Girlfriend wants me to dominate another girl

[midwestyankee]

What? I didn't add - tell us all the details, speaking slowly and sparing no detail.

That's much better.

 

[Marquis]

In a relationship context, no. It's just not my thing.

Casual fucking? Back in my wild and crazy college days, I had plenty of multiple encounters. I found them entertaining, yes.

It seems like you draw a major distinction between what you will allow to arouse you within a relationship context and what arouses you period. A big part of my attraction to D/s has always been that I felt it could help me enjoy my woman as both my madonna and my whore.

It's not always an easy balance to strike and I'm sure the midpoint is different for all of us.

I had an old female friend for high school come over the other day and basically handed her over to my other guests to play with. Stupid bitch "squirted" all over my fucking living room, which was totally pee, but that's another story altogether.

The point is I would never do that with my sub, but it was entertaining with this other girl, I get it.



Also, I will admit to having been in an mmmf situation in college, although the m's took turns going into the sex room, we called this "the train".

 

[JMohegan]

Any m-m-f?

Nope, and no trains.

It seems like you draw a major distinction between what you will allow to arouse you within a relationship context and what arouses you period. A big part of my attraction to D/s has always been that I felt it could help me enjoy my woman as both my madonna and my whore.

No, for me the multiple sub issue has nothing to do with arousal or madonna/whore.

Asking me why I'm not attracted to the idea of multiple subs is like asking parents: If you love kids so much, why not have as many as possible?

 

[Netzach]

Partnered non-monogamy is the label that Tristan Tarmino has applied to this model. I know a few non-monogamous couples who have the rule that their outside relationships are not to rise to the level of their primary relationship. There are a number of reasons why this might make sense for a couple. I don't think there's any reason why this type of relationship is less valid than polyamory.

Not invalid, just often unrealistic and poorly thought out.

It makes sense for the couple. What the hell kind of sense does it make for a third person outside the scope of temporarily wanting to get her/his rocks off?

If you're looking for a hookup, then great the NSA thing works, more power to you. This isn't a reasonable expectation of a relationship however. Unless they have their own primary too or something.

I just see this permutation rarely to never work unless you are doing some heavily objectifying M/s or something and the third really does want to be your dog. Good luck finding a woman who wants casual sex, really. Not just on paper in a hope to snag something.

 

[JMohegan]

Good luck finding a woman who wants casual sex, really. Not just on paper in a hope to snag something.

The hope to snag can be exploited very effectively, but only in the short run as it pertains to an individual woman - that's usually true.

However, hope to snag isn't exactly in short supply.

So I don't share your pessimism on the availability of casual sex overall.

 

[Netzach]

The hope to snag can be exploited very effectively, but only in the short run as it pertains to an individual woman - that's usually true.

However, hope to snag isn't exactly in short supply.

You are a heavier masochist than I, Sir. I have failed to find sufficient ROI.

 

[JMohegan]

You are a heavier masochist than I, Sir. I have failed to find sufficient ROI.

Nothing masochistic about it!

I'm saying that casual sex requires very little investment at all.

 

[intothewoods]

Not invalid, just often unrealistic and poorly thought out.

It makes sense for the couple. What the hell kind of sense does it make for a third person outside the scope of temporarily wanting to get her/his rocks off?

If you're looking for a hookup, then great the NSA thing works, more power to you. This isn't a reasonable expectation of a relationship however. Unless they have their own primary too or something.

I just see this permutation rarely to never work unless you are doing some heavily objectifying M/s or something and the third really does want to be your dog. Good luck finding a woman who wants casual sex, really. Not just on paper in a hope to snag something.

By not rising to the level of primary partner I did not mean casual fuck per se (though I hear this is a typical arrangement in the swinger community). I just mean the relationship is not primary. And actually sex isn't just what they're looking for. For example, I am friends with a couple who are both tops. They both essentially meet their D/s needs with others, typically choosing secondary partners who themselves have another primary. Those who do this well do spend time and energy on their other partners. But there are rules and boundaries.

 

[Netzach]

Nothing masochistic about it!

I'm saying that casual sex requires very little investment at all.

Then you must be impervious to guilt warfare. Hm.

 

[JMohegan]

Then you must be impervious to guilt warfare. Hm.

Most of my drive-by fucking took place decades ago, but I don't feel guilty about any of it, no.

I've never lied to a woman to get her to bed, never violated the age of consent, never knowingly touched another guy's female, never taken advantage of the severely intoxicated, and I don't kiss and tell.

I don't consider adult women to be children, and refuse to treat them as such. Seduction in the absence of commitment is a game, and if women don't like the potential consequences, then for god's sake they shouldn't be playing.

 

[Homburg]

Actually, according to this:

I knew there was a reason why I like polar bears.

--

Nothing masochistic about it!

I'm saying that casual sex requires very little investment at all.

Eh, this does not prevent prevent ROI comparisons when the return is as minimal as I've personally experienced it to be. Then again, I am admittedly no fan of casual sex.

--

I've never lied to a woman to get her to bed, never violated the age of consent, never knowingly touched another guy's female, never taken advantage of the severely intoxicated, and I don't kiss and tell.

I have similar rules in place, and, wow, they've caused me to lose out on so much sex. But, honestly, I wouldn't change it. I'd rather be able to live with myself than get my carrot wet here and there.

There was one particular girl I knew that would take pain-killers for some condition, and would be both loaded and horny as a result. She wanted it bad, and was very blatant about it. I'd say no as gently as possible, and she'd try guilt, tears, etc. The next morning she always thanked me for being 'noble', but, damn, my dick didn't talk to me for months afterwards.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Partnered non-monogamy is the label that Tristan Tarmino has applied to this model. I know a few non-monogamous couples who have the rule that their outside relationships are not to rise to the level of their primary relationship. There are a number of reasons why this might make sense for a couple. I don't think there's any reason why this type of relationship is less valid than polyamory.

