Guidance for a wandering soul...?

[Essene]

I can be closed off too. It's a self-preservation thing and I have valid reasons for being that way. I do hand out the key to unlocking me early on though. If he's observant he'll catch it and bypass a lot of steps. If not, he can eventually get there it just won't be as easy. Coming across one of the rare ones will definitely leave a lasting impression.

I'm very much the same way. Respect and honesty go a long way with me.

 

[tickety_tock]

I'm typically pretty forceful and outgoing in a social situation. It's a screen for what I really am inside, painfully shy. I feel a need to entertain people, put them at ease and make them happy so I often take charge if no one else does. I've yet to meet a Dom/me who seemed all that forceful in real life social situations.

However, I am not a "you've got to make me" kind of sub. I want to submit. I have no trouble doing so, for the one I respect and give power over me.

I was hoping that this might come up.

I've always behaved in this seemingly contradictory way. I know that I tend to be outgoing and somewhat "in charge" in my day-to-day life because it pleases people. I often allow myself to be put into leadership roles because others ask me to, volunteer me, or hint that they would rather not do it themselves. I guess that makes me available to be in charge rather than in charge per se.

I think its important to note that intelligent subs who give off a confident air are not necessarily the "conquer me" type. There are many ways of showing one's submissive side that appear to be backward and upside down.

Your subdar skills would have to be pretty well honed to catch me I suspect.

 

[Netzach]

I was hoping that this might come up.

I've always behaved in this seemingly contradictory way. I know that I tend to be outgoing and somewhat "in charge" in my day-to-day life because it pleases people. I often allow myself to be put into leadership roles because others ask me to, volunteer me, or hint that they would rather not do it themselves. I guess that makes me available to be in charge rather than in charge per se.

I think its important to note that intelligent subs who give off a confident air are not necessarily the "conquer me" type. There are many ways of showing one's submissive side that appear to be backward and upside down.

Your subdar skills would have to be pretty well honed to catch me I suspect.

This kind of personality is like an addictive substance to me - I think there's something weird about the scene that equates powerful and feisty/fighting because ....I dunno why. Because Dominants project themelves onto submissives?

 

[intothewoods]

I was hoping that this might come up.

I've always behaved in this seemingly contradictory way. I know that I tend to be outgoing and somewhat "in charge" in my day-to-day life because it pleases people. I often allow myself to be put into leadership roles because others ask me to, volunteer me, or hint that they would rather not do it themselves. I guess that makes me available to be in charge rather than in charge per se.
I think its important to note that intelligent subs who give off a confident air are not necessarily the "conquer me" type. There are many ways of showing one's submissive side that appear to be backward and upside down.

Your subdar skills would have to be pretty well honed to catch me I suspect.

So funny. My PYL said that same thing about me a few months ago. I'm not so much dominant in my life as I am a pleaser. I hate to have people angry at me, besides. But it had never occurred to me until he mentioned it. I find this somewhat embarassing to admit, but in the same way that Marquis, in an other thread, said something to the effect of everything he does is aimed at getting laid, everything I do is probably subconsciously aimed at getting someone to say the adult version of, good girl, itw!

On a sort of related note, the whole SAM (smart-assed masochist) label has always irked me. Just because I'm occasionally a smart ass doesn't mean I play that way or conduct myself that way in my private relationship.

 

[FurryFury]

I was hoping that this might come up.

I've always behaved in this seemingly contradictory way. I know that I tend to be outgoing and somewhat "in charge" in my day-to-day life because it pleases people. I often allow myself to be put into leadership roles because others ask me to, volunteer me, or hint that they would rather not do it themselves. I guess that makes me available to be in charge rather than in charge per se.

I think its important to note that intelligent subs who give off a confident air are not necessarily the "conquer me" type. There are many ways of showing one's submissive side that appear to be backward and upside down.

Your subdar skills would have to be pretty well honed to catch me I suspect.

