How do you cope?

[Kailey_86]

Has anyone successfully been "them" with out worry? how did you handle your family, your spouses' family, outside people?

I have been successful in being myself. I told my family that I was into BDSM and that I was in a D/s relationship. I also told my friends about it. Even coworkers and strangers know now. My friends and family would come to my house often and I got sick of hiding my floggers and paddles everytime they decided to visit. Plus, it's just who I am and I want people to know the real me. The great thing is that everyone (with the exception of my dad) was accepting of my lifestyle. Some thought it was "cool," some were interested in doing the same and asked lots of questions, and some were indifferent. Overall, it was a success. Maybe it's because I'm young and so are my friends that it went over so well. Maybe it's because I surround myself with open-minded and non-judgemental people. Either way, it felt like a breath of fresh air to let go of that secret.

 

[SheDevilShay]

I have been successful in being myself. I told my family that I was into BDSM and that I was in a D/s relationship. I also told my friends about it. Even coworkers and strangers know now. My friends and family would come to my house often and I got sick of hiding my floggers and paddles everytime they decided to visit. Plus, it's just who I am and I want people to know the real me. The great thing is that everyone (with the exception of my dad) was accepting of my lifestyle. Some thought it was "cool," some were interested in doing the same and asked lots of questions, and some were indifferent. Overall, it was a success. Maybe it's because I'm young and so are my friends that it went over so well. Maybe it's because I surround myself with open-minded and non-judgemental people. Either way, it felt like a breath of fresh air to let go of that secret.

yes... this is how I feel but I do not know if its possible while you have children, though I think its managable.. (though with my Masters job.. its not possible on some levels he could lose his job over it...)

So being realistic and knowing "who" is safe and "who is not" is going to be something I have to learn.. I do not want to slip up on accident in front of his boss at the christmas party... eeeegads.

 

[Kailey_86]

yes... this is how I feel but I do not know if its possible while you have children, though I think its managable.. (though with my Masters job.. its not possible on some levels he could lose his job over it...)

So being realistic and knowing "who" is safe and "who is not" is going to be something I have to learn.. I do not want to slip up on accident in front of his boss at the christmas party... eeeegads.

Well, you could always try testing them to see how they react to certain things. Throw a general statement out there on the subject and see what they do with it. I have a lesbian friend and that's what she does before she decides to tell people. Start up a conversation about a magazine or news article that you read about the lifestyle. See what people say. It could be real or made up. Obviously this sort of a conversation might not be appropriate for some work environments but there are other ways to slip it in there.

I agree that you should be discreet around children however, after a certain age, they are being exposed to much worse things (not to imply that BDSM is a bad thing, of course).

 

[SheDevilShay]

Well, you could always try testing them to see how they react to certain things. Throw a general statement out there on the subject and see what they do with it. I have a lesbian friend and that's what she does before she decides to tell people. Start up a conversation about a magazine or news article that you read about the lifestyle. See what people say. It could be real or made up. Obviously this sort of a conversation might not be appropriate for some work environments but there are other ways to slip it in there.

I agree that you should be discreet around children however, after a certain age, they are being exposed to much worse things (not to imply that BDSM is a bad thing, of course).

Well he's 3.. he knows what bitches/studs (because of dog breeding) vaginal ultra sounds and how doctors look to see baby making parts.. (I oculdn't get a baby sitter so he's gone to doctor appointments with me..)

He knows what a period is... (he has no idea what sex is on ANY level we've sort of over sheltered him on that.. ) but god if he doesn't know what "everything" else is....

 

[EmpressFi]

This topic comes to my mind frequently. Before my husband and I started exploring polyamory and long before I even thought about becoming someone's submissive full time, we worked with this couple who were in a D/s relationship. We knew after the sub learned to trust my husband and told him. She used to answer all our questions and really, I have to say it was getting to know her that made me think, hmmm I really want to do this. But then she left the office, then he did and I kind of let it go by the wayside.

When we decided to try polyamory, we were VERY careful about who we told - as in only our closest friends. His family would NEVER understand nor would mine... in fact, one brother would probably try and have the demons exorcised from my body. We had mixed reactions from those we did tell. Some basically said, "I dont know how you can do that..." and some were basically, "well, there's nothing wrong with it, it's not for me, but if it makes you happy..."

Master was one of those friends I told. That's when he told us that he'd been in a D/s relationship as well. We, Master, my husband and I and his Domme are all on a bulletin board and for now, we have only told a few people we trust about our relationship - as in who the person is we're involved with. Master says he doesnt want people to think ill of me... or us... and the sad thing is, he's right, some of them would.

