How did you realize you are polyamorous? Am I polyam?

[magic_rat]

The only thing I’ll add for your consideration is based on the love and concern you have for your husband is that when discussing and sharing, you might want to be mindful and go out of your way to create a safe space for him to disagree and share his fears, trust me they’re there.

Absolutely the most important thing and expressed for more eloquently than me.

And you have to make the decision about what happens if your husband says no. It's a huge step for a lot of people (particularly if your prime motivation is to have sex with others) and one he may not wish to take.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

This and your original post show you to be a very empathetic person. I don’t have much to add and it seems you’re getting excellent advice from magic and others. I’ve only ever been on the periphery of this arrangement and it was a long time ago, it was the first time I heard the term polyamorous and had to look it up. What I observed then is the same now, in that there are many different takes on what this really means and how it’s practiced. The only thing I’ll add for your consideration is based on the love and concern you have for your husband is that when discussing and sharing, you might want to be mindful and go out of your way to create a safe space for him to disagree and share his fears, trust me they’re there.

The situation I found myself on the periphery of eventually collapsed, and the woman, who was my friend and connection, was very surprised to find out later how uncomfortable her main partner was and how much he disliked the arrangement and as a result started to withdraw from her. It was not surprising to me however, in fact it was obvious how he felt in just the simple conversations we had. Good luck.

Thank you Purple_Fronds, for sharing that personal experience and for your kind words. I agree and have been doing just as you wrote. People need to know how much they’re truly valued and to feel safe and secure. Without everyone’s enthusiastic desire for poly, someone surely ends up hurting.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Absolutely the most important thing and expressed for more eloquently than me.

And you have to make the decision about what happens if your husband says no. It's a huge step for a lot of people (particularly if your prime motivation is to have sex with others) and one he may not wish to take.

I expected the no and that’s ok. Just being able to share the desire was a huge weight off my shoulders. I reassured him that he is my beloved, irreplaceable. We have both been freer discussing sexual stuff since then.

I have poly romance fiction that’s been rattling round in my head and now I can write without feeling guilty about. May not even upload it but it’s a fun outlet for me and now I know the writing doesn’t bother him.

I’m very grateful to everyone who commented here. It really helped, is helping.

 

[magic_rat]

We have both been freer discussing sexual stuff since then.

This is the best thing. If you can talk openly about fantasies and desires, sometimes the need to actually fulfil them fades into the background; or, as I've found, if your discussions are frank, open and 100% honest, it opens up new avenues when you both know where the other stands. What seems unthinkable to him now may seem desirable in 12 months.