Help Me Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[It'sasecret]

We have masterbated in front of each other and still do occasionally. I would not even if mind if the quanity of sex did not improve, if the quality did. (then again if it got better I might just want it more!) I just wish he would spend more time touching me. kissing me etc....
Thanks

 

[Son of a Sailor]

I concur fully. Punishment is not the answer ( unless it is for mutual satisfaction and between conseenting adults ). Go with the manipulation option, you need to find out what pushes his buttons and use it to make him push yours. Far be it from me to tell a woman how to manipulate a guy. You lot have some kind of innate instinct for that which we guys just aren't privvy to. Think of him as a challenge.

 

[His Whimsicality]

Yes, I have to agree that punish sounds a little bit to harsh, but I meant it differently and not in a sexual way like Son of a Sailor implied. But still, as far as I know, you´ve tried it by being nice and it didn´t work, and he seems to be a little bit of a 'jerk', so I´d probably be shortly before exploding in your case.

 

[It'sasecret]

And things are just getting worse....... We still have not really spoken since that nasty comment he made to me. Resentment has just been building. Last night he said "I did not mean I don't want to be married to you", so I said " but I guess since we are now married you no longer have to do nice things for me" It really did not go anywhere from there, as I had to go to work. He was asleep by the time I crawled into bed, but after awhile he got out and slept on the couch. I don't know if he had not reliezed I was in bed ealier or what made him get out after I had been in there but he did... That felt really bad. I mean we have our share of arguements, but for him to not sleep with me really hurt. He did not even say goodbye when he left for work in the morning. Even when we are angry with each other we don't act this way so I don't know what is going on. I am hoping there is a good reason for him getting out of bed, I guess I will find out when he gets home. Thanks to all who are listening to me ramble.

 

[His Whimsicality]

No prob, I´ll just ramble back, but currently I´m out of ideas. Perhaps tell him straight away how you feel about the whole affair? Some sort of climax is needed, things can´t continue this way.

 

[Mickie]

It sounds to me like both of you have hurt feelings. It might not be a bad idea to schedule a time for discussion. REAL discussion about feelings, not just sex. Most therapists will tell you that honest communication can help most problems if the people involved care about each other. Drop the manipulation and the games. This is marriage, not a teen-age "We're going steady now" thing. It's time to both be adults about it. If he isn't acting adult, then you have to.

Communication 101 teaches -- when you talk, do not accuse. State feelings. IE -- "When this happens, I feel this way." NOT -- "You don't want to have sex so you don't love me." Allow him a chance to say the same kinds of things. Encourage him to tell you how he feels. Chances are there are other things that bother both of you, and it would be a good idea to get it into the open.

The one thing I do know is that I feel bad when my wife complains about our sex life. Like I'm not... um... worthy. Then, of course, I get defensive and either do not communicate at all or get accusitory. I have to force myself not to take offense, and she helps by not hitting me with sarcastic remarks and telling me she loves me anyway, but things could change for the better for both of us. (After sixteen years, I found out she was right.) We still argue and hurt each other, but we both try to keep communication lines open after the initial hurt fades a bit.

Try asking him if he's willing to work on both of you feeling better about your sex lives. See if he WANTS to change. If he doesn't, then you're going to have to 1) change your own perceptions and accept his limits or 2)walk away and find another partner. If he's willing to work with you, then you have a LOT of options.

The bottom line is communication. It has to be honest and not accusing or you're closing the lines of communication. Seriously, this can help or end the relationship, so treat it with the kind of care you use when dealing with a hurt child.

