How do you over come your emotional scares?

[LoneOne]

People (not only Doms) that are telling other people with emotional trauma to "Get over it" should take a slap to their forehead.

After 2 years of behavior therapy I have to second some posters here, with the right therapist and the right therapy you can do a lot of good things to your own psyche.

It is not like there will be a day were you are fully healed and every proof of these wounds will be gone. I don't believe in this, but I believe that the wounds will become scars, these scars remind us that our past is a part of us and we have overcome the pain of what has happened to us. There will always be days and moments when these scars beginn to itch but scartissue is stronger then normal tissue some people say, and I believe in this.

It is a terrible thing that one sick fucked up idiot can destroy your whole life but I believe that if you ever reach the point where you can lead a half-way normal life with intimacy and so onyou can consider yourself to be the winner. Every small crack in the wall, every defensive wall that will tumble down is a small step to winning against the person(s) who did this to you.

It's a shame that many people in our world just say "Get over it" and treat an emotional trauma, or depression as something that is easy to overcome. It's not easy, and everyone who was once a victim of abuse, domestic violence or some sick bastard can tell this story.

I think it is good that you had some people who allready helped you to bring some walls down but a specialist in CBT can realy make a difference.

best wishes to you

 

[neonflux]

It is not like there will be a day were you are fully healed and every proof of these wounds will be gone. I don't believe in this, but I believe that the wounds will become scars, these scars remind us that our past is a part of us and we have overcome the pain of what has happened to us. There will always be days and moments when these scars beginn to itch but scartissue is stronger then normal tissue some people say, and I believe in this.

Goddess, I loved what you just wrote. Thank you!

SexSweetheart, I hope such healing for you. Having experienced both a physically abusive and psychologically abusive relationship when younger (both with women, neither of them consensually or consciously D/s in nature), I know how long and difficult the road to healing can be.

With affection,
Neon

 

[SexSweetheart]

Just putting in my 2 cents!

It's not fair for people to simply say "get past it" or "get over it". Anyone over the Internet saying that and claiming to be a Dom/me is a faker. Anyone saying that in real life ought to be slapped for their insensitivity. But that's just me.

Emotional scars are one of the worst things to have and cannot be "get over" in a short period of time like physical wounds. I have a friend whose bf held a knife to her throat and she flinches and bites whenever anyone gets close to her neck now.

Admittedly, therapy is a good way to help but having support from friends and or family is also good.

I am not sure if emotional wounds can ever heal fully but I have the belief with lots of help one can at least manage it.....the trouble is, finding the support....

thanks for your comment. The scars can only be put on hold and come back to bite you in the ass at the wrong time. The scares or wounds just hide under the surface.

You are right about finding support and help, it is not easy.

 

[SexSweetheart]

People (not only Doms) that are telling other people with emotional trauma to "Get over it" should take a slap to their forehead.

After 2 years of behavior therapy I have to second some posters here, with the right therapist and the right therapy you can do a lot of good things to your own psyche.

It is not like there will be a day were you are fully healed and every proof of these wounds will be gone. I don't believe in this, but I believe that the wounds will become scars, these scars remind us that our past is a part of us and we have overcome the pain of what has happened to us. There will always be days and moments when these scars beginn to itch but scartissue is stronger then normal tissue some people say, and I believe in this.

It is a terrible thing that one sick fucked up idiot can destroy your whole life but I believe that if you ever reach the point where you can lead a half-way normal life with intimacy and so onyou can consider yourself to be the winner. Every small crack in the wall, every defensive wall that will tumble down is a small step to winning against the person(s) who did this to you.

It's a shame that many people in our world just say "Get over it" and treat an emotional trauma, or depression as something that is easy to overcome. It's not easy, and everyone who was once a victim of abuse, domestic violence or some sick bastard can tell this story.

I think it is good that you had some people who allready helped you to bring some walls down but a specialist in CBT can realy make a difference.

best wishes to you

Thanks for your kind words and wishes.

I think the people that say "get over it" never under went it or never had anyone that under went. I remember 15 years ago a guy at work left because of depression and at the time I thought is was stupid, and he should get over it. Now that I have a change of life depression, I full understand why. I've been on social security disability because of my depression because it is disabling. I'm not able to function in the manner of driving to work or getting around.

Don't know what a CBT specialist is, but I will have to look into it.

You are sweet to leave your advice. I'm sorry I didn't see this posting sooner.

 

[SexSweetheart]

Goddess, I loved what you just wrote. Thank you!

SexSweetheart, I hope such healing for you. Having experienced both a physically abusive and psychologically abusive relationship when younger (both with women, neither of them consensually or consciously D/s in nature), I know how long and difficult the road to healing can be.