What hurts, is that I'm so proud of him, proud of US, who we are, our relationship. It's more than just D/s, I truly love him. And yet, I have to be on my guard that I dont call him "baby" in a post or when I post pictures of my trips to see him that the pictures dont have anything that gives away where I am. Sometimes, I just want to make a post outloud that says, "Hey Everyone. I love Him! And I love my husband. We're together now" but for now, I cant. They wouldnt understand.

At work, there are a few people who know. I found out one co-worker is just starting a D/s relationship with his wife. So he comes to me to get a subs perspective on things. Also, the woman I mentioned who used to work there, came back. She was SO excited when I told her about Master and told me there are others where we work who are also in D/s relationships. But she was also quick to caution me about being too open about things... again, people would judge, even to the point of losing my job.

How I cope? Since that was the original question... I lean on Master and my husband a lot. I lean on my friends who know alot..even the friends that know I have a master without knowing who Master is. They are my support system right now.

 

[Bandit58]

How do I cope? I just live my life
I wear a collar (see av) but it isn't conspicuous. Any bruises are hidden under clothing. We look just like any other couple when we are out, I am attentive to Him in public but most people just think I am a loving spouse.

Our friends know we are in a D/s relationship, some of them don't really understand but they see that we are happy so it doesn't matter. The exact nature of the relationship is hidden from my family (mother, brother, adult son and daughter) although the kids now know their mother is bi. Master's daughter knows her Dad is kinky but she's nearly 30 and a mother herself

 

[DeservingBitch]

This is how I "feel" and it scares me....

I just wish I could find people like this in real life... people that if we wanted to go out and have dinner with, I would have someone to talk to who knew how I felt... I wouldn't know what to say to a normal person.. I never have... its one of the reason's I think I am so anti social.. "normal" people (or society's version of normal which is not nessicarily normal or healthy..) I just can't relate or cope with their thought process.. if I do something wrong I expect apunishment.. if my Dom wants to pinch me for interupting him.. I expect it, I don't expect people to get offended if he does something to me...

It irritates me that people are so judgemental and closeminded... and I don't know how this will work outside of our house... we haven't "lefT" our house together yet.. i've done things for him outside of the house and It is my place.... but I don't know how it will work yet I have alot to learn.

I understand your need to have people around you who you can relate to and talk about what is a significant part of your life. But many people have already commented on that and/or given useful suggestions/advices, so I want say more about this.

However, I think there are two important things to keep in mind regarding people being judgemental and closeminded (as you put it) when faced with the relationship that you and your Dom have negociated, especially in terms of 'punishments' happening in front of other people.

First, I don't think that you/we can ignore the fact that many women are suffering *non-consentual* abuse and violence from their partners. I am not of course suggesting that the example you give us of your Dom pinching you for being mouthy is abuse. But there is no way for outsiders who aren't privy to the details of your relationship to know that your Dom 'punishing' you is something that you have previously negociated with him and consented too. Failure to acknowledge this and to take it seriously into consideration when deciding how to behave in non kink-friendly spaces is basically putting the responsability on outsiders to decide/judge whether or not what they are witnessing is abuse, and from there, whether or not they should intervene.

Second, as a fellow BDSMer and kink-friendly person, I have to say that it often infuriates me to have other people's kinks forced on me. Again, I am not suggesting that this is what you and your Dom are doing. But I think that you/we have to keep in mind that 'consentual' is not only for the people directly involved in the relationship. You have to extend this right (to consent or refuse to consent) to everybody else. And frankly, when I go about my daily life, I have absolutely no interest in being witness to other people's kink and private life. When I do want to see some kink in action, I watch porn or go to a fetish party -- and the important bit here is that in both cases, I *choose* to engage in such activities.

 

[Penalt]

..........Mamid and I live north of you in Canuckland. We've gone 5 rounds or so with our version of CPS and I totally understand where you are coming from on this. Dealing with the Souless Minions of Orthodoxy can be one of the most stressful, nerve wracking and paranoia inducing things you may ever go through.

We don't smoke, do drugs or drink and we still went through heck and back with them. I would say that when in doubt go straight to the horses mouth. Ask CPS directly what they would consider acceptable and what they would not. When you get an answer get the persons name. That way if you get any grief later you can tell the CPS agent," I am following guidelines given to me by 'X' from office ABC." Do this before you get a knock on the door from them if at all possible.

As to dealing with other people in general. I don't advertise my kink, but I don't hide it either. Anyone knowing me for awhile will generally figure out I am not exactly a model of normalacy. Anyone who is also kinky will generally click into it very quickly. One person, who has been a wonderful toy on a few occasions, clicked into it the first time they came over for coffee.

As to children....

You have to be careful when little ones are thrown into the mix. How much can they process? How much will they process? What will they do if they happen to run across/dig out of the closet your play toys? At what age do tell them not only about the birds and bees but about the different colours of their wings?

