Help for a new Sub

[FurryFury]

Feeling is most certainly mutual
If I remember correctly, you like roses?
Little something for you......

Wow!

Yes I do!

Thank you so much they are beautiful and animated too! *Does a happy dance.*

*hugs*

Fury

https://a248.e.akamai.net/7/248/497/0001/www.proflowers.com/prodimg/MSOswthrtrose_l.jpg

((Must study how to put pics in these posts again! *grr* I'm bad.))

 

[chris9]

Okay some new info:
She is not topping from the bottom, she is anemic, which was why she wasn't and still isn't feeling well, and he has been told of that.
She does not have a safe word, he thinks they are a "Waste of time"
A similar scene happened tonight, with him also punishing her for behaving 'inappropriately' last night.
I doubt I'll be able to talk to him, apparently he doesn't like me (although he's never met me).

First: If she talks a bit about you it is quite normal that he doesn't like you though he has never met you, some people tend to be so with the other-gender friends of their partners.

I feel even worse for her now. I just read what others in healthy and long-term D/s relationships wrote and see the point. But first, in a relationship that's so unlike Sinn's, where it is a trial and she doesn't seem to know what she wants either in or out of D/s in the relationship and maybe (I sure don't know) hasn't put those past abusive relationships behind her, safe words are most definitly not a "Waste of time", but highly important to her safety. Especially since she is not on the top of health. If he doesn't know her very well and doesn't know what she can handle while feeling bad due to this, she has to pay this attention to her body. And if she can't stop the action then, she might get hurt.

The red flag waving at me is actually getting bigger and bigger reading that he didn't in a way "make up" with her, explain why the first night happened, communicated about why he had to do what he did, why she reacted like she did and what he expects of her before doing the same thing again.
In Shadowsdream's thread about cold eyes people kept saying that it is very important to them to accept punishment and then feel close again, getting rid of the issues that caused the cold treatment they got.
So, he isn't communicating with her, he isn't helping her to see why he expects her submission in the way he does, there seems to be a huge problem in the relationship. Not communicating is the death of EVERY relationship.
Even if we only know her side and that told us through a third, there are some heavy alarms going. And even if he is doing everything for the best, trying to teach her, show her what he would expect from her in a long-term relationship, she doesn't seem happy. If she wants to communicate (for me not a *want* but a *must* in any relationship) and he doesn't, if she doesn't feel up to anything due to her sickness and he expects it, then they might not be compatable. This is not to say he is a bad man (though he certainly sounds like one, but as we don't know his side of the story, judging him is out of question), just that he isn't the right one for her.

 

[Aeroil]

Is this bitch retarded?

Tell her to get her brother to fuck this dude up, then take some time to get her shit straight before getting in over her ahead again.

Marquis, I will ask you once to watch your tongue please.

 

[Aeroil]

The poor thing is probably one of those shy girls unsure of themselves, tending to let almost anyone persuade them into anything. Sort that can never say no.
I meet lot of that kind in erotic clubs here, they are just born victims. Passive and sugestible to the nauseating point without an idea what are they getting themselves into, and then is usually too late to get out of the jam.

I should say she needs a change of attitude or she may escape this brute just to fall in hands of next one.

Yes I am thinking perhaps that is the case, which is a lot of why I want to help her but it's not exactly easy.

And I don't wanna quote whoever said why he doesn't like me or made the comment on it (it's late) so I'll just say that apparently he doesn't like me because he wants to be the one to teach her some things, and I've been telling her some small things myself. (Nothing big, very basic and general)

 

[Marquis]

Marquis, I will ask you once to watch your tongue please.

I beg your pardon Sir, I did not realize this female was under your protection. Allow me to rephrase:

Does this particular female have a history of poor judgment?

I would suggest she encourage a family member of hers to accost this gentleman, then perhaps some reflective time would be helpful to better prepare herself for the next man who will assume control of her will..

 

[h_i_s]

emails Marquis a handheld mirror from the local dollar store, (while lhao) to better enable himself to moniter his tongue a bit

If the facts supplied through Aeroil are representative of the truth regarding his sub friend and her Dom, i find Marquis' thoughts to be well meaning, straight to the point, and good advice.

