How do you cope?

[SheDevilShay]

First off, I really liked what serijules said. You can still be D/s without shouting it from the rooftops.

Second, I have had people tell me i'm fucking nuts for being a christian. They've also said it when I've told that that the bible says 'wives submit to your husbands'. People are rude, closeminded, and inconsiderate. But I can tell you right now that I'd prefer they show their true colors immediately, then wast a bunch of time on them only to discover that they're assholes. Another way I can tell if someone's worth my time and effort is their reaction to the number of children I have around me all the time. *shrugs*

(p.s. I meant no offense if your christian or not I was using it as an example.. )

And I agree with what you said.

 

[graceanne]

(p.s. I meant no offense if your christian or not I was using it as an example.. )

And I agree with what you said.

I didn't think you meant offense, I'm just sensitive about that issue. You hear about closeminded Christians all the time, but when someone does it to Christians the world looks the other way.

I wish I had something smart and deep to add to the topic, but seri pretty much covered it better than I could. K and I are D/s all the time. To tell the truth people rarely even notice or comment on it. As a rule, people do NOT want to know what's happening in someone else's life, so they ignore them. Think about how close of attention to pay to strangers next time you're in public, then turn it around. Cause that's how much attention they're paying you. So unless you're doing something that screams 'lookatmelookatme', they won't notice.

Beyond that, people understand, whether they agree with it or not, that their is a power exchange in all relationships of some amount. No one has a perfect 50/50 relationship, and if they think they do they're lying to themselves. Either that or they spend all their time fighting to have all the power, so it's 50/50 cause they win half the time.

 

[Penalt]

I didn't think you meant offense, I'm just sensitive about that issue. You hear about closeminded Christians all the time, but when someone does it to Christians the world looks the other way.

I wish I had something smart and deep to add to the topic, but seri pretty much covered it better than I could. K and I are D/s all the time. To tell the truth people rarely even notice or comment on it. As a rule, people do NOT want to know what's happening in someone else's life, so they ignore them. Think about how close of attention to pay to strangers next time you're in public, then turn it around. Cause that's how much attention they're paying you. So unless you're doing something that screams 'lookatmelookatme', they won't notice.

Beyond that, people understand, whether they agree with it or not, that their is a power exchange in all relationships of some amount. No one has a perfect 50/50 relationship, and if they think they do they're lying to themselves. Either that or they spend all their time fighting to have all the power, so it's 50/50 cause they win half the time.

Thats a very interesting point there about power balance. My parents continually fought for dominance over the household because of religon. My dad was a 'non-believer' and the elders of our church had told my mom she had to take headship of the house for the sake of her 5 children. Can you say WAR? Oh yah.

Being in that during my formative years I vowed never to make my children weapons in my relationships or to battle for the 'headship' role in my family. It's just not worth it. The thing is, Mamid and I do pretty much share the power in day to day life. Its only when it comes to sexuality that I assert dominance in my relationship.

 

[graceanne]

Thats a very interesting point there about power balance. My parents continually fought for dominance over the household because of religon. My dad was a 'non-believer' and the elders of our church had told my mom she had to take headship of the house for the sake of her 5 children. Can you say WAR? Oh yah.

Both my parents are very dominant people. And neither is very nice. No one was suprised when they ended up divorced. I asked my aunt once what drew them together in the first place, and she said it was sex, which is a dumb ass reason to get married. lol

That said - I'd love to talk to the elders of your church about the whole dominant thing. I hate to be this way, but the bible says 'wives submit to your husbands', not 'wives submit to your husbands unless their non-believers'. I believe the only time marriages of mixed beliefs are mentioned (at least in the new testament) is when it's mentioned it's permissable to divorce a non-believer. I mean what other parts of the bible to you get to ignore if your partners a nonbeliever? Why not start cheating, too?

Being in that during my formative years I vowed never to make my children weapons in my relationships or to battle for the 'headship' role in my family. It's just not worth it. The thing is, Mamid and I do pretty much share the power in day to day life. Its only when it comes to sexuality that I assert dominance in my relationship.

K and I have pretty much 50/50 when it comes to the kids. I admit to submitting to his decision on small things, like if they can go to a friends house and stuff, cause arguing over small shit like that is stupid and childish. So we decided he gets control there. Besides, presenting a unified front to the kids just makes them feel more secure and reduces the battles with them. But in the big decisions we're 50/50, and sometimes that means that I'm in charge. The reason behind this is I'm with them more often, and know them better. AND I've got a lot more experience with children then he does.

BUT, even when discussing things to do with them (not to mention arguing over decisions) we're very careful to do it away from them. Unified front and all that.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... BUT, even when discussing things to do with them (not to mention arguing over decisions) we're very careful to do it away from them. Unified front and all that.

Lordy how I wish my ex- had that much understanding... I never undercut her authority in front of the kids... if Mom had told them something, then I backed her up and made it stick. But if she didn't agree with what I told them...

"Well, it's just your father... You know how he is... Daddy's just being cranky..."