Its a good thing BDSM can be so damm enjoyable because otherwise it would a terrible pain in butt. Butt then again, isn't that the point

 

[Mamid]

It really is too late at night for me to post but I have to. One of the reasons why CPS keeps on showing up is because I suck at housekeeping, especially with our son the tornado. Do they bother to get me help? Only for a few months. Help has dried up again so I'm stuck holding the bag they gave me. And it sure don't smell like roses, if you know what I mean.

This is how CPS thinks:

If a woman has marks on her, makes excuses for things or other "flags," she is being abused. Doesn't matter if she knows it and admits it or not because women who are abused have to hide the abuse so they aren't found out that they are being abused. Then there's the entire codependant, enabler and other "recovery" bullcrap spew that they follow.

CPS workers are trained from the first day they show up for training to look for abuse even when it isn't there because abuse has been hidden for so long with excuses, "I fell down," "I walked into a wall" and more.

If you show up at a meeting with a CPS worker - or rather if they show up at your home with a bruise that is visible, you will get grilled about what he does to you and how often he abuses you. Doesn't matter if you swear that he doesn't, you have a mark on you, therefore he must be abusing you.

I have a birthmark on my chest that I got grilled about by a doctor who saw me shortly after D2 was born. He asked me point blank if Penalt hit me and how many times. Its a birthmark! I've had it since I was 18 when it first showed up. But it looks like a nasty purple bruise. Almost like he took a tire iron to my chest or something cause of how it is shaped. And now, on the other breast, I have a burn mark I did to myself by accident. I got grilled about that one too.

CPS workers are not looking to "save the kids." They are looking to justify their jobs. Their job descriptions is to "save the kids" but in reality, they are looking for any excuse to bill the goverment for their time and the time spend giving "services" to families. This includes all the other agencies they contract out to - councellors, psychiatrists, supervised visits and anything else you can think of. Foster parents are paid to take care of your kids and the CPS workers, and foster parents, need to justify their jobs so they take accurate records of every single little movement the child does and overanalyzes it. Then there's everything you do.

Are you angry? Too emotional? Not emotional enough? Cancel visits? Make a fuss when they cancel the visits? Don't make a fuss? Don't call the kids? Call too often? Following the "contract" to get your child returned? Obeying their decrees? Fighting their orders? Doing what they are telling you to do? Not attending meetings and more? All of it is written down and it will be used against you.

Once a child is put up for adoption and your rights terminated, that child is a valueable commodity. It can earn a CPS worker several thousand in bonuses when the child is "placed" with a "loving family." That "family" can and often will receive a stipend for the care of that child until it turns 18. (This is usually when I add in the poverty does not make a bad parent rant)

CPS workers are looking for a reason any reason to take the kid. Our "unclean" house is a perfect reason - nevermind that I'm in constant pain that takes my breathe away, or that I had a broken foot, or that my son is a tornado and likes doing experiments, or that the homemaker they gave me quit back in March when my foot broke, or that my mother used to beat me when I didn't do a chore up to her standards so now I hate doing chores. Nope. Society says that as a stay at home mom, I am required to have a hospital sterile house and I am the one to do it. Not my partner. Not the kids. Me. And I am at times physically unable to do it. But if I don't, they can and have threatened to take the kids because this is a "recurring issue."

The only reason why they haven't is that I brought up the foster mother who lived on the island who had food rotting all over her house and the news programs who broadcasted it. Everytime I do, that shames them and makes the workers realize that ya, the place is messy, but it isn't that bad.

As I said before, CPS workers are looking for a reason to take the kid. And it doesn't take much for them to show up at your door. All it takes is some busybody to call them up and put in a "concern" and voila, they're here.

What really pisses me off is that they can take a teenager and force them to strip to prove they don't have any marks on them without a parent or guardian present. A teenager!

Then there's the "if you have nothing to hide" bullshit that they pull. I do have something to hide - my children from your claws!

And lastly, there's how we, as parents dealing with CPS, are perceived. As soon as CPS shows up in your lives, you are child abusers. There is no "innocent until proven guilty" with the neighbours or friends. And don't expect to have any friends once CPS comes around. They dissapear for fear of being the next victim.

BDSM is "ABUSE" in the CPS handbook. To them, no selfrespecting person would want to be beaten or (insert bdsm term here) so the person who is "in" that lifestyle is being ABUSED and the kids are in danger and must be taken to save those poor innocent victims.

CPS workers live in a fairy tale land where parents are perfect, children are angels that never cause problems and families are perfect. I'm no Stepford wife and my children are not Stepford children nor would I ever expect them to be.

Watch out for the CPS worker who shows up during a "crisis" like medical emergencies, childbirth or death of a family member or when the family breaks down. Those ones are not there to help. They are circling like vultures around a carcass ready to help themselves to the windfall that you are providing for them. Nurses, doctors, teachers and more are all mandated reporters. There's many more. Those people must report all incidents of "abuse" whether or not the "abuse" is legit. There have been families torn apart because of purple sun screen. Or a mispoked word. Or because someone lies.