Perhaps that Dom does not like Aeroil and his involvement with the Dom's sub because:

• He's not at all appreciative of a member of the opposite sex being quite friendly, and trusted by this sub of his, and possibly due to his own insecurities, and/or his lack of trust in his sub, has decided he doesn't care for Aeroil's involvement.
• The Dom would prefere to keep her shielded from any well meaning advice being offered from another who is knowledgeable in regard to what a healthy D/s relationship involves, as well as what it does not involve, & has decided he doesn't care for Aeroil's involvement.
• Or, as already stated, the Dom's ears have been filled with a bit of information which could have given him an image of Aeroil being a meddlesome type, or worse, & for that reason has decided he doesn't care for Aeroil's involvement.

i can't decide which version i liked best though, Marquis' first choice of wording, or his second, rephrased version. i AM leaning toward the first, though. ... and, i'd have suggested that when the brother goes to 'fuck up' that Dom, he bring his biggest baddest strap on with him, too .... Oh! .. and DON'T give him a safe word ... AND, if he cries at all, yell at him to just stfu and take it.

 

[Seduce]

The Dom would prefere to keep her shielded from any well meaning advice being offered from another who is knowledgeable in regard to what a healthy D/s relationship involves, as well as what it does not involve, & has decided he doesn't care for Aeroil's involvement.

I would bet my 2-years sallary on that one.

 

[Seduce]

Wow!

Yes I do!

Thank you so much they are beautiful and animated too! *Does a happy dance.*

*hugs*

Fury

https://a248.e.akamai.net/7/248/497/0001/www.proflowers.com/prodimg/MSOswthrtrose_l.jpg

((Must study how to put pics in these posts again! *grr* I'm bad.))

In the post or out of the post....... they are lovely.
Thank you sweetest one

 

[Kajira Callista]

Okay some new info:
She is not topping from the bottom, she is anemic, which was why she wasn't and still isn't feeling well, and he has been told of that.
She does not have a safe word, he thinks they are a "Waste of time"
A similar scene happened tonight, with him also punishing her for behaving 'inappropriately' last night.
I doubt I'll be able to talk to him, apparently he doesn't like me (although he's never met me).

well, a sure fire safe word for one who thinks they are a waste of time is 911.
I hate to sound mean, but something about this whole story and its changes seems odd to me.

 

[Marquis]

I would bet my 2-years sallary on that one.

And you'd make good money on your wager.

 

[Seduce]

And you'd make good money on your wager.

I know.
I never lost a bet in my life.

 

[kayte]

And no it's not me, it's a friend who wishes to stay anomyous. She's very new to D/s, and she has been seeing a dom whose been showing her some things, but from some of the descriptions she's been giving me sound very disconcerning, (and yes she is reading the thread). Today, she described how she was not feeling well, and requested that they not do anything. Apparently his responce was to yell at her until she cried, then pick her up anyway, where she again requested not to have a session, which was ignored. Afterwards, he dropped her back off, and drove off without a word, so she's now pretty upset.

*ahem* the question is, is this acceptable behavior? it doesn't sound like it is to me, but I really don't wanna go around giving out relationship advice.

No it isn't!!

That is the sound of a "wanna be". Any Dom/sub relationship is based on respect. Doesn't sound like there is any there.

 

[Aeroil]

well, a sure fire safe word for one who thinks they are a waste of time is 911.
I hate to sound mean, but something about this whole story and its changes seems odd to me.

hehehe, yeah, I've just been told that he apologized to her.
I'm gonna keep an eye on her for sure either way though, thanks for the help so far everyone .

 

[LunarKitten]

LOL, I wish I were that good but I often need reminding of what it is I want when I am not feeling 100%. I do not advocate it for all, or for many in fact, but we may be doing a disservice in that this may have been made clear in the beginning and agreed upon.....I have known of more than one time it has happened this way and then the submissive has had a bad day and declared they did not realise the Dominant was serious when they agreed to those terms and they should be able to decide if and when and to what they submit....and it is equally possible we are doing the submissive a disservice as we still do not have all the facts (reminds me of another thread which took on this life with part of the story and no offer to expand, but asking advice....it is difficult as it makes everyone have to guess and assume which most of us do not like doing). Why do we let ourselves get drawn into these type situations?

