How are you wired?

[UnderYourSpell]

Would you say your upbringing plays a large part in how you feel today or is it just the way you were made?

 

[FurryFury]

I'm sure with so many different backgrounds and experiences it's just how we were made.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Well that puts a different slant on things although I suppose it could mean I could stop laying the blame on my shitty childhood!

 

[FurryFury]

Need to cast blame means that something is wrong (in your own mind) with your desires. I know how one can feel that way because I used to as well. Someday you may come to accept that this is you and it's okay to be you.

A lot of people kinky and not, think and did have, terrible childhoods. We are often products of it in how things trigger certain negative responses. I know how that can be too.

Of course sometimes we find out our childhood were picnics compared to some and feel grateful as well. Running With Scissors was a real eye opener for me. LOL. It made my family almost look functional!

Well that puts a different slant on things although I suppose it could mean I could stop laying the blame on my shitty childhood!

 

[sadangel]

I want to feel successful by knowing that I've pleased you. 10

I want to be forced to do things I secretly want to do but can't admit. 10

I want to feel stronger and prove myself through enduring ordeals and pain.10
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both 10

I'm worthless, and I deserve to be punished. 5
-physically only07
-mentally/emotionally only2
-both

I don't want to have to take any responsibility, so I want you to control everything. 5

I want to be so desirable that you have to take complete control of me. 10

I want to be a pure object to you, a toy with which you amuse yourself. 10

I want to be debased, abused, made to feel inhuman or worthless.3

I want to prove my worth by suffering for you.8
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both 8


I want us to blend into one person.10
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both010


I want to prove I love you by doing difficult things. 10
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both10

I want to feel completely helpless and vulnerable.9
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both 9


I want to serve in any possible capacity as a sexual object 9

I want to serve you in any possible capacity including house chores 9

I want to be praised and/or rewarded when I succeed in pleasing or accomplishing a task 10

I want to be treated as a disposable entity, whose only worth is proportionate to the ability to please/perform a task 8

I want to feel cherished and cared for 100

I want to be guided and nurtured into becoming what you want me to be100

Sorry but those last two really hit home for me in my real life and very vanilla relationship. It's the very things I DON'T feel in this relationship. I didn't realize how strongly some of these would hit at the heart and soul.

I'm a uber---private person, but I'm trying to step out of my comfort zone, and so I decided to answer this not only honestly, but publicly

It's like I m living this life now husband and friends good social standing ........ but sometimes the darker side calls to me (sheesh I sound like something out of Star Wars!) and there is a 'need' in me

I bolded the part that struck a chord in me. That is where I am. It's not only a desire to be submissive anymore, but it's becoming for me, an outright need. Like breathing, and eating. I am not able to be in a RL D/s relationship, as for me, finding a D would be tanamount to cheating on my significant other....for her, and for me....So, I am trying to figure out how I can meet my submissive needs in a very vanilla relationship that is actually very abusive in many ways, in all ways. Like today, I did the dishes, without saying a word to my SO, and after I finished, I just went and watched TV with her, though I was bored senseless by what she was watching.....it was nearly 6 hours before she finally noticed they were done and said something. I simply said thank you this time, instead of making any other comment. That for me, was meeting my submissive side, with an SO who is very domineering (not Dominent) I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else...but it's where I am now.

 

[the Snood]

Just a normal, vanilla guy...

I want to feel successful by knowing that I've pleased you.

10 - this is really my end all / be all.

I want to be forced to do things I secretly want to do but can't admit.

I don't know about this one, as sometimes what I want is based upon what gets my partner off. Further, I'm taboo-free and have very few hangups, so if I want or like something, I 'admit' it. Under certain conditions, however, this might be true... let's say 3.

I want to feel stronger and prove myself through enduring ordeals and pain.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both

The first can be fun - there's edge play, and my female counterpart went ga ga when I placed a steel binding clip on my nipple, but no part of the second. None whatsoever. No siree. 5

I'm worthless, and I deserve to be punished.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both

Nope. 0

I don't want to have to take any responsibility, so I want you to control everything.

Sometimes, but that's a hard place for me to visit with any success. When I do succeed, it's fun. 5

I want to be so desirable that you have to take complete control of me.