Mickie

 

[mmactionmn]

Hey all. I'm new here, but read this and found it quite interesting to say the least. IAS....I think you're being a great wife by trying to be patient, but with some of your explanations, I'm guessing that your hubby is interpreting your actions differently than what you're trying to communicate. For example, the picture you printed of the from the website....did you just hand it to him, or did you explain that you want to dress like that, pose like that, etc. If you didn't give the explanation to him, he may have felt "guilty" about it vs. reading your advance. Have you seen the Movie Philadelphia w/ Tom Hanks & Denzel Washington. Like Denzel says, "eplain it to me like I'm a 4 year old". When it comes to men (sorry guys), in most cases we are much less intuitive than women are, so we need to be hit on the head sometimes to get the point.
I also can be a person to masturbate too much. This will not make sex feel very good with someone else if the masturbation occurs too often. I hate to sound like some sort of stuck up broken record, but I think HE needs a therapist for the sexual issues, and you should be in there about half the time so you can commuicate to him, and he will understand that he'll lose his wife if he can't meet her needs. Enough rambling......

mm"action"mn

 

[mmactionmn]

sorry about the frown at the beggining.

Mickie, you're right on man.

...and I'm really NOT a virgin, so how do I make it turn that off?

action

 

[cymbidia]

...and I'm really NOT a virgin, so how do I make it turn that off?

~laughing~
Your being tagged a "Virgin" is a function of the number of Lit posts you've made.

After some number - 30? 35? - something in that area, i think, (where are you, WH???) it automatically changes to Experienced.
After 100 (or so) you go to Very Experienced, and then to something else... eventually, at 1000 posts, you get to make up your own title.

Here at Lit, we all start off as virgins ... just like rl, hmmm?

 

[Son of a Sailor]

Wow! I'm a born again virgin? I didn't know I could lose it as many times as I like.

 

[Expat]

You have a serious dud

I can see this developing into a serious problem like with me and my wife. I'd recommend threatening him IF ALL ELSE FAILS.

Let him know that if he's not willing to try, you'll find someone who will. After 7 years of the boring missionary style, I've decided to take it where I can.

 

[It'sasecret]

Hello everyone, thanks so much for all the great advice.Gee its been a few day since I could get on, so a lot of you wrote! You are right HW a climax is needed in more ways then one! Well, we solved one issue. We finally talked about the nasty comment he had made. I knew he did not mean it they way it came out, but it still really stung hearing him say it. Now, the sex is still an issue. We did actually have really great make up sex, after we dicussed the fight. But, that was one time. Today I tried dicussing the porn sites he goes to online but he closed up and was too embarresed and refused to talk about it. MMaction what you had said about me printing up the picture was dead on. I was trying to explain it when I posted it. It was kinda MY fault that time b/c of they way I handed him the picture. And Mickie--- great advice. We have always been really "Good fighters" actually. We never accuse or name call etc... we always just stick to the topic and not bring up the past. I think I am going to try and be more forceful with him... I don't know. In the past when I try to get him to try things it is usually a dicussion outside of the bedroom, but maybe I will bring things up in the middle of sex. Expat and Mickie I would love to hear what happened with our wives (good bad??) since you both have seemed to have similar problem. Thank you everyone!

 

[Dhyana]

Computer bumped me off last time - lets try this again.
I had your problem Exactly, except I'd been married for eleven years. I Had to write in to tell you - there is a whole World of wonderful, receptive, loving, caring, communicative love/sex partners that truly appreciate the gifts you have to give!

There is no reason (after you've spent several years of trying to "fix it", which it sounds like you have), to suffer because you have a normal, or slightly above average ability with sex and a husband that doesn't appreciate it.
There is someone for everyone, sexually too. After years of my husband telling me that I was abnormal, oversexed, etc., I do now know (after 2 years of exquisite sex without him), that the problem was just incompatibility.
I'm sure he'll find someone (someday) that wants "straight sex",
nothing fancy or emotional, just like him.
In the mean time, I'm free to experience this amazing sexual peak I've found myself in!

You didn't say how old you were - I'm 30, and really, for a woman to spend her 30s in a sexual relationship like that is just a sin!
Tell your husband you don't want to! Being able to enjoy your sexuality is such a joy - it's indescribable after so many years of feeling awkward about my desires and abilities.
Being in a relationship where my special talents are cherished and loved is amazing. It has helped every other part of my life.

My husband and I still get along really well - he's a great guy in many ways - just not for me to be married to.
We joke and he's amazed at the difference in me from when we were married. (Of course now it makes him really hot.)
Something in me just got let loose... it sounds like you're needing to do that too. I really hope your husband can be a part of what you're looking for.

