it could be fun.

About women being attracted to masculine qualities being a myth.. when I talk about masculine qualities I don't mean a guy that's "hung, strong or hunky". I'm talking about a guy that leads, is in control of his own life, has other things going on besides women, confident, doesn't mask his desires, etc. Lots of men are lacking this today because men don't act like "men" anymore. I believe it's because this is the first generation where males are raised by women. I'm not saying this is a horrible thing, but it is leaving a lot of men completey lost within themselves.

Bash the "experts" all you want, but it's completely changed my life and success rate with women. One guy I have been following lately has changed a lot of my thinking and he doesn't have a book, but I have listened to interviews of his. He is a highly respected motivational speaker and life coach. I think you would be a little bit surprised, as the ones I follow aren't your "fuck them and leave them" type guys. They want to help guys become more successful with women, so that at some point they can have a meaningful relationship with one.

 

[Anhedonic]

I guess I wil pop in here.

I'm 32 so I'm hoping I get some experience points. First off, I've fucked up with women. A lot. It's taken me until my 32nd year of life to figure things out.
My mother sent me into the world with some good knowledge of how to interact with females. She told me to be "warm". I still adopt that principle today. Unfortunately in the past my warmth was a bit much for most. You see, I am an artist(music) so I have an abundance of passion inside of me. It had been my dream for years to be a woman's "everything". I've watched the stupid talk shows on TV where women bring on their cheating husbands to have them tarred and feathered figuratively. I swore I would never be one of those guys. I've educated myself on the female body in an attempt to become adequate for a woman in the bedroom. I've learned aspects of ettiquette and chivalry to mold myself into that knight in shining armor I thought women all wanted. All these qualities are fine in their own right but I just overdid it. I took love to an extreme level that eventually freaked women out. All that time I thought I was being the guy they read about in Danielle Steele storybooks. I never realized until it was too late that these women felt uncomfortable being put on a pedestal constantly. Some women like roses and poetry but damn, not every waking moment. There has to be some sort of balance.

So it took me awhile to find the ability to just chill and interact with women as human beings and hope for friendship only. Granted, its really hard not to notice a nice ass or a pretty face. Actually its impossible. Its about having some class. Don't stare at her tits when she is talking to you. Wait until she is walking away or in a situation where she wouldn't notice. It's ok to glance but when it is a full blown gawk then you become a pig. To be honest, pleasures of the flesh have to be a secondary priority when trying to find a mate. The best sex in the world can't really matter if you can't enjoy life together for a possible long term committment. For this reason I care about what kind of music she likes or what movies she has seen. I want to know if she goes snowboarding or carries a 200 average in bowling. This is the shit that is going to keep me here. Sex is just one of many activities we would do. And its not like you can make improvements in that department if you are lacking talent.

So I decided to give dating a shot again the other night. I'm not really focused on finding someone right now but I am at least approaching women and striking up a conversation. You know what I found to work the best as an opener?

"Hi. How are you doing? My name is ___. What's yours?"

It's amazing what sincerity will get you.

 

[finaljustice_20]

All these qualities are fine in their own right but I just overdid it. I took love to an extreme level that eventually freaked women out. All that time I thought I was being the guy they read about in Danielle Steele storybooks. I never realized until it was too late that these women felt uncomfortable being put on a pedestal constantly. Some women like roses and poetry but damn, not every waking moment. There has to be some sort of balance.

Exactly! Women don't like ass kissing wussies. There's no mystery or challenge.. everything is predictable, and that's a killer for attraction. This is why I don't give many compliments, especially early on since so many guys do it. I believe if you sprinkle compliments it will have more meaning. If she really digs you and you give a good, sincere compliment she will get all excited since you don't do it very often.

I also don't think there is anything wrong with checking a woman out, a real man does not mask his desires as a man. Obviously you don't want to stare or drool or only concentrate on one body part for an entire evening.. but you can quickly check a girl out without it being a bad thing. Women check guys out.. they just don't stare or drool like most guys that just don't have a clue.

 

[emap]

Hmmm well if all you wanted was a guys conference on how well they are doing at being 'right for women' why didn't you say so in the first place?

As for the things you mention as what you meant as being masculine. Let's see a guy that leads can be seen as an asshole, there is a fine line between leading and shoving, usually not that great of an idea until it comes to say where to go on a date. Even then usually best to list a couple places and see what she says, just saying we are going to this indian place when she hates indian food is well bad.

In control of his own life, well gee last I checked, that means he is intelligent and knows what he is doing. What is not to like in that? Usually, that is one of the highest motives to like someone, they know where they want to go and are working for that. Called matching desires, though not always matching in destinations, the trip and reasons tend to be similar for him and her. Sometimes as simple as finding that special someone and living your life with them at your side, sometimes much much more complex.

Confident, well gee that usually is in reference to say, him coming up and talking. Being able to hold a conversation is a really nice thing to, usually called confidence, but really is more along the lines of intelligence.