With affection,
Neon

I'm sorry you have had these problems, but I hope you are dealing with it in the right way.

Having a bastard treat you badly when do you don't understand the meaning of what is happening the wrong things will result. If I know then what I knew now, I might have been able to handle it, but then again, who knows.

 

[infernal_contessa]

I've had my share of scars.

I'm not someone who tends to throw the "get past it" line at others. I hold my scars, cherish them. They happened for a reason, I am grateful to have learned the reason, I have learned from each experience, and I have grown from each experience. My scars don't keep me from building the life that I want- they simply remind me of the past that I had.

Even now, I trust too easily, and end up bitterly disappointed. Still, for my part, I would rather be open and hurt by it, than be closed and miss opportunities. I've seen what jadedness and a hard shell can do to a person. For a time, I held myself closed like that. I felt suffocated.

I have a resilient heart- I can hurt and heal.

 

[neonflux]

I'm sorry you have had these problems, but I hope you are dealing with it in the right way.

Having a bastard treat you badly when do you don't understand the meaning of what is happening the wrong things will result. If I know then what I knew now, I might have been able to handle it, but then again, who knows.

Thank you, SexSweetheart. I appreciate the support - the last relationship ended 7.5 years ago and I have long since healed from both. I agree with infernal_contessa (your avatar is very beautiful, btw) that every experience we've had in life makes us who we are. At age 50, I love who I have become and so would not change anything that has happened to me if given a chance. Those two experiences greatly expanded my compassion for and acceptance of others, and provided me with tremendous respect for the universal human experiences of pain and loss. That said, I might wish to have learned some of my life's lessons sooner...

Contessa, open hearts are always an asset and quite rare.

 

[LoneOne]

Don't know what a CBT specialist is, but I will have to look into it.

You are sweet to leave your advice. I'm sorry I didn't see this posting sooner.

The term was already used on the first page, I used the abbreviation CBT for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

 

[gluttonne]

we all have issues of different kinds, regardless of what they may or may not have to do with our life choices or personal intent.

every time you place enough trust in someone to give them the opportunity to harm you, you are taking a leap of faith. without truth/faith in that person, you're just jumping, and are bloody lucky if you survive it.

sexsweetheart, in my experience, communication can overcome every obstacle in an otherwise healthy relationship. sometimes it's hard to decide whether it's worth it to stick your neck out or whether everyone would be best suited by simply breaking it all off now. as both an intuitively dominant person and one who has had to get through a couple of bouts of PTSD, i can understand to some degree what you are concerned about. i highly recommend a talented CBT if you are feeling fears/concerns that you are not prepared to discuss with potential partners. if nothing else, they should be able to give you some good ideas that can run with on your own (that was about as useful as psychotherapy ever got for me, but i am stubborn and, to snag a phrase from their community, quite "oppositioinal-defiant"). it takes courage to talk about this sort of thing, but you clearly aren't lacking in that. best oif luck.

 

[riiayn]

Emotional fears

Just like to say well done to Sex Sweetheart for being brave enough to open up to her fears, wish i was as brave.

I have no idea how to get over the fears & insecurities i have which make being in this lifestyle a lot more difficult. But perserverence i think is the key, i hope one day to meet someone who will be able to help me overcome these fears & work through the insecurities.

Well its a nice dream, lol

 

[SweetErika]

Just like to say well done to Sex Sweetheart for being brave enough to open up to her fears, wish i was as brave.

I have no idea how to get over the fears & insecurities i have which make being in this lifestyle a lot more difficult. But perserverence i think is the key, i hope one day to meet someone who will be able to help me overcome these fears & work through the insecurities.

Well its a nice dream, lol

In my experience, the best our partners can do is SUPPORT us while WE work through our issues. We have to depend on ourselves to do the work, and it's never going to happen if we look to others (I tried that, and hoping for a couple of years, and it failed miserably).

So, don't wait or dream for someone to come along, find and act on your inner strength. It's there.

 

[riiayn]

Fears & insecurities

In my experience, the best our partners can do is SUPPORT us while WE work through our issues. We have to depend on ourselves to do the work, and it's never going to happen if we look to others (I tried that, and hoping for a couple of years, and it failed miserably).

So, don't wait or dream for someone to come along, find and act on your inner strength. It's there.

Erika i agree with a lot of what you say, spent the last few years using my inner strength to get over a lot of the trauma & have finally found the courage to move on, joining this site was a big step for me.
However the fears remain, i need to learn to trust again & to do that i have to find someone who i can believe in. I could say i'm over my emotional difficulties but the only way i'll really know is if i were faced with the same situation again but this time with a caring understanding person to guide me.