Anyway, like you say, if you are not happy (seriously and not whimsical on a particular day) you get out which is why I mentioned in my first post that she needs to decide if she feels safe and this is acceptable behaviour to her and act accordingly. That really is the bottom line because no matter what was agreed upon, what was understood or not, this does not sound like a TPE relationship and thus leaves the door open to moving on with no need to feel guilty.

Catalina

When Master and I agree on a new rule, we put it in writing and sign at the bottom. That way there is no question exactly what the rule is and that we both understand it will be implemented from that time onward.

As to the subject at hand, I agree there is not enough information to make a sound judgement decision. My advice would be for her to contact the Dom and explain what she was feeling before, during and after the session. If this scenario had not been previously discussed (ie, pushing of limits and use of a safe word), then I would discuss it now and set parameters and limits. Communication is the key to any good relationship. Asking for advice is fine, and it's commendable that a friend wants to keep an eye out for a newbie (believe me, I greatly believe in newbies - both PYL and pyl - having someone to take them under their wings and keep an eye out for their safety) and their safety in relationships. But it comes down to the newbie learning to negotation a relationship as well as a scene. And this might have been something they didn't think to discuss together when negotating the relationship - I know Master and I have run into several landmines with me concerning my abusive childhood which surprised me when we realized what the core issues were. Sometimes you just don't realize something is a limit until that line has been crossed. When that happens, you need to both step back from each other and discuss what has happened as equals, and then set the limits for future scenes.

Just my 2 dinars on the matter.

 

[LunarKitten]

Okay some new info:
She is not topping from the bottom, she is anemic, which was why she wasn't and still isn't feeling well, and he has been told of that.
She does not have a safe word, he thinks they are a "Waste of time"
A similar scene happened tonight, with him also punishing her for behaving 'inappropriately' last night.
I doubt I'll be able to talk to him, apparently he doesn't like me (although he's never met me).

If someone ignores the health of the bottom for a scene, they are not a Dom. I would tell her to let him know, in absolutely no uncertain terms, that the area they are going towards is not working for her at all and if he doesn't think they can effectively communicate with each other to negotate something tamer and safer for her that he needs to not let the door hit him when he leaves.

<--does not like people who pretend they are PYLs to get their kicks and/or use it as an excuse to abuse people

 

[LunarKitten]

emails Marquis a handheld mirror from the local dollar store, (while lhao) to better enable himself to moniter his tongue a bit

If the facts supplied through Aeroil are representative of the truth regarding his sub friend and her Dom, i find Marquis' thoughts to be well meaning, straight to the point, and good advice.

Perhaps that Dom does not like Aeroil and his involvement with the Dom's sub because:

• He's not at all appreciative of a member of the opposite sex being quite friendly, and trusted by this sub of his, and possibly due to his own insecurities, and/or his lack of trust in his sub, has decided he doesn't care for Aeroil's involvement.
• The Dom would prefere to keep her shielded from any well meaning advice being offered from another who is knowledgeable in regard to what a healthy D/s relationship involves, as well as what it does not involve, & has decided he doesn't care for Aeroil's involvement.
• Or, as already stated, the Dom's ears have been filled with a bit of information which could have given him an image of Aeroil being a meddlesome type, or worse, & for that reason has decided he doesn't care for Aeroil's involvement.

i can't decide which version i liked best though, Marquis' first choice of wording, or his second, rephrased version. i AM leaning toward the first, though. ... and, i'd have suggested that when the brother goes to 'fuck up' that Dom, he bring his biggest baddest strap on with him, too .... Oh! .. and DON'T give him a safe word ... AND, if he cries at all, yell at him to just stfu and take it.

There are also those "Doms" who forbid contact with anyone in the lifestyle for fear their pyl will discover the truth about their not knowing what they're doing There are several different subtypes for this level of person: 1) they are too proud to ask anyone in the community for guidance or tutorial; 2) they are using BDSM as an excuse to get laid and aren't really interested in learning how to correctly proceed within the confines of a relationship; 3) those who are insecure and think they aren't "doing it right" and afraid if their pyl finds out they will leave them for someone else. I'm sure there are many other subtypes, but those are all I can think of at the moment.

 

[h_i_s]

Yes... i am aware of the many types. And of course it would be a nice & perfect world if ALL were a bit more aware. That type is not exactly limited to D/s relationships.......