We seem to be two peas in a pod!

 

[FurryFury]

So funny. My PYL said that same thing about me a few months ago. I'm not so much dominant in my life as I am a pleaser. I hate to have people angry at me, besides. But it had never occurred to me until he mentioned it. I find this somewhat embarassing to admit, but in the same way that Marquis, in an other thread, said something to the effect of everything he does is aimed at getting laid, everything I do is probably subconsciously aimed at getting someone to say the adult version of, good girl, itw!

On a sort of related note, the whole SAM (smart-assed masochist) label has always irked me. Just because I'm occasionally a smart ass doesn't mean I play that way or conduct myself that way in my private relationship.

Three!

 

[tickety_tock]

everything I do is probably subconsciously aimed at getting someone to say the adult version of, good girl, itw!

Yes! This is definitely my case. That's part of why I'm still in school I think. Even if I'm a Ph.D. student I still want a gold star on my work.

I'm all giggly.

I like being in a pod.

 

[FurryFury]

Yes! This is definitely my case. That's part of why I'm still in school I think. Even if I'm a Ph.D. student I still want a gold star on my work.

I'm all giggly.

I like being in a pod.

It's cozy in't?

 

[Tebazile]

I think I need help figuring some things out. Some experienced perspective would be incredibly welcome!

Ok, I’m 22 and not sexually active (haha, lame right? But it’s for moral reasons, not lack of offers... ) but I am VERY interested in BDSM. First of all, is that even possible, or am I fooling myself? Is it reasonable to be bored by a vanilla relationship, before I’ve been in one?

And my wants/needs seem to be at odds with themselves. I have a very strong/cynical/overpowering personality. I’m always the one making sure people do things right, and have an uncanny ability to get my way. But the thought of dominating some poor submissive man in the bedroom (or wherever) sounds entirely unappealing. I don’t understand this internal contradiction.

What REALLY makes me hot is the thought of being tied and gagged and beaten and bossed around and completely ravaged. Yet because of my independent, powerful personality, I attract simpering little boys who, quite frankly, disgust me. And the “manly” men are not attracted to me because they’re intimidated. (Their words, not mine). Are there certain everyday personality traits that Doms (in general) would find intriguing? Are there ways I could spot Dom-types out in the wide world? Or am I a lost cause?

Sooo, I feel like I’m at an impasse. Can anyone help me shed some light on this? I don’t feel like I can sort this out on my own. Thank you, thank you!

You and I should be friends!

I am the EXACT same way. I am a bitch. Even my closest friends would tell you that. I'm sarcastic to a fault, and I've never, ever had a problem saying what's on my mind. I dislike people in authority positions, and generally feel like I could do a better job leading than anyone else.

But I very much a submissive. I am extremely uncomfortable trying to Dom. I dated a girl once who was into that, and honestly, that's one of the reasons we broke up. I get no pleasure whatsoever in being in control over someone else, sexually. Let me be their boss in the workplace, or in a group or something, and I'm all for it! But please, in the bedroom, let me be a slave.

 

[chris9]

I'm a strong person. I'm independent, I'm at the beginning of what I hope to become an interesting career, I do what I want. I don't need no man. ;-)

This strength I keep in bed. Hurt me, and do it again. Challenge me not to move and I'll do my damn best to stay still.

Yes, he needs to have my respect for me to let him even know that this is what I want. And he has to respect me as the person I am. Besides, there are those who say that dominating someone strong is much more satisfying ;-)


I do not want to be conquered, though. Well, in a way, yes I do. But I want to be conquered by someone whom I want to conquer me. Not by someone who decides that I'm perfect for him, no matter what I want. This line of thought is fairly new and still under construction, so sorry if it makes no sense.

 

[tickety_tock]

It's cozy in't?

Why yes! It certainly is!

 

[EmpressFi]

everything I do is probably subconsciously aimed at getting someone to say the adult version of, good girl, itw!

