How do I deal, and not lose my grounding?

[AlwaysPale]

Thank you all so much. He and I have had a good long talk after he woke up and became coherent...

And we're both going to try harder. I mean, he isn't the only one at fault, and I never meant to imply that he was.

It's just so very hard to remain warm and caring and cheery when all you get in return is silence and apathy. But He did promise to try harder, and has been since. Hopefully this will last longer than a few days. No, that's not sarcasm or any such thing, but a valid hope.

I know every relationship has its ups and downs, sweetsecrets4u. I never asked for endless sunshine and roses. Or sex 3 times a day....gods, how *would* I get the chores done, then? But I have a very hard time with being "shut out". From my personal experience, that tends to lead to lack of communication, if it continues for too long. And *no* relationship will survive that.

Honestly, all I wanted was to know that He still wanted my company, and took even a slight amount of pleasure in it. Even if He never sexually touched me again (gods forbid!), I'd still need that from Him.

 

[sweet_secrets4u]

It's just so very hard to remain warm and caring and cheery when all you get in return is silence and apathy.

This is so very true, but do you also have to be little miss ray of sunshine all the time when things are glum, down or just a tad off color. My husband wouldn't recognise me if I was that all the time. I can be such a prickly little pear given the right circumstances, and not afraid to say what is on my mind.

Glad you had that talk with Him. It takes two to work at a relationship, and each needs the strength of the other. Dont be afraid of giving him a prod when he needs it They so need guidance till the day they can learn the art of multi taking

 

[knot_sweet]

I have nothing constructive to add to the excellent suggestions and advice already given...

Just wanted to throw a hug your way and the sincere hope that things continue getting better for you.

 

[kellyz_craic]

It is scaring the shit out of me the way talent you have for saying what I'm thinking.

Sorry to hear this darlin. I read your other post, about the powers that be screwing you over, and not having enough money to feed your daughter and all that stress

I know how all that feels. It's just overwhelming. For you and your husband. Sometimes you just have to hold fuckin tight til the worst of the being skint is over. And I don't want this to sound glib, cos believe me hun, I've been there more times then most and I KNOW how desperate and unending and depressing it can feel, but summat usually DOES come up. A mate'll lend ya some, or you'll get a cash in hand job, or an old debt'll come through (call in any money you lent to mates!), or your man'll get a promotion, or summat will fall off the back of a lorry near you. Promise. Just when you think you can't go on, it'll change xx

You know I always reckon the worst bit of having absolutely fuck all money isn't all the stuff you can't have, it's the strain it puts over your life. It's exhausting all that worrying. It's depressing how it erodes relationships with the people you love best, the stupid arguments you end up having. And it leads to this kinda stasis where you can't seem to see ahead, envisage a better, easier future.

This, especially the last paragraph. People have no clue how exhausting being skint is when you've got a little mouth to feed. Every purchase takes on life or death significance I once burst into tears in the middle of a supermarket because all the value products had all gone up by a few pence and shafted my careful budget. And it destroys you, watching your kid go without and being helpless to make all the love you feel for them tangible and edible.

I REALLY hope there's light at the end of the tunnel for you, cos my heart went out to you when you said your girl were saying she was hungry. That shouldn't happen, not in our rich countries.

I don't have any advice. Just hold tight to your mister, even if that aint physically. I think men take this shit harder, but us women are the ones that secretly say we've eaten so they can have our share.

Take care eh. Hope you can lend some money off mates or family.

Edie x

edit to add: PS just read your other post again yer Listen do what you have to yer to get food on the table. I always have and never felt a moments guilt. Fuck the man, his rules and his shops. Take what you need x

I've found with my husband that being alpha in the first hot flush of a relationship is easy. Being alpha when life is going according to plan is easy. The measure of a man who wants his dominance and control to extend further than the bedroom door lies in how he copes when the shit hits the fan. I actually found that my husband was a lot harder on himself than I ever was and that when he wanted distance from me it wasn't because he saw me as a burden but because he felt terrible about his failure to provide... failure as he saw it anyway, because I never did.

By shutting you out, he's put you in the position of an employee at a company that's in trouble, where the boss keeps his head down and his mouth shut while everyone panics. You need to remind him that you're his ally, not just someone he has to provide for. People who are stressed at work often have nothing left to give socially when they get home. Just sitting your man down and telling him that you understand this and that you're trying not to be demanding could make a difference. Ask him what else you can do to improve his quality of life just that little bit.