She'd undermine me in front of the kids in a heartbeat. It's one of the few things I was ever angry with her about, and yes, when I ended the marriage, I let her know that was one of the things I felt justified my leaving... I wasn't going to be cut off at the knees like that in front of my children.

BLEH! *sighs* Sorry... that just hit a nerve tonight.

 

[EmpressFi]

*hugs Geoff*

That's a pet peeve of mine and something my parents were really good about doing.. that whole united front thing. There was none of the.. well mom said no, but I'll go ask Dad..

 

[Penalt]

That said - I'd love to talk to the elders of your church about the whole dominant thing. I hate to be this way, but the bible says 'wives submit to your husbands', not 'wives submit to your husbands unless their non-believers'. I believe the only time marriages of mixed beliefs are mentioned (at least in the new testament) is when it's mentioned it's permissable to divorce a non-believer. I mean what other parts of the bible to you get to ignore if your partners a nonbeliever? Why not start cheating, too?

It was the JW's. Both my parents were into it but Dad decided he didn't like it anymore. Because he was never baptized into the faith he merely became an unbeliever and so the elders trotted out the whole 'unevenly yoked' section of the bible to my Mom. If my Dad had been actually baptized they could have disfellowshipped (aka shunned) him and then things would have been even crazier.

When my folks actually did, finally, after 27 years, split up, the elders still would not let her go through with a divorce unless my Dad had comitted adultry. Which he had not. Finally, after 3 more years my Dad gave Mom one last gift and told everyone he had committed adultry and therefore Mom could divorce him. Which she did.

It was weird, it was insane, it was my life. My Mom often did to my Dad what EG's ex did to him. So I totally understand what happened to him. The odd thing I still deeply love both my mother and father, and even though Mom passed beyond 6 years ago there is still very little I would not give to pierce that veil.

Sorry to sidetrack the thread a touch here.

 

[incubus'_sub]

I must be in a no more nonsense mood tonight, so here goes.

Shay, you do need a counsellor to sort out your problems. At 22 , with a young child, you're on here seeking attention. You don't know whether you're a Dom or a sub, but you have a Dom. You think it's funny that your child saw you at the doctor's. Every day you think up a new post & add little ""shocks" to your stories. Heroin addicted mum with pedophile boyfriends, paganism, CPS involvment, fostering more poor kids, desire to flaunt BDSM to anyone & everyone. To me you're just coming across as a bored attention whore. Sorry, but we're not easily shocked around here. Get some help. Not because you might be into kinky sex, but because you seem to have little or no self control about anything.

Mamid & Penalt. If the CPS was really into breaking families up for the money they would have acted apon your numerous, nasty phone calls about your neighbour don't you think? Government agencies are not there to clean your house for you & as someone else pointed out, vast numbers of ill & disabled people do their own cleaning. You didn't want to expose your children to religious disunity but your're quite prepared to condemn them to living in a pigsty & the shame that brings. Get off your whinging butts & clean your own bloody house. If you take responsibility for that then the CPS would get off your backs. You hate cleaning, well, join the queue. All of us have had childhood traumas of one type or another, but that doesn't excuse a refusal to become an adult & a good parent. The CPS has told you what to do, damn well do it.

 

[Penalt]

is,

Thanks for the lack of respect. That's a great incentive to listen to you. Mamid and I don't have to justify ourselves to you and I'm not going to even try because I am fairly sure you really don't care what I say. We have to justify ourselves to our adult children and ourselves and thats it. You don't like it, tough. Just remember that when you assume, you become an ass. You have assumed.

As for our neighbor, in a nutshell, CPS can't touch her directly due to racial considerations triggering multiple levels of government. They can advise, cajole and threaten but its next to impossible for them to actually do anything. So, CPS has settled for second best and used her as a paperwork generator.

 

[incubus'_sub]

I'm not assuming anything but simply reading the things you've written yourselves about your lives & the state of your home & who you're blaming for it.

You're right though, I really don't care what you say, nor do I think you'll bother to clean up your act.

 

[Mamid]

you think that I don't clean.

you're a laugh. I do clean. What I asked for from them was help before I had the baby when I was on doctor ordered bed rest and didn't get it. Son starts full time schooling on Weds. I will no longer have his hurricane force mess making 24/7 and should be able to catch up with everything I've been lacking.

And Penalt's right, we don't have to justify ourselves to you. If you want to try to keep a place clean with our son and his two little helpers for a day, go ahead. Till then, STFU!

 

[Soulfiregirl]

i recently had a VERY bad experience, with a therepist of all people. i dont want to get into it now, but it made me seriously question who i told what to. my family knows. my close friends know. my roomates know. others just think i am a girlfriend who does far more then expected to please her boyfriend. anyone in the professional world does not and will not find out, as im an education major.

This is something I worry about as well. I'm looking into finding a new therapist.

Have you ever heard of The Gay Yellow Pages? I have been considering looking there because they have therapists listed who are used to talking to patients about sexual issues and sexuality. "Regular" therapists can be pretty closed minded and fucked up themselves.