How do I reduce my neediness?

[MissMaidenMinx]

Thank you all! Seriously, you have no idea how much better I am feeling. I am still sad, and still grief stricken, however I now feel hopeful. I have set a boundary and am hoping that will play out how I want. I know my libido isn't dead, so there's a plus.
For now, looking for someone new to fill the Dom role for me is not as important as getting myself through a fucking harsh rough patch.

You guys are wonderful people!! Thank you so much!

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

I don’t deal in support, compassion, or justification. Realism and practicality are my areas of expertise and I see two possible solutions.

1) You find someone whose time and desire to conduct an online relationship are a match for your own.

Or

2) You get busier living real life, leaving much less time to be needy online.

Good luck.

Dude, that was a presumptuous response. Is it not feasible that I can be busy doing things, and wondering why I haven't been contacted?

 

[positiveflirt]

Dude, that was a presumptuous response. Is it not feasible that I can be busy doing things, and wondering why I haven't been contacted?

On Lit, there are always trolls to be fed
Good luck!

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

On Lit, there are always trolls to be fed
Good luck!

Yeah, I forget that sometimes.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

I responded to what you wrote. Whether you like it or not it or not isn’t my concern.

You are the one mourning an online playmate for a decade, too needy to hold on to a new one, and whining about it here.

If you want things to stay the same, keep on justifying and rationalizing. Either way, it’s all on you.

Get back under your bridge, mate.

 

[FlyingThruLife]

I responded to what you wrote. Whether you like it or not it or not isn’t my concern.

You are the one mourning an online playmate for a decade, too needy to hold on to a new one, and whining about it here.

If you want things to stay the same, keep on justifying and rationalizing. Either way, it’s all on you.

Dude, not cool.

Someone is reaching out cuz they're struggling, and you're putting them down.
You should really take half a second to think about your actions before randomly posting stupid shit like this.

I'm all for you having an opinion, and maybe your initial post is genuinely what you think would help. (I have my doubts, but I'm also willing to give you the benefit of them.)

Your second post is absolutely not welcome in a place like this. It is not your place to post it. However when someone is asking for help, and you offer it, their reaction should be your concern.

It boggles my mind how thoughtless some people can be while hiding behind a keyboard.

I hope you find happiness in life, I really hope you do, and then I hope you learned to share that happiness with others, and not spread toxicity. There is more than enough of that going around in the world right now, and this is clearly a place where it is not appreciated.

 

[FlyingThruLife]

@MissMaidenMinx

I hope you had a great day, or evening, or whatever the situation happens to be in your current time zone.

I know loss can be hard, and grief can be hard as well. I apologize on behalf of people who seem fairly dense at the moment. Sometimes people just don't understand, and I honestly take pity on them. The fact that they feel a need to come here and act high and mighty like they've never experienced loss before absolutely blows my mind.

Enough of them though, they are not the people that you want in your life anyways. Thankfully there is an ignore button for that.

I hope you've had a productive time, and a little bit of time to reflect as well. If you have any more questions, thoughts, or just want to shoot the shit, feel free to let me know.

 

[Strixaluco]

I refuse to refer to that unwelcome post directly. It was, however, wrong.

It is NOT healthy to get so busy that there's not even time to think and mourn. It would only lead to more problems afterwards.

 

[FlyingThruLife]

People who "ask for help," if that's really what they're doing... are not helped at all by wishy-washy crap that makes them "feel good" without addressing the real problem. Where we are in life, all of us, is the precise sum of the choices we've made up to this point. Pretending otherwise is a prescription for continued failure and misery.

If you really want to be the White Knight here, why don't you rescue her by becoming her new online lover? Surely you care at least that much?

You have an absolutely correct that people are not helped at all by anything wishy-washy. I have a very funny feeling you didn't take a moment of time to read any of the posts beforehand before making your own. Not one of us said that it was going to be easy, or that it was going to be fun, but that the path to self-help is often filled with hardship and difficult decisions/ thought processes.

I have no intention of being anyone's white knight, nor her new online lover.
If you've ever been to an AA meeting, or studied their rules, you might know that the last, and arguably most important rule that they have, is to help another alcoholic.
I'm not saying anyone's in alcoholic, but as someone who has suffered through loss, and had to dig deep at times to get through the darkness. I have every intention of trying to help anyone out who has the strength to ask for it.

I once again ask you to question the reason for why you are posting what you are posting. Why you would come into someone else's thread, where they are asking for help, and fill it with negativity. The world has more than enough of it in it. I feel like you are a fortunate individual who has not had to deal with loss that has absolutely crippled you as you try and go through life. That is incredibly fortunate and a gift, please don't overlook that gift, and try to understand that all are not quite as fortunate as you have been.

 

[Strixaluco]

It's not the first time he behaves badly. I've put him on ignore a long time ago.

 

[FlyingThruLife]

It's not the first time he behaves badly. I've put him on ignore a long time ago.

They really need a sad emoji for a like button.

It breaks my heart that there are people who feel like this is the best way they could be spending their time.

 

[Strixaluco]

They really need a sad emoji for a like button.

It breaks my heart that there are people who feel like this is the best way they could be spending their time.

Well, there's one that only lacks the tear...

I've seen...

• people mistake brutality for honesty
• people mistake brutality for tough love
• people mistake feelings as something you can just skip
• people think that because they went through hardships with help or compassion, others should, too
• etc etc

Honestly, I don't care if it's about one of those. I clean that kind of people from my life if at all possible. I have enough brutality, hardship and lack of compassion from the life itself. I've also survived grief. Very few people can live their whole lives without it - usually the only method is dying before any of your beloved ones.