You need to sit him down and get him to tell you what your joint finances look like. Ask him what he can honestly contribute to putting food on the table and then make that money go as far as you can. Even when it comes to the cheapest stores, making the effort to shop around and get the lowest price for every product can make a real difference. If you drive, leave the car at home as much as possible, find cheaper ways of getting around. De-junk your house and have a yard sale. Go through the place without sentiment and see what you can do without, what will get you a few extra quid. Don't give stuff away at the yard sale, get a fair price for your stuff. Look for clothing agencies (I think the yanks call them thrift stores) where you can trade in stuff you haven't worn in years and get a few notes. Gold has a good price if you have any jewellery you can part with. You can even make it a game with your little girl and ask her what toys she's bored with that another little girl might like to play with. Then let her have some of what you make on them in a new toy and some sweets.

I think that if your husband can see you making these sacrifices and trying to meet him halfway it will mean a great deal to him.

Now is the time when you have to swallow your pride. If you're at the point where you've not got enough food and can't keep warm, it's time to let your family know and his as well. Take charity gratefully when you have to. Karma will allow you to be generous in turn when things are better for your family. Can you go and stay with relatives for a while? Maybe if you and your daughter went to stay with family it would give you and your husband some space as well as taking the pressure off of him to provide.

Go to a local mum and toddler group so you can find someone you trust with childcare. Lots of women have reciprocal childcare so they can both work part time. No money changes hands. Look into work you can do from home or online.

Like Edie said, do what you have to do and don't give in to guilt and self-reproach. Things won't be like this forever.

 

[Edith_UK]

Yup, all of that ^

Astute comment on why your husband may be shutting you out. He's probably struggling to deal with his own worries, the pressure on his back, wanting to protect you.

Oh, and be kind to yourself where you can too darlin x

 

[ataxia.girl]

i wasn't aware you guys were married. Is your daughter his? i guess i'm confused.

 

[waaitg]

Being alpha when life is going according to plan is easy. The measure of a man who wants his dominance and control to extend further than the bedroom door lies in how he copes when the shit hits the fan. I actually found that my husband was a lot harder on himself than I ever was and that when he wanted distance from me it wasn't because he saw me as a burden but because he felt terrible about his failure to provide... failure as he saw it anyway, because I never did.

This, more than anything is the knife's edge that can cut a man to the core. Not giving one's best and failing, but giving one's best, and having it be barely enough. One's best isn't a long day or week. It's waking up in a panic because you're so tired from working you don't know if you are at work or home. From being so mentally exhausted from keeping up that you can't plan and "deal" with the issues properly. Keeping up becomes frustrating because you are always trying to find the energy to catch an edge you can grip and not stop yourself from feeling like one is in a freefall and constantly tense because any moment you expect to finally have the fall end and experience the crash one has been afraid to face.

Sympathy and kind words don't help because it comes across as a distraction. I know I would tell myself "I'll make it up to them later but right, I have to deal with this..." but this never ends and it's the slowly emptying reserves that end up leaving one feeling hollower and hollower but the giving up is not an option. The fact he is still continuing under circumstances like that would be because he feels that he is failing, but if he can just outlast this, then it will prove in the end that he is worthy not just of you, but of himself.

Is this foolish pride? Of course it is. But one draws strength from where one can when nothing else is available.

As for how to deal, well as a fellow Canadian, I have dealt with a few agencies over the years. If you want to send me a PM letting me know which ones are involved, I'd be happy to share what I know or can find out.

W~

 

[Netzach]

Thank you all so much. He and I have had a good long talk after he woke up and became coherent...

And we're both going to try harder. I mean, he isn't the only one at fault, and I never meant to imply that he was.

It's just so very hard to remain warm and caring and cheery when all you get in return is silence and apathy. But He did promise to try harder, and has been since. Hopefully this will last longer than a few days. No, that's not sarcasm or any such thing, but a valid hope.

I know every relationship has its ups and downs, sweetsecrets4u. I never asked for endless sunshine and roses. Or sex 3 times a day....gods, how *would* I get the chores done, then? But I have a very hard time with being "shut out". From my personal experience, that tends to lead to lack of communication, if it continues for too long. And *no* relationship will survive that.

Honestly, all I wanted was to know that He still wanted my company, and took even a slight amount of pleasure in it. Even if He never sexually touched me again (gods forbid!), I'd still need that from Him.

Make it a project for both of you and schedule it.
I'm serious. Just agreeing and walking away DOOMS a thing to change for a little while and revert. You have to create new habits together, and you need to feed those new behaviors regularly. Have a weekly meeting.