CPS does not understand BDSM and no amount of advocating will help. BDSM to them is ABUSE. Don't ever forget that. Do not ever trust CPS with your children. Your most precious assets will be on the line if you do.

 

[catalina_francisco]

While I agree there is room for improvement in CPS services in most developed countries, I do not agree about the motives behind their work that you believe as gospel Mamid. I have worked with them on a professional level and believe they are not out hunting for children to take under any excuse as they simply do not have the resources to deal with those children once taken....that is why so many remain at risk and end up statistics...simply because there is nowhere else for them to go and workers have to try and make the descison between those which are likely to be seriously harmed, and those who probably will be at low risk if left in the family home, as well as where they can place them if they take them. They are only human working with hostile clients who do not usually offer information willingly, so like all of us, they sometimes get it wrong.

If you show signs of abuse, whether you are willing to accept it and stay or not is not their primary concern...it is that you are exposing a vulnerable child to that environment which has never been shown to be positive or productive for a child, but shown to be very damaging psychologically and emotionally, and often physically, and even sometimes resulting in death. If they believe abuse is present, even in the form of D/s, they will likely consider seizing a child and I have to say to some extent I agree with their judgement based on the facts and attitude they are often presented with. If a child is being exposed to D/s and is of insufficient age and/or maturity to understand that in a positive way, they are being abused. I would also question a doctor such as Shay claims she went to for gyno examination while her toddler looked on as not only would all OB/G's I have ever dealt with find that unacceptable and unproafessional, it is not appropriate as the child is not old enough to comprehend and process that information adequately. I find it dusturbing she finds it all so amusing and Kailey already knows from past experience, my and others' opinion on her quest to be free to expose her choices and self to everyone including children. It is amazing what goes on in children's heads while on the surface it seems they haven't noticed or are not bothered in the least, and how that can scar them psychologically for years to come, even a lifetime.

Catalina

 

[FurryFury]

with everyone else? So far I haven't had to deal with alot, but i've had warnings from a couple mom's to be careful if anyone finds out because of CPS investigations where kids were taken away from mom's who lived D/s lifestyle openly.. (and not nessicarily with the Kink, were talking about like religious D/s..)

It wouldn't happen in "my" state like that.. it would take actaul signs of abuse or physical neglect before they could "yank" a child out....

I don't understand why someone would even report someone....

My fear is I don't want to have to hide who I am all the time.. sure I don't call my Dom master in public.. and very rarely in private, usually its Sir, or honey, or even daddy....

I don't understand how people can be so closeminded and judgemental and It worries me...

I am am ember of a group thats for moms... I've been sort of blogging some of my thoughts and feelings on this adventure and had a few christian nuts blast me for my defaming their beliefs in a satanic way.... (huh?)

Tell me I should get therapy and no one should be her husbands doormat... (sighs, submissive does NOT equal doormat... hell even slave doesn't have to equal doormat...)

Has anyone successfully been "them" with out worry? how did you handle your family, your spouses' family, outside people?

I don't feel the need to "spread" what I am unless specifically asked I will reply honestly.. (my Dom has engrained that to remain silent or say untruths even by omission displeases him. so I don't make ahabit of it with anyone at all...though under the right circumstances witht he right person saying piss off doesn't bother me to someone I don't know...)

If you are gay, bi, tran or into BDSM and want to keep certain types of jobs or standing in the community you have to hide period.

People fear what they don't understand or want to understand. That fear takes some truly ugly and sometimes deadly forms. It also takes more subtle forms such as job interviews that fail.

As a woman who is into BDSM it bothers me a little that society is this way.

As a parent of a wonderful child who is gay, it increasingly bothers me that our society is this way.

As a good human being who loves to share resources and information it bothers me that I am constrained so.

Society should lighten up and deal IMO, but in the mean time I have to carefully weigh the risk to my job, my husband's job and my child's future.

 

[Mamid]

Catalina, you need to do some research on the reform cps and anti-cps groups. The concept is valid. The utilization isn't. Years ago, I found a website where children were up for adoption before their parent's parental rights were terminated. That was the most shocking part, nevermind the entire bit about bonuses for children adopted out and more. CPS isn't just for child protection. It is an industry designed to make money off the government. They do have quotas they have to meet and that's the most terrifying part of the entire CPS process. Our children are a commodity for them, not the precious beings they are.

 

[FurryFury]

Catalina, you need to do some research on the reform cps and anti-cps groups. The concept is valid. The utilization isn't. Years ago, I found a website where children were up for adoption before their parent's parental rights were terminated. That was the most shocking part, nevermind the entire bit about bonuses for children adopted out and more. CPS isn't just for child protection. It is an industry designed to make money off the government. They do have quotas they have to meet and that's the most terrifying part of the entire CPS process. Our children are a commodity for them, not the precious beings they are.