Hmmm... while being neato and desirable is a gift I offer to Her, I don't really feel the above. It seems almost manipulative, so this plonker doesn't go there. 0

I want to be a pure object to you, a toy with which you amuse yourself.

Back to question one on this one. In that context, it can be fun - and is always interesting. 5

I want to be debased, abused, made to feel inhuman or worthless.

Nope. 0

I want to prove my worth by suffering for you.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both

Is this the MMPI? Binding clips. 5

I want us to blend into one person.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both

Hmmm... how Tantric. 10

I want to prove I love you by doing difficult things.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both

The only proof (for me) in this context, and a very difficult thing for me, is self improvement - being more of the heart and less of the mind, for the most part.

I want to feel completely helpless and vulnerable.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both

Y'know, defencelessness (in contrast to defensiveness) is a good place in which to be as a point of trust. Yeah. 10

Now to practice what I preach...

I want to serve in any possible capacity as a sexual object

Hmmm... I'm not with Kinsey on what's "possible." I don't step off my love map. Frightfully sorry, 0

I want to serve you in any possible capacity including house chores

Heck, I do chores just because - but not as part of sex. I'm not sure how to number this one. After all, I'm a wiling toy... 5?

I want to be praised and/or rewarded when I succeed in pleasing or accomplishing a task

'Course, but it's not requisite. I don't need a gushing thank you each time I do the laundry. 5 is getting to be rather too common, but how else to say yes and no?

I want to be treated as a disposable entity, whose only worth is proportionate to the ability to please/perform a task

Not at all. 0

I want to feel cherished and cared for

Indeed. I'm comfortable with my emotions, and even like films with no shooting. 10

I want to be guided and nurtured into becoming what you want me to be

Only in the sense of mutual growth, rather than being "moulded into someone who can cherish you as much as you cherish me." Yuck. Another 5

Snood

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Need to cast blame means that something is wrong (in your own mind) with your desires. I know how one can feel that way because I used to as well. Someday you may come to accept that this is you and it's okay to be you.

A lot of people kinky and not, think and did have, terrible childhoods. We are often products of it in how things trigger certain negative responses. I know how that can be too.

Of course sometimes we find out our childhood were picnics compared to some and feel grateful as well. Running With Scissors was a real eye opener for me. LOL. It made my family almost look functional!

Was this meant to be a link because I would really like to read that?

 

[ataxia.girl]

Like today, I did the dishes, without saying a word to my SO, and after I finished, I just went and watched TV with her, though I was bored senseless by what she was watching.....it was nearly 6 hours before she finally noticed they were done and said something. I simply said thank you this time, instead of making any other comment. That for me, was meeting my submissive side, with an SO who is very domineering (not Dominent) I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else...but it's where I am now.

If i expected to get thanked every time i did the dishes i'd be an extremely unhappy person. He thanks me occasionally (like a couple times a year) for all my hard work overall but i don't feel unappreciated in the least.

i'm not trying to say she isn't abusive, maybe she is, but i don't think your doing the dishes and watching a boring program with her without getting a medal sounds all that abusive.

You may also want to look inside yourself and really question whether or not it is more a case of your being very sensitive rather than her being domineering. i am often accused of being domineering because i'm not very good at walking on eggshells around sensitive people. This does not mean i don't understand sensitivity. i can be extremely sensitive to criticism and very fragile so i really do get it i'm still just not very good at knowing how to handle other people who are sensitive and i often just don't notice things.

i rarely thank my SO if he does the dishes because i figure its just part of his responsibility just like it is mine. Sometimes i do if i happen to notice but usually we are both just trying to keep up with everything, including the 4 children, and no one has time to get moody about not getting a thank you for this or that. i do the dishes 90% of the time and i don't mind. Its not a big deal, its just one of the things i do every day along with making dinner and picking up.

i work, he works, i cook, he cooks, i clean up, he cleans up. Occasionally we thank each other for all the effort both of us are putting in but no one is keeping score. i would not want to live that way.