 

[SexSweetheart]

wishing you all a year without any additional emotional scares

 

[the_pet]

tricky thing emotional scars....

just when you think you've learned to incorporate life experiences you come across someone who can't take it WHEN YOU CAN (i.e a Dom who doesn't want to deal with baggage)

perfect example (former Master broke it off with me when he learned of some of past trauma because he said he was concerned that the lifestyle triggered me) i was hurt because I FELT the lifestyle impowered me because i made choices about my lifestyle and what i wanted as opposed to being tricked, manipulated, coherced, etc. I couldn't make him understand this but i had to respect his boundaries.

i have no useful advice other than trial and error, listen to your heart, watch for red flags

wishing you the best in your search for resolution to your situation



pet

 

[FurryFury]

tricky thing emotional scars....

just when you think you've learned to incorporate life experiences you come across someone who can't take it WHEN YOU CAN (i.e a Dom who doesn't want to deal with baggage)

perfect example (former Master broke it off with me when he learned of some of past trauma because he said he was concerned that the lifestyle triggered me) i was hurt because I FELT the lifestyle impowered me because i made choices about my lifestyle and what i wanted as opposed to being tricked, manipulated, coherced, etc. I couldn't make him understand this but i had to respect his boundaries.

i have no useful advice other than trial and error, listen to your heart, watch for red flags

wishing you the best in your search for resolution to your situation



pet

I hate the I'm going to protect you from yourself even if you think this is what you want crap. That really pisses me off.

Fury

 

[MasterPhoenix]

HEre is wishing you the best.

It is My prayer for you that you find the one who will not only love you, but will be able to work with you to aid you in healing your scars.

 

[Bandit58]

The one thing that many men can't get past is my age of 50 and my inexperience in the sexual real life time. I didn't date between the ages of 25 to 45, my experience is not there. It was the young professor that pulled me through the cracks to start dating again. Thank goodness for him.

My ex husband was my first and only sexual partner until the age of 43. I was married to him for 23 years. He was emotionally abusive. When I finally left him I met a married man online who I met 4-5 times. I was naive and vulnerable and believed him when he said he loved me and we'd be together "one day"

I had no sexual experience other than quick gropes and missionary - but with this man I learned how to give blowjobs and I experienced anal sex (and enjoyed it). With Master I have come to love being sexual and my submissive nature has finally found a home

Emotionally I still have some things to work on. Self confidence is one thing, I constantly doubt myself. Loud angry voices are a trigger of fear and anxiety - my ex had a very bad temper and although he never hit me he was abusive towards animals (and he is a farmer, go figure ). I tend to retreat into myself if I am upset - Master knows this and will gently try to get me to open up, with lots of hugs and reassurance. It is silly but sometimes I am scared of how He will react - more than once He has told me that "I am not him, you can tell me anything". Over 20 years of habit is hard to break

 

[SexSweetheart]

My ex husband was my first and only sexual partner until the age of 43. I was married to him for 23 years. He was emotionally abusive. When I finally left him I met a married man online who I met 4-5 times. I was naive and vulnerable and believed him when he said he loved me and we'd be together "one day"

I had no sexual experience other than quick gropes and missionary - but with this man I learned how to give blowjobs and I experienced anal sex (and enjoyed it). With Master I have come to love being sexual and my submissive nature has finally found a home

Emotionally I still have some things to work on. Self confidence is one thing, I constantly doubt myself. Loud angry voices are a trigger of fear and anxiety - my ex had a very bad temper and although he never hit me he was abusive towards animals (and he is a farmer, go figure ). I tend to retreat into myself if I am upset - Master knows this and will gently try to get me to open up, with lots of hugs and reassurance. It is silly but sometimes I am scared of how He will react - more than once He has told me that "I am not him, you can tell me anything". Over 20 years of habit is hard to break

You are a lucky lady to find you lover and master.

You are right it takes years to get over the old habits.

Your statement of, "Loud angry voices are a trigger of fear and anxiety - my ex had a very bad temper." is very interesting. I have often wondered why I'm that way, and you have answered that question.

Good luck with you marriage and may it last longer and happier then the first one.

 

[insertcutename]

The other day me and my PYL were doing a scene, and at one point, I broke down in tears. I couldn't stop crying. When we were done, I got up and took a hot shower. I felt so dirty, I couldn't get over it. After I finally calmed down a bit, he told me that he was sick of my emotional bullshit (my words, but that is the jist). He said I made him feel like a monster even though he wasn't doing anything wrong. I tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that I didn't mean to make him feel like a monster, that it was because I couldn't get over something (I couldn't tell him what just then, I had never told anyone). I don't know exactly where things stand, but things are different.