Doesn't mask his desires. Hun I am sorry to say, if a man did not mask his desires when he walked up to me I very likely would land a right hook on his nose and walk away. Almost no woman unless very hony and drunk would want a man to walk up to her and tell her he wants her body, or that she would look better naked on his bed or any one of the other really bad pick up lines I have heard or been told about. Speaking for myself, I like a man to tell me the truth when i ask what his intentions are, otherwise mask the intentions, I hate having eyes following me every where I go undressing me in their mind. Not a single one of those men ever scored with me, not a one, at least not that I recall.

It is nice to know where you stand with a guy, but being shown it when you meet him. Pardon my french, but no fucking way, I am not going to give the time of day to a man who did not mask his desires. No matter what the desires are, it is creepy and scary and tends to get the woman going in the other direction.

See this is one of those differences, men seem to think that a woman who stares at them is hot, women tend to think that a man doing the same is creepy. I suppose since well can't go outside without having men staring at you.

 

[finaljustice_20]

I'm not going to keep going back and forth about attraction as that could be a never ending conversation. I've stated my opinions on the matter, you can either agree or disagree, it doesn't really matter to me.

I do have a question about the actual topic of the thread though. I've been giving this some thought the past couple days and I've came up with that a reason I can have trouble walking up to a woman is that I don't have a clue what I should say. It seems the majority has said the best way to approach is to be geniune and to just say hi and/or introduce yourself. After that I kinda draw a blank, as I tend to try to stay away from what some people could considering "boring" topics, such as work, school, etc.

I know being geniune means to be true, be yourself, but could it also mean to be direct with your approach? By being direct I don't mean walking up telling the woman you want to have sex with her, but saying something like "I just wanted to come over here and see what you are like."

 

[Anhedonic]

Well, what is she doing? Where are you at? You have to adapt to the situation. Maybe you are at a supermarket and see her comparing a few items you might know something about. Maybe let her know of a better deal or of something that is similar or of better quality. This would create a positive, non-sexual situation that might lead to a couple more sentences of conversation and you can work from there. It helps if you can find humor but even then you can't exactly be Jim Carrey or you will freak her out via embarrassment. I'm from around Seattle so coffee shops always have high quality females. Naturally, you would talk about a particular flavor of coffee. A great opener is "Have you tried the new Pumpkin Pie latte yet?" If she likes coffee she will either agree with you on how great it is or be genuinely interested in trying it. Don't offer to buy her one, especially in Seattle. Woman don't want to be "taken care of" anymore. They want to coexist.

Another great place is the gym. You definitely score points by putting forth 110% effort on your workouts and it isn't long before you are going to need to occupy the workout station she might be at. I'm thinking you can find a suitable conversation from a variety of angles at that point. If you must compliment her on her appearance do it in a professional manner such as "I really must ask how you got such definition in your shoulders." Communicate as if you genuinely wanted to improve yourself from the advice she gives.

There are a ton of different situations you will encounter with women. The key to connecting is to keep things comfortable for the both of you.

Well hey, it looks good on paper.

 

[SweetErika]

I do have a question about the actual topic of the thread though. I've been giving this some thought the past couple days and I've came up with that a reason I can have trouble walking up to a woman is that I don't have a clue what I should say. It seems the majority has said the best way to approach is to be geniune and to just say hi and/or introduce yourself. After that I kinda draw a blank, as I tend to try to stay away from what some people could considering "boring" topics, such as work, school, etc.

I know being geniune means to be true, be yourself, but could it also mean to be direct with your approach? By being direct I don't mean walking up telling the woman you want to have sex with her, but saying something like "I just wanted to come over here and see what you are like."

I don't see a problem with starting with the topics you consider boring, like work and school. If you're genuinely interested, that's going to come through, if there's mutual interest, the conversation is likely to take off from there, and those topics are generally safe, so women are likely to feel more comfortable with them at first. It's a good way to establish a good rapport, IMO, as long as you're honestly interested, have good communication skills and have other ideas of where the conversation could go from there.

I'd say you don't want to dwell on the usual, but you don't want to skip it completely, either, because you might miss out on the women who are more comfy starting there.

It's very unusual for there really to be nothing to say. Do you keep up on current events? Do you look and listen for clues about what she might be interested in? Do you think about things she might be able to give you advice on? Do you look for commonalities so you can talk about those in more detail? Do you ask her about where she's from originally, her likes, dislikes, school/job, interests, etc.?

Being direct can work, but your approach is going to be highly dependent on the situation, like Anhedonic said, and your goals (getting to know her, a friendship, date, sex, etc.).

"I just wanted to come over here and see what you are like," strikes me as a bit off for some reason. Maybe it needs a compliment or leaves too much room for her to wonder if you're trying to label her as good or bad. I don't think it's a problem in general as an opener, but it'd need some sprucing up to work for me.

 

[finaljustice_20]

Thanks for the input. I got a number last night, but it wasn't exactly an "approach". I was at the bowling alley with some friends and ended up flirting with a girl that was bowling in the lane next to us. I was pretty sarcastic and playful and at the end of it asked if she had email, and she told me she had a phone number so I told her to write it down. When she handed it to me I gave her my name and she told me that she'd remember me, with a smile. I'd say that made it sound promising.