On a sort of related note, the whole SAM (smart-assed masochist) label has always irked me. Just because I'm occasionally a smart ass doesn't mean I play that way or conduct myself that way in my private relationship.

I like both of those... until I read it, I didnt realize I was the same way. I just want everyone to like me.. and I hate confrontation where I might make someone not like me..

and I'm also the occasional smart ass..but I do it usually to garner a laugh..not to manipulate or anything...

 

[CheekyBoots]

But just know that when you find that person, that brilliant, wicked, dominant man who's always three steps ahead of you, no matter how hard you try, you're going to fall and fall hard. It's something akin to jumping off a 100-story building and actually living through the experience.

Dear lord, sign me up for that! And it's amazing to see how many of "me" are out there! Not that I thought I was some one-of-a-kind mutant, but I've never known anyone who could relate to my perspective. And now, BAM! I'm not alone anymore! Haha! And it's especially helpful that you (and everyone else posting) are so succinct; I could never express these things so clearly! Thank you, thank you!!!

 

[CheekyBoots]

Hmm well...

I can be very closed off, but there has been a time or two when I've come across the brilliant quiet Dom types. You can't see it in me normally, but I tend to lose my cool around this intense sort. I do get fumbly and wide eyed, although it's definitely not often, but oh my my my...

It's a rare type of human being I long for. Once you come across one, you'll know it. Like gasping for air when he looks at you. Whew. Few people can throw me off my game.

OMG, that is SO true! There's really only been one guy that I've fallen for (who rejected me for my sister...grrr), and no matter how 'normal' I tried to act around him, I just couldn't help but get all tongue-tied and weak in the knees. I'm super comfortable around guys, even the ones I'm 'interested' in, so it freaked me out when all of a sudden I couldn't speak, couldn't think. My brain turned of, and... other areas... turned on. But I never looked at it as 'meeting my match;' I always blamed it on caffeine or something. Hmmm, I need to pay more attention to my life. Thanks for all your wonderful input!

 

[CheekyBoots]

I got a lot more fancy words you know, however, those you will have to work for.

When you meet DB, I will hold you to this. No backing out now, web contracts are legally binding in the state of California.

Good lord, WHAT have I gotten myself into?!

 

[CheekyBoots]

I do not want to be conquered, though. Well, in a way, yes I do. But I want to be conquered by someone whom I want to conquer me. Not by someone who decides that I'm perfect for him, no matter what I want. This line of thought is fairly new and still under construction, so sorry if it makes no sense.

Wow, that is exactly what I've been wanting to say, but utterly failing! Thank you for out-articulating me!

 

[CheekyBoots]

You and I should be friends!

I am the EXACT same way. I am a bitch. Even my closest friends would tell you that. I'm sarcastic to a fault, and I've never, ever had a problem saying what's on my mind. I dislike people in authority positions, and generally feel like I could do a better job leading than anyone else.

But I very much a submissive. I am extremely uncomfortable trying to Dom. I dated a girl once who was into that, and honestly, that's one of the reasons we broke up. I get no pleasure whatsoever in being in control over someone else, sexually. Let me be their boss in the workplace, or in a group or something, and I'm all for it! But please, in the bedroom, let me be a slave.

Whoa, I don't know if we can be friends... because it appears we are the same person... Haha! But seriously, I'm so very thrilled to hear that; I LOVE bossing people around in public (in an endearing way, of course ) but sexually, it's a complete turn off. Just tie me up and go for it!

 

[rida]

May I join in the pod?

....
I've always behaved in this seemingly contradictory way. I know that I tend to be outgoing and somewhat "in charge" in my day-to-day life because it pleases people. I often allow myself to be put into leadership roles because others ask me to, volunteer me, or hint that they would rather not do it themselves. I guess that makes me available to be in charge rather than in charge per se.
......

And I do a damn good job when in charge ...