That is true about most that rely on government funding, schools included.

I wonder if some of the difference between your ways of thinking about this might be that you live in different countries or something?

 

[Mamid]

most of my information comes from american sources since the canadian ones are few and far between.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm in the states. I can say that how good or (mostly) bad child protective services are here varies widely. It's determine by a wide number of things. The bottom line, I would NOT want to be brought to the attention or caught up in the system in any capacity.

 

[Netzach]

Jeez.

And we couldn't even get COPS over when some woman left her kids both in the car on a 20 degree day and disappeared into the liquor store for an hour and a half.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Catalina, you need to do some research on the reform cps and anti-cps groups. The concept is valid. The utilization isn't. Years ago, I found a website where children were up for adoption before their parent's parental rights were terminated. That was the most shocking part, nevermind the entire bit about bonuses for children adopted out and more. CPS isn't just for child protection. It is an industry designed to make money off the government. They do have quotas they have to meet and that's the most terrifying part of the entire CPS process. Our children are a commodity for them, not the precious beings they are.

So your theory is that every child checked by CPS or taken into care is just because they see them in terms of dollars? I don't think so. I've just had my fill of abusive parents, or women who want to stay in an abusive relationship trying to blame CPS services for trying to protect their children. I have listened to women tell me how precious their children are to them, how much they love them etc., and then insist on keeping them in a situation where they not only see their mother beaten and sometimes hospitalised as a result, but often are also a direct victim of that physical abuse themselves...that IMHO is not loving your child. I also have known women who have known their partner was sexually abusing their child but chose to turn a blind eye so they didn't upset the partner or risk their relationship....I have even listened as they justified their blindness and then switched to saying how the child encouraged it etc.

I know it is a 2 way street, but is rare someone comes to attention, especially constant attention, if there is no reason. It is not like they go out and take a lucky dip on which house in which street to target without reason, and for those where a report has been found to be malicious, they usually try to make a follow up check if they have the resources, and then move onto cases they consider more urgent.

You can blame the government based on your belief they are wanting to snatch children for adoption (even though many children remain unadopted), but why not then blame those who want to adopt children for providing a market, or the thousands who let their children rot in the foster system their whole lives while they refuse to allow them to be adopted? Bottom line is I do not like to see children exposed to abuse, especially to serve the comfort level of adults, and exposing them in some of the ways discussed here to intimate parts of an adult relationship and/or D/s at an early age is definately abuse, especially where they witness physical, sexual and verbal forms of D/s.

While you may not do this yourself, and you may have a valid reason to complain, don't you think it better they do something instead of expect them to do nothing because it upsets you? What if it were someone else you knew and you knew for a fact the child was seriously abused but the parent/s complained they were being targetted and so CPS services backed off and the child died? How do you expect them to know the difference if they do not have the freedom to investigate and continue to keep a check on the situation until they are sure they know one way or the other? As someone said on an interview a few days ago about the increased security at airports etc., in recent times, 'they would much prefer to go through the inconvenience of being searched and questioned than have no security in place'. You can't have one without the other and while it seems inconvenient to you, to another child it may mean the difference between life and death....would you feel comfortable knowing that you may have contributed to the death of a child because your complaints had tied up resources and maybe interrupted a process necessary to detect that child's abuse before it was too late?

People in these positions are not mind readers, nor is it an easy job working in CPS services. When I was training to be a SW, we were told that the average time for a person to remain in CPS as a field worker was just 9 months...by that time they were usually burnt out and emotional wrecks from the daily abuse of children they had to see and document, the cases they couldn't prove or get to in time, and the never ending list of reports they could not physically keep up with to check...it is not a walk in the park doing that job.

You choose to live a D/s lifestyle and that is fine, but with that you also have to expect an outsider such as a CPS worker has a responsibility to make sure you are not exposing your child to things they deem inappropriate. When you have a child that is part of the responibility you accept. Unfortunately, children do make messes unless you are lucky or manage to find a way to make it fun and part of the rules they help clean up their mess...believe me, after bringing up 2 on my own I know how bad it can be. Fortunately I managed to get through to them from crawling stage on that tidying up their toys at the end of the day was part of the game of life and tried to make it into a game for them so it was more appealing....it wasn't always easy, but I was the adult and it was my responsibility to make sure they had an environment to live in which was safe, clean, tidy and healthy. Unfortunately for you, one of the classic signs of a household where children are abused is an untidy and/or unclean house so yes, they are going to keep a check on you until they know those children are safe. I'm not sure what you expect in terms of help from them as I don't imagine they have the resources to pay someone to clean your house though I could be wrong.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