When I was younger, I was sexually abused by a relative. I never said that out loud until yesterday. Since I was a kid, I have felt like a worthless piece of shit because of it. I had kept it inside for so long, I kinda felt like it might not have happened, that it was just my sick imagination. But I spoke with my mother, and she said she believed me. It made me feel better. But afterwards I spoke with my sister about it, and she told me that the same thing happened to her. The same relative did the same thing, not only that, but my mother knew about it and did nothing. I don't know, but I feel guilty about it. If I had said something before, maybe I could have saved it from happening to my sister. I don't know, but while I feel a weight off my shoulders for finally saying something, I still feel empty.

I kind of told my boyfriend about it, I didn't say anything straight out (though I should have), but I didn't want him to think I was trying to guilt him into keeping me around. I just don't know. I have so much to thank him for, he made me forget about it. When I was with him I didn't think about the bad things that have happened to me, I could only think about how happy he made me. He helped me forget, but in the end it was too much to keep inside. I hate that it happened while we were "together", that I couldn't keep it away from the best thing that ever happened to me. But I am angry, too. Why won't he give me another chance? I apologized for not telling him before we got so involved, but I thought I could keep it inside. I know I was wrong, but I deserve another chance don't I? He has made me happier than I have ever been, he was my first for everything, and now he is pushing me away. I don't know what to do. I'm making him seem bad but he isn't. He held me last night while I cried, stayed with me when I asked him to, but I feel like he is pulling away, and I need for him to hold on.

 

[FurryFury]

InsertCuteName,

I'm so sorry to read what you've recently gone though with your boyfriend. I hope y'all can talk it out at some point, either work it out or get some closure that isn't so full of anger and hurt feelings for both of you.

*HUGS*

Fury

 

[lil_slave_rose]

The other day me and my PYL were doing a scene, and at one point, I broke down in tears. I couldn't stop crying. When we were done, I got up and took a hot shower. I felt so dirty, I couldn't get over it. After I finally calmed down a bit, he told me that he was sick of my emotional bullshit (my words, but that is the jist). He said I made him feel like a monster even though he wasn't doing anything wrong. I tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that I didn't mean to make him feel like a monster, that it was because I couldn't get over something (I couldn't tell him what just then, I had never told anyone). I don't know exactly where things stand, but things are different.

When I was younger, I was sexually abused by a relative. I never said that out loud until yesterday. Since I was a kid, I have felt like a worthless piece of shit because of it. I had kept it inside for so long, I kinda felt like it might not have happened, that it was just my sick imagination. But I spoke with my mother, and she said she believed me. It made me feel better. But afterwards I spoke with my sister about it, and she told me that the same thing happened to her. The same relative did the same thing, not only that, but my mother knew about it and did nothing. I don't know, but I feel guilty about it. If I had said something before, maybe I could have saved it from happening to my sister. I don't know, but while I feel a weight off my shoulders for finally saying something, I still feel empty.

I kind of told my boyfriend about it, I didn't say anything straight out (though I should have), but I didn't want him to think I was trying to guilt him into keeping me around. I just don't know. I have so much to thank him for, he made me forget about it. When I was with him I didn't think about the bad things that have happened to me, I could only think about how happy he made me. He helped me forget, but in the end it was too much to keep inside. I hate that it happened while we were "together", that I couldn't keep it away from the best thing that ever happened to me. But I am angry, too. Why won't he give me another chance? I apologized for not telling him before we got so involved, but I thought I could keep it inside. I know I was wrong, but I deserve another chance don't I? He has made me happier than I have ever been, he was my first for everything, and now he is pushing me away. I don't know what to do. I'm making him seem bad but he isn't. He held me last night while I cried, stayed with me when I asked him to, but I feel like he is pulling away, and I need for him to hold on.

first of :::hugs::::.....i too was molested as a child, by my grandfather of all people, and though Master knew it had happend, i always played it off to Him liek it wasn't that big of a deal, that He didn't do that much, until a few weeks ago, when i let it all out. i had never spoken those ugly words, the ugly things he had done to me, out loud, they had always been in my head. i don't think you're making your PYL sound like a bad person at all. it's hard for Him to deal with, and to deal with the fact you hadn't told Him sooner, i understand that, but He also needs to understand that talking about it is NOT easy, and we feel like people will look at us different, somehow see a 'monster' in us so we hide it from the world and try to deal with it on our own.

as far as feeling guilt for it happening to your sister, you were a child and had no responsibility or power to stop what happened to her. you were scared to come forward and that makes sense, most are. my daughter being an example, was molested by my ex boyfriend, she didn't come to me, she went to my sister and told her a YEAR after it had been happening, because she didn't know how to tell me, she was scared. so try not to have so much guilt over not being able to help your sister. i do hope your PYL thinks and decides to give you a second chance, as you really, you did nothing wrong, though staying around does mean He'd have to deal with your emotional issues from all of this coming to light, but if He loves you....it's something that can be worked through..good luck to you and another :::::Hug::::: before i skip out of this thread

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Insertcutename...