When i do get in one of my petty moods i do really really resent the idea that when a man does something around the house he gets a huge thank you and everyone tells the woman how lucky she is to have someone like that while when i do household chores its just expected even though i also work and at various times have made more money. The whole attitude just really irks me mostly because i do sometimes buy into it and feel guilty that i am not able to keep a perfect house AND have a career without his having to pitch in and help take up the slack.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

If i expected to get thanked every time i did the dishes i'd be an extremely unhappy person. He thanks me occasionally (like a couple times a year) for all my hard work overall but i don't feel unappreciated in the least.

i'm not trying to say she isn't abusive, maybe she is, but i don't think your doing the dishes and watching a boring program with her without getting a medal sounds all that abusive.

You may also want to look inside yourself and really question whether or not it is more a case of your being very sensitive rather than her being domineering. i am often accused of being domineering because i'm not very good at walking on eggshells around sensitive people. This does not mean i don't understand sensitivity. i can be extremely sensitive to criticism and very fragile so i really do get it i'm still just not very good at knowing how to handle other people who are sensitive and i often just don't notice things.

i rarely thank my SO if he does the dishes because i figure its just part of his responsibility just like it is mine. Sometimes i do if i happen to notice but usually we are both just trying to keep up with everything, including the 4 children, and no one has time to get moody about not getting a thank you for this or that. i do the dishes 90% of the time and i don't mind. Its not a big deal, its just one of the things i do every day along with making dinner and picking up.

i work, he works, i cook, he cooks, i clean up, he cleans up. Occasionally we thank each other for all the effort both of us are putting in but no one is keeping score. i would not want to live that way.

When i do get in one of my petty moods i do really really resent the idea that when a man does something around the house he gets a huge thank you and everyone tells the woman how lucky she is to have someone like that while when i do household chores its just expected even though i also work and at various times have made more money. The whole attitude just really irks me mostly because i do sometimes buy into it and feel guilty that i am not able to keep a perfect house AND have a career without his having to pitch in and help take up the slack.

It does get up my nose that he gets moody because I haven't thanked him for doing the dishes, I think to myself who ever thanks me for doing them? But he's miles better than my ex who I only saw do the dishes once in 21 years and that was on a group holiday when everyone had to muck in!

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Goddess, where to start?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I want us to blend into one person.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both

This makes me feel terribly claustrophobic

 

[sadangel]

If i expected to get thanked every time i did the dishes i'd be an extremely unhappy person. He thanks me occasionally (like a couple times a year) for all my hard work overall but i don't feel unappreciated in the least.

i'm not trying to say she isn't abusive, maybe she is, but i don't think your doing the dishes and watching a boring program with her without getting a medal sounds all that abusive.

You may also want to look inside yourself and really question whether or not it is more a case of your being very sensitive rather than her being domineering. i am often accused of being domineering because i'm not very good at walking on eggshells around sensitive people. This does not mean i don't understand sensitivity. i can be extremely sensitive to criticism and very fragile so i really do get it i'm still just not very good at knowing how to handle other people who are sensitive and i often just don't notice things.

i rarely thank my SO if he does the dishes because i figure its just part of his responsibility just like it is mine. Sometimes i do if i happen to notice but usually we are both just trying to keep up with everything, including the 4 children, and no one has time to get moody about not getting a thank you for this or that. i do the dishes 90% of the time and i don't mind. Its not a big deal, its just one of the things i do every day along with making dinner and picking up.

i work, he works, i cook, he cooks, i clean up, he cleans up. Occasionally we thank each other for all the effort both of us are putting in but no one is keeping score. i would not want to live that way.

When i do get in one of my petty moods i do really really resent the idea that when a man does something around the house he gets a huge thank you and everyone tells the woman how lucky she is to have someone like that while when i do household chores its just expected even though i also work and at various times have made more money. The whole attitude just really irks me mostly because i do sometimes buy into it and feel guilty that i am not able to keep a perfect house AND have a career without his having to pitch in and help take up the slack.

There is FAR more to it than that. I don't expect a thank you each time, just once in awhile would be nice. It's not even that often. There is much more to it, as I am sure some may realize. That is just one small thing, but it's part of the over all picture. It's things like I can be speaking, to her, or anyone else, and she just completly jumps in and start speaking, and I'm expected to just shut up. She often tells me to do just that, even in front of other people--being called stupid, in front of others, for simply voicing an opinion that is different from hers. She has actually said in front of her sons, that my opinion is expected to be the one she tells me I can have. These are the type of things I'm talking about.