Ideally, we'd all choose our mates wisely and our needs would never change - ideally our mates would love and care for us enough to change with us - but sometimes it just doesn't happen.
Let your husband know that marriages really do break up over things like this - this is a serious issue - there's always more than one reason for a marriage to break up, but sexual witholding is a big one, or at least a popular symptom.
It sucks, but a good marriage really does take two people that want it.

Good luck, but remember - You Can have a wonderful sex life after a lousy marriage.
I'm living proof!

 

[Guest]

Expat and Mickie I would love to hear what happened with our wives (good bad??) since you both have seemed to have similar problem. Thank you everyone!

I'm glad to hear you talked about the comment he made. You're right, you might want to bring up sex when he's feeling sexual, in bed and very privately. If he's embarrassed about the subject, perhaps a more intimate discussion (even in the dark!) might lead to a better understanding.

Everyone has some subjects they feel a bit ... squirmy ... in discussing. Give his feelings respect and tell him you know he doesn't really want to discuss it, but that it's very important to you.

My wife is a survivor of childhood rape. It's a very convoluted and hurtful road to recovery for her, and sex is/was a difficult subject to talk about with her. It took a long time (years) before she would actually talk to me about it. But, because I love her, not because of the sex, but because of who she is, I focused for a long time on other things. After the birth of our second child, she became withdrawn and even mean. I suppose you'd call it post-partum depression. She was also drinking far too much. This lead to a huge change in both of our lives. We HAD to talk then, or our relationship would have ended in a way that would have hurt the entire family. Sex was part of that discussion.

We still have problems. Nothing is ever perfect, believe me, but the good far outweighs the bad. Most of all, I LISTEN to her when she talks, mainly because she talks so little about it. Even if it hurts me, I listen. I don't think about what I'm going to say in answer while she's talking, and sometimes an answer isn't even appropriate. Sometimes I need to comfort.

Acceptance is the thing that changed her ability to talk to me. At least, that's what she says it is. My acceptance of her as she is, rather than my attempts to change her. Sex is not the entirety of marriage. It is an expression of the love within the marriage, and it isn't the ONLY expression. There are a lot more reasons to be together than sexual compatibility.

However, that doesn't mean you can't try to make your sex life the best it can be.

One of the things you might be aware of is your role in bed. Do you ask him to do things in a straightforward and respectful manner? Do you ask him if he would like you to do things? Talking in bed about sex can be just as daunting if you're merely talking. You might as well get up, put on a pot of coffee and have an intellectual discussion.

I'm not perfect, by any means, but ANY progress is progress. There's no pot at the end of the rainbow, sexually speaking. It won't ever be perfect, but it can be good, and familiar, and comfortable for you. It can even get exciting once in a while. That's what marriage is about, not orgasmic bliss.

So I've rambled. This is an issue a lot of people face, and I guess I wanted to get my opinion in here. Good luck, Itsasecret.

Mickie

 

[Mickie]

That was me!

Sorry, folks, the unregistered guest was me. Long post, and my connection disconnected. Wish I could figure out a way to stop that and still block those damned cookies from my itty bitty computer memory. If I don't, they slow down my system and I'm dumping them once a day. Ugh.

Mick

 

[rambling man]

Contrary to what most people say, sex is one of the most important parts of marriage because it colors everything else you do together.

I was going to suggest that you catch him masturbating and offer to substitute your mouth for his hand and give him a killer bj. I'm sure you've tried that. You could also catcxh him masturbating and just masturbate yourself at the same time, maybe mutual masturbation will break down the door.

By the way, your description of what you wanted from sex made me hard, I cannot imagine a man not wanting sex.

You could always tie him down and make him watch as another man has sex with you passionately, then tell him thats what it is supposed to look like. (Just kidding) The other people's psychoanalysys seems on target withthe repression and all.....unless he has some fantasies he is ashamed to share (not necessarily gay either)

 

[Mickie]

Contrary to what most people say, sex is one of the most important parts of marriage because it colors everything else you do together.