You choose to live a D/s lifestyle and that is fine, but with that you also have to expect an outsider such as a CPS worker has a responsibility to make sure you are not exposing your child to things they deem inappropriate. When you have a child that is part of the responibility you accept. Unfortunately, children do make messes unless you are lucky or manage to find a way to make it fun and part of the rules they help clean up their mess...believe me, after bringing up 2 on my own I know how bad it can be. Fortunately I managed to get through to them from crawling stage on that tidying up their toys at the end of the day was part of the game of life and tried to make it into a game for them so it was more appealing....it wasn't always easy, but I was the adult and it was my responsibility to make sure they had an environment to live in which was safe, clean, tidy and healthy. Unfortunately for you, one of the classic signs of a household where children are abused is an untidy and/or unclean house so yes, they are going to keep a check on you until they know those children are safe. I'm not sure what you expect in terms of help from them as I don't imagine they have the resources to pay someone to clean your house though I could be wrong.

Catalina

This is exactly out of a Victorian reform mindset. Children should have a tidy home. I did it therefore you can do it, to whatever my concept of "tidy" is or the governmental concept of "tidy" is. Why not leave someone who's disorganized alone and move on to the obvious - there's enough of it there to keep everyone plenty busy.

 

[Mamid]

there's "tidy" and then there's forcing the child to clean the place with caustic chemicals. LOC was the gentlest of the chemicals I was forced to use to clean the bathroom, the kitchen and more. I hate cleaning and only use the most basic stuff nowadays because of the chemical burns I got as a child.

My place is at the "worst of messy" phase cause both of us are hurt at the moment and just can't keep up. This is a temporary phase. Come Wednesday, DS is in full time kindergarten and I should be able to start getting this place back up to snuff. We aren't the type that have pathways through years of buildup of garbage and routinely give away stuff on freecycle too.

but fuck me - when I was on bed rest when I was pregnant with the last one and I begged for help, they never came through. Once the baby was born, only for a few months and even then, the worker would cancel on us and with both of us home, the place was pretty close to sterile. The stupid thing is that I was begging for help and they couldn't find it.

Then there's my (now former) neighbour who is the "explosive" drunk. She has blackouts. She gets into fights. She does marijuana and smokes. All the stuff we don't do and they won't touch her kids. She spouted one time that she isn't Sto:lo (the native group in the area that deals with CPS and native ancestry) so they can't touch her kids. This is a woman who needs help and they won't. Yet they go and give us the Nth degree simply because we're not "perfect parents." Its frustrating.

And no, we don't choose to live the D/s lifestyle and haven't for years. It was simply the icing on our cake. I don't even wear my show collar or my anklet and haven't in ages. I might break them out for fun or for hallowe'en, but we no longer have a bdsm lifestyle.

CPS here has been implacated in the deaths of several children, most if not all were in foster care at the time. One in particular caused a temporary reform and any children that were being "helped" at that time were being "over helped." That terrifies me. Sure the parents weren't the best in the world, but what if they had given them some supports instead of just taking the kids? would those children still be alive?

The concept of CPS is valid, but there needs to be a watchdog agency, both to keep the workers under control and to advocate for parents who need or want the help and aren't getting it. The system as it is is broken. If you are in contact with CPS, you are "evil" and a "child abuser" even if you're just doing the best you can with the capabilities you have.

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is exactly out of a Victorian reform mindset. Children should have a tidy home. I did it therefore you can do it, to whatever my concept of "tidy" is or the governmental concept of "tidy" is. Why not leave someone who's disorganized alone and move on to the obvious - there's enough of it there to keep everyone plenty busy.

It's not meant to be, but I am aware of what they look at and how it is viewed and why, and I am also aware a lot of people expect help when they are not willing to put in a fair effort themselves (and no, this is not directed at Mamid or anyone here, but a general view these days that many have that everything shoudl be handed to them on a platter without any self responsibility). As I said, many houses where abuse (and substance abuse) takes place are untidy, so yes, they are going to investigate if it is excessive and recurring to make sure that is not such a home...it is their job in the interests of protecting children. It would be so much easier if they had a crystal ball or some omnipotent power to tell them which untidy houses were just laziness or circumstances and which were a sign of other issues of abuse, but they are human just like you and I.

Unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world, and while many will criticise such agencies for not doing enough, few are willing to lend a hand in any way to share the load. Criticising is easy, doing something positive is more difficult and usually placed in the 'why should I' basket by the very same people who criticise those trying to do something. You can't throw the baby out with the bathwater without serious repercussions for the most vulnerable. Of course, if anyone here thinks they can do a better job, go and apply for a job in those agencies on Monday and start making a difference.