It's not 'less valid' but to frown on one and not the other is a little ignorant and judgemental.

 

[JMohegan]

It's not 'less valid' but to frown on one and not the other is a little ignorant and judgemental.

I've copied his post below, for ease of reference.

He's not judging you or anyone else. He's saying poly's not right for him.

How the heck that could be considered "ignorant and judgemental," I can't fathom.

I'm actually not really looking for polyamory. I don't feel comfortable with that myself and it clashes with my values. I'm more looking for a one time play session or perhaps a casual sexual relationship with a friend that doesn't rise to the level of another romance or committed relationship. Of course, the question arises of how to find that, but I'm not looking for a new relationship by any means.

 

[SirLeo]

Say No More

That's true for a lot of things.

Fantasy is always great, reality as they say, can really suck. I would go for the try it one time approach and have her pick the or at least help pcik the girl.
Good luck. BTW- the price for all this great free advice is your very detailed post after you've tried it!

 

[PhillipeJavert]

Good luck. BTW- the price for all this great free advice is your very detailed post after you've tried it!

Thanks! We talked about it again today, and set some ground rules. She's actually already intensely aroused by the whole thing. Now I just have to figure out how to find a plaything. ^chuckles^ Any suggestions? I hate being 'that guy', but it is an interesting question.

So far I have one lead - at a work conference right before my current gf and I met, I hooked up with a submissive friend. The conference is coming up again, and this friend is rather fond of having her hair pulled, her ass smacked and being turned into a pet puppy and sex pet... ^grins^ You know, this really does sound more and more promising as I think about it.

 

[Adakgirl]

And i don't think there is anything wrong with it at all. As long as this other submissive knows what you are after and why you are after it and that you are in a committed relationship with your gf before you actually scene with her. I think it is perfectly fine to have your needs met by outside means if it's all fine with your partner.

But beware, it is easy for a woman to give her blessing, want you to be satisfied and say have at it, that arouses me go for it.
It may be much harder for her to take in the light of day as you tell her about it... and she realizes that her refusal to meet your needs has allowed you to enjoy the hell out of having the kind of sex that really gets you off...with a submissive woman other than herself.

 

[PhillipeJavert]

And i don't think there is anything wrong with it at all.
It may be much harder for her to take in the light of day as you tell her about it... and she realizes that her refusal to meet your needs has allowed you to enjoy the hell out of having the kind of sex that really gets you off...with a submissive woman other than herself.

Fair enough - but I should be quick to point out that in no way has she refused to meet my needs. She's been quite accommodating in indulging both my dominant and submissive aspects. This is just something additional that she and I want to explore. In fact, it's her willingness to indulge my needs that make me willing to try this to indulge hers. It's only fair, after all. I have my fair share of strange kink. Messing around with another girl isn't something I'd do on my own - even if I had permission - but as something that is just as much a way of bringing pleasure to my partner as it is a way for me to have fun with a new plaything...well, that is different in my book. In a way, it is like we're actually doing something together, even when I'm "doing" someone totally different. Does that sound silly?

 

[Etoile]

Fair enough - but I should be quick to point out that in no way has she refused to meet my needs. She's been quite accommodating in indulging both my dominant and submissive aspects. This is just something additional that she and I want to explore. In fact, it's her willingness to indulge my needs that make me willing to try this to indulge hers. It's only fair, after all. I have my fair share of strange kink. Messing around with another girl isn't something I'd do on my own - even if I had permission - but as something that is just as much a way of bringing pleasure to my partner as it is a way for me to have fun with a new plaything...well, that is different in my book. In a way, it is like we're actually doing something together, even when I'm "doing" someone totally different. Does that sound silly?

Wait a minute, it's "for her" now? Lord, I am confused. This sounds totally different from what I understood from your original posts.

 

[intothewoods]

Most of my drive-by fucking took place decades ago,<snip>

Interesting visual. I hope you wore a seatbelt.

 

[PhillipeJavert]

Wait a minute, it's "for her" now? Lord, I am confused. This sounds totally different from what I understood from your original posts.

It's for both of us. It's something I want to do, and it's something she takes pleasure in. I wouldn't be doing it if both weren't the case.

 

[Adakgirl]

but I should be quick to point out that in no way has she refused to meet my needs. She's been quite accommodating in indulging both my dominant and submissive aspects

Wait a minute, it's "for her" now? Lord, I am confused. This sounds totally different from what I understood from your original posts.

Agreed. That is opposite of of what he said originaly
"

I have some more intense dominant desires (whipping with a belt, pet play, humiliation, etc.) which don't necessarily get indulged in our relationship,

 

[PhillipeJavert]

Agreed. That is opposite of of what he said originaly
"

It's honestly a bit of both. This is something new for me, and I'm still exploring my motivations as well as hers.

 

[Adakgirl]

Yes, well it's best to be honestly, up front about your motivations and the situation in your originally post rather than later on after we have responded to your questions/concerns according to what we were originally led to believe. Good luck in your endeavor.

 

[PhillipeJavert]

Yes, well it's best to be honestly, up front about your motivations and the situation in your originally post rather than later on after we have responded to your questions/concerns according to what we were originally led to believe. Good luck in your endeavor.

I thought I had been honest. They are both reasons. There are some things I'd like to do that she doesn't want to do (though I don't necessarily want to do those things with her) and she also gets off about the prospect of me being with another girl.