I think you might have it backward, Rambling. Everything else you do together colors your sex life. Sex is only a PART of marriage. There has to be something deeper than sex to keep two people together for an entire lifetime. Sex is merely the expression of that something, or it should be.

Manipulation and coersion are ways to force someone to do and be as you'd like them to be. Honesty is a way to generate a more heartfelt change. Marriage is not a game, much as we'd like to keep it fun and happy.

Be happy that you can't think of a man not wanting to have sex. There are a lot of men and women out there who are repressed, hurt, and angry. When dealing with them, then it's very difficult to explain that sex is supposed to be fun. They might get the idea in a logical sense, but when confronted with it, their fright gets in the way. Fright leads to defensiveness, and manipulation only makes it worse.

Mickie

 

[Dhyana]

Wow, Mick - you just keep getting better and better at this.
You have a lucky wife.
I'm finding the need for a disclaimer on mine -

I didn't leave my husband "because the sex was bad" and I'm not suggesting that you do, itsasecret.

Mick is Exactly right about everything else coloring the sex.
That was certainly true for us.
I left out the hundred bad things about my personal marriage (ugh!) to make a point about feeling good about your own sexuality because I know how bad it feels to be told that what you want is wrong or worse, not important.
I hate the thought of a sexy wife all alone because of a husband that ignores her or doesn't care about her pleasure.
Personal empowerment is a wonderful thing.
It's a very sexy thing too.
For both of you.

-D.

 

[It'sasecret]

Rambling Man did I hear you volunteer to be that man I tie down????????????

 

[THEBRAT]

Mick your 100 % right I'm one of those repressed people. I've got a very understanding Husband we have our ups & downs we've been married for 25 years and sex wasn't all that important to us but the love that we feel for each other is important.

Just come up to ypur hubby and give him a kiss just because you love him like a million ducks (bucks)

Ok I'll get off of my soap box now

 

[rambling man]

mmmm I love to be tied down. Sounds like you have some fun fantasies itsasecret! Wish I could help you explore them!

I say that sex colors your whole marriage because of my own experience. When things go well in bed, you feel closer and less anxious about external problems but tension and problems in bed, or a lack of action period, makes your lives more tense. I also see your point where outside problems can cause bedroom difficulties as well.

Also, I hear lots of people who have marriage problems, they cite other things, but they also have sexual difficulties. From my own personal perspective, during the times when we have better sex, the problems do not seem so bad, when we are not having so much good sex, they seem worse. At that point, usually we just make a conscious decision to have some rip-roaring sex sessions and things seem much better afterwards.

 

[It'sasecret]

I can see where you all coming from on the does sex color the marriage or vis versa. Both seem to have truths. Ramblingman you are definelty right about when sex is good all else seems good. We usually have our best sex when we are really happy and things are going well for us. And are "blah" sex is when life is "blah". I think both things balance each other. Great sex leads to happier lives and happier lives leads to great sex! All that said I still need help on WAKING him up, nothing seems to work.

 

[It'sasecret]

I attempted to get some action today.... He rolled over and went to sleep!!!!!!!!!

 

[Mickie]

I can see where you all coming from on the does sex color the marriage or vis versa. Both seem to have truths. Ramblingman you are definelty right about when sex is good all else seems good. We usually have our best sex when we are really happy and things are going well for us. And are "blah" sex is when life is "blah". I think both things balance each other. Great sex leads to happier lives and happier lives leads to great sex! All that said I still need help on WAKING him up, nothing seems to work.

It's all intertwined. Sex and the rest of your life color each other, I suppose. It sounds, though, as if you're focusing on the sex right now. Perhaps you might want to spend time with him doing something else you both enjoy. Get the both of you smiling and then try to initiate sex.

My wife works nights, and sometimes it's difficult to keep ME awake when she wants me awake. Her afternoons are around 3am. We have cycles of not having the time at the same time, which can lead to the same kind of problems you're having. We've helped the problem, but not solved it, by actually making appointments with each other when it gets busy around here.

Mickie

 

[THEBRAT]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink the water! It sounds as if you're trying to hard.Have you tried letting him make the first move? No man likes being told I want sex now he will just plain refuse I know I've been there and done it just doesn't work.