Sorry if I come off as pissed off about child abuse and such, but after the number of deaths of children I have heard about in the past couple of weeks, I am fed up with hearing all the excuses and tirades against people trying to protect those children while under constant attack and scrutiny from the public who think they know it all and yet neglect to step in themselves when they see children abused. I just don't get how people can sit in their houses and pass judgements without being part of it, and yet still blame CPS whether they do or don't do something depending on the outcome. Child gets killed or injured, they should have done something....oh, that was the family I heard about and said they should leave them alone? Oh bummer, oh well not my problem...shame CPS is so nasty and picking on people all the time for nothing and not picking on the ones like that family that they should have been watching more closely (of course, with lots of head nodding and self righteous puffing).

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

there's "tidy" and then there's forcing the child to clean the place with caustic chemicals. LOC was the gentlest of the chemicals I was forced to use to clean the bathroom, the kitchen and more. I hate cleaning and only use the most basic stuff nowadays because of the chemical burns I got as a child.

My place is at the "worst of messy" phase cause both of us are hurt at the moment and just can't keep up. This is a temporary phase. Come Wednesday, DS is in full time kindergarten and I should be able to start getting this place back up to snuff. We aren't the type that have pathways through years of buildup of garbage and routinely give away stuff on freecycle too.

but fuck me - when I was on bed rest when I was pregnant with the last one and I begged for help, they never came through. Once the baby was born, only for a few months and even then, the worker would cancel on us and with both of us home, the place was pretty close to sterile. The stupid thing is that I was begging for help and they couldn't find it.

Then there's my (now former) neighbour who is the "explosive" drunk. She has blackouts. She gets into fights. She does marijuana and smokes. All the stuff we don't do and they won't touch her kids. She spouted one time that she isn't Sto:lo (the native group in the area that deals with CPS and native ancestry) so they can't touch her kids. This is a woman who needs help and they won't. Yet they go and give us the Nth degree simply because we're not "perfect parents." Its frustrating.

And no, we don't choose to live the D/s lifestyle and haven't for years. It was simply the icing on our cake. I don't even wear my show collar or my anklet and haven't in ages. I might break them out for fun or for hallowe'en, but we no longer have a bdsm lifestyle.

CPS here has been implacated in the deaths of several children, most if not all were in foster care at the time. One in particular caused a temporary reform and any children that were being "helped" at that time were being "over helped." That terrifies me. Sure the parents weren't the best in the world, but what if they had given them some supports instead of just taking the kids? would those children still be alive?

The concept of CPS is valid, but there needs to be a watchdog agency, both to keep the workers under control and to advocate for parents who need or want the help and aren't getting it. The system as it is is broken. If you are in contact with CPS, you are "evil" and a "child abuser" even if you're just doing the best you can with the capabilities you have.

I used to use mostly natural things as cleaners such as vinegar and bicarb because of our allergies.

And yes, I know CPS get implicated in deaths of children everywhere.... they are usually the first ones blamed if it has been a family that have ever been under their supervision, and most who haven't...as I said, they are not mind readers, nor are they superhuman robots who see all and know all. My thoughts are they also save a lot of children, and that perhaps society should stop acting like spoilt brats who want someone else to take reaponsibility and begin assuming some responsibility for themselves.

There are so many parents who do not neglect or abuse their children even though they are severly handicapped, ill, poverty stiken etc., that I just find it difficult to always accept a person's excuse as to why they are not taking responsibility for their children's welfare because they find it too difficult because of xyz. I also had ill health the whole of my children's lives, had operations, and nursed them through their many throat infections, colds, chickenpox etc., lived below the poverty line for 15 years and sometimes felt like I couldn't get out of bed, but I had no-one else to do it so I had to.

It is difficult, but it unfortunately is life and part of parental responsibility which is what CPS tries to get through to people. If people do not see themselves as willing or able to accept that responsibility then what are CPS supposed to do? Wait until something happens to the child, and then accept the criticism and accusations thrown in their direction at that time because they did nothing? Do something with the limited resources they have and still get blamed for doing the wrong thing? They didn't decide to give birth to those children, so why blame them when they try and help and also when they don't....can't have it both ways.

Catalina

 

[Mamid]

do you know how many times I called about the neighbour? especially when she was getting the shit kicked out of her by her baby daddy? During the worst of it, I was calling up daily and they did nothing about her. My place looks messy. Her place, when the landlady finally got in there, told me even though my place is messy and could stand to use some cleaning, her place should be condemmed. Her eldest is 4.5 and she hasn't even started to toilet train him. The kids were often without diapers and I don't know how many times she "borrowed" food from us. The landlady's workers were finding rotting diapers and more. How they lived there, I have no clue.