.....
I'm not so much dominant in my life as I am a pleaser. I hate to have people angry at me, besides. But it had never occurred to me until he mentioned it. I find this somewhat embarassing to admit, but in the same way that Marquis, in an other thread, said something to the effect of everything he does is aimed at getting laid, everything I do is probably subconsciously aimed at getting someone to say the adult version of, good girl, itw!
.....

That is the core of my submissive nature: I want to please. I want to feel that the other person is pleased with me. I hate to disappoint. I'll do my damn best to make sure you are pleased. And if you praise me ... there is nothing you won't get.



As many other have said already, I am strong. I am smart and a smart ass too. I do not need to be conquered, but I need to feel something (intrigued, intimidated, eager, fascinated, attracted).
Many of the things that YC described as setting off his subdar, are not normal behavior for me. But I notice that in the presence of a Domly personality, they will somehow came out: it is as if his Dom vibes sets off my sub scent.
Still it does not mean I'll submit to every Dom that crosses my path.

 

[FurryFury]

May I join in the pod?




And I do a damn good job when in charge ...



That is the core of my submissive nature: I want to please. I want to feel that the other person is pleased with me. I hate to disappoint. I'll do my damn best to make sure you are pleased. And if you praise me ... there is nothing you won't get.



As many other have said already, I am strong. I am smart and a smart ass too. I do not need to be conquered, but I need to feel something (intrigued, intimidated, eager, fascinated, attracted).
Many of the things that YC described as setting off his subdar, are not normal behavior for me. But I notice that in the presence of a Domly personality, they will somehow came out: it is as if his Dom vibes sets off my sub scent.
Still it does not mean I'll submit to every Dom that crosses my path.

Yes, of course you can!

 

[Tebazile]

Whoa, I don't know if we can be friends... because it appears we are the same person... Haha! But seriously, I'm so very thrilled to hear that; I LOVE bossing people around in public (in an endearing way, of course ) but sexually, it's a complete turn off. Just tie me up and go for it!

We should start a club or something!

 

[otter09]

Just trust your heart

Cheeky just trust in yourself and you will be fine we can only make ourselves happy so trust in your heart dear

 

[CheekyBoots]

We should start a club or something!

Seriously! Haha, there's this one bad habit of mine that I've been hooked on for EVER, but just realized I do it in the last few months. I seem to have an uncanny ability to get guys (nice guys, even, that I barely know) to slap me hard across the face on a regular basis, and in everyday social settings. It's WONDERFUL! I amp up the sassy factor, push their the psychological buttons they never knew they had, then kerCHOW! Slap time! Sometimes I have to slap first, but they always slap harder.

I don't know what part is best, bossing them around, or that sweet burn on my face. I also love knowing I got them to do something they never would have dreamed of, right in front their friends/family (twice at church), but I also love being 'disciplined' for my cheeky behavior. So what am I? Anyway, it makes me all warm and fuzzy when I see some 'nice' guy's face light up, like he's discovering a side of him he didn't know existed. Yay!

So yeah, glad I'm not alone in the whole socially dominant/sexually submissive deal.

 

[naxalite0906]

CB... welcome to lit. It is always a pleasure to see another person on here with lots of personality (and I mean that in a good way). I don't have much advice to give, as everyone else seems to be doing such a good job, but I would say one thing. Embrace who you are, and learn as much as you can about it whenever you can. The way you feel makes you very special, so please never forget that. (Obviously don't let this make you too big headed tho! ) I would encourage as much chatting as you can though, meeting others and talking about how you feel with other subs, and Tops too. As far as I am concerned, there is always room for improvement. Maybe search out a Dom to help you learn more, but obviously make sure it is what you want.

On a side note, can Dom's be pleasers too (I think it was ITW that said that they were a pleaser). I would always consider myself the silent type as a Dom, but it doesn't mean that I can not be sarcastic, or mentally controlling, or enjoy a good wrestle! lol.

