Hendecasyllabics: Discussion and Practice

[Tzara]

*passes out*

I shall try more as I want to sound less formal (and less cliched), but I must practice. This could actually be good for a 30/30...but maybe just a line at a time lol.

That avatar looks like something from Grand Theft Auto.

Not that I would know.

 

[Tzara]

That's kind of the right idea, Magnetron. If you just tweak it a bit

Thrown cheese, gum, and tzaradactyls woven
Into something like pizza, in the oven.​

scans as

Thrown cheese, / gum, and t / zar·a / dac·tyls / wo·ven
In·to / some·thing like / piz·za, / in the / ov·en.​

which works.

Mea culpa, this isn't right.

Both the Romanian and French pronunciations would be tzar·a / dac·tyl.

So, the couplet should be something like:

Thrown cheese, sausage, and tzaradactyls woven
Into something like pizza, in the oven.​

Not that anyone in the world cares, of course.

 

[Angeline]

That avatar looks like something from Grand Theft Auto.

Not that I would know.

I just stopped for a latte before I'm off to jack a Camry.

 

[Tzara]

I just stopped for a latte before I'm off to jack a Camry.

A Camaro, darling. Preferably a Z/28.

A Camry is what Moms drive to Kroger to buy groceries in.

Like why I own a Volvo. No one carjacks a Volvo. It's like Dad's car.

Not that I am a Dad. I just drive like one.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

These have the same pattern of stresses, but seem simpler conceptually. (To simply this further, a hendecasyllabic line is trochaic pentameter with a dactylic substitution in the second foot.)

That's the way all the poems you cite as examples scan for me.

I'm ready to start playing with this - watch this space.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Here's a trial run:

Metaphor?

Surreptitiously I await the moment
When the delicate fresh cilantro, or the
Fragrance spun from a balsam will remind me.
Or, perhaps when the breeze alights correctly,
Soft and lingering on my face or fingers,
Thus to perfectly furnish me an image
Of ineffable pain or joy residing
Somewhere, possibly near my heart. But really,
No, my heart is an engine made of muscle,
Pumping blood through my body's lonely byways
Out to extremities, home to no emotion.
Where on earth is the place whose name I'm feeling?

 

[HarryHill]

I'm chattering around in the old thread and you've all moved to a new playground

 

[butters]

I'm chattering around in the old thread and you've all moved to a new playground

well what kept ya?

 

[greenmountaineer]

My try

As to the Matter of Gray

Gray, the color of many things November,
is today a few scraps of bark, like coffin
lids, down in the backyard among dead insects,
once in green exoskeletons, once hurry-
scurry mayflies that flew their day of living.

Gray is also the painted stroke of bamboo
leaves calligraphers draw upon white paper
that's as pure as a monk's mind meditating
where there isn't a question is the answer
to the trillion synapses flying, seeking.

 

[butters]

so impressed so far by AH & gm's pieces. not taken a look at how closely they conform, just being captivated by content.

gm...bark-like coffin lids? or bark, like coffin-lids/bark like coffin-lids?

tripped on coffin lids being bark-like

 

[AlwaysHungry]

Nice work, GM. It really is a pleasant metric scheme, not nearly as complicated as it initially seemed. It's a standard alternating of stressed and unstressed syllables, but with a little recurring hiccup. As I said to my sweetheart in a PM exchange, it's like a centipede marching along with a loose shoelace.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

so impressed so far by AH & gm's pieces. not taken a look at how cloely they conform, just being captivated by content.

gm...bark-like coffin lids? or bark, like coffin-lids/bark like coffin-lids?

tripped on coffin lids being bark-like

I read them as being actual bark.

 

[butters]

I read them as being actual bark.

yeah, i see them as bark scraps acting like coffin lids. just that phrase 'bark-like coffin lids' says (to me) coffin lids that look like tree bark, so jarred a touch.

 

[AlwaysHungry]

yeah, i see them as bark scraps acting like coffin lids. just that phrase 'bark-like coffin lids' says (to me) coffin lids that look like tree bark, so jarred a touch.

Perhaps there is a name for that -- a poetic technique of inverting a metaphor, saying what he says instead of saying "coffin lids-like bark." I think the mind of the reader can sort it out, but the inversion has an ironic effect.

 

[butters]

Perhaps there is a name for that -- a poetic technique of inverting a metaphor, saying what he says instead of saying "coffin lids-like bark." I think the mind of the reader can sort it out, but the inversion has an ironic effect.

maybe

 

[todski28]

*hits self in head with hammer multiple times*
I dont get it, I dont get it, I dont get it
I dont get it.

I think (feels like an oxymoron at the moment)
That this is beyond what limited brain capacity I have
as soon as people start talking stresse and iambicwhatever the heck
I cant keep up. I had to get my 9 year old to help me with syllables

 

[AlwaysHungry]

*hits self in head with hammer multiple times*
I dont get it, I dont get it, I dont get it
I dont get it.