If I may suggest this, I would suggest seeing a counselor to help you cope. It is great that you could finally let it out, which is something that should help.

If your boyfriend isn't going to be there for you, he is not worth it... one who loves you would stand by you thoguh something like that.

the above is My own personal opinion, and I am in no way a trained professional bur have been around a bit... Take it for what its worth.

 

[insertcutename]

I want to thank you guys for your kind words. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, and being able to just put it out there helped a bit. I hope I am able to work things out with my boyfriend, I still haven't told him exactly what happened, but hopefully he will understand why I did what I did.

 

[Netzach]

The other day me and my PYL were doing a scene, and at one point, I broke down in tears. I couldn't stop crying. When we were done, I got up and took a hot shower. I felt so dirty, I couldn't get over it. After I finally calmed down a bit, he told me that he was sick of my emotional bullshit (my words, but that is the jist). He said I made him feel like a monster even though he wasn't doing anything wrong. I tried to tell him that it wasn't his fault, that I didn't mean to make him feel like a monster, that it was because I couldn't get over something (I couldn't tell him what just then, I had never told anyone). I don't know exactly where things stand, but things are different.

When I was younger, I was sexually abused by a relative. I never said that out loud until yesterday. Since I was a kid, I have felt like a worthless piece of shit because of it. I had kept it inside for so long, I kinda felt like it might not have happened, that it was just my sick imagination. But I spoke with my mother, and she said she believed me. It made me feel better. But afterwards I spoke with my sister about it, and she told me that the same thing happened to her. The same relative did the same thing, not only that, but my mother knew about it and did nothing. I don't know, but I feel guilty about it. If I had said something before, maybe I could have saved it from happening to my sister. I don't know, but while I feel a weight off my shoulders for finally saying something, I still feel empty.

I kind of told my boyfriend about it, I didn't say anything straight out (though I should have), but I didn't want him to think I was trying to guilt him into keeping me around. I just don't know. I have so much to thank him for, he made me forget about it. When I was with him I didn't think about the bad things that have happened to me, I could only think about how happy he made me. He helped me forget, but in the end it was too much to keep inside. I hate that it happened while we were "together", that I couldn't keep it away from the best thing that ever happened to me. But I am angry, too. Why won't he give me another chance? I apologized for not telling him before we got so involved, but I thought I could keep it inside. I know I was wrong, but I deserve another chance don't I? He has made me happier than I have ever been, he was my first for everything, and now he is pushing me away. I don't know what to do. I'm making him seem bad but he isn't. He held me last night while I cried, stayed with me when I asked him to, but I feel like he is pulling away, and I need for him to hold on.

If you are not working with a therapist, please consider trying to do so. You have so much to work on and so much to deal with, and trying to do it all on your own with no help from anyone is more than anyone can do. Your broyfriend is supposed to be supportive and listen, but he's not necessarily the best person to help you with it - there are people who dedicate their lives and their educations to helping people who have had serious personal trauma feel whole and be able to have good relationships where the trauma isn't a wedge between you and your loved ones. If you can find a professional you can respect and who you feel respected by, you will be doing yourself a favor and doing something very loving for yourself.

 

[insertcutename]

If you are not working with a therapist, please consider trying to do so. You have so much to work on and so much to deal with, and trying to do it all on your own with no help from anyone is more than anyone can do. Your broyfriend is supposed to be supportive and listen, but he's not necessarily the best person to help you with it - there are people who dedicate their lives and their educations to helping people who have had serious personal trauma feel whole and be able to have good relationships where the trauma isn't a wedge between you and your loved ones. If you can find a professional you can respect and who you feel respected by, you will be doing yourself a favor and doing something very loving for yourself.

I know that I need professional help. I figured it was a bad as it was because I held all my feelings inside for so long, that once I fell in love with him, I couldn't hold back all the other feelings I had. I wasn't fair to either of us. He is a great person, he has helped me so much, and I know that once I can deal with what my brother did, i'll be in the frame of mind I should have been in in the first place. What we have is special, and worth working on.