 

[the Snood]

There is FAR more to it than that. I don't expect a thank you each time, just once in awhile would be nice. It's not even that often. There is much more to it, as I am sure some may realize. That is just one small thing, but it's part of the over all picture. It's things like I can be speaking, to her, or anyone else, and she just completly jumps in and start speaking, and I'm expected to just shut up. She often tells me to do just that, even in front of other people--being called stupid, in front of others, for simply voicing an opinion that is different from hers. She has actually said in front of her sons, that my opinion is expected to be the one she tells me I can have. These are the type of things I'm talking about.

Myself, when I married Miss Right, I did not realise that her first name was Always. That, and her base position of unbridled contempt presented a - problem. I stuck with it for a fifteen years, and then couldn't. Sorry, bud.

Snood

 

[sadangel]

Myself, when I married Miss Right, I did not realise that her first name was Always. That, and her base position of unbridled contempt presented a - problem. I stuck with it for a fifteen years, and then couldn't. Sorry, bud.

Snood

You've actually hit on it. That is what she has been showing me for the last 6 months. Unbridled contempt and disgust for simply existing. Like I said, there's a lot more to it than my short posts have said...... Sorry you experienced it yourself. It's not easy.

(Ends thread hijack----sorry)

 

[ZoeBird]

I want to feel successful by knowing that I've pleased you. 10

I want to be forced to do things I secretly want to do but can't admit. 10

I want to feel stronger and prove myself through enduring ordeals and pain.
-physically only 10 (I want to, but I can't seem to...if that counts...or even makes sense lol)
-mentally/emotionally only 0
-both

I'm worthless, and I deserve to be punished.
-physically only 5
-mentally/emotionally only 0
-both

I don't want to have to take any responsibility, so I want you to control everything. 9

I want to be so desirable that you have to take complete control of me. 10

I want to be a pure object to you, a toy with which you amuse yourself. 0

I want to be debased, abused, made to feel inhuman or worthless. 0

I want to prove my worth by suffering for you.
-physically only 5
-mentally/emotionally only 0
-both


I want us to blend into one person.
-physically only 10
-mentally/emotionally only 2
-both


I want to prove I love you by doing difficult things.
-physically only 10
-mentally/emotionally only 5
-both

I want to feel completely helpless and vulnerable.
-physically only 10
-mentally/emotionally only 5
-both


I want to serve in any possible capacity as a sexual object 8

I want to serve you in any possible capacity including house chores 0

I want to be praised and/or rewarded when I succeed in pleasing or accomplishing a task 10

I want to be treated as a disposable entity, whose only worth is proportionate to the ability to please/perform a task 0

I want to feel cherished and cared for 10

I want to be guided and nurtured into becoming what you want me to be 5

 

[Nirvanadragones]

I've been thinking about this the entire night. I'm finding it difficult to come up with one sentenced statements . . . sorry . . .so, short of writing my own personal thesis, I'm just going to blurt it out, as I think of it, if that's ok.

I want to be as intimately close to you as possible, and when we are, it is in our basic nature to fall into our own, personal dynamic. It's not a role we play. It's who we are.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

I want to be yours completely. But I never fully understand what that means, until you show me.

 

[eastern sun]

When I was a teenager, I used to take every Cosmopolitan personality quiz they offered. And each one defined me just a little bit more in often totally contradictory ways. I'm never sure if I'm telling the truth. Sometimes I answer the questions the way I want to perceive myself, and tell myself the stories that support that answer. Sometimes I'm being "brutally honest," and admitting all the many ways that I fail to live up to my own expectations. In the morning my answers will probably be totally different than in the evening, depending on whether I'm looking at the day ahead of me, or the day I've just lived. But it is always interesting to engage in this kind of self-reflection. And the conversations it stimulates are fascinating.

With all that said. . .

I want to feel successful by knowing that I've pleased you.
I feel successful when I've accomplished something i set out to do.

I want to be forced to do things I secretly want to do but can't admit.
I love being forced to do things I secretly want to do but can't admit. And often have a hard time admitting it still.