 

[Netzach]

This, more than anything is the knife's edge that can cut a man to the core. Not giving one's best and failing, but giving one's best, and having it be barely enough. One's best isn't a long day or week. It's waking up in a panic because you're so tired from working you don't know if you are at work or home. From being so mentally exhausted from keeping up that you can't plan and "deal" with the issues properly. Keeping up becomes frustrating because you are always trying to find the energy to catch an edge you can grip and not stop yourself from feeling like one is in a freefall and constantly tense because any moment you expect to finally have the fall end and experience the crash one has been afraid to face.

Sympathy and kind words don't help because it comes across as a distraction. I know I would tell myself "I'll make it up to them later but right, I have to deal with this..." but this never ends and it's the slowly emptying reserves that end up leaving one feeling hollower and hollower but the giving up is not an option. The fact he is still continuing under circumstances like that would be because he feels that he is failing, but if he can just outlast this, then it will prove in the end that he is worthy not just of you, but of himself.

Is this foolish pride? Of course it is. But one draws strength from where one can when nothing else is available.

As for how to deal, well as a fellow Canadian, I have dealt with a few agencies over the years. If you want to send me a PM letting me know which ones are involved, I'd be happy to share what I know or can find out.

W~

Funny, I'm financial HoH at the moment and this is SO resonant.

 

[nimoway80]

........

 

[njlauren]

Always Pale, you have my sympathy and understanding and empathy. Your original post said this was your master, but I assume this is also in the context of being married? (Prob an obvious answer, but I know plenty of 24/7 D/s people who aren't married, they are simply dom/sub)......

I don't know the nature of your relationship, but please take your own unique things into consideration when reading my thoughts since I can only surmise and guess.

I agree with others, it sounds like your M is suffering from depression, even low level depression is a bitch, having gone through bouts of it. It takes away your will, and also makes those around you think like you don't care for them. I am speaking from experience, on multiple planes, both in a married relationship and one that blossomed into a D/s one. My wife/domme and I went through a number of years of hell, roughly in the period after our child was born and it damn nearly got both of us, let alone several times to the brink of coming apart. In our case it was unhealthy family issues, boundaries with birth family, that exploded after our child came around, my mom died just before he was born, my dad had his own issues, a lot of mistakes, and dealing with my MIL living with us, who was a complete psycho (diagnosable) on top of being a controlling, amoral hag.......in the middle of all that, we were exploring d/s and finding s new relationship.

If the D/s is part of your relationship, may I suggest something to you? Talk to your master/husband (if he is the latter), and put the D/s on hold for the time being, put it into timeout. I am not telling you to forget it forever, or even in your heart not to look at him as your M still, I am talking about the dynamics. Men who are heads of households are funny creatures (well, anyone really, but men have a lot of cultural baggage around them as well), and there is a lot of pressure when shit hits the fan to 'make it right'....in our case, I was the sole breadwinner, work was stressful, and then there was all the horrible family crap, moving into a new place under renovation, not a hoot (how about dealing with a 6 ring circus, and having your house under construction in one of the worst winters in 100 years...). I was a zombie, my domme/wife was taking care of a very young baby, dealing with contractors and a-hole family, and we were really, really down. To have the added pressure of being a dominant while dealing with so much else is just overwhelming. Maybe he would feel less pressure if he didn't have to take on that responsibility, maybe it would be something left in the nightstand for now, so to speak , until it gets a bit more sunny. He may very well be feeling even morose because he doesn't have the emotional or physical energy to give you what you need or be' the master', and it could very well be what you are reading as him not wanting to come home or be with you is him feeling down and guilty that all this shit has happened . I was the sub, but believe me I felt that guilt as the person supposed to be taking care of my domme/wife, and in some ways failing through no fault of my own, and my wife said I used to come home looking like I would rather be on death row......

In our case what we went through and some subsequent issues kind of blew the formal d/s thing apart though there are still some embers there in our hearts, i think, that might just explode one of these days, there was just too much in our lives, too many issues, the load of raising our child, financial issues, insane job/work hours, etc, et....... but we are still a couple, and in my heart she is still my domme....

My other suggestion is to try and find a way to communicate with him, to try and get help, because depression is a kind of illness and it really, really helps to find someone who will help you. I believe national health in canada covers it and talk therapy and/or meds can do world of good, take it from me, I wouldn't be here if it was for therapy and I guarantee you my little family unit would have imploded without us getting help and my son would probably be a wreck, instead of the incredible young man he is today.....

I wish you well, and I hope whatever I wrote gives you at least some ideas, glimmers of hope, whatever. The other thing to remember is what my wise therapist told me (who also was one hell of a domme I hear. When things are down, we tend to think they will never end, that there is no light at the end, and we are surprised when the light does return; and when things are going good, and suddenly the dark comes, we are crushed because it felt like it would never end, but of course it does......