Todski, have you ever learned to play a musical instrument? I may be able to help.

 

[butters]

*hits self in head with hammer multiple times*
I dont get it, I dont get it, I dont get it
I dont get it.

I think (feels like an oxymoron at the moment)
That this is beyond what limited brain capacity I have
as soon as people start talking stresse and iambicwhatever the heck
I cant keep up. I had to get my 9 year old to help me with syllables

stop. right now.

stresses can get confusing since different accents often place the 'stronger' sounds in a line in different places - regional accents can really throw a spanner into the engine. as i said before, the labels start my brain running in the opposite direction; once i forget about the labels and go with what i understand (iambs, in this instance, and stresses), i stop panicking and start hearing.

it's an exercise. a useful one, but the content of a poem will always always be more important imo.

 

[Angeline]

so impressed so far by AH & gm's pieces. not taken a look at how cloely they conform, just being captivated by content.

gm...bark-like coffin lids? or bark, like coffin-lids/bark like coffin-lids?

tripped on coffin lids being bark-like

Both poems are excellent and, to me, show how well it can be done if one is practiced in working with meter. I think I am going to try a 30/30 of one of these lines a day. I know the more ya do it, the easier it gets.

GM I read "bark-like" as meaning the bark is decayed like buried coffin lids, but it needs an em-dash (the width of two dashes) so that it doesn't suggest "like bark."

Again great job guys though I leave the counting to the stress master general.

 

[Angeline]

*hits self in head with hammer multiple times*
I dont get it, I dont get it, I dont get it
I dont get it.

I think (feels like an oxymoron at the moment)
That this is beyond what limited brain capacity I have
as soon as people start talking stresse and iambicwhatever the heck
I cant keep up. I had to get my 9 year old to help me with syllables

Line a day? 30/30?

 

[greenmountaineer]

so impressed so far by AH & gm's pieces. not taken a look at how cloely they conform, just being captivated by content.

gm...bark-like coffin lids? or bark, like coffin-lids/bark like coffin-lids?

tripped on coffin lids being bark-like

Typo; correcting it.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Nice work, GM. It really is a pleasant metric scheme, not nearly as complicated as it initially seemed. It's a standard alternating of stressed and unstressed syllables, but with a little recurring hiccup. As I said to my sweetheart in a PM exchange, it's like a centipede marching along with a loose shoelace.

Thanks; liked yours as well, and to be honest, I thought it had 1 or 2 tongue twisters fewer than mine.

I have some thoughts about the format, particularly about line length and how it may affect the sonics of a line but am curious to read further examples first.

 

[butters]

Both poems are excellent and, to me, show how well it can be done if one is practiced in working with meter. I think I am going to try a 30/30 of one of these lines a day. I know the more ya do it, the easier it gets.

GM I read "bark-like" as meaning the bark is decayed like buried coffin lids, but it needs an em-dash (the width of two dashes) so that it doesn't suggest "like bark."

Again great job guys though I leave the counting to the stress master general.

my brain's not up to the task yet. still too foggy-headed. but i'm enjoying the fruits of others' labours

Typo; correcting it.

flippin' fingers - they will do their own thing

 

[greenmountaineer]

*hits self in head with hammer multiple times*
I dont get it, I dont get it, I dont get it
I dont get it.

I think (feels like an oxymoron at the moment)
That this is beyond what limited brain capacity I have
as soon as people start talking stresse and iambicwhatever the heck
I cant keep up. I had to get my 9 year old to help me with syllables

tod,

It's fair to say my head ached a little bit too. It certainly is an exercise in persistence. To someone who writes in free verse in shorter lines as you and yours truly does to a lesser extent than you, it's very different, but I also think it stretches us as writers.

 

[Tzara]

Excellent examples from AH and gm. Here's my first shot. I think this is correct, but not entirely sure:

Lonely and Frustrated Poet Nelson Freck
Works on Improving His (Metrical) Pickup Line

In the presence of women I get nervous,
speak inanities, stare off in the distance,
whistle tunelessly hit songs from the Eighties—
ineffectual, clumsy interactions.
Hence, my writing. A poem is my way of
making small talk that might provoke some interest
from some woman who just might think I'm funny.
Desperation births many lousy poems.
This one. Others. In common meter quatrains,
haiku, roundelays, sonnets, villanelles, and
Now hendecasyllabics, from the Latin:
Trochee, dactyl, then trochee, trochee, trochee.
Any classisists looking for a boyfriend?
We could conjugate certain verbs together,
Amo, Amas and other words just like them.
Call me anytime. I'll respond quite quickly.​

Note that "poem" here is pronounced po·em.