 

[FlyingThruLife]

Well, there's one that only lacks the tear...

I've seen...

• people mistake brutality for honesty
• people mistake brutality for tough love
• people mistake feelings as something you can just skip
• people think that because they went through hardships with help or compassion, others should, too
• etc etc

Honestly, I don't care if it's about one of those. I clean that kind of people from my life if at all possible. I have enough brutality, hardship and lack of compassion from the life itself. I've also survived grief. Very few people can live their whole lives without it - usually the only method is dying before any of your beloved ones.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I have always felt as though there is a yin and yang in life, a give and take.

You can never truly understand happiness unless you have felt sadness. It is unfortunate, but it is also impossible to live at a constant state of happiness. There needs to be contrast.

Thankfully, the reverse is also true. The only way darkness can exist in our lives, is if there is also light. We may not always see that light, but it is definitely there.

I have been incredibly thankful and lucky to have some truly wonderful people show me towards that light.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

@MissMaidenMinx

I hope you had a great day, or evening, or whatever the situation happens to be in your current time zone.

I know loss can be hard, and grief can be hard as well. I apologize on behalf of people who seem fairly dense at the moment. Sometimes people just don't understand, and I honestly take pity on them. The fact that they feel a need to come here and act high and mighty like they've never experienced loss before absolutely blows my mind.

Enough of them though, they are not the people that you want in your life anyways. Thankfully there is an ignore button for that.

I hope you've had a productive time, and a little bit of time to reflect as well. If you have any more questions, thoughts, or just want to shoot the shit, feel free to let me know.

No need to apologise for other peoples shitty behaviour. If they want to have such a rigid and unsympathetic approach to life, well I feel sorry for them because that shit will bite them in the arse.

My day finished better than it started yesterday. I know today will have hard moments but I now know what I am doing and have a plan.

 

[jaF0]

I went a different way.

Pretty much ended all contact with people in any more than a very casual way. A few words with a neighbor when I'm out walking. A few words with clerks in stores. A few exchanges on forums like this. All in the open, no private conversations. No one can really get under my skin, because no one gets more than a very few minutes.


Definitely not an option most could deal with.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

I went a different way.

Pretty much ended all contact with people in any more than a very casual way. A few words with a neighbor when I'm out walking. A few words with clerks in stores. A few exchanges on forums like this. All in the open, no private conversations. No one can really get under my skin, because no one gets more than a very few minutes.


Definitely not an option most could deal with.

I have always admired people that can do this. I can't. I need strong connections.

 

[jaF0]

I did for a while.


Then I got taught.

 

[twister947]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Thankfully, the reverse is also true. The only way darkness can exist in our lives, is if there is also light.

"There ain't no dark 'till something shines..."
Townes VanZandt

 

[Strixaluco]

I have always admired people that can do this. I can't. I need strong connections.

I don't envy it. I don't think humans are made for such - we are herd animals as a species.

 

[jaF0]

^^ And yet, all through history there have been nomads, hermits and all sorts of similar.

 

[Strixaluco]

Nomads are usually going in groups.

 

[Otis_Ravelli]

Having read through the thread I actually don't think I'd describe you as needy. If you are going to give your submission to someone you want a certain level of commitment to regular communication in return. That isn't unreasonable, building a connection with someone to get the best out of the relationship is a requirement.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of men who will talk a good game then go dark once they've got themselves off. In the past I've had some really strong relationships like this online but it takes time and daily communication to achieve. Sometimes sexual and sometimes just chatting and learning more about them as people.

Obviously, if you feel like this is something that you want to work on then you should but at the same time, I don't think you should be giving yourself a hard time when it's other people not living up to their end of the bargain. If they aren't meeting the level of communication that you have made clear you need then I don't think the failing is yours.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

I don't envy it. I don't think humans are made for such - we are herd animals as a species.

I have always admired the ability to set a boundary and stick to it, and I see this as an extreme variation of boundary setting.

 

[MissMaidenMinx]

Having read through the thread I actually don't think I'd describe you as needy. If you are going to give your submission to someone you want a certain level of commitment to regular communication in return. That isn't unreasonable, building a connection with someone to get the best out of the relationship is a requirement.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of men who will talk a good game then go dark once they've got themselves off. In the past I've had some really strong relationships like this online but it takes time and daily communication to achieve. Sometimes sexual and sometimes just chatting and learning more about them as people.

Obviously, if you feel like this is something that you want to work on then you should but at the same time, I don't think you should be giving yourself a hard time when it's other people not living up to their end of the bargain. If they aren't meeting the level of communication that you have made clear you need then I don't think the failing is yours.

Thank you. I'm starting to be inclined to agree.

 

[spankableBelle]

Having read through the thread I actually don't think I'd describe you as needy. If you are going to give your submission to someone you want a certain level of commitment to regular communication in return. That isn't unreasonable, building a connection with someone to get the best out of the relationship is a requirement.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of men who will talk a good game then go dark once they've got themselves off. In the past I've had some really strong relationships like this online but it takes time and daily communication to achieve. Sometimes sexual and sometimes just chatting and learning more about them as people.

Obviously, if you feel like this is something that you want to work on then you should but at the same time, I don't think you should be giving yourself a hard time when it's other people not living up to their end of the bargain. If they aren't meeting the level of communication that you have made clear you need then I don't think the failing is yours.

This is so incredibly well put.