I don't get how a drug using, drinking to blackouts, cigarette smoking woman, who gets beat up by her baby daddy, gets to keep her kids, especially after being evicted twice in two months, but I, who am doing my best and don't smoke, rarely drink, and don't do drugs get the nth degree whenever CPS shows up. I don't even want to bring BDSM into the mix. They don't need anymore ammo to use against us even though the only thing that they can find is that I'm an unwilling housekeep. My kids are clean, well fed, and have always had diapers and clean clothes, and I stay at home all the time. She doesn't keep her kids clean, didn't have food, and spends her money going partying before spending anything on her kids. I'm not a single mother, she is, with less than stellar "boyfriends." Yet I'm the bad mother?

I fear for the day that Penalt might walk out for whatever reason. I know that they will swoop in with their "help" and it won't be help. So long as we stay together, they can't use the "single mother" label on me.

Why are they in our lives? Cause of past history with my dysfunctional mother, and because DS was born with a "small" deformity that could signify that he was hearing impaired. They got called on us the moment he was born because he was an "at risk" child with his "potential" hearing loss. Not down syndrome. Not something serious like Cerebral Palsy. But a "potential" problem. DS is normal now that we have finally gotten him the surgery he needed to fix his hearing. What we thought then was a "hey, how are you going" was actually an intense evaluation - we have the file that proves it. Did they get me any help when I begged for it? Nope. They ordered, I obeyed and got nothing to help him with his tantrums, communications and more. At least now that he's 5 and starting school, he will have others who will help him and not just me bitching that there's a problem.

Again, CPS needs a watchdog to both keep them under control and to be a voice for parents who ask for help. I begged and got told that there were no services available because there were no funds. Yet those who are druggies, alcoholics or cigarette smoking have all sorts of recovery programs they can be put into.

I will not work as a social worker because my mother works in one of the other branches here. I have no desire to work in the same ministry as her.

BDSM is a huge trigger for social workers. It is on their indicators of extreme abuse. See, to them, abuse isn't just beatings and neglect or sexual, but monetary, psycological, emotional and more. BDSM is a symptom of something greater to them because they can not see it as anything but abuse. Their minds can't wrap around that BDSM could be a loving relationship.

 

[Penalt]

With CPS it boils down to the old latin proverb that translated says," Who guards the guardians?" The police, for instance, have their Internal Affairs division that investigates the police. Where is the watchdog for CPS?

 

[SheDevilShay]

With CPS it boils down to the old latin proverb that translated says," Who guards the guardians?" The police, for instance, have their Internal Affairs division that investigates the police. Where is the watchdog for CPS?

There isn't one... it took 2 years with our help with CPS to get my mom's parental rights termianted and she's a bi polar herion addict who likes child molesters.... ironic huh?

It amazes me how they will take away a child in a realtively "safe" situation but ignore the extreme's....

I could adopt or do foster care (we've taken all the classes) and I was encouraged to get my license officially but after 2 birth mom's changed their mind last minute about keeping the babies.. I don't think I want to deal with that emotionally again any time soon.

 

[graceanne]

We currently live on whidby island... but are probably moving up north to mt vernon... (yeah!!) gotta sell our house first.

I am slightly worried about clubs or scene's becuse of social anxiety reason's... (though I trust my Dom not to do anything to emotionally hurt me, I just freak out around ot many people because I get claustraphobic.)

(But i'd still be interested in trying to goto one at least once and see what its like...)

and to the PP... I wear what he selects for me every day. He doesn't expect me to be naked, though do to our pagan stuff, my son is used to nudity and has gone to nude beaches and doesn't think anything about a naked body... (its harder to keep clothes on him then off haha! but he's 3, so I am sure that will change as he ages and goes to school with kids who are different then us.. and I can respect his needs as well...)

I dont' think I clarified specifically.. our child isn't nessicarily the issue or concern here...

Its just figuring out how to do stuff otuside of the house thats us.. and I don't mean the BDSM kink... I mean what makes us us...


and by judgemental.. Iw ouldn't walk up to a christian lady and tell her she's a fucking nut job ebcause she's christian... but i've had them do that shit to be for being pagan....

Judgemental to me, isn't thinking it.. its saying something to the person your viewing.... Thinking somethings normal human behavior... opening your mouth and spewing hatred at someone out of fear or dislike is not the same.

Edit : also just stating your opinion to someone who's not "them" is also not the samet hing as saying it to the person....

I don't hate them... but I dislike how some people behave towards others.

First off, I really liked what serijules said. You can still be D/s without shouting it from the rooftops.

Second, I have had people tell me i'm fucking nuts for being a christian. They've also said it when I've told that that the bible says 'wives submit to your husbands'. People are rude, closeminded, and inconsiderate. But I can tell you right now that I'd prefer they show their true colors immediately, then wast a bunch of time on them only to discover that they're assholes. Another way I can tell if someone's worth my time and effort is their reaction to the number of children I have around me all the time. *shrugs*