I did give her a call earlier tonight but had to leave a voicemail. I made a small joke saying I was the guy that *completely destroyed* her the other night at bowling and gave her my number. We'll see how that goes.

 

[Anhedonic]

Not bad. Just remember to keep the ego down a bit and cruise...

 

[finaljustice_20]

Haha.. that's my type of humor. I'm very sarcastic and say a lot of smart ass type comments. Girls usually dig it as I make it funny.. sometimes they'll even throw some comments back at me.

 

[Nightbird]

You know it's kind of funny in some of the comments you make I see myself and some of my friends.
I knew a guy who approached and asked out pretty much every woman he saw and when he got turned down came back and said she was a bitch etc..

The thing is this. Not every woman is going to be your type, just like not every woman is going to be interested in you. When you approach a woman dont do so thinking how hot she is and how badly you want to date her and or have sex with her approach her with the attitude that gee she's kinda cool maybe we can be friends.

Another thing..Stop trying so hard.. Relax and be yourself.. The best way to be attractive to women is to live well. IF your life is full and your happy women will come to you. Trust me the days of women having to wait for a guy to ask them out is over.

It's been said before but I'm going to say it as well.. Don't be what you think women want you to be. Just be who you are.

 

[finaljustice_20]

I agree with pretty much everything you said. First thing I want to point out is that the days of me calling a girl a bitch for rejecting me are long gone. If I get rejected it will usually be one of two things.. she doesn't have a good sense of humor, or I did something wrong with the approach. More chances then not it'd probably be the 2nd.

I agree that not every woman will be interested in me, that's fine.. In my approaches nowadays, I don't approach a woman and try to "pretend" that I'm not trying to pick her up. I don't mention dates, or taking her out of anything, as you said, those days are over.. but if I feel the approach or interaction went well I will ask for her email or phone number. From there I will try to set up some kind of "date", that costs very little money, such as getting a cup of coffee or hanging out somewhere where there is built in conversation (Best Buy, Wal-Mart, Target, etc).

I can see how I might be trying too hard. Things usually seem to go in my favor whenever I don't put much effort into it. There is one belief I have had for awhile with trying too hard. Say I'm talking to a woman and the conversation is stalling and I'm the only one that's really keeping it going, I think I should just end it as I shouldn't have to do all the work to keep it going.

 

[Nightbird]

Seems to me like your pretty much on the right track with what you said above.

Be patient one day things will click for you.

 

[PublicAffection]

Always listen to Nightbird's advice. He's sexy, and all us girlies want him.

's NB.

 

[NorCalGirl]

I do have a question about the actual topic of the thread though. I've been giving this some thought the past couple days and I've came up with that a reason I can have trouble walking up to a woman is that I don't have a clue what I should say. It seems the majority has said the best way to approach is to be geniune and to just say hi and/or introduce yourself. After that I kinda draw a blank, as I tend to try to stay away from what some people could considering "boring" topics, such as work, school, etc.

I thought I'd jump in and offer my two cents. First of all, about walking up to a woman that you think you'd like to strike up a conversation with: that right there takes guts

Here are some ways that men have struck up conversations with me, conversations that I found non-threatening and was willing to continue with, at least briefly, rather than shutting them down right away.

1. I was in the frozen food aisle, looking at pizzas. A man came up beside me, looked at the choices and then turned with a hopeful look and said, "I don't suppose you can recommend a good frozen pizza?" I recognized the opening line, but he was cute the way he said it, and it was a nice casual way to offer me the chance to either answer politely and move on, or answer a little more fully and continue a conversation.

2. I was at the Farmers Market over the summer and as I was picking out some fresh tomatoes, a gentleman was doing the same. And he just commented on how good the tomatoes were this time of year, and I agreed, and then he said something about "I saw some really good cherries back there too," and I said, "oh really, where was that?" and then he ended up showing me the booth he was talking about. This occurred right when I was just opening my mind up to being in the "dating pool" again, and so I was clueless, never thought he could be striking up a conversation in the interest of anything besides being helpful. So I basically said, "thanks" and turned away, and he walked off. Maybe he was trying to break the ice, maybe not. If he was, that was a nice way to do it.

But mostly, I find it much easier to talk to men when we have something in common to discuss. I met my last b/f through work, so our initial conversations of course were in the workplace.

 

[finaljustice_20]

Thanks for the input.. it sounds like those could be some good ways to atleast open up a conversation. I've read countless times how it's not really *what* you talk about but all these other things, such as your voice tone, body language, etc. I'm sure there's some guys that can talk about the weather in such a way that it turns a woman on instantly.

One thing that I've noticed I do sometimes.. the other night when I got a number being a good example of it, is that I treat any woman (atleast one that I am attracted to) as if she was single. I don't ask myself "oh, so probably has a boyfriend", or whatever.. just treat her as if she was single, doing the types of things I would do to create attraction with a single woman. I don't always do this but when I do do it, it seems to really work.

They might end up telling me they have a boyfriend if I ask a number or email, and that's ok.. all I have to say to that is "cool, thanks" and move on.

 

[southernsky]

Try making some remark about the situation you're in, some kind of joke or other remark that gives off the vibe that you're both in it together, whether it's boring, fun, sad, whatever.