I want to feel stronger and prove myself through enduring ordeals and pain.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both
I have always hated my own weakness, and will work very hard to feel stronger and prove myself through ordeals and pain. My experience of submission is that it almost always focusses on the weakness I am most uncomfortable with.

I'm worthless, and I deserve to be punished.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both
I want to punished for specific transgressions not for a general sense of worthlessness.

I don't want to have to take any responsibility, so I want you to control everything.
If I could avoid responsibility, I would. It doesn't seem possible without doing damage.

I want to be so desirable that you have to take complete control of me.
I'm glad this is here. It's a big part of my world.

I want to be a pure object to you, a toy with which you amuse yourself
In certain sexual contexts

I want to be debased, abused, made to feel inhuman or worthless.
There was a time when my ego was so unwieldy I enjoyed shattering its heavy weight. I'm not there any more.

I want to prove my worth by suffering for you.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both
To be a martyr? I'm going to suffer enough in life without bringing the hammer down on my head. On the other hand, it took me a long time to learn that.


I want us to blend into one person.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both
I wanted to feel this at one time, when I was young. Now I realize we are one thing, but two people.

I want to prove I love you by doing difficult things.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both
I want to prove I can do difficult things, but it has nothing to do with love. That part has more to do with ego.

I want to feel completely helpless and vulnerable.
-physically only
-mentally/emotionally only
-both
Only in certain sexual contexts. And only once in a while in certain emotional contexts.

I want to serve in any possible capacity as a sexual object
I want the opportunity to fully experience this sexuality of ours.

I want to serve you in any possible capacity including house chores.
I am going to serve in any possible capacity, so I might as well enjoy it.

I want to be praised and/or rewarded when I succeed in pleasing or accomplishing a task
I want to be praised and rewarded more often than I am. On the other hand, I've learned that there is tremendous pleasure and reward in the doing of things. I don't need as much praise as I thought I did.

I want to be treated as a disposable entity, whose only worth is proportionate to the ability to please/perform a task
I do not want to be disposed of.

I want to feel cherished and cared for.
Yes. But I've found that I need to learn to do this for myself.

I want to be guided and nurtured into becoming what you want me to be
Yes. Mostly because I sometimes lack the insight to see where my real strengths lie.

Maybe it comes as no surprise that I'm into service. I have found tremendous pleasure in eroticizing non-sexual aspects of my life, all linked to domestic and personal service. I would have completely rejected this aspect of my current sexuality as a young woman without children, however. Then I was much more interested in the wild and the crazy, the ordeals, the pain.

Now, honestly, it is an ordeal to get the dishes done on certain days. Similar mindset. Changing body. Changing circumstances.

The shifts and changes at the surface of my sexuality can be confusing. The ways my own behavior is inconsistent sometimes with what I think I want. Even the fact that what I want changes from morning to night. That's part of what I enjoy in the "slave" position.

All those changes take place, in me, over time, but ultimately who the fuck cares.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

My submission to you is not about being passive. It's active surrender.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

There's something incredible liberating, about having all my choices taken away from me.

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Active surrender is the gift of giving of myself. It cannot be taken from me, or demanded at the beginning. It has to be earned. But once given, it is yours to do with as you please.

 

[00Syd]

I want to be yours completely. But I never fully understand what that means, until you show me.

Ooh, this is a good one.

I think that might apply to me.

 

[FurryFury]

Was this meant to be a link because I would really like to read that?

No, just an underlined book title. You should be able to find it at any book store or library.

 

[sunandshadow]

I'd really like to see a list like this but intended for doms. Not really either myself so I'd love to compare the two lists, see which bit of my psychology/philosophy are sub, which are dom, and which are something else entirely.

 

[ataxia.girl]

There is FAR more to it than that. I don't expect a thank you each time, just once in awhile would be nice. It's not even that often. There is much more to it, as I am sure some may realize. That is just one small thing, but it's part of the over all picture. It's things like I can be speaking, to her, or anyone else, and she just completly jumps in and start speaking, and I'm expected to just shut up. She often tells me to do just that, even in front of other people--being called stupid, in front of others, for simply voicing an opinion that is different from hers. She has actually said in front of her sons, that my opinion is expected to be the one she tells me I can have. These are the type of things I'm talking about.

She sounds really tacky. She probably thinks its funny. That stinks.