 

[Essene]

CB... welcome to lit. It is always a pleasure to see another person on here with lots of personality (and I mean that in a good way). I don't have much advice to give, as everyone else seems to be doing such a good job, but I would say one thing. Embrace who you are, and learn as much as you can about it whenever you can. The way you feel makes you very special, so please never forget that. (Obviously don't let this make you too big headed tho! ) I would encourage as much chatting as you can though, meeting others and talking about how you feel with other subs, and Tops too. As far as I am concerned, there is always room for improvement. Maybe search out a Dom to help you learn more, but obviously make sure it is what you want.

On a side note, can Dom's be pleasers too (I think it was ITW that said that they were a pleaser). I would always consider myself the silent type as a Dom, but it doesn't mean that I can not be sarcastic, or mentally controlling, or enjoy a good wrestle! lol.

I for one can vouch that he's quiet, stealthy, sarcastic and overall cheeky.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi CheekyBoots,

I've been watching this thread progress and trying to decide exactly what my position is. The comments here have given me a lot to think about.

Sometimes I think that people must be able to see that I'm a sub from miles away. I hate confrontation, I have always been a people pleaser and a sucker for praise. I spent years being the friend that everyone always knew would bend over backwards to help if they needed it and it hasn't always been an equal partnership. The sub facets of my personality have sometimes lead to me being taken advantage of, passed over of otherwise getting the ass end of a deal.

I spent a long time feeling pissed off because I was always the one who got taken for a sap and was thought of as naive. I'm neither of those things but I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt and err on the side of generosity. My sub personality inclines me towards service more often than it should.

Now I'm a little older and wiser, I have started to be more assertive. I'm more likely to fight my corner if I think that something's unfair rather than tell myself 'it doesn't matter.' I do matter. I matter as much as everyone else does. This sounds like a really basic thing to realise but I always used to feel guilty if I did well out of something and someone else didn't or whatever. It was a self esteem thing too and took a while to figure out. The point of this meandering ramble is that a couple of years ago I would have said that YC's subdar would have flown off the chart with me.

Now, it's not the case so much. I no longer take responsibility for other people's problems or mistakes. I don't allow myself to be put upon because 'if I don't do it, nobody will.' I'm more forthright and outspoken and if I feel passionate enough about something, I will stand and argue my case. I pick my battles but if I'm outraged enough to put myself through confrontation, you better believe I'll see it through until I'm satisfied.

It's partly self worth, maturing and realising that even if I don't achieve all I set out to do, my self esteem shouldn't hang on it.

The biggest influence though, has been Master. He used to get so pissed off when he saw me putting myself out for people who weren't always there when I needed them. It irked him that he knew me to be intelligent, articulate and fairly sensible and yet I kept repeating the pattern. It took a while before I saw how much it affected him. I guess that some of his alpha attitude has rubbed off because I watch him stomp through life daring anyone to cross him and sometimes I'm so jealous of how effortless he makes it look. He is not the kind of person who anyone would even consider taking for a shmuck and I'd love to have that kind of presence where nobody even attempts to fuck you around. It'd save a lot of hassle.

So I've now reached what I consider to be a happy medium. Master naturally has the right to whatever he wants. I have a small circle of close friends and if they need me, I am always there but I know without question that it operates both ways. Aside from that, I will go out of my way to make people feel comfortable and so on because I hate feeling awkward myself but when it comes to favours or whatever I'm much more cautious. I believe firmly in treating others well and helping out where I can but I'm not going to run myself ragged over it or carry other people's issues around. I used to take everybody's woes to heart and it's impossible.

Anyway, I know this has been a mammoth post but I've been thinking about this a lot since this thread popped up. I'm still not sure exactly where I'm at. Sometimes I slip back into old habits but other days I surprise myself by how assertive and outspoken I've been. Where I settle along this spectrum for the future remains to be seen.

Thankyou for posting such an interesting thought CB and also for wading through my post (assuming you made it this far)